Savage Love

Crosswords

Comments

1
Sorry, Jill. I know you've got a domain name you're trying to promote and all, but Stephen Colbert already coined a term for lady balls: "Thatchers." I'm sticking with that one.
2
"Have I discovered a new kink?"

You really think this is new?
3

Clitzpah- Sorry to ruin the party, maybe not.
First, it seems to me that Chuzpah in the US, “a Yiddish term for courage bordering on arrogance “ per Ms. Becker, is leaning much more towards obnoxious arrogance outside the US.

I also find the necessity to mention clit, or any other female body parts for that matter, as somewhat odd.
I never liked the term “he’s got big balls,” and I don’t use testicles while describing a courageous woman nor an arrogant one.
4
In other news:

Last week Hunter managed to unite Nocute and Lava.

This week
1- Not an expert, but can bf be tempted into using again? Hope I’m wrong.

2- A real expert, one of those people that some of you have referred to awhile ago as “Dan and the experts,” is telling us that although this is not the case here sex addiction is likely to be a real thing. Or at least a language.
Is the pope sending us a hint?

5
In what way is LW2 using sex-addiction language?
6
@ 2 - The LW obviously just wanted to brag, and he's young enough to actually believe he knows everything and to think that we'll be impressed.
7
If somebody decided to fill in my crossword puzzle (even online) with something other than the answers, I would not find that particularly "funny and sweet." I'd be like "Bro, I was working on that crossword puzzle. Now I have to delete all the nonsense you entered."
8
Also, LW1, that's not a particularly nice way to treat your boyfriend of three years. He's been sleeping 15 hours a day, cancelling on plans, off his normal anti-depressants. You write that off as "being blue." It's obviously more severe than that - that is abnormal behavior, indicative of somebody in the middle of a pretty serious bout with depression. He's clearly struggling, anybody could see that, let alone somebody who's supposed to love him. And after your weird solution of "I will write a cute message in the middle of his crossword puzzle!" you snoop, see something you don't like, and instead of talking to him, trying to be supportive of your long term partner, instead you immediately jump to blame and disgust. Perhaps not entirely surprising he's withdrawing from you.
9
@4 - Yes, you can be addicted to basically anything, and to varying degrees. If your behavior is interfering with your life and your ability to function normally, or putting your life to unnecessary risk, you may have an addiction. If you're on your phone so much that you say maybe three words to your kids per day and barely pay attention to them anymore, that could be an addiction too (a common one), though people are much less likely to take it seriously unless something spectacularly bad happens, which it usually doesn't.

And there is a recovery center near a house where I used to live. They had AAA meetings, drug addiction meetings, they also had a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting group and probably other things too. The meeting times were all posted on the door.
10
LW 1 - You really need to listen to this: http://www.radiolab.org/story/addiction/
11
@1: IHSN.. Thatchers? That is seriously offensive. Coined by a man who obviously doesn't like strong women.
12
clitzpah - yes please. Thatchers - no thanks. And I have a humor hard-on for Stephen Colbert.
13
SNAFU: Am I the only one who was worried your boyfriend may be suicidal?
As for the meth, Dan is correct that anyone who sleeps 15 hours a day isn't on it. People on meth don't sleep at all. Maybe he is thinking about getting some meth as a way to be more awake without whatever side effects his anti-depressants were having. Either way, Dan's right, he needs help pronto.

DDD: Yeah, you're just a slut. I suspect very few of the five women you used and threw away feel "awesome, turned on, and wonderful." I also suspect that if your primary knew the full extent of your sluttiness, she'd have you put a condom back on.

IHSN @1: Sorry, but I don't want any part of my body, literal or figurative, to be named after that horrible woman.
14

Simple. And even better than 'clitzpah': All you have to say to replace "he/she's got balls" is

"he/she's got CLIT"

.

15
LW1; I agree with dithmer@8, your response is way self referential and not very caring. Your bf sleeping 15 hours a day is a huge red flag.
Going off anti- depressants cold turkey is very unwise. If one goes off them it needs to be done very slowly. He needs some help. He needs some loving.
16
@13 Maybe he is thinking about getting some meth as a way to be more awake without whatever side effects his anti-depressants were having

That was my first thought - he's not ON meth; he's wondering if he should try it & if it would help his depression. (Probably not!)
17
Thank you for the clitzpah post, Dan! I'm hoping to develop the site and to use it for female sexual empowerment with a sex-positive attitude! ~Jill Becker
18
Dude, you know Dr Ley? His sister is a wonderful person. Anyway, I thought Ley's thing was writing things and giving lectures that have hints of sex negativity. Last I checked, he would've destroyed the LW and told him to get treated for sex addiction. What changed?
19
As a lifelong abstainer from recreational drugs, I defer to the numerous quantity of experts among the assembled company. I don't think I'd have reacted during my pre-retirement period in such a way with one eye on the exit, but these two could be like that; sad.

