he wears that particular belt all the time, even though you've asked him not to. What's going on here?

The belt is part of his mojo. Could be that it reminds him of his virility, or maybe there's something about it that women respond to. Either way, good luck getting the guy to stop wearing it.

great advice to POPs

My 15-year-old boy recently bragged to me he was into stuff that would astonish me (he knows I keep myself educated about sex and kinks). He was the one astonished when I guessed bondage. I distinctly remember him enthusiastically tying up his younger siblings...



He hasn't done it for some years now. I checked that he understood that tying up his siblings would be totally inappropriate as it was a sexual activity for him - he totally agreed. He seems pretty knowledgeable about where to tie and where never to tie. Apparently he knows how to google stuff.



I'm so very glad for my house maintenance that he's not into shit.

@marmer "the "don't talk to your kids about masturbation" taboo"

Having two boys of very different ages, and a girl in between, has made it very easy to talk about sex stuff during the meals. The youngest always asks for explanations about everything he hears, or wants to know what exactly the others and I are laughing or exchanging meaningful glares about.

So I get to do quite a lot of sexual education : describing male and female genitals, talking about their normal use (anything goes as long as it's on oneself and in private, or between consenting adults) and abnormal use (in public, without consent, on children) ; making the case for not judging others' private use of their genitals, for love being a lot more than baby making, and for PiV being the reproductive babymaking sex but by far not the only kind of sex (though I don't give other examples of sex to the youngest, and only mention oral sex when asked by the eldests). Both youngest ones ask questions, contribute with their own observations (ever heard an 8-year-old matter-of-factly mention his morning wood when one explains what "erection" means ?) and the eldest mostly listens and nods knowledgeably.

Everytime the youngest boy comes home from school with a "gay joke", I get to repeat the "is it normal to be gay ?" lesson ; everytime he mentions he so wants to be a girl, we go to the "if you still want to be a girl later on then medecine will help you become one, but then you won't be able to switch back, so it's something that the people who've done it have given very serious consideration to, beforehand" lesson...

There are respectful, non-intrusive and child-adapted ways to talk about all topics, I've found. Being ready to answer whatever is asked is much better than planning to give a lecture. And there's no need to go into what would seem too gross details to youngsters either. For anatomy, drawing helps.

@sissoucat: I think you sound like an excellent mom, and I like the way you handle all the sex stuff with your kids.

I have two daughters, but we have had similar conversations and have talked about virtually everything at one time or another. Much of the conversations are kid-driven, in that they raise an issue or have a question or make a statement that I think needs discussing, and I respond. Although I must say that many of the topics came up long before I thought they would and I have several times been caught off guard by their introduction.

It is all so vastly different from they way I was raised and my kids are so comfortable seemingly to think of their sexualities as just one more aspect of themselves and their lives and to be open around me that I can't help but think this is the far better way to be.

Excellent advice all 3. I'd add a basic butt safety talk to the list of LW1's responsibilities. And for LW2, the kind of insecurity that peaks when a) you realize you'll always stare at a symbol of nonmonogamy when you look toward your love's crotch and it's turning you off and b) your bf says he'll immediately honor your sexual desire but does not, is not such a bad thing. It's reasonable for a) to be a libido killer, and for b) to be a trust killer. Neither is wanting to wear a fetish symbol wrong, it seems to be a libido killer for him to give up the belt. Bottom line, Bf shouldn't have promised to change his behavior if he couldn't, he seems to be an extreme guess culture guy or unhealthily conflict avoidant. And LW doesn't sound happy or able to negotiate a compromise. Not dtmfa but pretty incompatible.

Also for the second letter, she'd have to handle the belt or think about touching it every time she thought of taking off his pants too. Yuck. And how the heck does she know that he spanks his sides with this belt? She shouldn't know that.

Sissoucat, wow. My boys are horrified if I mention anything about sexuality. My daughter, not so much. Wonder if it's a cultural difference?
Of course I have spoken with all of them about the ethics of ones sexual life. And they sometimes bring to me emotional problems that might be going down with their partners.
Any discussion re the mechanics, a no go zone.

@113 how did you get "your bf says he'll immediately honor your sexual desire" from the letter? I don't see anything about what he agreed to do.

