Savage Love

Inanimate Objections

Comments

1
First :)
2
"Closure isn't something you find. It's something you do."

Thanks for that one.
3
Ah; more masturbation chat. No I'm staying out of this one.
Adolescents and their sexual awakening. After 5 sons, I've learnt to just mind my own business and ask no questions, you get told no lies.
4
Feeling kind of sorry for ASFH here. He's wearing something she knows is his sex toy in public. Nobody else knows, but she knows, and it makes her unhappy.



Honestly, Dan nailed it. It might not be a DTMFA, but the combination of things--she's not into spanking, she's uncomfortable with how he gets his spanking done, and he wears his sex toy out in public which makes her even more uncomfortable--is a pretty significant incompatibility. "Thank you and best wishes" might be the words to go on here.
5
For the love of God, POPS, find a sex shop that offers gift certificates (seriously, what modern retailer doesn't).
6
I think most sex shops have an age requirement - not sure if sixteen qualifies.





Sounds to me like his parents are fine with him exploring his sexuality, but don't want to know all the details about how he's doing it... or have to wonder what other objects around the house they should wash their hands after touching.





But perhaps, if POPS doesn't want to know too much about the toy his son gets, he could let his son make a private purchase on a certain site - up to but not exceeding a certain amount - with POPS's credit card, thus allowing enough privacy for both of them to be comfortable with it.
7
It's not just any pair of panties this guy found- they're from his ex. It's one thing to keep a few pics or memories for the spank bank, but probably should toss items such as sex toys, underwear, half-empty bottles of lube, sex videos etc.



Besides, a memento is a meaningless symbol if someone really takes a piece of you. As hard as I try I can't get my hot yoga instructor who I almost dated out of my spank bank. I cum to him every single time I get off- no pair of his boxers necessary (although I might really enjoy that. lol) It's taking a lot of time, effort and hard work- but am slowly thinking of him less and less.



I'm just saying- if you want to move forward in life, you have to let go of attachments to the past. Toss the ex's panties now! She's obviously still in your thoughts and you need to let go.
8
@LavaGirl: Lol.

Five sons? That's impressive.
9
POPS - give your kid a prepaid credit card and tell him to sign up for amazon...trust me..they sell EVERYTHING..... done. (or if that doesn't work, sign him up for a sub account of yours and just resist the urge to look at the it....

(shitty tampons...lol.... c'mon kid.... hide! we all learned how to do that... don't be so cavalier about it...i know it says not to flush those...but....FLUSH THOSE)
10
@9: Nope; sorry, COTB, but having had to REPLACE AN ENTIRE FUCKING TOILET SEAT because of a flushed-tampon debacle, I stand firmly on the "never flush a tampon" side. But for god's sakes, man, wrap that thing in a whole lot of toilet paper before throwing it away.
And the excrement? Gotta do a better job of cleaning himself.
11
@10. Correction: not a toilet seat; a whole toilet. To the tune of a lot of money, and after an unholy mess.
Don't flush tampons.
12
And really, truly, don't flush tampons if you have a septic tank. It's bad enough with a sewer hookup.
13
Indeed, don't flush tampons. Plus, the sister would likely get blamed for a possible plumbing issue. But getting the kid something with a flared base is still a better idea than teaching the kid to wrap up a used tampon. I do agree that a little prevention now may prevent a hospital visit later. I also, personally, would value the peace of mind of not wondering if any random household objects have been utilized. While he's likely too young for the gift certificate idea to work, various suggestions have been made for helping him buy it more discreetly. But please, get this kid something designed for safer use. Then never bring up the subject again.
14
As a mom who has fished her fair share of crusty socks out from under a bed, having the "for the love of all that is holy please stop..." is not comfortable for anyone. However, it is better to be open and matter of fact about the situation. After the middle boy rubbed his poor little penis raw, he was 7 and started rubbing himself after his mom my sister died, I started leaving jars of udder cream on the bathroom sink and their nightstands. I also explained that household items were not designed for sexual use so don't! Instead I set up an account with an online adult dvd and toy store with a credit card that had a $150.00 limit that they knew they could use once a month but they needed to pay the bill.
15
bxtorr19, will you be my mom???

