@100 yes, or she could come first.

@103, it comes and goes for me (on my android)

Good call Shepherd; those words " premature ejaculation" are just so god awlful.
I can only imagine the pressure on a mans head and enjoyment , once he or someone else starts using those words to describe his sexual behaviour.

Dirtclustit; yes, assumptions are made re 9 outta10. Clues given; the language, the place they met, the letters tone. Doesn't really matter if LW has other sexual relationships going.. This person , didn't write anything about that..

So wife has watched porn with me in the past, but never wanted to try anything but PIV sex. We have PIV, missionary position, several times a week. I want more. Can this marriage be saved?

Regarding #91, I cannot resist. Who here besides Ms Cute would care to recite the opening sentence of Emma (or at least the first five words)?

Agree @109, 110; although, yes, I have heard women called handsome.
Even so; by the other clues in 9 outta 10, the tone, etc I'd bet the house cow this LW is a Man..

On gender neutral pronouns-- Funny that no one (myself included) ever considers "it." "It" is built into the language, means what we want it to mean, and has built in usage as to singular nouns. Yet the confusion with non-human robots (I guess) is considered more of a problem than the confusion over number or having to introduce wholly new and unnatural uses of the zie/hir type.

@44: "It’s obnoxious to not make any effort at all if someone close to you asks."

Good sentence. Somehow I hadn't been thinking of it that way. Since I don't personally know anyone who doesn't strongly identify with one gender or the other (some cis, some trans) the whole thing felt ridiculous to me. But obviously if I actually knew someone in that situation, their desire and comfort would come with an entire context which would (presumably) make it more understandable. And then you're right, I would want to make the effort, even if it felt strange at first. So that's on me, for making the far-too-usual "I've never heard of this, therefore it's weird" fallacy.

@57, @85: It's not always pity! Sometimes she wants something from you.

@91: As one who has no doubt done wrong, I can't help but mention that "piece of shit mind fucker columnist" needs hyphens. Phrasal adjectives, ya know.

@ciods: LOL, @Sandia: Thanks!

Uncut can also work on this solo. Lube under the foreskin, then retract a bit with each stroke. Don't wait for it to retract naturally. And retract it a lot daily like while peeing. And play with it a lot and lube it a lot. (Advice from a 30s guy)

I am a stickler for good grammar, but using third person plural as a gender-neutral singular pronoun has accepted in many grammar books for a while now.

UNCUT: FYI - pretty much any variant of amphetamines will have you fucking for hours. MDMA works as well but tends to produce a rather anti-climactic climax.

@85 - "I can't tell if you're being obscurely witty or impossibly ignorant in type, the sarchasm is too wide."

If you can't tell...there is indeed a sarchasm.

@93 - if you enjoyed sarchasm.... i have another for you: procrastibating. Guessing you can figure that one out. lol. Since i telecommute... i am guilty of it frequently. ha

@121: I've been using "procrasturbating" for about 15 years now (spelling it differently than you, though). I used to think I'd made it up, but I think that lots of us have "made it up!"
No matter how you came to think of it, it's a good usage.

I like "sarchasm," but that only works in written form; in oral usage, the joke isn't heard. I prefer "irony deficiency."

@122 - i thought the very same thing... that i made it up....in college... in 1993 or 1994... but alas... the internet has proven that there are many of "us"....hahaha. But i agree... its a great word.

my mother has always called her being clueless to my wit or sarcasm a "synaptic tangle".

@ UNCUT : I'm 45 and a former premature ejaculator. I pretty much solved my problem about 3 years ago by using what other posters here refer to as "antidepressants". Please note, however, that nowadays you can take a product that is specific to premature ejaculation. It's called "Priligy" in Europe, where doctors can prescribe it, whereas in the U.S. you can buy the generic through your typical Canadian pharmacy. Priligy contains the compound dapoxetine as its active principle. I personally take a 30mg pill about 2 hours before intercourse. It enables me to come when I feel like--a fantastic experience. Side effect for me is a bit of yawning and drowsiness if I exceed dosage, but that is mild and happens rarely. You need to use it cautiously because it's a chemical. Maybe uncut could consult his doctor before taking it.

@ UNCUT : I'm 45 and a former premature ejaculator. I pretty much solved my problem about 3 years ago by using what other posters here refer to as "antidepressants". Please note, however, that nowadays you can take a product that is specific to premature ejaculation. It's called "Priligy" in Europe, where doctors can prescribe it, whereas in the U.S. you can buy the generic through your typical Canadian pharmacy. Priligy contains the compound dapoxetine as its active principle. I personally take a 30mg pill about 2 hours before intercourse. It enables me to come when I feel like--a fantastic experience. Side effect for me is a bit of yawning and drowsiness if I exceed dosage, but that is mild and happens rarely. You need to use it cautiously because it's a chemical. Maybe UNCUT could consult his doctor before taking it.

I agree with #4's advice to NEWBY that AFF is a good place to find bulls; much better than CL. We were on AFF for a year and had great success. A little patience is essential as, although we got literally hundreds of inquiries, only about ten percent met our basic requirements (age range, body type, location). We checked out about twenty in person and sealed the deal with several of them in the course of twelve months.