LW2 confused me, as he seemed headed in the direction of being invested in an illicit angle to his conquests and then veered off. Bad luck for him not actually having come up with anything new. It's rather like Josephine Tey's The Daughter of Time. The protagonists think they are about to rewrite accepted history, but discover that it's already been done.

L3 reminds me a little of Miss Austen's maxim of neither(/no) sex having cornered the market on taste (whether good or otherwise), though I suspect it's a bit TERFy to fly far. I suppose Ms Velvet is to be credited for trying to address that. Still, I'd really think the preferable answer would be to get rid of the other gratuitous reference to genitalia.
20
"Go to your boyfriend, tell him what you discovered and how you discovered it, and demand an explanation while offering to help."

Demand an explanation? Bad idea. DON'T DO THAT.

Let's look at the evidence SNAFU actually has:
- BF depressed, off his meds, and generally seems to be in a bad way
- The internet search history, for which many possible explanations exist, only one of which is "BF has a current or past meth addiction problem."

SNAFU's BF clearly needs help. How is it going to help if SNAFU confronts him and says, "I snooped on your computer, and I'm leaping to some conclusions based on your internet search history. Please explain why you were searching for (x, y, and z)." Personally, I would be royally pissed off and alienated if a partner did this. It would be annoyingly patronizing, an invasion of boundaries, and a violation of my autonomy and privacy. Unless I'm searching for kiddie porn or something else illegal and unethical, I don't have to justify my search history to anyone, fuck you very much.

Even if the BF has a current or past meth problem, I think this is the wrong approach.

The kind, caring, and almost certainly more effective thing to do would be to start by talking to the BF about the very serious depressive episode he's currently experiencing. Maybe with that established, he can find a non-confrontational way to express his concerns about his snooping discoveries. The depression is the salient problem here; the search history is a detail that may or may not mean anything.
21
@16 That sounds like a pretty reasonable hypothesis
22
Sea @21: Thank you :P
23
Sea @20: I agree with everything you've said, with the pedantic caveat that meth is, indeed, illegal, and many would argue unethical.
24
@23 True, and I knew as soon as I hit "post" that someone would probably bring that up. But reading information about meth isn't in itself illegal or unethical. Looking at child porn is unethical, and also possibly illegal (depending on where you live, I think).
25
dithmer @8: Nicely put.
BiDanFan @13 para 1: Nope.

Someone is “blue” for max two weeks. After that they are clinically depressed.

Reasoning with a depressed person is difficult because when you’re depressed you are hopeless. Any suggestion will be met with “there’s no point” or “it won’t work.”

First off, is your boyfriend suicidal? Ask. There are tactful ways to probe. “You don’t seem to be enjoying life much.” “With all you’re telling me, it sounds like life might not seem worth living.” “Do you think about dying?”

If he is — I’m guessing he is — you want to get a feel for how urgent it is. “Have you thought about how you would do it?” “Do you have a plan?" If he has a plan, does he have access to the resources to carry it out? If Motive, Method & Means are Check, Check & Check then you have an emergency. You are very worried about him and you want to go with him to the ER. If he doesn’t want to go, make an alternative plan with him. You’ll go to the doctor with him or you’ll go to his therapist with him, but then he needs to be able to commit to staying alive until the appointment.

Depression is not fun for him or for you. Not having fun is a problem. Life should be pleasurable, at least some of the time.

Why did he go off meds? Were they not working well enough? Then he needs to go back and try different ones. NOT METH!
26
It seems pretty clear that the lw's boyfriend isn't on meth, but is desperately trying to find a cure for his depression and is wondering if meth might not work to reverse it. It won't, of course.
I find the far more troubling aspect of the letter SNAFU's callous, self-involved response to his boyfriend's obvious pain ("[he] has been acting strange—not taking his antidepression meds, says he's feeling weird. He has withdrawn from me, sleeps 15 hours a day, and has been canceling on commitments to socialize with friends. That I am fine with—he's blue and I get it." [bolded emphasis added]). Really? His boyfriend is exhibiting signs of being in a major depression and he's "fine" with that?

SNAFU says he doesn't think his boyfriend has ever been high around him, but of course, he assumes that the guy is somehow a hidden meth addict ("but I don't want to date an addict. I don't want to be with someone who would take such a dumb risk. And for what? Dude! You're 48, you have a career, a business, and a guy who cares for you! WTF?!? ")

SNAFU should educate himself a bit more about meth and about addiction (and an interesting place to start is here), and about depression, and instead of thinking of how to get away from the addict he thinks his boyfriend is, think about how to help him. This includes getting him to a psychiatrist who can help him find better antidepression medication, and a therapist who can help him through either talk therapy or cognitive behavioral therapy (generally referred to as CBL, but that acronym has a pretty different meaning here in SavageLoveland!)
None of the symptoms the bf is showing is indicative of meth use and none is indicative of mental health.
27
The Wild Sow @16 made the same observation I was going to make. LW1’s Blue Beau is probably contemplating self-medication.