Back to reality. nocutename (#10) closed with a very important piece of advice that way too many folks into ass play of any sort never seem to get around to dealing with, i.e., cleaning your ass. It can be as simple or as involved as one chooses, but The benefits of this exercise are numerous, making the sex better for any and all parties concerned, (except for the scat lovers I guess).
16
I sometimes don't quite get your images Joe- no problem this week.
@14, having grown up one of 4 daughters, I was initially perplexed when I found the stiff socks. Obviously, that's where those lost socks get to..
Good on you for caring for your sister's boy. And talking of him as if he is your own.
17
"Closure isn't something you find. It's something you do."





Thanks Dan, I've been going through a tough time recently with accepting a failed relationship. I'll remember this line.
18
ASFH; obviously you guy wants to be kink ready, maybe?
If you accept him heading out to spank other girls, just turn a blind eye to him wearing that special belt. Or move along. Or try a little spanking yourself.
19
Panties Man; gawd, inside a pair of shorts you haven't worn for yrs.
Think you should dice them. Maybe do a symbolic ceremony- letting this girl go as you let the cloth go..
And then go buy yourself a nice pair of lacy, silk undies
( sorry, , panties is one weird word), and be in the present with the girl who is with you now.
20
I pretty much just think fine, whatever, he's a teenager, there's very little I can do about it. So long as he doesn't get porn-obsessed and start letting his grades slip, it's fine.

POPS talks as if he could theoretically forbid his son to masturbate but is willing to tolerate it, on the condition that it doesn't interfere with his son's grades, of course. He also doesn't seem to want to consider the idea that a 16-year-old boy has probably been masturbating for years now. Hilarious. Was POPS never a teenager?

Also, I think ASFH's bf sounds like a tool. I don't see her request that he wear a different belt as dealbreaking insecurity; I see it as her trying to set boundaries and deal with what sound like normal feelings of jealousy so that she can continue to be okay with their arrangement. He's lucky enough to have a girlfriend who's okay with him spanking other people -- seriously, how fucking hard is it to just wear a different belt or get a different one for spanking? Maybe he just really likes that belt, or maybe spanking with the same belt that he wears daily is significant to him, or maybe, as Dan suggests, the belt is part of his identity or something.* In any of those cases, it seems that wearing a different belt to accommodate his girlfriend's feelings would be a small sacrifice.

*Having a piece of clothing that you consider an integral part of your "identity" is a very strong indication that you might be a tool.
21
ASFH might want to buy her boyfriend a new belt to wear.
She can tell him that:

1) she thinks he looks really good in it
2) it is time for a wardrobe update
3) she wants him to think of her when he buckles it
and
4) she would like him to keep his spanking belt as a dedicated spanking belt in a toy bag.

If he doesn't:
1) thank her for the gift
2 use the new belt
3) respect her wishes and comply with her request vis a vis reserving the spanking belt for spanking only and keeping it with (other) sex toys or accessories,

Then it might be time to DTMFA.
22
I wish at some point Dan would write more about Closure. So many people feel it is something we FIND--outside of us-- instead of something we DO--inside of us--by forgiving ourselves for being involved with a bad person. Only then can we move on.
23
This part: "and he wears that particular belt all the time, even though you've asked him not to." really stands out to me. If he's got other belts, that's a douchebag move. I'm with #21.
24
Parenting these days are so hard....
25
The best part of this week's wacko column is the reference to Oscar statuettes! Who wouldn't want that ripped golden dude w/the sword & the stoic expression up their ass?
26
ASFH: Christmas is coming, buy him a new belt.
27
@26. You really think the problem is that he doesn't have/can't buy another belt? The problem is that he enjoys wearing that belt regardless that/because it hurts her feelings. He's an asshole, and buying him a new belt isn't going to fix that.
28
Got it.... don't flush tampons...hahaha. Then maybe another approach is to quietly tell the daughter it's okay to keep her tampons hidden in her room....lol. (i'm on a septic system myself....and don't flush or let anything bad down the drains.... but if i am 15....and have just pulled a tampon out of my ass....i'm probably risking it....)
29
No, OPP should get rid of the panties!! Move the f*ck on already..
30
@5: For the love of god, those gift certificates are still not valid for shoppers under 18!





This is the reason that a parent would have to go out and buy sex toys for their kids. So that their kids stop using their cucumbers, or (worse) their own sex toys.
31
@24:

Yeah, because in centuries past, we just put them to work at the age of 12, and they were too damn busy to masturbate.
32
@-4 insecurity, not discomfort, and she stated in the letter that she had no problem with how he goes about his business.
33
POPS: I think the idea of getting your son a gift certificate from an online sex shop is a great idea.