I'm not prescriptivist about pronoun choice, but I am about subject-verb agreement. They have, not has.

M? Librarian - I rarely comment on physical appearance, though I'd be much more likely to call a woman handsome or a man beautiful. Three examples that come to mind: Patricia Hodge, Belinda Lang and Diane Fletcher, each of whom at some point in the last three decades I've called handsome at least twice.

@127, I take it back somewhat. The "More" button works for me on Slog, just not in the Savage Love or I anonymous comments. Thanks for responding. You too, EricaP

For those who don't read the unregistered posts, #25, 26 had some advice which I'm reposting:

@ UNCUT : I'm 45 and a former premature ejaculator. I pretty much solved my problem about 3 years ago by using what other posters here refer to as "antidepressants". Please note, however, that nowadays you can take a product that is specific to premature ejaculation. It's called "Priligy" in Europe, where doctors can prescribe it, whereas in the U.S. you can buy the generic through your typical Canadian pharmacy. Priligy contains the compound dapoxetine as its active principle. I personally take a 30mg pill about 2 hours before intercourse. It enables me to come when I feel like--a fantastic experience. Side effect for me is a bit of yawning and drowsiness if I exceed dosage, but that is mild and happens rarely. You need to use it cautiously because it's a chemical. Maybe UNCUT could consult his doctor before taking it.

Seems worth checking out.

You are one astute dude, Hunter. So; how to proceed?
Newby; have you discussed this wish to cuckold your man, with your man?
Or this a surprise birthday present?
Just waiting now, Hunter, for LW to get back to me..

133/134, she says he's free to sleep with guys, which suggests she is too.

You're right that she should stay away from their circle of friends.

What the hell is up with NOT? I can't see too many men staying in a sexless relationship for ten years without a bit of cheating going on. And "Little Brown Prince"? Egad. Dude, dump the guy, okay? Find someone who may not be as hot as he is but is willing to share intimacy with you.

I am not as exercised over pronouns as I used to be, but I never force myself to use gender neutral lamguage when I honestly do not feel like it. This is why I will still refer to Amelia Earhart as an aviatrix. One of my favourite words.

Circumcised from birth, practically. Always been happy with it, never wanted to be different. I wouldn't force it on anyone, nor would I accept a ban on the procedure being imposed on those who want it.

A friend of mine likes to postpone obligations by getting busy in the kitchen. She calls it "procrasturBAKIng".

Is 13 1/2 years' worth of frigidity by choice, mainly time spent reevaluating past mistakes so that they're not repeated--- reversible?

Grizelda; um. Not sure what you mean. Celibacy? No sex for 131/2 yrs?
Can you reverse that ie now go have sex?

I gave last week's letter from SNAP a reread. thus my comment @138.
Porn was never an issue between my ex and me, but I'm wondering about having been sexless for so long. After my recent surgery, I don't feel much of anything arousing anymore, only tenderness inside.
Is a long period of sexual inactivity harmful?

@139: LavaGirl: Forgive my wrong choice of words--sorry. Yes, I meant my being celibate for almost 14 years. This has been after leaving an abusive spouse and dangerous domestic situation.
I recently had an outpatient surgical procedure that corrected an ongoing uterine problem i'd had since adolescence. While I'm delighted as well as relieved by the overall results, it feels like nothing stimulates me anymore (I'm still very tender inside).
Is this new vaginal numbness medically normal, or just something typically premenopausal? I just turned 50.

Grizelda; Is a long period of sexual inactivity harmful?
His Holiness The Dalai Lama, who will turn 80 next July, is celibate, has been all his life. He is, of course, a man with exceptional control of his mind..
How about your vulva? You have sensation there? When you touch your clit, sensation?
Personally, I don't think there is any " normal" passage re heading towards
" the change".. Other women describe experiences different to mine..
You read erotic literature, if so, does that arouse you sexually? Have you seen the
movie( out on DVD), " Blue is the Warmest Colour"? It's a movie about lesbian love( made by a man), have no idea how truthful the sex scenes are- but I found this movie very erotic. The women's seduction of each other, beautifully acted. And, movie I suggested to Seandr, " In The Cut". Movie written and direction by a woman. Also, to me very erotic( it's also a murder mystery). Best part I've seen Mark Raffalo in.. No fanny shots ( vulva), but dirty nonetheless. Maybe have a look at these two, well made movies(I'm sure there's others, just a couple I felt aroused by).
Have you spoken to a therapist? sounds great you have spent your time reflecting . Also sounds great, you looking to maybe start exploring becoming sexually active again.

Sorry Grizelda, didn't really answer your qu. No, I haven't lost feeling in my vagina or my vulva ..
Age probably dims the feelings - I'm sure I don't have the same intensity of feeling there I did; having babies crash out my vagina probably knocked out a few nerve cells. Have you talked with your Doctor re your numbness?

@auntie griz: I don't think that there's a timeclock on celibacy. If you still had sexual desire (libido) and felt pleasurable sensation before the procedure, which was over 10 years into celibacy, it makes no logical sense that suddenly you'd click past some magical cut-off point and lose all feeling.

So the question is whether this change is due to the procedure you had or is due to perimenopause.