Dan’s advice was consistent with the current narrative on the drug: that it is more poisonous than plutonium. No doubt he’s seen the trail of destruction it has left in his community, and has decided to react to any mention of its use with stern condemnation. Dan’s answer is of course the responsible one. But it also seems to lack empathy for the depressed boyfriend, who may be seeking a springboard out of the hole he’s stuck in—the jolt of energy and self-confidence he so desperately needs. Anyone sleeping 15 hours a day, and doing crossword puzzels in the remaining time, surely needs some motivation.

The LW’s boyfriend may have tried anti-depressants such as SSRIs with this goal in mind, but found they only left him with a destroyed libido and no positive change in mood. This may be why he stopped taking them (frankly, it’s why I stopped taking them).

Someone who’s tried meth a handful of times back in ancient history—who wasn’t cursed with an addictive personality, and so, was able to easily avoid the scourges of the drug—and who also lives in a lifelong depressive state, can report feelings of elation, of confidence, of manic brilliance, of ease in their own skin, of perfection while under the influence of that drug. Anyone who has tried cocaine knows what I’m talking about. These feelings might be just what the boyfriend is seeking. It’s pretty nasty living in a hole you can’t climb out of.

Naturally, Dan would never advise anyone to self-medicate with methamphetamine. Nor would I. But I can certainly understand that one suffering deep depression—and especially someone who had tried meth in the past without any addictive effects—might toy with the thought. If only for the brief burst of energy and alertness he is so lacking. With this understanding, I would advise the LW to urge his boyfriend to ask his doctor whether some other form of anti-depressant could be more effective. It’s a roll of the dice, and you sometimes have to try several different types of SSRI before you find the one that clicks.
28
Why do women have to have a special word for "guts?"
Why not use "guts?"
Or if we want to stay away from body parts altogether, I propose we resurrect "moxie."
That girl's got moxie!
29
I clicked over here just to write what 16 already did. Too late.

$10 says he's not on meth, he's just looking into using it as an antidepressant. Which, oddly, seems like a good sign, to me.

@DDD: "Is there a name for people like me? "

Yes!

"Normal."
30
I'm not often shocked by anything I read on Savage Love, but SNAFU's letter did it for me. His boyfriend of 3 years is acting strange, is off his anti-depressant meds, withdrawn, sleeping too much, canceling social commitments, and this guy is considering breaking up with him because he's been googling about meth? Ever heard of compassion? Or commitment? Or just being a kind human being? I understand that being in a relationship with a depressed person or even an addicted person takes a special sort of devotion, but wanting to walk out because you think there might be a problem- make that a different problem than the one you're aware of-- I'm flabbergasted.

I don't know why Boyfriend was googling meth, but it doesn't take much imagination to think of benign explanations from meeting someone who was into it or thinking it might work for his depression to having an idea for a novel. What I can't fathom is SNAFU connecting dots in that particular way. Unless ... Maybe SNAFU just wants to leave because the going has gotten tough? I do understand considering leaving when the relationship has gotten to the point where the depression is so bad that it's harming everyone and the person staying isn't helping the main sufferer. But maybe consider making a phone call first? Doing something to help? Not just "I don't want to date an addict" so I'm outta here.
31
If SNAFU's boyfriend is "sleeping 15 hours a day" most days then, yeah, that's not consistent with meth use. But if what he meant was that he frequently sleeps 15 hours at a stretch, then it's not farfetched at all. That stuff can keep you up for days at a time, but after a certain point you crash, and crash hard.

He doesn't say whether or not they live together, but I'm guessing they don't. It's pretty hard to conceal meth use from someone you live with, but probably not that difficult to keep it from those you don't.

To get a definitive answer to whether or not his BF is using meth, all SNAFU needs is access to his hairbrush and the address of a drug testing lab. If the test comes back positive, he doesn't have to tell him how he found out.
32
@23 drugs are often illegal, but I don't share you opinion that they're unethical, nor do I think that drug use is automatically immoral. DUI is unequivocally immoral, smoking in an enclosed space with kids is arguably immoral. But in general drug use is not automatically immoral.

@31 I agree. That's the first thing I thought of. I'm intimately acquainted with an addict who I have witnessed under the influence a wide variety of drugs, from heroin to meth and many things legal, quasi-legal and illegal, in between. If the guy is sleeping 15 hours every day is obviously not using meth. But if you don't see him every day but when you do see him he sleeps 15 hours he could very well be bendering on meth. Now, the letter sounded like they live together, and I read it as sleeping *every* day for 15 hours. That sounds a lot more like depression, and the searches for meth sound a lot more like someone grasping at straws to "jump start" his motivation. But for clinically depressed people, the comedown from any sort of amphetamine high is usually even worse than the baseline depression. For an addict, they strive for that high and the low is "worth it" to them as the price of admission, but watching it happen as a loved one from outside the addicts brain is torturous as I've experienced learning the hard way and am currently trying to figure out how to navigate through (or from).