OPP: Get rid of you old girlfriend's, it's just going to be a reminder of a failed relationship. A relationship that you've admitted you have have had a hard time getting over. The panties will be a constant reminder of that failure. Go out and get a new pair of panties or better yet ask you new girlfriend if you can have one of hers.
34
I think what POPS really wanted to say instead of "experimenting with masturbation" was "experimenting with gay masturbation" or... zomg... "experimenting with homosexuality..." I do like his point about making sure that his son keeps his grades up, because you know, gay peeps are so obsessed with porn and ass play that they throw everything out the window to satisfy their bootie needs.



@31- you might need to give your innuendo idle screw a half turn clockwise.
36
For POPS, I'd recommend giving your son some books on the body & sexuality, and including among them a book that spells out why anal toys need a flared base. For instance: Charlie Glickman and Aislinn Emirzian. The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure.

Other possible books to include in the stack:
Cathy Winks and Anne Semans, The New Good Vibrations Guide to Sex.

Heather Corinna (founder of Scarleteen), S.E.X.: the all-you-need-to-know progressive sexuality guide to get you through high school and college.

Howard Schiffer, How To Be The Best Lover: A Guide for Teenage Boys .
37
@27: I refer you to @21.
38
Re ASFH, I disagree with the consensus that the guy is a jerk. If he used his hand to spank other people, and then the girlfriend asked that he not touch her intimately with that hand, posters would agree that she was out of line.

If you're okay with him spanking people, then you need to be okay with him doing it his way. Without other evidence that he enjoys hurting her feelings, I think the simplest explanation is that "spanking with the same belt that he wears daily is significant to him" (as @20 proposes).

He's entitled to live out his sexuality the way he wants to. He's not lying to anyone.

But the bottom line is that women who love to be spanked are easy to find. I'd recommend that a guy who loves cunnilingus not date a girlfriend who isn't into it, and that a guy who loves spanking not date a girl who isn't into that.
39
I think Dan missed a couple things on POPS. Buying his kid some butt plugs or giving him a gift certificate to an online sex store are great ideas. But does this kid know about the existence anal sex toys? Does he know why you use them and not tooth brushes? Does he know how to stay clean and safe during anal play? I'd say, if he's got access to the internet, he's got partial answers to these questions but may have bad information about most of the rest. This father needs to have a longer butt-related sex talk with his son rather than trying to push away the existence of his son's masturbatory habits. Better to have the embarrassing (for both of them) talk than for the kid to end up in the ER with a household item stuck in his butt.
40
@38: EricaP I don't think you can make the case that if a man spanked women other than his gf with his hand no one would expect him not to still use that hand to caress his girlfriend.

He would have no choice. Just like, like it or not, no matter how insecure one is, we understand that the penis a man uses to have sex with his current boyfriend is the same one he used to have sex with the last guy.

This guy has a choice. He can choose to wear a different belt for keeping his pants up than he uses to spank women who aren't his girlfriend. Yes, he's entitled to live out his sexuality any way he wants, but if he has a close emotional relationship with his girlfriend, he might be expected to want to do something relatively small, effort-wise, to make her comfortable.

There are several reasons I can think of for him wearing that belt:

Even though the lw says she's "asked him not to" wear the belt, he may not be aware how much it bothers her. Maybe she only asked once. Maybe the way she phrased the question didn't make it clear why she is bothered.

Perhaps he likes looking down at the buckle and knowing that this very belt, the one he's wearing on his khakis during the most boring meeting ever, was most recently put to a very different use. He feels that sense of "I've got a sexy secret" and it gets him through the meeting or it turns him on a bit. In this way, he's kind of involving other unaware people in his kink--and maybe that turns him on, too. (I suspect that this is the main reason, but who knows.)

Maybe he only has one belt, and he's never thought it would be important or necessary to have more than one.

Maybe he has another, not necessarily sexual attachment to the belt, and he really likes it.

Maybe he enjoys being insensitive to his girlfriend's stated request. He either knows it bothers her and he just doesn't care, or more passive-aggressively, he wears it on purpose to bother her.

If this last scenario is the case, she's in serious DTMFA territory, but if it's almost any of the others, as along as he's willing to make some changes, I don't see why they can't work something out.

I think step one is for her to really tell him how much this bothers her--to make sure he knows that she's hurt or made jealous by it. Then I think they can come up with a compromise, depending on his reason for wearing that belt.

