In the weeks since the release of my newest movie, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, I have been disturbed by the many Facebook messages I'm receiving asking why I am so "v" Batman. This makes no sense, people keep saying. He is a fellow superhero. Why is it necessary for me to be "v" him? Actually, I have several reasons why I'm "v" Batman.
Reason one: Friends don't backstab friends. Every Tuesday, I have lunch with Martian Manhunter. We go to Chipotle. Batman knows this, and yet every Tuesday morning he calls up Martian Manhunter with one emergency or another. Like "Oh! Gorilla Grodd is destroying Gotham's art museum" or "Oh! I'm taking the Batmobile into the shop, can you give me a ride home?" BATMAN HAS AT LEAST FOUR OTHER METHODS OF TRANSPORTATION AND A BUTLER. He doesn't need Martian Manhunter's help. He's just doing this because he KNOWS that Martian Manhunter is MY friend and he wants to ruin MY lunch! (And don't even get me started on that time someone "accidentally" let loose a bunch of bats in Chipotle.)
Reason two: Batman is always throwing shade. The other day, I posted a Vine of Krypto the Superdog scooting his butt on the carpet, with Rihanna's "Work" playing in the background. I thought that was pretty cute! But not even two seconds went by before Batman showed up in the comments and posted an eye-roll emoji followed with "Bye, Felicia!" That is a total dick move! And who's Felicia?
Reason three: He can't be nice about anything! Yeah, I get it—Batman is moody. But why do I have to be happy about it? I'm the victim of his bad mood! Is the entire Justice League supposed to walk on eggshells every time "Bad Mood Batman" walks into headquarters? HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE SUPERPOWERS! And yet, everyone's like, "Ooooooh! Get out of Batman's way! His parents died!" Well, guess what? My parents died too—along with our entire fucking planet. And yet I'M not moping around! I'M not making everybody's life fucking unbearable!
Fuck that and fuck him. You wanna know why I'm "v" Batman? THAT'S why I'm "v" Batman! Because Batman is a lunch-ruining, shade-throwing, self-absorbed dick! And yes, I may be made of steel... but my feelings are not.