SNAFU should start from the assumption his boyfriend isn't actively using but needs to get back into treatment for depression. Now is not the time for judgement of any kind, only gentle support and daily encouragement to re-enter treatment for depression. That the guy is 48 is really irrelevant. Expecting strong people to be strong all the time is a false assumption. If you love your boyfriend, gently encourage him to re-enter treatment. You don't have to stay forever if he won't get treatment, but be prepared to spend weeks, maybe a couple months, trying to lead him back into treatment.
33
@31 P.S. Hair testing isn't as accurate as the testing services would like you to believe. They're not completely inaccurate, but shouldn't be considered definitive.
34
beansprout @ 9
I never doubted there’s such thing as sex addiction, in fact I'm a proud graduate of the program. Yet when I mentioned it here in the past and offered some LW’s to join, few people here told me sex addiction isn’t real because “Dan and the experts” said there’s no such thing. Hence the papal hint.

BDF @ 13
“I don't want any part of my body, literal or figurative, to be named after that horrible woman.”
Thanks for bringing it up. People have a very selective memory, some even regard Reagan as a “true American hero.”

Jill Becker @ 17
Your idea of developing a site dedicated to “female sexual empowerment with a sex-positive attitude” is understandable. What I don’t understand is why you have to take a sexist, annoying term and make sure that despite the twisting the new version is still annoying and sexist.
I may be missing something, please explain.

35
My boyfriend is clinically depressed but I'm FINE standing around with my thumb up my butt watching him piss away his life. But, addicts are real bad people. I mean, meth addicts are real bad people. I mean, meth addicts who are actively using are real bad people. I mean, meth addicts who are actively using and don't share are real bad people.. um..

SNAFU - I think your priorities are messed up. You either care for (action verb not feeling) your boyfriend's health and happiness, or you are a bad boyfriend. You may have lots of oxytocin and dopamine nice feelings about him, but I see no evidence of actual, physical, cooperative partnership/help/care. Yeah, you can assume he's a meth addict and dump him, that's perfectly legal and well within your rights and maybe best for everyone. But you're not going to do better than regular sex with an emotionally unavailable partner until you can build caring habits. For example, providing incentive for your partner to take his meds and seek therapy when needed and preserve his social network.

DDD - Well, people who want to try a new dish everyday would be called foodies. So, maybe you're a sexie? Poly kinda fits, if you're open to loving others as well.. but other poly people will probably tell you you're doing it wrong, many seem to be really argumentative about who is allowed to identify as poly. Slut works too if you have enough clitzpah.
36
Hey Dan, I know you edit these letters sometimes. Did SNAFU say his boyfriend slept for 15 hours a day every day or once in a while. Seems to make a huge difference.
37
P.S. Stop trying to make clitzpah happen. It's not going to happen.
38
LW1 - Yeah, those symptoms absolutely don't sound like someone on meth. They sound like someone exactly as you've described: someone with clinical depression who isn't taken his meds. Now, MAYBE he was considering self-medicating with meth. More likely, he's either a former addict, or maybe he recently learned that someone from his past has become addicted and he was researching to learn more about it.

I'm personally more partial to clitzpah than to Thatchers. But since I don't really say that bold guys have big balls, I'm probably not likely to use the term. I tend to use words like "gutsy."
41
Dear CMD @34,

Thank you for your thoughtful comments both here and via email. I appreciate you reaching out and requesting an explantation.

I am sorry that you find the mentioning of female body parts to be “somewhat odd.” It might be interesting to note that because of the shame associated with discussing female body parts and female sexuality, young women have few trusted adult women with whom they feel comfortable discussing their own bodies and their own sexuality. Instead they have to ask advice from friends who know little more than do they. In a recent article entitled, Bonds, binds and binaries: Women, girls, silence, sexual desire and intergenerational transmission published in Psychoanalysis, Culture & Society (2015) the author, N. Gordon, refers to this as, “a form of mutual dissociation called the dissociative bond” (p. 303). Part of the impetus for clitzpah was to remove the shame and stigma associated with women’s bodies.

I am happy to share other references if that seems helpful. In the meantime, I hope this post is useful.

42
@nocutename: I propose we resurrect "moxie."

I didn't realize "moxie" was dead. Or that "chutzpah" needed a clit for that matter.

This thread has me realizing that I prefer natural, organic language over politically processed contrivances such as "clitzpah". It just tastes more like real food, even if the flavors are sometimes a little tart.
43
I'm no longer a teen, but someone using the word "clitzpah" would have been removed immediately from the list of trusted adult women with whom I felt comfortable discussing bodies and sexuality. That word says "showing off how cool I am, and looking forward to a Facebook post in which I relay your secrets to all my followers as a self-congratulatory anecdote!"