If he never gave any thought to it, but just owns the one belt and doesn't really care, this could be easy

If the belt is significant for non-spanking purposes, he can get a new, dedicated spanking belt and continue using that one just to complete his outfit.

If he likes to think about what he also does with that belt when he's in a non-sexual situation, perhaps they could compromise, and he could wear the belt in public but only in situations when she's not present (so perhaps to work, or when out drinking with the guys, but not on a date with her or when they're at his family's house together for Sunday dinner).

41
@EricaP (#40 to #38 in continuation): Maybe he really likes or even loves this particular woman. Maybe all her other qualities outweigh the fact that she doesn't want to be spanked, or maybe it's more important to him that he and his gf be compatible in a bunch of other ways, and she fits those.
After all, it's not as if he has to forfeit his spanking fetish by dating her; she's allowing him to get that desire met elsewhere.

I'm not so sure that it's all that easy to find any sort of person. People that we want to become emotionally involved with aren't commodities we can order from a store. And spanking with a belt is a far higher order of spanking than a lot of other people who might otherwise be okay with a bit of light spanking might be comfortable with (let alone turned on by).

It doesn't sound like the lw has an issue with his spanking other women so much as she does having the visible evidence of it reminding her at every opportunity. Maybe she prefers to turn a blind eye.
42
re ASFH: Oh good grief. I use a belt to spank my play partners on occasion, and I wear that belt all the time. But it's not that I'm wearing it because it's my "special spanking belt", it's that I spank people with it because it's the belt I happen to be wearing almost ALL THE TIME. In other words, it's the most handy implement after my own hand.

If ASFH were to convince her boyfriend to wear a different belt around her, I'm willing to bet she'd start wondering if he ever "slipped up" and used *that* belt to give spankings. And God forbid he ever accidentally wear the wrong belt around her.

Unless she one day honestly discovers that she enjoys being spanked herself, ASFH needs to either accept that he likes to spank other girls, or accept that she's not as cool with his spanking proclivity as she's pretending she is.

And EricaP is right @38: if she doesn't drop the issue, he should seriously consider finding another girlfriend, one who is more compatible.
43
@30: Shockingly, it's entirely possible to click the box verifying that you're 18 EVEN IF YOU'RE 17. Maybe not 16 or 15 though. :-P
44
@40: Or maybe he uses whatever belt he has on, and there's no significance to it outside of AFSH's head.
45
Here is what you do: Get your horny son a pre-paid master card with 50 or 100 bucks on it and print out a couple of appropriate sex toy recommendations with a note that reads "These are safer. We will not open or question any packages we receive in the mail addressed to you. We will never speak of this again" and leave it on his desk/dresser/bed what ever.
46
@38:
But the bottom line is that women who love to be spanked are easy to find. I'd recommend that a guy who loves cunnilingus not date a girlfriend who isn't into it, and that a guy who loves spanking not date a girl who isn't into that.

Sure, but one also needs to consider that while there are countless women who enjoy cunnilingus or spanking, there may well be zero who are all of the following: attracted (physically, socially, intellectually, etc.) to the person in question; likely to ever meet the person in question; and attractive (physically, socially, intellectually, etc.) to the person in question. For some people (perhaps more than is commonly thought), dating may well involve either compromising (perhaps compromising a lot) on sexual preferences or going years without having sex with another person.
47
There are a lot of cool parents (or would be parents) in this thread.

EricaP - Love your Savage Love comments.
48
@nocutename, maybe this is a situation that calls for Dan's approach when one's partner disapproves of porn. (One pretends not to use porn, and one's partner pretends to believe that.)

ASFH's bf should sit down and hear out her concerns. Then he should promise to get a special spanking belt, and use that for all his outside spankings. Then he should use whatever belt he wants in his private encounters with other women and just not rub it in his girlfriend's face. He pretends not to use the belt he wears all the time, and she pretends to believe him.
49
@28 I'm going to guess you don't have a lot of experience with menstrual cycles, but that's a terrible thing to do to the daughter. One is sometimes surprised by the need for a tampon, which is why having them in the bathroom is very useful. Also, having to regularly fish out tampons and bring them to the bathroom would be more work for the daughter, and there is no reason she should have to deal with that because of her brother's behavior. It's just not right to punish the daughter and cause her more awkwardness over a physical process she can't control, is probably still getting used to, and may be fairly irregular as it often is for the first couple of years (then settles down to sometimes irregular, but a bit more predictable).