Perimenopuase may affect two things primarily: libido (desire for sex) and lubrication. Both of these could contribute to you no longer feeling very interested in sexual touch, and could make sexual touch less pleasurable.

It's harder to say why or how having your uterine wall cauterized (that's what your procedure was, right?) would affect your libido, but it's pretty easy to see that any procedure done on one's body can have long-lasting ripple-effects on the way the body feels and responds. It makes sense to me that anything done on a part of your body so close to your vulva, and which limits or restricts blood flow would have an after-effect on that area which might take a significant amount of time to bounce back--and then, because you're heading towards perimenopause (if you're not actually there yet), it might be hard to tell when you bounced all the way back, since new normal will undoubtedly be different, at least slightly or somehow.

I'm not sure whether you are only experiencing a loss of physical sensation or of desire as well. You say that nothing stimulates you any more. Did you mean that you don't find any thoughts or images arousing anymore? The tried-and-true Brad Pitt ones leave you feeling nothing? The physical problems could be that your old fantasies are no longer as arousing to you. Maybe you have to search for new ideas/thoughts/images to turn you on. But if your loss of pleasure stems from your mind, not your body, then I'd guess this problem is libido-related, which points to estrogen levels dropping, which points to perimenopause. Which means you may have to work harder to do that mental pump-priming.

Menopause doesn't lead to the loss of all sensation in the vagina or the clit. I don't know what happens to the g-spot, but you could probably google and find some answers.

The lubrication issue is very easily resolved, of course, so I'd start by taking that out of the equation by buying some lube and seeing if that helps.

You say that you're still very tender inside and that nothing stimulates you anymore; have you tried masturbating stimulating only the external part of your clit? Did you use to masturbate by inserting something into your vagina and now all you feel is tenderness and numbness? I would think that tenderness will resolve over time, though it might take more time than you expected. If the numbness is due to nerve damage I don't know what you can expect.

In any case, the first step seems to me to have a long and frank conversation with your doctor. This might be awkward and embarrassing if you haven't ever been that explicit with him/her because it will involve a some real discussion of masturbation techniques. But if you want to find out more than a bunch of us here on the internet can guess at, it seems like a good place to start.

@137 (mickey): I love the term and concept of procrasturbaking--and the benefits that others could reap from it.

@142 & @143 LavaGirl: Thank you for the suggestions. I'd like to see "Blue is the Warmest Colour". I guess for a long time by working on my own health and healing, I have fallen out of touch--in more ways than one.

@144 nocutename: Thank you, too, for your helpful suggestions. While I enjoy watching Brad Pitt go as "J.D." from Thelma & Louise, I agree. *sigh*
It sounds like dropping levels of estrogen. My gynecologist also has me on increased progesterone nightly, too.

I have also ended long-standing toxic relationships with my sibs, their spouses, and other relatives recently. 2013 and 2014 have been two consecutive years for me to chuck a lot of excess garbage from my life.

I have tried masturbation, and maybe it's because I need more lube, but otherwise I'm feeling next to nothing sexually, anymore. I can't just go to bed anonymously with someone; call me a prude, but I have never felt comfortable with casual, random sex.

auntie griz: I don't think you need to take someone to bed. You are within your rights to not want to have sex casually or with random hookups.

Are you missing feeling sexual or are you simply noticing that you no longer are? I ask because a friend of mine has noted that her libido has all but disappeared since she went through menopause, and while she gets the feeling that she should care an want it to come back or mourn its loss, she finds she really doesn't mind. It's gone and that's that for her. The only reason she cares is because she's married and she wants to still make her husband happy. But sex for her is now all about keeping emotional intimacy.

I have another friend who has also lost virtually all libido and doesn't miss it, either (to her great surprise). She wonders if she should be upset, and try to do something about it, because the thought is upsetting, but in reality, she's fine with it. Since she's not in a relationship, she finds it doesn't really affect her life that much.

I have several friends who are well into menopause who report no change in libido at all. They may have to incorporate lube into their sex lives regularly, but otherwise, nothing's changed.

My gynocologist said she thinks that the libido loss is situational. That if there was a new relationship with all its attendant sexual energy, there would be no significant difference in desire or even lubrication, but without that, there might be a generalized dropping off.

I will be 52 next month and have been perimenopausal for a couple of years. I still have my period though it is irregular. But my libido is as strong as ever, even, perhaps a bit higher lately--certainly much higher than it was in my 20s and for about the first half of my 30s. I've also noticed that it's becoming easier for me to reach orgasm with a partner. I don't know why that might be.

Our bodies keep on changing, I suppose.

Grizelda; you wanna go play? Check with your Dr; tell this person the truth re lack of sensation. Is it physical or psychological?if the latter, see a sex therapist.
Are you online? Get a profile up.. A talented woman like you, sure to be a fella out there you could click with.

Hunter78 @149

A woman is unlikely to describe *herself* as handsome though.

Also unlikely to meet a man wearing nothing but a towel in a men’s club. As opposed to a gentlemen’s club, where at age 52 she would be unlikely to be working in a rôle that involved encountering men for the first time after they’d already taken off their clothes. .

Also unlikely to describe their encounter at either a men’s club or gentlemen’s club as “we had great sex.”