You're physician moms--just use anatomical terms and let the kids you are trying to guide make up the slang.
44
@41, Jill. I like it. Have to head out the door so won't start giving my reasons why now. Just wanted to give you my thumbs up.
45
@seandr: "This thread has me realizing that I prefer natural, organic language over politically processed contrivances such as "clitzpah". It just tastes more like real food, even if the flavors are sometimes a little tart." Yeah "Clitzpah" and its like are too contrived, too self-consciously affirming and cute.
It's too strained to adopt stuff like this.
I think "gutsy" is so fetch.
46
@45 I see what you did there.
47
@41: So you really think that coming up with the silly, forced "clitzpah" as a way to say a woman has guts or is bold is going to somehow make young women decide to talk about their sex lives with older, more well-informed women, rather than with people their own age because now the "stigma" they have felt about having female body parts has been removed?

48
@43: Exactly, milkshake. Plus, despite my never having used the word "clitzpah," my teenage daughter still inexplicably discusses her female body and her sexuality with me.

@46: Sea Otter, you set me up so well back @ 37, I couldn't resist.
49
Why, Dan, why would you waste space on the ridiculous humblebrag that is letter #2?
Dude it's called pussyhound, player, womanizer, pimp, manwhore, stud, etc, etc., ad naseum and it is not in any way new or unique. Just as the answer implies, it's kinda lame and old (James Bond Syndrome, LOL.)
50
@49: Maybe because this way we could all read a phrase like "drinking deep from the bowels of the internet," and then Dan's subsequent riffs on it?

The better question is why give screen space to letter #3, but maybe Dan was looking forward to reading what amounts to written eye rolls.
51
Jill @ 41
I thought our discussion will only hijack the thread and didn’t want to impose it on unsuspecting bystanders. But since more are chiming in how about keeping it civilized in the public domain?
So first, body parts: The association of genitalia when it comes to describing a strong woman or man is often demeaning. I don’t like “big balls” any more than “he’s a dick” nor “she’s a cunt.” In case the need arises I may resort to using a gender-neutral term such as “asshole.”

And now to the boring linguistic stuff that many may opt to skip: The word “Chuztpah” has long been adopted into modern Hebrew and is now used both as a noun and an adjective. Either way they are far more often associated with rectumy behavior rather than the Maccabees or Moshe Dayan.
Not even Sarah, Abraham’s wife who had sex with two angels in order to conceive after reaching menopause.
Her son’s name, Yitzhak (Isaac), means “he will laugh” in reference to her laughing when the two first notified her she will have a son after all. They screwed after the laughing part. Apparently the biblical word often used for “fucking” sound like a cross between modern Hebrew “laugh” and “play.” The way it should be…

52
I agree that words which are made-up for political purposes (even if I agree with those purposes) are irritating. And personally I have no problem using gendered terminology for the other gender. "She's got balls" seems fine to me. It conveys what it's meant to convey.

I'm sure people will now explain why this is bad. I'm even likely to agree; but I doubt I'll agree enough for it to outweigh the artificiality of the offered alternatives, at least for me.

53
CMD; not being Jewish, I have no preconceived response to Chuztpah. I've heard it, along with other Jewish words that have entered common usage, I've just never used it or known what it meant. Gentile, I know that word.
Saying a cis woman has balls seems wrong to me, it sort of disregards strength in a cis woman that has nothing to do with having balls. Co opts female strength in a way.
Clitzpah; the clit in some cultures is cut off, to deny cis women hightened sexual pleasure, using clit in a word to describe cis female strength is putting the focus on that part of our bodies.. a hidden part, unlike balls.. which to me is about not just my sexual pleasure but a well spring of energy and body heat.
I find it an empowering word. Not sure I'd have a chance to use it that often, I'll see.
54
@50: That must be it. Dan does seem to fall in love with his writing sometimes, even when the content proves dubious.
The clitzpah neologism IS cringe-worthy but I'm surprised so many more people are jumping on her than on the low I.Q. braggart.
55
ciods @52 (also seandr @42 and nocutename@45):

"I agree that words which are made-up for political purposes (even if I agree with those purposes) are irritating"

Not fans of "santorum" then? Or is that different?
56
Somehow I don't think "clitzpah" or "big cojones" are going to disappear from the lexicon just because some commenters choose to raise a stink about them. They'll each survive in circles where people who take pride in their gender.

It is sad that dick and twat and the negative connotation explicit words seem to be more popular.
57
Gaspar @27: "The Wild Sow @16 made the same observation I was going to make."
Eud @29: "I clicked over here just to write what 16 already did."
Functional @40: "I'm with @16,"

SIGH

Aquavit @32: "@23 drugs are often illegal, but I don't share you opinion that they're unethical"

Neither do I. It must be "Don't Read BiDanFan's Posts Week."

Chi @49: Agree with NoCute @50 -- the language in that letter was just screaming out for mockery.

I quite like saying "she's being a dick," "suck my dick" or "she's got balls." To me, it's using gendered language in a way that subverts gender differences.
58
So I read the follow up and then came over here to see the meth discussion.