I'm not sure how good of an idea sticking tampons up an ass in the first place. It violates the flared base rule, which is why I wasn't inclined to post suggestions for doing it more stealthily. But stealth is ridiculously simple. Just wrap the tampons in toilet paper. Nobody is likely to unwrap them to see whether they were used for blood or anal play. Wrap in a bit of toilet paper and throw them in the trash, just like the sister is likely doing.

The only potential issue with this is who is paying for the tampons and are they okay with that. But it does deal with the evidence simply and neatly. Yet, I still think a toy designed for safer use is a far, far better solution. And probably a book or some literature on safe anal play. A toy has the advantages of being safer, reusable, and decreases the odds of random experimentation with other household items. Personally, I just don't trust the judgement of most horny teens to not use something as a sex toy and slip it back and have it be something I really didn't want up anybody's bodily orifice.
50
And finally, OPP, closure isn't something you find. It's something you do.

Just one more vote here for this tidbit - it's the best piece of advice in this week's column. As someone who felt

@10 - I think your plumber took advantage of you. As a septic tank owner (a few in my life actually) the admonition against flushing tampons (and other feminine hygiene products, if anybody still uses the others) is very important (they don't degrade!), but I've replaced a few toilets in my life, and I'm puzzled that a tampon couldn't be forcibly removed, although it might be necessary to remove the toilet from the floor.

I'm with @7 on the mementos thing...I'd ditch that pair of panties as part of letting go of that ex. I've got my own shoebox of things which gets periodically (1-2x a year) taken down, sorted and pruned, so I am sympathetic to the desire to hold on to some keepsakes. Undies certainly qualify. However, if you had a hard time letting go of her emotionally, and you're with someone else now, it's for the best to purposefully move on. This has nothing to do with what remains in your (mental) spank bank.
51
Does anyone else think it's a problem that POPS thinks shaming might be an appropriate way to deal with this? Somehow I can't see that working out very well.
52
At the risk of representing an insecure bag of slop, I'm going to disagree with Dan on the panties call.

Mementos of the good times? Sure: Photos of the two of you together, a plane ticket from a nice vacation, a gift she gave you.

Mementos of sexy times? Less OK... especially if this girl turned you on so much that your currents' panties just wouldn't suffice. My stomach would turn if this was my boyfriends' post.
53
Shopping/to-do list for POPS: Twin pack of nitrile exam gloves and breathable waterproof mattress pad (Costco), large pump bottle of lube, half-a-dozen dark towels, large tub of OxiClean, lessons on how to use washer and dryer. Probably less embarrassing and ultimately more educationally useful than butt plugs.
54
Oof, I gotta say I disagree with pretty much all three of these.

1. Teaching a teen discretion is not the same as shaming. I seriously doubt either the sister or mother found those tampons by intentionally digging through the trash. The kid needs to learn that yeah, exploration is fun and all that good stuff, but clean up after yourself. He's already been pretty careless with his "toys" to date, and he probably won't be any different with a buttplug.

2. DTMFA. LW asked her boyfriend not to wear the belt and he does it anyway. Yeah, they don't seem to be a good match because of his kink, but he's also a selfish asshole for not respecting her wishes when she's been pretty accommodating of his. That's the bigger problem.

3. NOPE, throw them out. LW acknowledged that he's not over his old girlfriend, and keeping her panties is like hanging on to that relationship. He doesn't really even seem ready for a relationship right now. He's not being fair to the current girlfriend and he should set her free. Keeping a pair of an ex-girlfriend's intimates is not the same as having a shoebox of old pictures. If you're having to hide something from your partner, you're not being honest with them.
55
@50: AFinch, I'll spare you the details (especially as I'm eating lunch right now), but assure you that the problem was dealt with the best possible way. (The tampon wasn't where you probably think it was.) I've been thinking about how an already used tampon would work as an anal sex toy: it's small, and not all that stiff once it's no longer in a plastic applicator (which I guess are the kinds and the state best suited for ass play), so I guess that the kid was taking his sister's unused, still-in-their-applicators (whether cardboard or plastic) tampons. Which means that they would be a bit harder to conceal in the family trash. (It also means this whole topic is less gross than I'd first imagined it, and it rules out O.B. brand tampons!) But a tampon still in its applicator doesn't even have a hanging, accessible string for removing, and if the applicator is applied to get it where the ass-player wants, it's that much more dangerous a toy, with that much more risk of ending the kid up in the emergency room.
Tampons are expensive. Another reason to invest once in a quality, safe toy.