Also unlikely to put up with a boyfriend who won’t have sex with her. 52-to-62-year-old women are typically well rid of the mothering rôle and won’t keep a guy around just to look at his ass and show him off to her friends. A gay male couple who aren’t having sex with eachother and who met in a men’s club are much more likely to be mostly ok with getting their sex elsewhere than a woman is.

Not that any of these things are unheard of, but all of them together?

@138 "Is 13 1/2 years' worth of frigidity by choice, mainly time spent reevaluating past mistakes so that they're not repeated--- reversible?"

Many muscles in the area are at least exercised with cramps until menopause, and you can strengthen your PC muscle with Kegels, so I'd think you'd be ok muscularly. And the neural connections strengthened by making yourself come a lot. Except you say little sensation, so not sure if you can come. For this part, a good idea of anatomy:
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/bodies…
and some masturbation advice:
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/bodies…

And you can widen with a dildo, maybe use a girth that's slightly above average, and come while it's inside a couple times. Breaking the habit of avoiding sex for so long seems the hardest to change. First thought is to jack off together with a near stranger, one you're not very invested in. You don't have to touch each other but get used to being sexual around another person again, as a relationship builder instead of relationship destroyer.

Thanks for the scarleteen reference, Philo.. Great reading.

@147 nocutename: I'm feeling exactly like your friend who is wondering if she should be more sexually aroused than she currently is, and if she should feel guilty over her acceptance of sexual inactivity.
I guess my biggest question is: will I miss NOT having sex ever again?
I'm not out looking for love.

I don't consider myself damaged goods, exactly, however Wile E. Coyote quirky I am, idiosyncrasies and all (Hooooooooo-boy, you should have all seen me back in 2001; I was a REAL neo-maxi-zoom-dingbat* back THEN, haunted by a shitload of white noise to shake off!).

*Thank you, writer & director John Hughes and actor Judd Nelson, from "The Breakfast Club", for my borrowed use of a John Bender comment made, with "dingbat" substituted for "dweebie".

@151 Philophile: Thank you for sharing the helpful scarleteen info links.

Interesting that you mentioned experimenting with a dildo. I have actually been entertaining the idea of getting one lately, and rediscovering what works for me might do the trick to rekindle a few sparks.
I'm not so sure about jacking off with a near stranger, though.

@148 LavaGirl: I am wondering about two things: a) I have simply gotten used to my self-induced long-term celibacy, and b) if psychologically this means I am secretly afraid to leave what has become a comfort zone from living single and loving my freedom.

Grizelda; must admit, I'm having similar thoughts. My celibacy is just on four yrs now. After an active sexual life of forty yrs, it's been a bit of a shock. At first, I thought- hey, I'm 58 yrs old. Menopause has happened. I'll just cruise on , my urges will dry up and I'll do my life different.
Trouble was , urges didn't dry up. My clitoris esp,
kept( keeps) letting me know it's there, and wants playing with. So, I play.
Emotionally, the first couple of yrs were
hell, as I disentangled from the attachment. My ex- partner, fell in love and went AWOL from our children( where he still is; ), so I had to help them thru their pain as well as my own. It is still ongoing for them, as it would be. They do, however, seem to be enjoying their lives. The wound around their father, I hope, will, someday, heal. The youngest is just on 17 now. He's got a girl, lovely young woman too. They are all adults, so, even though I do suggest ways for them to approach their father; it is their stories with him .
For me, I now love my life; my freedom , as you do. When I think, is it time to see if I could try to re enter the romantic world, it's not a strong question to myself. And sort of peters out
( function of age, no doubt).
I'm sure though, there could be romantic arrangements , where I didn't have to
( and I wouldn't), give up my freedom.

To me; you opening up this issue( and, I haven't been here long enough to know, if you mentioned it before); is like a move along the continuum.
Rehearsing ones behaviours, thru words, seeking advice - I've already had the image in my head, of you finding a cool musician to hang out with -can sometimes be needed, just to move the mind along.

LW1: As a woman, I have to say that it's a myth that women need/want intercourse to last for hours. It's entirely possible for a woman to be satisfied after only a couple minutes of intercourse if she's turned on enough beforehand. Put more effort into foreplay.

Grizelda; another movie comes to mind
" The Private Lives of Pippa Lee"; written and directed by Rebecca Miller, based on the book, of the same name, that she also wrote. Have you seen it?
It has sexual/ romantic content; it's beauty for me is in how it shows a woman getting her spunk back ,
With a younger man- after many yrs married to a rather odious, and very much older, man.. Great. Movie.

Agree , BeingABear...

[seandr, don’t know if you’re still following http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archive… ?]

@156 & @158 LavaGirl: Wow. I wish I could have been blessed with someone as understanding, empathetic and supportive like YOU as a sister, instead of any of my unappreciative older sisters, brother, and their spouses (all within your age group by a year or two).
When they weren't ignoring me, my siblings cruelly enjoyed snubbing, shifting the blame, dumping endless unwanted babysitting, caregiving, and household chores on me, all the while berating me just to make themselves feel better (only a minimum of bitterness here; I'm not crying victim but just stating unfortunate and unchangeable facts over a span of fifty years. This is mainly why I avoid my sibs altogether; it's infinitely healthier for me not to deal with 'em).
Ironically, my same dictatorial oldest sister and self-aggrandized sis-in-law appear hurt and disappointed by my not attending family reunions these past few summers. I'm settling back and just letting them figure that one out. Anyway, enough of that.

