Dear Superman,

Everyone in Gotham keeps asking why you're so mad at me in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. I was also confused, but then the Flash, who has been my absolute rock through all of this, reminded me of some stuff. The Flash also suggested I apologize.

Fine. Here:

• I am sorry for filling Chipotle with bats when you and Martian Manhunter were trying to have lunch.

• I am sorry for telling you that since the sun gives you your powers, the moon takes them away. I know you haven't been outside at night for like five years.

• I am sorry for telling Alfred to dress up like Pa Kent and wander through the Fortress of Solitude moaning like a ghost.

• I am sorry for putting your hand in a bowl of lukewarm water the first time we all slept at Justice League HQ.

• I am sorry for telling you that it's Earth fashion to wear underwear on the outside.

• I am sorry for telling Lois Lane that your full Krypton name is Kal-El-Ay-Em-Ee.

• I am sorry for showing Lois what's inside my utility belt one time.

• I am sorry for making out with Lois immediately after that.

• I am sorry for baking cookies for everyone in the Justice League and putting them in a kryptonite cookie jar.

• I am sorry for writing multiple letters to the Daily Planet insisting that Clark Kent is a plagiarist.

• I am sorry I told Wonder Woman about your lasso fetish.

• I am sorry for making up the fact that you have a lasso fetish.

• I am sorry for putting ants in the Bottle City of Kandor.

• I am sorry I told Aquaman that you only like him because you think he's one of the "good" Atlanteans.

• I am sorry for giving Lex Luthor your cell number, and telling him how much you like dick pics.

• I am sorry for secretly giving you the broken controller whenever we play Mario Kart.

• I am sorry for telling you that the Justice League has a "one orphan" rule and that since I was already in the Justice League that meant you couldn't also be in the Justice League. As you have probably figured out, there is no "one orphan" rule. I regret to inform you, however, that there is a "no losers" rule, so I guess you're still not allowed in.

Suck it,