I've never taken meth, but I am on one of the legal version - lisdexamfetamine - during the week, it keeps me at 5-6 hours sleep (normal sleep pattern is 7.5). I come off on the weekend for many reasons, one of which includes the desire to catch up on my sleep. Usually Saturday night to Sunday I will sleep 10 hours and I've gone as long as 12.

So I could see sleeping 15 hours an indication of depression (if he's off his meds) or the crash after the meth wears off.
59
The linguistic discussion here kills me. Give me a break. Where do you think all our lovely words like fuck (originally related to the old english word for plow) or gerrymander come from (political cartoon that likened the new district to a salamander shape, calling it gerrymander after the hapless elected official).

Some wag made it up and someone else picked it up and carried it on. Thus Santorum, etc.
60
In general, I prefer non-gendered language to talk about qualities that any of us can have, such as assertiveness or boldness or courage. Or cowardice, meanness, un-generosity. I like precision in language, for one thing, and for another, almost all the gendered expressions seem to me to praise certain qualities or traits for being "male," while denigrating other traits or qualities for being essentially "female." " Man up." "Don't be a pussy." "He's got/ She's got/ that takes balls." "Grow a pair." Calling someone a "dick," while an insult, is nowhere near as strong a condemnation as calling someone a "cunt," at least in the United States (I understand that "cunt" has a different connotation in other English-speaking parts of the world, and can be said in polite company, sometimes, depending on how casual the group is). I can call something someone did a "dick move" and it will be seen as criticism, yes, but not necessarily as the highest of insults. Calling a woman a cunt is generally treated as the very worst invective and is used very sparingly.

So we can subvert gender by saying a woman "has balls," or "she's a dick," or a woman can tell someone to "suck my dick" (not sure whether that differs from a woman telling someone to "eat me") or just say "suck it." We also can try to even up the gendered language by introducing new locutions such as "ovary up," or neologisms such as "clitzpah" (notably both these are meant to celebrate, not denigrate, the female). Or we can simply not use gendered language to connote either good or bad qualities: She's got guts. He's gutsy. She's got moxie. Don't be a coward. Get some guts. Get some courage. Deal with it. She's a jerk / He's a twit / idiot / creep. Or, as CMDwannabe points out, since we all have one, it's totally gender-neutral (though it didn't use to be directed at women) to call someone an "asshole." Maybe calling women assholes is the best sign of achieving parity there is.
61
Sometimes words spring up in a more organic way. Sometimes they're a reaction to something or someone that hits a nerve, like santorum. There is just what I feel is an over-studied agenda behind "clitzpah," with some pretty lofty goals. Sea Otter and I joked about it being like "fetch," but in some ways it really is like fetch.
62
I often use "person up."
64
RE: DDD. Maybe he's just a guy who can't get a second date with a woman.
65
Holmes @64: Given that he's engaging in entirely typical behaviour... for a 23-year-old, "midlife crisis" also sprang to mind.
66
@1 I Hate Screen Names: Agreed with @11 LavaGirl and @12 Still Thinking.
Yes on clitzpah and no to Thatchers.
@28 nocutename: I like moxie, too. Agreed with seandr--I never knew moxie was dead, either.
@17 & @41 Jill Becker: Thank you for joining us!
67
@Lost Margarita: Not fans of "santorum" then? Or is that different?

I am a fan of "santorum", and an even bigger fan of "pegging".

I think the differences are:
a) they are for things that didn't previously have a name
b) they're funny
c) they don't try to guilt trip you into using them
68
@67 seandr: Wow--that's one thing we have in common. Ever since Dan's "Define Rick Santorum" contest in 2003, the winning term for santorum has long been a favorite of mine, too.

69
I couldn't resist.
70
@67: Agree totally. Also, the difference between "chutzpah" and "balls" or "guts" is in the degree of arrogance or can-you-believe-it-ness in the former. It's closer to "nerve" than it is to "guts" or "courage," but it's very, very rarely used in a positive way. It almost always signals disapproval, as in, "can you believe the nerve of that guy?" The classic Leo Rosten definition of chutzpah is the man who murders his father and mother and then throws himself at the mercy of the court because he's an orphan.
71
This is what happens when Dan gives us two out of three letters that are really just comments. Why Dan? for weeks it's been either questions without teeth, or reruns.
72
I’ve been trying to post this since 8 am to no avail. Conspiracy theories aside, this is what I had to say back then:
Margo @ 55
Santorum- A word named after a person who was in the midst of a politicized orientation storm, someone who made terribly offensive, ignorant and hateful remarks.
His last name as a yet-unnamed occurrence happened after a competition was announced and the public chimed in and voted on the different options.

Clitzpah- a word made out of two others, a fairly clumsy combination with at least one of them possibly being a bad choice, and proposed as a replacement for an already existing term(s).