Thank you, too, for the movie recommendations. "The Private Lives of Pippa Lee" sounds really good! I like your idea of hanging out with fellow musicians. With me though, as for budding romances and whether it's real or I'm just imagining it, the only guys out looking for company either seem too young, too old, or are really not into someone like me. I didn't get asked out much in high school or college, and learned very early on in life how to amuse myself, so maybe that's a big part of it.

Go for the ones who are too young. Totally!

@161: Don't anyone feel the least bit sorry for me, either, regarding my chosen parting of ways with my sibs. Pity my nieces and nephews instead, who have to put up with their parents. My payback in the balance is in hearing about my sibs' and their spouses' ongoing self-induced difficulty with facing their grown children nowadays as adults, and it's coming back to haunt them (i.e.: my oldest sis is currently lamenting the "loss of [her] childhood"--translated: she can't shamefully drag her youngest sibling around on a leash anymore).
Oh, well. In other news......

@162 Alison Cummins: O-o-o-kay, but that's easier said than done for me.

Grizelda; I have no contact with my two sisters. Gone, dusted.
Forget all the negative self references; how one uses ones mind, thoughts we have( esp about ourselves), is part of how other people" read" us..
Sounds to me, that you are starting to feel an itch; an inkling that you want to step outside your comfort zone. Just let that build; try to work on keeping your thoughts about yourself positive; and let those family people go. It is sad, ones family, ones blood- but if it doesn't work. It doesn't work( you can, however, stay in touch with your nieces and nephews?)...

@165 LavaGirl: Bless you. Agreed; that is exactly the direction where I am going, and in the continued pursuit of my own life, liberty, passion and happiness.
When it comes to blood family I focus on my beloved parents instead, and turn to them spiritually for guidance (both went too soon from Parkinson's).

I do keep in touch with my lovely oldest niece, oldest nephew, and his son, my great-nephew--at least through emails / Facebook. I guess it's the new age of texting; my nieces and nephews don't use cell phones anymore.

@157 Agreed, I hope that uncut gets that longer bad quality sex is a drawback, not a perk. I think it's a weird goal to want to last longer, unless a specific woman is asking, it can make real sex worse as easily as it can make it better for her. Decent sex goals are more understanding of anatomy, identifying signs of arousal, learning to talk about sex without embarrassment, sexual self awareness, comfort admitting inexperience or ignorance, asking about a woman's expectations in a way that won't receive a slap etc.

@Alison: Thanks, I hadn't read your comments, but I'm glad I did.

For what it's worth Seandr, I enjoy your Larrikin style..

The word "they" should always be treated as *grammatically* plural even when used to refer to an individual: "My friend Chris is going to the mall. I hope they have a good time."

But maybe using "they," "them," "their" as both grammatically singular and plural would make it possible for it to truly be a third-person, gender-neutral-or-unknown pronoun group for an individual person or multiple persons. The usage would be dependent on whether the pronoun was meant to refer to an individual or more than one person. It sounds clunky at first, sure, but it would be a handy and deft solution to a problem that has plagued English for a while.

So if "they," "them," or "their" was referring to one person, conjugate accompanying verbs in the singular ("My friend Chris is going to the mall. I don't know how they is going to have a good time"). And if "they," "thehm," "their" is referring to more than one person, conjugate verbs as we have been all along.

That would clear up confusion as to the number of people being referred to and should satisfy the sticklers once the awkwardness of hearing "they is" passes.

(Aside: Tobias Wolff wrote a funny, poignant, and beautiful gem of a short story, "Bullet in the Brain," in which the most most beautiful words a man ever hears were "they is," which is the last thing he remembers after getting shot in the head. They're the last lines in the story, and they serve as pure poetry.)

Ms Cute - I want to call you Pandora now. New wording would be far better. Changing usage on an existing word in such a way would throw off the time-honoured tradition still able to be put to good use of being able recognizably to classify characters by their grammar. Make, "That's what they wants to know," an expression common enough below stairs, acceptable upstairs as well as downstairs, and sooner or later it's bound to carry over to you and eventually to I and we, and before we can say Lucy Steele this will snowball into its being perfectly acceptable to call the Podcast and begin, "Me and my boyfriend have been together..."

Hunter78 @172, I don't like to guess at other people's sexual experience but yes for me, my husband wouldn't be going again because 60 seconds after he orgasms he's usually snoring loudly! Luckily he doesn't have an issue with ejaculating fast...

UNCUT asked about the difference in feeling between a man UNCUT FROM BIRTH, vs the circumcised penis. In reality, an uncut penis is very sensitive, as it hasn't been rubbing against underwear for a lifetime. You discussed a man who got circumcised as an adult.

Sorry, they are two different things. Studies about circumsicion in adulthood miss the point.

