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Same goes to all the rest. No more investment in useless relationships. Learn your lesson and move-TF-on.
by plane, or what?
@ 105 Hunter - discussion and consensus also work in some situations. It's possible to use a variety of approaches in the context of a particular relationship!
You never had a girlfriend say, "No, you took me out last time, it's my turn to treat you tonight"? Really? Or a partner who said "You cleaned the bathroom last time, I'll do it this time"?
Again, like Crinoline said, there are no score cards; perhaps the partner who has a higher income takes more turns paying for dinner, while the partner who is a better cook takes more turns cooking. It just seems to me that in a relationship where the two people are equals, and like each other, they'll want to reciprocate.
@106: Or maybe she went on the Pill as a gesture to show GETOUT that she was willing to take steps towards making their relationship sexual, which proved to be an empty gesture.
@112: Your question is from a very American perspective. In many countries, an hour is a long distance, particularly if there are no direct trains. As is often said, "In Europe, 100 miles is a long way, and in America, 100 years is a long time."
I do have a couple of questions on which your (and other) perspective(s) would be of value. How much if at all would you subscribe to the theory that men should pay the vast majority of, if not all, dating expences as compensation for the greater outlay in time and finances required of women if both partners are presenting in equally date-worthy condition?
My other question concerns the backlash against the recent wave of dress code complaints. I've been hearing a fair amount lately about girls' complaints that they aren't allowed to wear tops (or sometimes bottoms) deemed too revealing and anti-feminists' shooting back with stories of boys attending non-air-conditioned schools being sent home if their trousers didn't reach their ankles. The point of contention appears to be schools where girls are allowed but not required to wear skirts, but nobody can wear shorts (in some cases, additionally, only girls could wear sandals). Speaking as someone who has never had to wear lighter clothing in summer or heavier clothing in winter, I just wonder if people who are less impervious to temperature would classify boys' being forbidden shorts when girls can wear skirts a legitimate or serious complaint.
Ah Hunter, never change. Oh wait, you won't.
In case you're not: Please re-read the original post. You can see it's not about "resolving differences"; it's about BEING NICE to each other. This isn't about "I like watersports, it's a dealbreaker for you, so we have to take it in turns." No. It's about, "I want to do something nice for my partner, because they did something nice for me last time." I WANT. It's VOLUNTARY. If I come back and say "Remember that nice thing I did for you? You owe me," then I've completely missed the point, because that's not being NICE, it's being manipulative.
I prefer to have relationships with other people who are mature, and nice, and not manipulative. So do a lot of other people. Perhaps you prefer an adversarial relationship model? Love is, as they say, a battlefield.
I don't think even he knows when he's being sincere or trolling anymore. But he is consistent.
@121: It's a shame Andrew Sullivan's blog shut down a few months ago. I wonder where he is today.
When you look back on this period of your life many years from now, I hope you see learning German as a plus in amidst all those minuses, that you see it as something smart you were able to do while being naive otherwise.
I've read over what I wrote in 32 and can't for the life of me see how it got so misinterpreted. The idea behind "take turns" was never that one person does something for the other and then whines that the other didn't follow the rules. The idea was never that doing for the other came either from a sense of pure love or from initiating a cycle of obligation (with the former being "better" and the latter not okay). The idea was that after making a few unrequited overtures, you stop. During the period of waiting for a return overture, you reevaluate. You stop after one nice dinner date or one night of good sex and don't continue on to moving a continent away. As Eud so eloquently put it, this guy comes pre-ditched.
Now let me elaborate on something I said originally. It has to do with an easy pitfall for when you find a better boyfriend.
In one scenario, a man asks a woman out and takes her for an expensive dinner. They have a great time. The next morning, there are roses on her desk at work. When she calls to thank him, he asks her out for the following night. She had plans to see her parents then so he calls her while she's driving to their house. Before the time with her folks is over, he texts a few times. He's disappointed that she has a regular aerobics class, then realizes that he can work out at her gym so they can go for coffee after. He can't wait for their next date and gets concert tickets. He does all this because he just likes her so much.