Another thing that bothers me here is that “Santorum” was entirely political, promoted as a public “cause,” and no one I know of tried to make money out of it.
A short research reveals that “clitzpah” has already been copyrighted by Ms. Becker and is ready to be printed on all kinds of merchandise.
Not necessarily bad, but I wonder if approaching SL was just a part in a business plan that will now enable the inventor/investor to claim “Dan Savage Approved.”

73
Congratulations on hitting the magic number, Griz!
74
I can see some marketing opportunities there, CMD.
A line of pregnancy clothes named;
Blame in on the Clitz.
or; wearing knickers with Clitz on the front and Pah on the back.
75
Blame It.. It.
76
Lava- I think your clitz-pah approach will also work nice with shoes.
I still hope Jill Becker comes back and give us her position. In the meantime it seems like Nocute and myself are pretty much aligned.
77
Nocute's definition @70 rang many bells re my ex. He was often heard to say, after Id apologized for some small slight he was up in arms about, that sorry wasn't good enough.
78
I was referring to her line @ 61
" There is just what I feel is an over-studied agenda behind "clitzpah," with some pretty lofty goals."
79
LW 1. Consider this. Your boyfriend doesn't like his meds. Common side effects like lethargy, deadened moods (not just depression, but all moods), weight gain, and low libido and and inability to orgasm, are just not ok with him. He quits. He now feels even worse. He desperately wants to be functional member of society, be a horny scoundrel at home, and just feel good for once. Hey! Methamphetamine might be the answer. Yes, it's dangerous in large amounts, and over the long term. Yes it's very addictive. And quality control, dosage, and contamination are huge issues. But its similar to lots of legal drugs like adderall... and armed with the proper knowledge, he might be able to find the right dose, for cheap, and be that happy, functional, horny fun guy that he wants to be. Hence the Internet search.

Your boyfriend might know more a out what he needs than the Dr who prescribed whatever antidepressant he was taking. Do you have enough money to take your boyfriend to an adhd clinic and get him some high quality prescription meth (like) drugs?
81
I've thought of another knickers' one, CMD.
On the front;
In for a Penny.
and on the back;
In for a Pound.
It's an English saying.not usually displayed on a woman's nether regions. But hey, this thread is Boring!
82
Get it? Spend a penny.
Women used to/ still do? say that when they wanted to have a piss.
Ok. Ok.
83
@4 Dr. Ley's books is called "The Myth of Sex Addiction," so I don't really think he's endorsing the concept. Instead I read his remarks to mean he considered the LW to have a healthy view of his own sexuality despite his use of sex addiction language.
84
@82. Another way of saying it is;
Might as well be killed for a sheep;
As a Lamb.
Putting this one on knickers, you'd put the first line on the arse.
We are talking about Clitzpah here.
I'm just exercising mine.
85
There is an issue/ constellation arising from LW1. Another post about this ques on the daily thread brought it up also, and said a light needs to go into this dark corner.
Be better if a gay man had picked up on that poster's words, but their code of silence forbids it.
Predatory men in the gay community. Men, like our sweet boy here, LW1.. Caring about his fucking career, while his lover is disintegrating in front of his eyes.
86
Ladies and men
If now and when
and yet again
where passion sits-----
Puttin' on the Clitz!

....and no, I haven't touched a drop of alcohol today.....yet.

@73 BiDan Fan: Thanks (ha ha). I wonder what'll happen when I reach warp 70.
87
jaycatt77 @ 83
Thanks, looks like I missed it. It is still possible that LW2 did indeed attend SAA meetings and the experience may have helped him “accept himself and his desires,” hence the lingo detected by the expert.
As opposed to AA where a behavior is clearly defined, SAA is not there to stop all sexual activities. And regardless whether this is the case with LW2, some may learn to embrace what used to be a life long “compulsive, shameful, secretive behavior.”

But maybe I just see too much into everything this week. So for everyone’s sake I’m taking the day off tomorrow.
Shabbat Shalom to all
88
@70 is spot-on. The English equivalent of chutzpah is "audacity." Since law is a profession popular among the Jewish, Yiddish had cross-pollinated with legalese. We would refer to moves such as the "Hail Satan pass," "affluenza," or "trans panic" as "chutzpah defenses."
89
Lava @81: I welcome panty ideas as a way to liven up the thread.

One of our British shops drew some unwanted attention for selling women's underwear with "Amaze" printed on the front. Because "Amaze" is an abbreviation of the slang, "Amazeballs."

I didn't think "spending a penny" was restricted to women. It refers to public toilets that you have to pay to use. I suppose women were more likely to pay and men were more likely to piss in an alley. Both of those practices are still in use over here. "In for a pound" printed on the arse might send the wrong message... or the right one.

How about "Mutton dressed as lamb / Wolf in sheep's clothing"?