#45 has excellent advice, along with maybe a direction to Scarletteen, and the "reminder" to a kid long versed, I'm sure, in making himself older on Internet sites he wants to access, to click the "over 18" button.
56
@30: Not everyone lives in Texas or Utah. Also, online shopping exists.
57
@48: Well, that could be what they end up doing, and no doubt it would be a good solution. But if the bf's reason for using that belt is anything like Chase's, he might honestly be okay with having two belts and using one as a dedicated spanking belt. Maybe it's just never occurred to him and he only has the one belt and it didn't seem like such a big deal to him, so it wouldn't be so difficult to make a switch, especially if he's now using a belt given to him as a gift from his gf to hold his pants up.

58
@11: Why would you have to replace an entire toilet? Did the tampon explode? Did you isolate the water supply and then un-isolate haphazardly introducing water hammer that ripped it apart? Or did you get angry and do a Hulk smash on it? Inquiring minds want to know.
59
John Horstman @46, as someone whose marriage has survived some serious issues because my husband satisfies my sexual fetish, I like Dan's advice to compromise on other factors before that of sexual compatibility.
60
The letter to 'pops' was a good one.
61
@49 - i actually have plenty of experience with menstrual cycles... (not me of course...) i grew up with 3 sisters. You are reading way too much into my post. I pictured my own sisters....fishing a brown tampon out of the trashcan...complaining to dad....having it happen again...and my dad saying "i am going to talk to him...but in the meantime... maybe keep those hidden from him".



nothing more was meant. (and no..this story did NOT happen in my life... just easy to picture sibling issues when reading about them). You make it sound like simply suggesting to the daughter that maybe it is in her best interest to keep her plug sized belongings away from her overzealous brother is somehow akin to shaming her for having cycles in the first place. Seems a bit defensive. In any case - no blame of the daughter was intentionally implied
62
Geez, it's only a belt. If the gf has already oked her bf going out, being with other women- then the difficult part is done. Giving him a hard time about wearing the same belt he uses , just seems bazaar to me. And if the guy still wears the belt, maybe bazaar to him.
It's like, " I can't control him and stop him from enjoying this behaviour with other women, but I'll make sure the belt he uses is never in my sight".
Is he being a jerk or just blocking her trying to control the situation.


63
@62: Well, it might seem bizarre to you, LavaGirl, but it's obviously important to ASFH, and dismissing or belittling her discomfort doesn't seem to be a very productive response.

Maybe he gets off on looking at that belt and thinking of what else he uses it for, and his gf knows or suspects that, and she then knows he's thinking about other sexual encounters more than she thinks he's thinking about the ones they have. Who knows. She feels that he's flaunting his outside sex in front of her. This causes her unhappiness.

I suppose it's our right to judge her and dismiss her with a "jeez it's only a belt" response, but you (or Chase or me or EricaP) might have something that deeply upsets you that isn't even a blip on someone else's radar.
64
@61 If the sister wants to do that, it's fine. I just feel that it's important that she not be inconvenienced due to her brother's sexual activities. And this really isn't something she should have to deal with. I have siblings myself, and it just really rubs me the wrong way to have to be protective of what are, essentially, medical care items so that a sibling won't mess with them. I think parents need to ensure that kids feel safe in their own homes, which includes basic respect for their property. Fortunately, the son seems to have stopped messing with his sister's tampons already.

Basically, there are a few issues tangled together here. The teen needs to learn to be considerate of others. The teen needs to not be shamed or made to feel bad for sexual curiosity. And the teen needs to be able to explore in a way that is safe and not likely to end in a hospital visit. I think all of those goals are really important ones.
65
I'm not dismissing her discomfort. Just thinking her discomfort is misplaced.
If she is not comfortable with her bf going with other women, then she should own that .. The belt is just an innocent bystander.
66
@63, yes, if something is deeply upsetting, one should make that clear to one's partner and hope that they will take it seriously.

But suppose the guy had a leather jacket he loved, and it was a gift from an ex. Sure, I can see how that would upset a new girlfriend, and I can see her asking him to give it away, or at least not wear it every day. And many guys would be happy to do that for her.