In the 2nd scenario, they go out and sleep together. She likes him a lot and texts him the next day. She calls, and calls back when the reception goes out on the connection. She doesn't understand that he can't see her all the time. She reveals deep emotional secrets to him. He doesn't reciprocate. They continue to sleep together whenever they're together. She learns a language and takes a job on another continent so she can be near him.
I'm a relatively traditional straight female so my sympathies tend to be with the woman in the second scenario rather than the man in the first, but you've got to realize that THEY'RE EQUALLY CREEPY. The society paints the man as a predatory stalker and the woman as a pathetic stupid loser, but think about it: they're the same.
It will be easy to think that if you meet a guy who showers you with attention and gifts that you've won the jackpot, but if he doesn't leave you time to take a breath and show equal interest in return, think: creepy. This may sound like I'm against all whirlwind romance. I'm not. It's just that both parties have to be spinning around together at the same speed.
As for Hunter's misinterpretations of what I've said, I won't even try.
"She also disapproves of my family and friends, my interest in science, my distrust of religion, and my use of antidepressants."
So, not only does the fiancée hate sex, but she also dislikes everything about him? What do they do -- sit at opposite ends of the couch silently doing homework?
I have lots of platonic friends with whom I don't do anything sexual. I do not have platonic friends with whom I don't enjoy anything, ever. Even setting aside the issues of manipulating the other person with suicide threats, refusing to go to counseling, etc. etc. etc., they have nothing in common and don't appear ever to have had a happy moment, much less a good day.
This person may have "numerous positive qualities", but the relationship has none. Not. One.
I never thought I'd say this, but way to go, Supremes!
Exactly. That she's a human being with likely worth as such is not evidence that the relationship has any worth, warmth or future. Not that it had much of a past or present either, from the sound of it.
POTUS is the President of the United States. I believe the acronym originated with the Secret Service.
FLOTUS is the First Lady of the United State.
Damn, this is still a relatively benign thread; I'm coming back next week, when a transman who cheated multiple times on his SO and keeps announcing it during first dates has an involuntary orgasm in his pants and is wondering if he can charge his date with rape.
"Re: the reciprocity topic, anyone got any ideas for my particular situation? I have a boyfriend who refuses to recognize reciprocity as a necessary component of a relationship, except he calls it "trade forcing", which is a concept he says he created. [...] his model is: someone you hang out and have sex with; and when this person does something with an implicit understanding that reciprocation is appropriate, then acts surprised that the normal pattern of social relations is subverted, they are being manipulative and trying to unfairly obligate you to do something you didn't agree on beforehand, and thus you should refuse."
I have an idea.
My idea is that your boyfriend is a selfish asshole.
In fact, since his idea of a relationship is hanging out and having sex, he may not even be your actual boyfriend; he may be a friend with benefits (not that there's anything wrong with that).
From your own description, he not only refuses to acknowledge the very concept of fairness in a relationship; he is shocked, shocked and dismayed, when you (or possibly anyone) points out to him that normal social interaction does not allow him to take ALL the time and NEVER give, and pretends that this is somehow "subverting the normal patterns" (or has a remarkably poor grasp of said patterns, at best). He has gone so far as to invent a "new concept" to justify his point that nothing whatsoever should be expected of him.
And as if all that weren't bad enough, he tries to guilt trip you by whining about how "manipulative" and "unfair" you are by "trade forcing" him -- i.e., expecting him to do anything -- as though guilt tripping were not itself manipulation. At this point, I'm picturing a three-year-old whining, "Quit making me do stuff! I don' WANNA!"
tl;dr: He's a lazy, selfish turd -- who has you completely bamboozled. If this even *is* a relationship, you're in it by yourself.
I was told you were tied to the end of it. I had assumed the lack of movement was its being hung up on a rock or something between here and Oz, and that I'd be seeing you soon. Dammit, are you all convicts over there?!
Actually dragging an anchor chain, tied to the end of the rope. Part of dragon boat training, had a race the other week, changed avatars for that. Back to Byron, now, though! As to the angle, I believe girl who took it was checking out my pants.