I think it would be hideously embarrassing to give a sex toy to your teenager, or to get one from your parent. I bet the kid DOESN'T KNOW about ass plugs. Buy a decent book and leave it somewhere he will find it. Then don't snoop when he gets stuff mail order.

Oh, and make sure he has a debit card, or credit card, so he CAN buy stuff on-line.

@113 "he wears that particular belt all the time, even though you've asked him not to"
From the confusion in the letter, I assumed she had asked clearly, he said ok, but he still wears it, and she's confused about how to handle the double talk.

But maybe he was clear that he needed the belt as a turn on too, as clear as she was that it turned her off. Then he did nothing destructive, but the incompatible desires or incompatible insecurities remain.

@nocutename 112



Actually I make a sorry mothering job on other fronts - but it seems I have this one in check, thanks to reading Dan and his posters.



When growing up, sex was not a subject I would be told about, just like you - which is a shame, because I might have understood a lot earlier that I had an abnormal and incestuous father, instead of wondering long past 18 exactly what had grounded my extreme gut feeling at 12 to stay the hell away from him (and whether it hadn't been only in my head) which provoked my parents' divorce.



For this very reason, I started the sex ed very early with the kids, so that they would know that any other than themselves, including their own parents, touching their "swimsuit areas" or exposing theirs to them was an assault on them, and was to be reported to the police, but exploring their own area by themselves was totally normal.



Having read Dan for years actually helped knowing what to say, and being prepared to never let a sex kid question fade without answer :-)



I'm sure we're just two of a vast group of parents who raise our kids to be sex positive, so that they'll enjoy themselves - and won't be sexually preyed upon without their knowledge.

@LavaGirl 115

Aren't your boys older ? There's an age after which one can't talk about the mechanics with one's offsprings. And it's very well ; I don't want to hear about what they'll do with their friends when they have one. Currently none of them does. I think when it happens, parents should limit themselves to the safety talk, give a lump sum for condom buying - and show a place where emergency condoms can be found in the common areas.

Mine are 8 and 15, and I've always answered sex questions in front of all three kids. Including the period stuff, so that it wouldn't feel gross either to my daughter or to my boys, were they to happen to be hetero.

I distinctly remember having to hide that I had my first periods because there was a brother in the house and he was not to know of my dirtiness : that was women stuff, he was not to stumble upon my unused pads, and I felt like the whore of the aisle when having to choose and buy them. Hopefully my daughter won't be handicapped by such intense shame.

Sissoucat (@120-121):
I love you!

If only parents who object to sex ed being taught at school from a young age would only understand that it will provide the greatest benefit by teaching children to be aware of predators. I know of so many people whose lack of knowledge made them perfect targets for lavish praise leading to sexual abuse.

To me, the worst thing about either not teaching children or indoctrinating them into abstinence only is how girls especially end up feeling like used chewing gum, with absolutely no redeeming value. Ugh.

Ms Cute - I have the trifecta - three days running now of nothing happening but my getting a phone message that the problem is fixed when nothing has changed on my end. I don't know how much longer people think I shall tolerate this, but it definitely feels like a game on their part at this point, that they'll keep doing the same thing until I explode.



Ms Erica - I suppose things will change as people accept same-sex parenting, although gender matters - timing out, can't elaborate, alas.

I started the affair August 2013. I don't know why. I loved my husband. I still love him. I finally broke down and told him in December 2013. He left our home the second I told him, moved out of state and hasn't spoken to me since. He filed for divorce and it was final June 2013. I'm still seeing the man I had the affair with. I'm not really happy being with him but it's better than being alone. Every single day I think of my husband and wish we were still together. He was a good husband, good to me, loved me. In the beginning I would send him emails begging his forgiveness and asking him to give me another chance. He asked me not to contact him any more because it is too painful for him. Sometimes I think I stay in this unsatisfying relationship just to punish myself. I feel that I deserve to feel the pain and loneliness and unhappiness. I know what I did was wrong, stupid, ignorant; that there's no turning back from it and that I should learn the lesson and rebuild my life. so i contact a great spell caster called dr obom to help me get my man back, really my husband is with me now, thanks to homeofsolutions1@gmail.com for you great help. any out there looking for help or way to get his or her lover back should contact dr obom on homeofsolutions1@gmail.com

I wonder if the toothbrush was the vibrating electric kind.
Sex talks with one's children - my 7 y.o. currently thinks that even garden variety kissing is completely gross, and the idea of being in bed with someone with your clothes off gives her the heebie-jeebies. Yet she goes through phases of fascination with the books we have on the subject of how babies are made, and has me re-read and explain them multiple times. I'll be content if this stage lasts a while longer...