UNCUT asked about the difference in feeling between a man UNCUT FROM BIRTH, vs the circumcised penis. In reality, an uncut penis is very sensitive, as it hasn'[t been rubbing against underwear for a lifetime. You discussed a man who got circumcised as an adult.

Sorry, they are two different things. Studies about circumsicion in adulthood miss the point.

Mr.Ven:
I admit that the sound of it grates on my ears. But I think it would be harder and sillier to introduce a new pronoun set.
"Ze," "zim," "zir" and their ilk just smack of gender studies class and I think would be ridiculed by too much of middle America.
I guess the way that "they," "them," "their" has been doubling as singular and plural with no change in accompanying verb conjugation is probably better--more pleasing to the ear, if a trifle less immediately clear the number of people being referred to.

My appreciation for the Tobias Wolff story still stands.

@Hunter: Between the post @35 and the one @167, I am starting to share your opinion. And it's rather ironic for someone who seems to care so much about making sure that everything's welcomed by the woman, how little thought there seems to be about what would be preferable for the man. Like why he'd want--for himself--to be able to last more than 2-3 minutes.

Dan posted a SLLOTD on Friday ("Mastering New Relationship Skills") that never made it to the SL sidebar:

http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archive…

I mention this because the LW just wrote in to comment on the advice, and I thought some readers might be interested.

For the women (and men) who are concerned about sex at middle age and beyond, look at this website:

http://betterthanieverexpected.blogspot.…

I'm sure Muddy Waters, ; and here was a guy late in life, when I heard him singing this song, saying he could go again -in 5 minutes time, @ " ain't that a man".
Guess getting my sex ed off songs not too bright, eh?

No, no- he says" I could make love to you woman
In 5 minutes time.. Ain't that a man"..
There you go UNCUT; 3 odd minutes not far off the 5 that Muddy Waters boasts about..

Ms Cute - When dealing with solving language difficulties, my principle is still always to round in an upward direction rather than downward. I'm still mourning occasionally for what happened to "presently" (before it was rounded down, one of my favourite words).

If you don't want a new word, then we could always expand "one" instead. Not only does one already pair exclusively with singular verbs, but it actually enumerates singularity. Making a general occasionally a specific seems much less irksome.

Mr. Ven: You're right, of course, that using "one" solves the problem. But "one" is associated with affectation, excessive formality, stiltedness, and snootiness. It is perceived as an elitism. I don't think it could ever catch on. It faded from use for a reason.

I wobble between mourning what happened to words or phrases--I share your "presently," and add "disinterested" being used for "uninterested"--and celebrating their constant evolution.

Maybe my solution isn't tenable (or perhaps it is, but will always jar on some people's ears, mine included), but neither, I think, is a return to "one."

Thanks, EricaP!

@172,178 Yes yes you caught me, I identify as special self pollinating shrubbery, how nice of you to notice. Moving on...

@154 Auntie Griz still there? Had a couple other thoughts, and I'd like to paint a better picture of my advice so you can pick anything that might work out of it.

Re dildo: I think it can help you both physically stretch and get comfortable with penetration again. You can do the same with your butt to stretch for anal, or if you're afraid of anal to relax, literally. But you'd be working on your hymen not sphincter, and relaxing any tension in vag not ass.

"I'm not so sure about jacking off with a near stranger, though. "
I'm trying to think of another situation with the benefits
a) you're not so worried about messing up the relationship
b) your body can feel similarly with someone else, as it does in private.
c) there is little that can go wrong physically (if you're not touching)
d) you can advertise for this interest very explicitly and get decent responses
e) with well stated rules in the ad, you can avoid failed expectations well too. +don't expect to orgasm, just to have fun sexually with another.

Another thought is a make out buddy? I know people advertise for someone to cuddle with at night. You might be able to find someone who only wants to make out with you and not get naked. Men and women can come from dry sex, or make out sessions, too. Seems easier for women, I know in cases it can be problematic like premature ejaculation for women.

Other thoughts: The first step of feeling really comfortable sexually alone is key. If you're constantly reading about sex on savage love, I think you're by default very sexual. On the relationship side, building good friendships, especially with men should help. You might think that one is worth the risk of romance when you feel better about sex.

Example Ad: Wanted: To jack and jill off with a cool new friend. Need to meet (more than once?) to establish attraction. I want to watch you, you can watch me or porn on your phone/tablet. (No speaking? Or the kind of dirty talking you'd like?) Disclaimer: It's been a while, so I want a gentle or understanding guy, push me and I'll walk. Musicians also a plus.

+online dating safety rules

Dreamers combines sex and cinema well.

Philophile @186:

What exactly about auntie grizelda’s history suggests to you that she has an intact hymen that needs stretching?

The last letter does nothing to answer the question of the letter that came before it, but at least you got to look down on somebody for not enjoying sex the same way that you do.

treehugger,

If Hunter78 is anything like me it’s not looking down on Philophile for enjoying sex differently, it’s frustration at not even understanding what she means by ‘sex.’ There are a lot of words exchanged but communication seems dismal in both directions and it’s hard to understand why it’s so hard. EricaP and nocutename enjoy sex differently from me but I think we can all understand one another.

Also frustration that she uses an idiosyncratic paradigm to explain how sex should be experienced by everyone, and seems fairly rigidly prescriptive about it.