Did Clarence Thomas ever say a word on the bench, let alone write an opinion?
It seems like he just sits there while trying to gauge what Scalia's position is on a given issue, then votes with him no matter what.
Yes, Ginsberg, Kagan, and Sotomayor may also be somewhat predictable, but they do tell us why they are voting one way or the other.
Thanks CatB. Now I can rest easy. I just couldn't work out wtf had gone down with you.
He gives the impression of a guy who, if this mean ol' world and its commenters became too much and he decided to kill himself, would do it by leaping from atop his suicide note.
Plus I'm in Charleston, with all that hoo-hah, been scrapping re the Confederate flag with people on Facebook.
Hey Lava, 'Like' Body Architects!
But then I survived many a New England summer wearing long pants so I never thought having to wear them was punishment.
Lavagirl is it true that in Australia you have to call all spiders 'Sir' and ask them permission to leave the house?
I don't ask nobody permission to leave my house.
Right CatB. Living in the South, we all praying for you to keep safe. Especially now. Do not wear your rainbow tshirt for a couple of days.
' Like 'body architects? That some sort of code?
Didn't feel especially at risk today, except maybe from the balls-hot heat. Sad, but heard a lot more gunshots living on Capitol Hill thru the 90's. When the alert first went out, I had teammates messaging me "There's a gunman on the loose!" If you've seen his picture, 98 pounds, soaking wet, holding a brick, pretty sure he didn't go through Ranger School. Whole thing just fucking sad. The librarian who was killed, can't say I knew her, but exchanged a million bits of small talk with her since I got here in '02.
Many of my FB pals, ones with white skin and Southern accents, were calling for him to be shot on sight before he was apprehended, BTW.
I'm even on it. Jesus man. I'm hip.
So is that you? The body architect's guy?
One of my sons deleted me as his friend from FB cause I called him on his swearing. Excuse me; I'm still good to cook him meals when he's over but can't question his words?
FB is so boring though. Maybe I need to up my friends.
And there are groups who use and pervert old or silly rules to try and prove how 'oppressed' they are. I can tell you how many folks I've seen using the 'women and children' rule as proof that women are oppressing them.
The years have gone by, and I've softened on just about everything. I find it hard to hate people anymore. Every time I try, I scratch the surface and see mentally ill people in pain rather than irredeemable jerks. That doesn't mean I think I should let them get away with asshole behavior ... but I digress. Back to tbm's friend.
From the way tbm describes it, her friend has been upfront from the start. Tbm gave him gifts, and he accepted. Tbm said she wanted something in return, and he said no. Tbm continued to give him gifts (and by gifts, I mean attention, emotional disclosure, sacrifices so they could be together, sex,), and he accepted. Tbm turned up the heat and told him more plainly what she wanted in return. He said no. Tbm continued to hope he would get the idea that reciprocation was called for. He argued in plain language: No.
Tbm has tried example and argument. Her friend has done the same. He's shown by example that he doesn't mean to return anything either monetarily or emotionally or in taking care of her or making sacrifices for her. He's argued with her when she's told him that he owes her. Now she's gone to this comments section in the hopes that WE'LL tell him that he owes and if doesn't start giving back in kind he's an asshole. Meanwhile, he's lying back and wondering what he was supposed to do.
I suppose he could have said more plainly "No, don't learn German, and don't move to Germany in order to be near me," but tbm seems to have wanted to do that. She seems to have been hell bent on doing it. (And honestly, it seems like she was getting something cool out of the experience anyway. Work experience, a whole language, a chance to live abroad.) I suppose he could have stopped having sex with her, but I'm going to go out on a sarcastic limb here and suggest that tbm was getting something out of that too. I don't exactly like this guy, and I can't say I have fond feelings for the guy in my life from all those years ago he reminds me of, but I can no longer think of him as an asshole either.
Having been born and raised in New Jersey, with no concept of how big other states are, I still think two hours is a long drive. The people in every other state I've lived in think that's hilarious.
I, too, have less than fond feelings for the guy in my life like that -- the fact that I still sometimes refer to him as The Boy Who Would Not Do Anything gives you some idea.