But if this hypothetical guy decided that he really liked the jacket, and he didn't care that it upset his girlfriend -- that doesn't make him a bad person. He is who he is. It's reasonable for an adult to want to be in charge of his own wardrobe.
67
34, just wanting to point out that b/c the kid apparently enjoys assplay doesn't say anything about his possible sexual orientation.
68
Ms Cute - #21 is venturing dangerously close to Prudieland - platitudes so flat that they sound fake even when they're sincere. But the rest is sound enough, though I can't read below the jumps of your longer comments.



Ms Erica - How heterocentric is the guide to which you refer? I rather suspect that straight and non-straight need different books.
69
There's "other girl ass history" on that belt and he gets off on wearing it. Tell him the "other girl ass history" belt is not a welcome shared experience. Don't wear it around you. If he can't deal, then find some dudes to fingerbang you with a comfortable pair of gloves and carry those everywhere. DTMFA.
70
@69; that's a novel solution!
And agree- these two don't seem a good fit for each other.
71
I'm guessing she might want him not to wear the same underpants as well, even after they are washed- or his shoes, they took him to the places where he spanked the other women..
72
@68, I believe the first three books I mentioned @36 have sections for gay teens though Howard Schiffer's book may not. Corinna's book is the only one I have on my shelf, though, so I'm happy to be corrected if someone knows better.

The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure definitely has sections on what to do by yourself, which seems as if it would be the same for gay or straight young men.

If you have books to suggest for gay teens, why not name them?
73
If I were POPS I would throw anything that can fit in an ass in the garbage right now.
74
@Mr Ven: Ah, you know how we differ regarding our opinions on Prudie. I thank you for the compliment of comparing me to her.
75
@65 (LavaGirl): You could easily be right in that she's displacing all her jealousy and discomfort onto the belt.
She probably is.
In which case, the only solution is for them to either close down the relationship (and she should try to get into spankings) or acknowledge a basic incompatibility and break up.

I just don't necessarily like to leap straight to that course of action. It often seems to be suggested pretty cavalierly around these parts.
76
@42 I'm convinced that you're probably right about the belt situation. I wouldn't know personally, as I have minimal experience with giving or receiving sexy ass-whoopings.
77
Totally disagree with those who think POPS, or any parent, should buy their children sex toys. Massive fucking squick factor. I can't think of anything more revolting than if my dad bought my teenage self something for anal penetration and pleasure. The kid has been in denial about what he is doing (as most kids are); he isn't soliciting his parent's input on how to properly masturbate, as I am sure none of the commentariat here did.

Somehow, I am sure this fine young lad will find a way to masturbate without parental guidance. I would gladly take the insanely small risk of a trip to the ED over the lifelong shame of getting a knowing look from POP at the kitchen table when it was time to slice the cucumbers...
80
I'm with @2 fubar, Dan, regarding your advice to OPP about keeping a paitr of his ex-girlfriend's lacy panties: "Closure isn't something you find. It's something you do." Brilliant and amen!



@3 LavaGirl: I'm with you and Geena Davis (as Thelma, in Thelma & Louise) to Michael Madsen as Louise's boyfriend, Jimmy, after his line, "Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies.", and Geena responds with "Good answer! Same goes double for me."

*sigh* I now go back to drooling over Brad Pitt's (then 28-year-old) J.D.



Seconded with @11 nocutename and @12 hurrdhurr on advising NOT to flush tampons. This can truly cause major septic problems no matter WHAT it says about tampon flushability on the box (the folks at Proctor & Gamble obviously never had a gal like me in mind!).


81
After reading the letter from POPS, I may never be able to eat another cucumber again...!
82
So here is what I really took away from this column and comment thread: I am eternally grateful to all the forces of the universe that I grew up and still live in New York City, where I have been flushing my flushable tampons (not plastic applicators of course, I'm not a monster) without any ill effects for the entire tampon-wearing era of my life. If I didn't have enough reasons never to move away, that pretty much seals the deal.
83
Hey Tim.. Nocute, I have no opinion either way regards to the mob here suggesting people break up or not.
I just feel this woman would better serve her own interests to move on. Worrying re what belt her guy is wearing, I don't know, just seems she could use her mind in a more enhancing way- romantically.
84
@82: New York really has very little to do with it.
85
LW1: Forget your son's masturbatory habits, and take your cat to the vet. Cats who pee on the floor instead of the litter box are usually doing it because they're feeling pain with urination from an infection or, worse, crystals that can form a blockage and be life threatening. Your son is fine, but your cat needs medical attention.