Ah Hunter. Of course, where was the Mother in all this?
I think POPS used the royal "We"( or at least implied it).

Today I reminded myself of Sense and Sensibility when Elinor expected the picnic to Whitwell to be cold and frightening, but the event was still worse, for it never actually took place.

I expected to hear another telephone message saying that my computer ought to be connecting again, and had planned a number of different reactions for when it turned out not to be the case, only, to my amazement, I never heard a word from anyone - and today is the 27th day I have been out. I'm starting to lose count.

Everybody: If you haven't already, get out and VOTE! This midterm election is critical for everyone, and especially the future of Washington State.



Those in the 42nd District need to elect Seth Fleetwood for Washington State Senate, Satpal Sidhu and Joy Monjure for House of Representatives positions.

Be so glad when this weeks questions are done.
Means I'll never have to look at Joe's
Depiction of a misused toothbrush ever again.

As of today, I am now four weeks behind on the podcast. If I am ever back on at home, can anyone of benevolent intent advise whether there are any starting with 14 October I should skip out of consideration for my blood pressure?

@131 LavaGirl: Agreed! I second that!

@ Helenka thanks :-)



@ vennominon I'd love to help you, but I can't listen to the podcast ever (old computer, you know how it is). I wish your computer problems are soon over ; I miss reading your long posts.



@ Still Thinking Yes, my 8-year-old thinks kissing is gross too.



Actually I discuss the body/equipments with the kids, and never the sex acts themselves - other than blanket statements, such as that whatever feels good is allowed on oneself.



I don't want them to think about Mom and what she said, during actual sex ; and culture gives enough opportunities of kissing/sex scenes without me having to tell them what is done and in which position.

Gee, it seems peculiar that nobody, among this overflowing cache of healthy sexual practices, this wide and vast expanse sexual wisdom which people are always so thankful to hear, yet nobody seems to get that maybe, just maybe beginning steps of sexual education should be about self-sex (ie masturbation) and that maybe it not bad to become very familiar with sex with yourself first, prevents the experimentation of sex with partners that often is the root of emotional scarring that does affect children, that it isn't necessarily a good idea to grow thick skin for



as it often leads to fairly incompetent knowledge of emotionally healthy sexual habits, which persist much too long through adulthood, as is evident when people attempt to move on to non-monogamy prematurely (sort of like the pattern of prematurely moving from self-sex to monogamous sex with a partner)



and these are not lines which when crossed you can never go back, but rather the damage is done by repeatedly engaging in level of sexual activity that is way beyond your maturity level in regards to how sex can be linked to intimacy,



it's better to let your mature understanding of sexual intimacy outgrow your experience engaging in sex acts, so that sex can be casually enjoyed in emotionally healthy ways if that's what you want to also include in your sex life



then maybe more people would understand why, non-monogamy practiced with partners whom are antagonistic -- without at least admitting their an asshole -- is so destructive to relationships



fools wouldn't be arguing about whether or not her boyfriend killing the relationship by prematurely wearing his belt, they'd understand that if the dumb fucker isn't willing to forgo his wearing his belt for a few more months it's deciding right now that the relationship will definitely end in a few months (typically right at the point the dumb mother fucker would have been able to flaunt his belt)



but people who sleep walk and call that "living" won't ever be able to understand that the unconscious decision the dumb fucker made three months ago, is the cause of the irreparable damage that will not be a solvable problem even if they both sincerely desire to "work it out"



I don't know, maybe if you focused on finding actual solutions as opposed to the top blogger game you play with advice that would have the potential to drastically reduce the miserableness in countless relationships, if it weren't for you being assholes



But then it would be fairly clear to you that what sloggers justify doing to people electronically, is a very fucked up thing to do, to anybody



you don't reduce visits to the ER, you cause them, but your too stupid to realize it



yep, still definitely deserve the standard cattle salute of Fuck You

Slog commenters have short memories. Don't flush tampons in Seattle.