I'm done peeing outside.

I need to stop crying every time I throw up.

I resolve to tweet only if I want to inspire positivity in others. #joytotheworld #posivibesonly #healthyliving #gtfonegativity #nobadjuju #FUCKYOUHATERS #livelaughlove

I resolve to take my antidepressants every day.

This is the last year I give love one more chance.

I am going to make amends with the crow that hangs out on the fire escape outside my cubicle window. I don't know what I ever did to it, but it threw a rock at me the other day, so I think we need to clear the air.

I hereby resolve to drink no more than two quad Americanos per day, no matter how attractive the barista is.

I resolve to consume only kale chips and coconut LaCroix after sundown.

In 2017, I resolve to end my indefinite ban on karaoke. I will sing songs for which my voice—which makes late-career Leonard Cohen's sound like Tim Buckley's—is totally unsuited. Because people can't get enough of the "it's so bad, it's horrible" aesthetic.

I resolve to finally throw out my orphaned socks.

I will upholster my apartment in velvet.

I resolve to stop resolving to delete Facebook from my phone, only to reinstall it five minutes later.

I hereby resolve to always spell out the entire word, correctly if possible, even in texts.

I hereby resolve not to send dog photos to anyone without express written consent.

I hereby resolve to choose either Hulu or Netflix, as long as I never watch either one of them.

No more arguments about why Bernie lost.

I hereby resolve never to speak or type the words "president" and "Trump" consecutively.

I resolve to spend less money on scented candles, which I keep hoping will make me more calm in the face of impending fascism, and to spend more money on drugs, which may actually make me more calm in the face of impending fascism.

I resolve to work out at least one hour a year.

I will stop peeling bananas from the weird end in front of people who don't know me very well.

I resolve to normalize in-boxes with unread messages in the tens of thousands.

No more memes.

I will prevent enemies from appropriating the term "fake news" for their own purposes.

Every time I feel ashamed of myself for watching porn, I'm going to donate $10 to Planned Parenthood.

In 2017, after 27 years of vegetarianism and 13 of veganism, I resolve to consume meat and dairy. Fuck trying in some small but potentially significant way to help save the environment. With Trump in office, there's no future anyway. Ecological catastrophe and colon cancer can't come fast enough.

I resolve to get caught singing Toni Braxton's "Un-Break My Heart" once per fiscal quarter.

No more arguments about why Hillary lost.

I resolve to invent an imaginary language this year.

No more doughnuts.

I resolve to wear purple.

I resolve to drink only Starbucks VIA Instant coffee this year. I'm not even going to drink water. Just Starbucks VIA Instant.

I resolve to incorporate more Theatresports into my sex life.

I resolve to learn Russian before Vladimir Putin becomes president of the United States of Oceania and Eurasia.

I'm moving to Tacoma, for real this time.