That having been said... Yes, of course takers and martyrs tend to find each other, and if everybody's happy, then I'm happy.
What marked the guy as an asshole in my book was his manipulation and guilt-tripping, to the point where he had to invent the concept of "trade forcing" to demonize the kind of reciprocity that most people have accepted as a given in human interactions somewhere around age 3.
Whether there was some of what the lawyers might call "contributory negligence" on the part of the letter writer, manipulating someone by calling *them* manipulative is not only meta-manipulation, it's gaslighting.
Obvious to me, as soon as we start to" love" someone, all the old patterns from our childhoods just get activated.
Otherwise, staying in what to others are so blatantly abusive/ dysfunctional/ non loving relationships, just doesn't make any sense.
150-Lava-- Naturally old patterns from childhood get activated when we fall in love. This time we're hoping for a better outcome. We want something that's just like the old (abusive/dysfunctional) relationship except this time we'll get it right and will get the sort of non-abusive/ non-dysfunctional supportive loving relationship we were hoping for (and deserved) all along.
Self-delusion is a very human trait. We want what we want, and sometimes it appears that creating a new reality is easier than creating the reality that we need.
Gun control- I don’t know. That’s been a third-rail issue in the US for such a long time, but then again, so were gay rights...The shooter had a felony conviction, was thus unable to purchase a firearm, so his father bought one for him. I predict said father and co. will soon be moving out of state.
Anyway, pretty much impossible to prevent something like that happening. I’d be happy if AK-47 and AR-15 knockoffs were made illegal tomorrow, but a shotgun loaded with double-ought is still a hell of a mean weapon. You can buy a Mossberg autoloader at a pawnshop down the block for a couple hundred bucks... As noted in Bowling for Columbine, there’s something in the American culture that makes these events happen. And last night, watching The Yakuza (very young Sam Neill, in screaming plaid pants), i was reminded that when a Japanese person loses it, they close the window and commit suicide, where a crazy America opens the window and shoots everyone in sight.
“Obvious to me, as soon as we start to" love" someone, all the old patterns from our childhoods just get activated.”
Agreed- it also includes the messages we get from our parents as well as their behavioral patterns and how they come across to us. And mind you, our parents bring their own parents and their shticks into the mix.
“Maybe now that gay marriage rights have been won, changing the gun culture could be one of the next big issues to be focused on.”
Unfortunately no way as for some reason it is so deeply rooted in American culture. Even proposals for gun ownership screenings aren’t passing. And with all those guns all over the place there’s no way anyone would be willing to give them up.
I agree, it’s really crazy.
In other news: Australian women soccer/football team is playing later today in the world cup quarterfinal against Japan. It’s a tough one; Japan is the reigning champion, though I wish you the best nevertheless.
You know what I'll do if Australia doesn't win?
Blame it on Canada.
Nerve racking! Cmon Aussie, cmon.
I can't believe America can't change its attitudes to guns. Look, look what happened yesterday.
We didn't have a strong gun culture, after the massacre in Tasmania though, where many people were killed, guns were taken off the streets.
There are shootings here. Guns are much harder to come by, however. I dont believe that the U.S., after so so much madness, can't look into themselves and say wtf are we doing? This change yesterday, it'll take a while for the implications to filter thru, will bring a big shift in people's minds.
Obama has brought a good heart to his job, and it's filtered thru.
They are our colours.
Otherwise, no idea. Whatever. We are done. Thanks Canada.
 tell her that the only way you'll remain in the relationship (even short term) is if she will actively engage in couples counseling (book a good non-church-affiliated therapist stat, and possibly use this as an opportunity to build an exit strategy).
 then if she refuses counseling, tell her you are breaking up.
 then if she makes a suicidal comment, you will know that she would literally rather kill herself than work on your relationship (epiphany).
 if you actually fear for her safety, call 911 and/or have her brought to a hospital with psychiatric facilities. once she learns that her choices have consequences, she might be more thoughtful about her demands and threats.
 good luck and I hope you can find happiness! life is too short to be married to misery.
