Hangovers will be a thing of the past if you do these three simple things. One, as soon as you wake, as each throb in your head is making suicidal thoughts more and more understandable, immediately take two Canadian delights. Or two Canadian champions. Or two Canadian miracles. Each pill, also known as a “222,” has lots of caffeine, lots of aspirin, and a little codeine. Take two of these, and the cold moon of clear and cool consciousness will begin to rise into the bleak and blistering realm of your hangover. But don't stop there. More has to be done. The next important part of this treatment is to fill a huge-ass jar with ice and water and the contents of a packet of Emergence-C. Drink that down like a man or woman who has been desiccated by a long trek across a desert.

When done, while the cool water and powdered vitamin settle in your funny-feeling tummy, return to bed and play Brain Eno's "Discreet Music." It runs for 30 minutes. Listen to all of it, and let its soothing tones clear the last pockets of your hangover's resistance. And if you doze during this music, all the better, because you will rise from the dead with greater confidence than Jesus. Do these three things and you will not have to pay a whole day of your life for the sins of the night.