For instance, auntie grizelda doesn’t seem keen on the idea of masturbating in front of a stranger as a way of finding out if she wants to have sex again. Most of us can understand this even if we happen to enjoy it ourselves. It’s very common not to feel at ease having sex with strangers, especially women. Some people are exhibitionists, some voyeurs, some neither or both, and if auntie grizelda does not happen to be an exhibitionist this won’t work for her.

Philophile doesn’t drop her recommendation upon auntie grizelda’s demurral but responds by explaining the utility of her approach in detail. That could be interesting and contribute usefully to the thread if Philophile showed any empathy at all for someone *not wanting to* — that is, disclosing that this not a welcome activity, something that Philophile states herself to be all about. Since she doesn’t demonstrate empathy or that she’s receptive to auntie grizelda’s disclosure of unwelcome activity, we’re left confused as to why she apparently does not understand fairly basic things about how many people experience sex, and wondering how she experiences it that is apparently so different. Or whether her understanding of two-party sex is purely theoretical.

The ad Philophile proposes for finding a stranger to masturbate with is completely unnecessary if she’s talking about online sex (which she partly seems to be). In one’s profile, state that one is interested in ‘chat.’ Or respond to someone with a stated interest in ‘chat.’ That’s it. For someone who apparently thinks that ordering up a stranger for sex on the Internet is so straightforward (which it can be), she seems not to have actually done it herself. Otherwise she would know. And if she hasn’t done it herself, how come she’s so at ease being prescriptive?

I'm uncircumcised, but no one ever asks me how I feel.

@Alison Cummins(190):

Bravo and Thank you! You said it so much, much better than I could have.

@Gou Tongzhi,

So, how do you feel?

Mr. Ven--Look what I found:

http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment…

@187 I didn't assume she had an intact hymen. I also don't believe in intact sphincters.

I'm sorry Alison, but I don't talk to aggressive people well. My replies will probably be layered in sarcasm unless you can find another mode of communication with me.

Ms Cute - I'd still rather get Mrs Patmore to sound like Lady Mary than the other way around. And I still use one on a regular basis, however right you may turn out to be about what is or isn't tenable.

What a ghastly find! It's hard to imagine an appropriate punishment for the miscreant. Maybe one should be required to recite Mansfield Park from memory.

Mr.Ven--isn't there some happy medium between Mrs. Patmore and Lady Mary? Say, Mrs. Crawford?

Philophile @186: “Re dildo: I think it can help you both physically stretch and get comfortable with penetration again. You can do the same with your butt to stretch for anal, or if you're afraid of anal to relax, literally. But you'd be working on your hymen not sphincter, and relaxing any tension in vag not ass.”

If someone’s hymen is not intact, why would they need to work at stretching it with a dildo?

Philophile @196, while yes I am explaining why I feel frustrated I do not intend to be aggressive. My frustration may show (I don’t see much point in hiding my frustration, it’s a fact so it’s information I am sharing) but I am not angry with you or threatening you. You seem very well-intentioned and to have a lot to contribute if only I could figure out what it was.

I reread @190 and see a lot of hypotheses but not assumptions.

@186 Philophile: I'm still here, but doing a little more reading than posting, and slowly taking everything in. You offer some lovely thoughts and encouraging suggestions and it sounds nice, but...*sigh*
Thus my comments @153 (to nocutename) & @155 (to LavaGirl).

@190 Alison Cummins: I haven't had sex for 13 1/2 years mainly because the last time I ad sex with anyone it was with the man I was once so very unhappily married to. He had threatened my life the day before, and I felt absolutely nothing between the sheets with him that one last time. I just wanted it to be over. I don't want to go there ever again.

@199 If I haven't had girthy sex on the order of years, I need to do this occasionally so girthy sex is possible again without needing to be ridiculously relaxed first. +Woman friend had this problem last week, and I've spoken about it with others. +Seem to remember reading about hymen regrowth over years as well. +Seem to remember Griz talking about tension or something internal muscularly.

@200 Ok. Ffr, I consider it rude to speculate about my experience (polite to offer your own and ask and accept no gracefully), or to challenge an opinion without giving a reason, couching questions to me in the third person, drawing unflattering judgements before questioning me about the assumptions, probably more but I have a headache.

"I don’t see much point in hiding my frustration"
The point would be to invite me to respond with actual information rather than with frustration of my own.

It would probably do you well to speak to me as you would an autie, as I do need a lot for juicy communication. Specifics mostly relate to my personality NT or INTP, easy to find online. In short, I have low tolerance for rudeness and emotional appeals. Hostility is a conversational turn off to me but I'll spar if I think I should. I know that I work differently than most, which is why I like just throwing a simple suggestion or general idea or relevant experience out. I prefer, no adore, rapid fire info exchange though. I find board posting difficult.

" You seem very well-intentioned and to have a lot to contribute if only I could figure out what it was. "
This is a good example of the kind of backhanded compliment that I wouldn't think to respond to if you hadn't asked me a polite question, and fairly politely, while acknowledging our differences, asked me to explain my behavior as well.