"Obama has brought a good heart to his job, and it's filtered thru. "
Some times too good. He should have been more aggressive in pursuing his policies when he first got elected and also had the house majority . In any case, although some times naive did some good things and is ertainly much better than any republican alternative.
Hunter, I'd have thought you would have jumped all over it with mirthlessly
sarcastic, vituperative glee. Eye-rolling must apparently satisfy you these days.
Whew! Two last musical shows this weekend, and then it's a wrap at the local theater.
I have been giving one of my two C flutes and piccolo a workout these last two months!
Sunny days and nights---time to cruise out again with my beloved VW. Did anyone catch sight of the crescent moon (now waxing) in a triangle with Venus and Jupiter? We are supposed to have two full moons (also what is known as a "blue moon") next month. July 4th weekend is supposed to be a scorcher, though. Everyone keep cool!
No, it goes to your intelligence.
East Germany didn't vanish when the wall came down. It's still there, with a culture and economy that hasn't quite been swallowed up by the west, much like American south is still alive and kicking 150 years after the civil war.
As in , perfect. It is cold for swimming, unless a water heroine/ hero or you got a wet suit, otherwise it is bliss.
As to your second question, I believe that if girls can wear skirts when it’s hot, boys can wear skirts when it’s hot.
The sooner the world is rid of gendered things, the better.
Now, if I'm the kind of person for whom gifts or at least acknowledging of birthdays is a big deal, I can either try to point out to you that this is important to me and ask you to try harder for my sake (your "negotiate their differences and seek consensus"), and if you won't, accept that we may just be incompatible. Or, perhaps you're not a big birthday person but you're taking your turn to do nice things for me in all sorts of other ways -- maybe you've helped me fix up my house, or maybe you treat for meals at nicer restaurants than I can afford, or surprise me with gifts just because -- so the turn-taking isn't equal, but it's equivalent, when you add up the value of how much it means to that person. You may have forgotten my birthday for two years running but you saved me a fortune by giving up your weekends to redo my bathroom -- something I'm never going to repay in kind, because I'm crap at DIY.
Do these examples ring any bells regarding the reality of "taking turns as a serious relationship mode"?
Thanks for your thoughtful, “outside the box” ideas as well as the link.
Since it’s got pretty hot in here I'm likely to wear a light gauze skirt (red) to the pride parade later today.
While the super majority did not last for long there was a solid, filibuster proof number for some time.
During his first two years in office Obama was very cordial and tried to accommodate republican ideas and input, and some saw it as hesitance. This assumable kindness lies within the “pink box,” as expressed in the link @172, and was also viewed as a “feminine weakness."
At least the republicans interpreted it as such and did their best to sabotage anything coming out of the white house ever since. They managed to convince the public that “real men” are “decisive” and that being a total asshole is nothing more than “focus on your main goal.”
Some of it backfires and explodes in their face like this annoying health care challenge or a government shut down.
Luckily times are changing- demography, attitudes, pink/blue lines blurring. The skirt is really comfortable.
@176, BiDanFan: Exactly! & what I was trying to express @119, but you did better. Words are at best an approximation of reality, and what matters is the underlying reality.
Continuing the line of being curious, do you think the elimination of the pink and blue boxes will have the effect (whether intended or side) of eradicating monosexuality?
"do you think the elimination of the pink and blue boxes will have the effect (whether intended or side) of eradicating monosexuality?"
While not directing at me, my answer would be not necessarily "eradicate" as there are lots of traits that pass on to us by whatever (genes, culture, expectations from parents, etc.). Just allow each child and person to define their own interest and style and accept them as who they are without ridiculing or worse.
#186 Lava, where’s my Like?
Fan. Geez. Everything up for burning? I know you like your girls and boys on the same page, and of course our shared humanity
Is like, shared.. I just want the difference that is male and female Not to be totally blurred. That would be down right boring.
My bad, he did write a dissent in the marriage equality case... but apparently keeping his mouth and keyboard shut could prove the better choice
@168 CMDwannabe: There is a tremendous lot of us out there, that's for sure.