As far as the toothbrush thing goes, start buying toothbrushes in bulk and make sure that everyone in the household knows that they can grab a fresh one if they find the one they've been brushing their teeth with is suddenly covered with pee (or shit)...and get the son a gift cert for some appropriate toys.
86
@82, really. And the sewers are under the city? And tampons are not degradable? Yuk.
Not a practice in Aus at all. Flushing tampons. Little bins next to the toilet, on trains, in malls etc..
87
A flushable tampon is, what?
89
Adding my voice to those thanking Dan for "Closure is not something you find; it's something you do."
91
I’ve never lived in a city or used a toilet that precluded flushing tampons.
92
An excellent and highly quotable column, Dan. Thanks
93
@84 nocutename: I second that!

@87 LavaGirl: Agreed regarding @82 lazylisa's comment.

A lot of restrooms in restaurants and bars warn against

tampon flushing for obvious reasons.

Fortunately, I no longer have to use tampons anymore,

thank goddess!
94
WHAT is going on with my comment spaces?!? I did NOT hit massive space bars this time!
95
And NO, I am not hungover.
96
Hunter, you know of our GST on tampons? Or luxury tax as you call it.
Yeah, when the Liberal/ Country ( Coalition), were last in power, John Howard as PM- they brought in GST.
Fresh food except. The Women of Australia fought a valiant fight re tampons etc not getting taxed. But did those weaseley little men listen?
Red rats? Of course they swell, hence my amazement they get flushed.
Of course never ever in a septic..
Anyway.
97
Why is everyone saying that ASFH's boyfriend has only one belt? Adult men need at least two: a black one for dark colored pants and a brown one for khakis and brown-shade pants. Not to mention the distinction between casual and dress belts.



And I agree with Tim. I can't think of any reason why a parent should buy or even help buy any kind of sexual item for their child without it being profoundly awkward at best. And I think the risk of an emergency room visit is rather overstated. The need for discretion and cleanliness, however, is not. That should be POPS' approach.
98
And another thing. I've had a dental checkup a couple times a year pretty much my whole life, and they always give me a toothbrush. It's extremely easy to get hold of an old, no-longer-used-for-brushing-teeth toothbrush. Thanks to the bristles, I'd be a lot less worried about the "getting it stuck" issue than I would about the "carving a groove in his sexual response" issue, if the kid wants to double down on using a toothbrush in that way. Although that issue is in my opinion, over-ridden by the "don't talk to your kids about masturbation" taboo.
99
Perhaps someone has mentioned this already, but instead of buying the sex toys themselves, what's wrong with a gift certificate to a local sex-shop? Oh... he's too young to go there? You could say "I'll take you there, and I'll be over here perusing the magazine rack with my back turned until you're done."
100
Ms Erica - I asked because gay adults aren't allowed to know too much about or to do serious research about the lives teenagers without being called some very nasty names. We all look like Brian Kinney to the Morals Squad. Accordingly, I know nothing about any current Guides for Teens, but can recall that the ones from my time were either blatantly heterocentric or else worse when they tried to be inclusive. I was hoping that you would take it as a compliment that I'd trust your opinion on the matter.
101
Ms Cute - Whatever boats your float, as Mrs Bell might have said. Why don't you take over DP? You're far less uninsightful than the incumbent and your wit is at a much higher level. I'd write you a recommendation.
102
Oh, and for the fifth time today I was told my Internet Problem was Solved. It isn't. 22 days and counting.
103
Thank you, Mr.Ven. I think I'd like to be DP, but I don't know how to get that gig and I don't think Emily Yoffe is ready to give it up anytime soon.

I frequently have undiagnosable and therefore untreatable or unfixable problems with my body, my car, my computer, or something else. Every time I get told that the problem doesn't exist or is now resolved and when I show that it still exists I get this response: "huh."
And then that's it. That's as far as the expert will go. Just "huh." Drives me crazy. I feel you.
104
@100, my gay friends (men) who have an almost-teenage daughter certainly read the same parenting books I do, and need to help her figure out sex and her body the same way any parents do. So I hope (and believe) it's no longer true that gay adults aren't allowed to research books about teenage sexuality. Maybe some other poster has a good book to suggest.

105
@EricaP: But the bottom line is that women who love to be spanked are easy to find.

I adore this pun, even more so if it wasn't intentional.

I suspect you're right - they've been sitting right there under my nose the whole time.