Then there are these "Period panties", which employ a clever pun: http://www.bustle.com/articles/100308-fi…

Enjoy your day off, CMD!
90
The Elephant in the room for the U.S.,
GB, Australia, others.. Is the Refugees.
Every night on the news I see more of them arriving in Greece which if we all remember, is fucking broke.
Here, our Australian Government just promised many billions of dollars towards defense.
Hello? Indonesia or China could just walk in. Why bother?
And all these millions of people, fleeing wars OUR countries started. Let loose the mad demons, then just throw up our arms.
That's why Donald Trump serves a purpose. For the extreme right and others. No way could Obama own up to America's responsibilities to the Refugees, with that mongrel Trump barking his foul words.
GB seems to be in a panic about something. Pretending it's not Europe or something.
Our PM is under sustained underground attack from the right wing, fueled by that snake in the grass, Abbott.
He's bobbing around like a mad man.
So I guess it's up to us, the civilian population. Time to tell our Leaders to open our doors and our hearts to these people.
91
Here's something I didn't know when I woke this morning. I don't know whether or not it qualifies for Ms Becker's new word, but the Clinton surrogacy program of arranging substitute speakers for campaign events is being coordinated by none other than, of all people, Michelle Kwan.

I'm almost surprised there aren't Republicans calling Mr Obama "Tara" (Lipinski), as 2008 does seem to fit the Nagano model pretty well. It gets a bit trickier trying to compare this cycle to Salt Lake City, especially now that Mr Bush has done far too poorly to be comparable to Irina Slutskaya.
92
@DDD "But last week, I had sex five times in five days with five different women.

...Dear Penthouse...
96
DonnyK @92: Oh come now, that's not impossible, all you need is Tinder and absolutely no standards whatsoever.
97
Thank you auntie grizelda @66 for the nice welcome. Thank you, also, Lavagirl, for the support! Frankly, I LOVE puttin' on the clitz!

CMD @76, in answer to your posts and your thoughts...The merchandise came before I reached out to Dan and to SL. In fact, the word, itself, came about as kind of a kibbitz. I posted the one t-shirt I had made on a Facebook board to which I belong. The female doctors there LOVED the idea and one of them suggested I get in touch with Dan. Once I realized the possibilities for outreach and support of women I decided to go for it. I have no malicious intent. If the merchandise happens to sell, great! I would love the opportunity to create an actual facility for female empowerment. I realize I have lofty goals but hey, why not? They're my goals!

Ideally I would like to create a place where women can be safe from domestic violence, if necessary, and where they can receive reproductive health care, medical care and psychologic support in a sex-positive manner. I would also love to offer opportunities for education, if desired.

I would really love to have the support of the folks here. Many of you have great thoughts and Ideas and, honestly, I can't do it alone! Is anyone interested in guest-blogging?

Is this a lot? Yup. But, hey, I've got clitzpah!
98
@89: OK, in a clear sign that I've been spending far too much time on these boards, I misread the last pair of underwear on the link I posted above as "Cucky pants," and wondered what on earth that might mean.
*headdesk*
99
Guest Blogger, Jill? And say what.. It's just a word. A catchy one.. which may or may not catch on.
You could have a
Chicks with Clitz... Coluum. Thanks but no thanks.
100
NP, LavaGirl @99. I've been approached by a number of bloggers who are interested in putting their content on clitzpah.com so I thought I'd offer it here just in case.

Who knows? Chicks with Clitz just might be the next big thing!
101
@65: Mid life crisis? 36 is mid life?

DDD's emphasis on quantity over quality goes beyond a rejection of monogamy. He's missing out on the benefits of having ongoing (even if only recreational) relations with a group of fuck buddies. Who learn each other's kinks, preferences, turn-ons, etc. And it's easier to get laid more frequently within a group of regular companions than it is to continuously have to recruit new one-nighters.
102
@101: Perfectly said, Holmes; thank you!
103
I could maybe see "clitzpah" as a synonym for female sexual audacity.

As in: "Ilana from Broad City has a lot of clitzpah."
104
re: @86: Oh, no! Does this mean I'll get 86'd this week now, too?
105

24 hours are over.

Correspondence with Ms. Becker regarding her c-h initiative is now conducted privately much to everyone’s delight.

In other news:
BDF @ 89
Wow!!!
Those Elizabeth I panties, a hard on as the tip is recrowning the crown…

Holmes @ 101
Unfortunately I agree. The behavioral pattern you describe is indeed irrational.
In similar instances when there's a tangible substance involved we often call it “addiction.”

106
Holmes @101 / CMD @105: I couldn't agree more on quality vs quantity as well. It was a lesson I had learned well before age 36. However, random sex is better than no sex, if it's all you can get. Doesn't sound like that's DDD's situation though. ("Midlife" was a bit of a neg, see what I did there. An attempt to deflate his braggadocio a bit.)
107
This issue can be seen as a question about whether it's abusive (if self destructive behavior counts) to invite a monkey onto one's back without knowing how hard it will be to get it to leave. If you don't want to find out what you've put at risk should you need the monkey to let go, then abstinence is the answer.