@171 LavaGirl: Sounds wonderful--neither too hot nor too cold, but just right.
Watch out for those deadly little red spiders---eek! We have brown recluses
@190: No, what's boring is dressing a certain way and acting a certain way because that's what people of your gender are expected to do. Just because, say, fixing up cars is no longer considered a "masculine" thing doesn't mean no one will fix up cars in my gender-free utopian future. It just means no woman who wants to fix cars will be considered weird.
@195: What happened was what we used to call "carriage returns." :)
And then run away, and then swim away, and not stop until I hit the North Pole. Ain't ashamed to admit it: if my choices are between polar bears and spiders the size of polar bears, at least polar bears are cute.
My erotic life has changed, therefore allocating nos, like one is sort of fixed, I disagree with.
I'm not talking about the superficial differences/ clothes etc. or what job each person is capable of doing. I thought we were way past looking at our behaviours like that.
Cis men are not cis women and cis women are not cis men. The danger comes in trying to see them as the same.
Lava - Cis men are not cis women and cis women are not cis men. The danger comes in trying to see them as the same.
Yes, cis men and cis women and intersex people are different chromosomally, this is inescapable. This fact is not really that important except for sex and reproduction, as individual differences generally influence behavior/skill/character much more. Men and women are also treated differently in society, because of stereotypes (gender roles). This is why trans people can wish to be treated as a different gender; because the genders are treated differently. This latter difference is also what I believe BDF was referring to abolishing. I dislike when people speak of their gendered stereotypes also. But it happens a lot on this forum. Some people are awfully fond of announcing their opinions of how men and women are different, but I see no use for this beyond attempting to influence people to fit into pleasing gender roles. I see more danger in lists of how men and women are different, as they will never be completely accurate, there are always tons of exceptions to stereotypes, and some stereotypes have little basis in reality (hi: women are sexy and men are not).
I was in a relationship for over 2 years, ended it in a dramatic fashion and now my ex is trying to reconcile. I won't go into the whole dynamic of it but just suffice to say it was tumultuous, filled with amazing highs, ridiculous lows, occasional physicality, and the best sex ever.
So when we first started dating I was kind of an ass and did the thing where I kept up contact with some exes. Some local, some far away. I had a few inappropriate conversations, but nothing crazy and never with any of of the local ones. At a bout 6 months we moved in together and she discovered these on my computer, by looking at my Facebook that I had left logged in. She was devastated and I felt like shit. So much so that I capitulated and gave her all my passwords. I did genuine lt love her and regretted those actions. At this point I was committed enough to this relationship that I stopped these conversations, cut contact with the inappropriate ones and never looked back. From that moment on, she was it. Period.
Fast forward a year and a half, we are engaged now. I asked, she accepted, wedding plans are under way. Things are tumultuous, as always, but my dedication remains. I am an honest person, but I overreacted to the jealousy and now find myself keeping even the most mundane contact with my ex (who I share a child with and NEVER have anything inappropriate with) from her. She has shown a lack of tolerance and always gets upset if I even mention her. Since we co-parent it is kind of necessary that I talk to her. During this time, at some point we had a disagreement, likely about some conversation with my ex, that I didn't share or she didn't approve of. This not unusual for us, and sadly just part oif reality. I don't know exactly when this happened, but she was out with friends one night, had a few drinks and called up her ex (the one immediately before me, who is and was married) and asks him to come out. They meet, somehow a kiss happens, and that is where it ends. She comes home and I am none the wiser.
Fast forward a again, I have left her. I got fed up with being isolated, with her drinking, with her jealousy and checking up on me. I am ashamed of who I have become and the fact that I became a deceiver just to survive. Though I had nothing to hide. Almost a year has gone by since I left. We talk occasionally and I still can never get her out of my mind. She wants to reconcile. At some point during our split she has confessed to the evening of kissing, she has attempted suicide and during a time in the split when neither of us had dated anyone else yet, I mentioned interest in someone else and she immediately went out and had sex and then told me about it the next day.