@190 Where to start? "Philophile doesn’t drop her recommendation upon auntie grizelda’s demurral but responds by explaining the utility of her approach in detail."
I thought I explained this in the first paragraph? Not well enough?

@202 Philophile: Thank you and others for all your concerns. I guess one of my previous questions was if there would be too much excruciating pain for me from tightened muscles due to such a long period of inactivity over the years (although I know there are relaxation techniques, and lubricants to aid that). So that could actually be a self-filling prophecy ('If I think it's going to hurt, it's going to hurt'). Okay. I admit that. I'm afraid.
My sex drive at 50 is very low overall. I don't feel comfortable with seeking anybody yet, if at all. The idea of dating scares the shit out of me at this point in my life, to be humbly honest and bare myself naked in front of everybody onscreen.
I feel the need to heal myself throughout first before considering finding a partner. Like I said in @146, I have had to chuck a lot of excess garbage from my life over these last ten + years. For me it's going to take a while, but I'm getting there.

Philophile: ok, you thought hymens can regrow. That explains your comment.

They can’t.
Planned Parenthood http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimate…
Scarleteen (advice asked by someone who was apparently trying to penetrate her urethra) http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimate…

Ms Cute - I maintain that the aristocracy could be considered a middle ground of sorts, as they tend to disregard the odd rule here and there. It's the climbing class (example - Hyacinth Bucket) that are so persnickety in their determination to sound like their self-accepted betters.

@auntie griz: I don't think that the long period of inactivity would cause pain or discomfort so much as tensing up would.
Whether partnered or solo, you want to relax: a glass or two of wine, some marijuana, a warm bath, music you like, an atmosphere of "no worry and no hurry": all these things can help you relax. I'd have a couple of fantasies primed and ready to go for your mind to start your arousal, and a lot of lube on hand. Then I think you should start with clitoral stimulation, however you generally like that--with your fingers or a vibrator, rather than a shower massage, maybe--and once you're already feeling good, you could introduced a well-lubed dildo, a small one, to start.

However, I'm not sure why you want that dildo in the first place. If it's to get you used to vaginal penetration with a penis-like object in anticipation/preparation for a human penis at some point in the future, I don't think it's necessary. If and when you get to that point with a partner, you'll want to make sure to take it very, very slowly: lots of kissing and caressing, lots of foreplay, lots of lube, a real sense of "if it doesn't happen this time, it's not a big deal." You don't need to pre-accustom yourself to a penis for it not to hurt to have one in you. You just need to be sufficiently turned on and relaxed in the moment.

But there's also no reason not to use a dildo to reassure yourself that it won't be painful, or to stimulate your g-spot or add to the sensation of fullness or pressure, if that's what you like.

If you've been masturbating satisfactorily without one, there's no need to incorporate one, but if you want to change things up, then by all means, allow yourself to think of the addition of a dildo as something fun, not something to be fearful of.

If you haven't been masturbating all this time, did you use to need penetration to orgasm? If so, you'll want to reproduce the feeling, and you'll want a dildo. If not, start by just focusing on your clit.

Also, did you use to experience pain with your ex-husband' penis inside you? If so, perhaps you were tense because he didn't get you sufficiently aroused or because you were afraid of something he might do. In other words, your whole self might have been tense. In that case, some cognitive behavioral therapy, showing you that sex/penetration doesn't need to be accompanied by a tensed-up body can be an important healing step.

All this, of course, only if you want to. It's your life and your body. You are free to be as sexual or as celibate as you like without explanation or shame.

@auntie griz: More thoughts. If your ex-husband represents your sole or almost sole sexual partner, basically the sum total of your sexual experience, and your associations with him are so negative and traumatic, then it naturally follows that all sexual activity might be paired with negative responses: tenseness, rigidity, fear, wariness. Perhaps you could visit a sex therapist. I don't think you'd need a lot of therapy: maybe just two or three sessions might be enough to shift your attitude and bodily responses to sexual cues.

It sounds like you need to do some re-programing. Sex, even solo sex, should be a way for you to have pleasure in your life, not pain and anxiety. Sex that's just for you and with you and done by you is important and you deserve to derive joy from it. If you haven't been masturbating because any and all sexual touch sets off a feeling of anxiety or tenseness, you can try to address that. And if your libido is low, I've discovered that I often operate under a "use it or lose it" or "out of sight, out of mind" mentality. The more sex I have (whether by myself or with a partner), the more I want; the less I have, the less I seem to "remember" how much I like it. It's weird, but it might be some of what's affecting you.

Thanks Hunter. Mouse in the pocket, nice touch.
Grizelda; I do understand your fear; thank you for disclosing your feelings here..like I said, I see you spending some time with a cool musician..
Philo; stay true to yourself. Again; impressed with your polite responses.

@griz "He had threatened my life the day before, and I felt absolutely nothing between the sheets with him that one last time. I just wanted it to be over."

It's also possible that you have some PTSD from that episode (or others if that wasn't the first time he threatened you).

I agree with nocutename @207 that a few counseling sessions might help you shake the associations between sex and trauma.

And I also agree that if I am regularly having sex / masturbating, I think about sex every day. Whereas on the times when I've traveled away for work (making me busy and unpartnered), it can take several weeks before it occurs to me to masturbate.