So while talking about a possible reconciliation we discussed the past hurts. Our biggest contention is that I own up to my failures, but she justifies what she did by saying it wasn't any worse than what I did talking to those exes way back when. I say what she did was worse, because we were engaged and it was in person. I am expected to forgive and excuse, yet I am not sure I will get the same. Thoughts???
In the meantime. It seems like you are unhappy with friction between the people you have close relationships with (ex, baby mom, and child). And it seems like your ex is unhappy that you value(d) attention from other women. Both seem like normal if unfortunate parts of life to me. If you noticed a lack of reciprocity and left, that is good. But it seems like you and your ex were very into each other and willing to reciprocate but communicating very badly. If this has seemed accurate, my advice would be to learn about negotiating, search your feelings for what you need to be happy in a relationship, then reduce your other demands upon your ex to the simple "what do you need to be happy with me, while giving me what I need". And attempt to understand what she needs without agreeing to things you don't really believe because you want some peace and quiet right now. This stuck out to me - " I became a deceiver just to survive." Unless your ex was threatening your life, this reflects an addiction to an idea, not care for a person. If she was threatening your life, perhaps a counselor or hotline will help you to walk away from this person and develop more self worth. Anyone/thing that threatens your life is an enemy, not a friend.
In my case, I can think about him--even pine for him--all I want and there is no possibility of rekindling a relationship, since he is the one who wanted to end it, whereas I was perfectly happy in it and didn't want to see it end, so my situation is different than yours. But I guess I wanted to say that just because it's been "nearly a year" since you've broken up with someone with whom you were involved for over two years and to whom you were engaged and you're still thinking of her daily, it doesn't mean you need to consider getting back together or that you have unfinished business or you haven't achieved "closure," or you have an unhealthy obsession. It means that the relationship meant something to you, you are mourning the loss of what you had and what you thought you had and what you hoped to have for the long haul. It means you haven't found a compelling enough distraction yet. It means you are human.
If you want to get back together, then sure, get back together (though it sounds like there were too many problems for this to ever be a harmonious and even-keeled contented relationship to me; it sounds like it will always be tempestuous and dramatic, which you might find gets old and tiresome). But don't think that just because you are still thinking about her daily almost a year after a break-up has any Big, Deep Meanning, because it doesn't necessarily.
From this outsider's perspective, you seem to have difficulty disagreeing with your partner's opinions or not sharing their preferences while showing that you care about their feelings at the same time (agreeing to disagree). And difficulty identifying/communicating your needs (I need my partner to accept X calls and X visits weekly/monthly with my baby mom and child. I need to hear her favorable opinions of this practice weekly. I need my partner to accept that I watch porn and flirt with women. In return, I'm willing to not flirt with common acquaintances and exes, and hide my porn, and listen to whatever else she may need in order to accommodate my needs. I need her to go down on me. To make it worth her while, I'll go down on her or whatever service she likes of similar effort. etc) Your gut is telling you that she is being manipulative, and from what I know I agree that she's running from the guilt of hurting you/unfair, but you are still getting caught up in the "who's worse" competition -- I think you may need to trust your gut more. Listen to your feelings, what makes you happy as a person, and if you are truly happy trying to work things out with your ex, don't listen to people who tell you she's shit. If you know in your gut that she'll never change and you'll never change to be happy with what she does (and please don't change to be a doormat and happy with ill treatment), then cut your losses and be happy that you learned how to stand up for what you need.
You do sound wildly attracted to each other. That's a powerful motivator, you need to be able to get on the same page about where this rocket fuel is driving you in order to avoid exploding in place. If you truly see no happy future with her, you can only take your time and space and let her fade from your heart so it can find rocket fuel with someone else. Cutting off all communication helps immensely, I would call that the first step.
Ack, novel length, bring back the 'more' button.
And any future partners should understand absolutely that your relationship with your child will take precedence over them, and that communication with that particular ex is a necessity. If they are threatened by that in any way, then they are not the partner for you.
What my beef is, is trying to somehow turn all of us into this blob of sameness. I have reared boys and one girl, and I didn't " make" any of them do anything, in terms of defined gender roles, yet, there is a big difference in their energies.