Features Aug 11, 2005 at 4:00 am

The Definitive Jerk-Off Guide to Local TV Newscasters


I picked up a copy of The Stranger the other morning, and realized it has disintegrated into a worthless piece of shit weekly. The article to advertisement ratio is appalling, and emo punks make huge statements with overanalyzed evidence and a sort of jaded cynicism that cheapen the quality of anything insightful. Sell-out comes to mind, but it doesn't matter because only faggots read it anyway.

I would love to fuck Rebecca Stevenson though
Why let Kathi Goertzen be?

Even though I wish her all the best doesn't take away from the fact that I have been wanting to bang her for years... I'd give anything to see her naked and sit on my face... She's HOT...
Mark Mullen. 'Nuff Said.
You are a complete JACK ASS! I can not put it plain enough. I have worked with some of these people and what you do here is stupid, lame and something a ten year old would want to read. You should be disgusted to call yourself a writer.
I'm a 10 year old and this is way over my head, I don't care to read it at all. So "stingwcw80" [seriously?] you're dumb and teh stranger rules. Plus I don't use CapLocks and swear like a punk 9 yearold, you big diaperfillin baby.
I have now picked up my last copy of the Stranger ever. I will now delete this bookmark.I'll have to get my music news elsewhere. At some point, perversion just crosses the line to vulgarity. Whether written in jest or for sheer shock value, neither were accomplished, only disgust.
I don't even live in Seattle and have no idea who these newscasters are (though I Googled them as I read about them), and yet I still found this article gut-bustingly funny. Adrian Ryan, you were born to write about sex. Thanks for doing it unabashedly. You make me look forward to watching the news.
wheres the pictures?
yo, Mary Nam is engaged! Too late, fellas
Dan Devone has herpes
I loved the article.. Why, I was just reminiscing to the fact that I got my first erection to a young, perky Jean Enersen. I think I was 28 weeks or so..

You all know that's why the eye candy are hired.. You never see the swollen bee stung face, or the borderline morbidly obese feeding you the latest depressing tidbits of the day.

We all look at the skincasters and wonder what they look like naked and how freaky they are. Adrian was just the first to do it in print and not on Craigslist. Quit denying it and shelve your Victorian ideals.

And yes, I want to see KIRO's Monique Ming Laven pushed up against a teleprompter that's rolling my name repeatedly.
A story this wrong can only be right. My insides ache from laughing.
YUP! Time for an update. 'Cause if Jenni Hogan isn't at the top of the list, it must be 2005!!
what about steve pool. hes a good looking guy.
What, no Lisa Gangel from King5?! This report isn't complete without her, straight up. http://www.king5.com/about/bios/stories/…

P.S. My husband and I joke that Jeff Renner is totally a perv.
"The bubbleheaded bleach-blond comes on at 5, she can tell you 'bout the plane crash with a gleam in her eye. . . "

Don Henley sure had it right.
How on earth could you omit Jane Mccarthy king 5. she is by far the hottest and i think she might also be smart...
OMG..Jenni Hogan is the hottest thing on local tube..I hate watching TV but make the time just for her..
What about chris egert from Kiro. He is so HOT! he has that wholesome florida guy thing going on.
Chris Egert from kiro is HOT!! He is florida and looks like he rocks in the sac
Did you hire a 12 year old boy (who goes to an all male school) to write this piece of garbage masqurading as a "humor" column?

Sorry, it's Lisa Gangel or bust!

Well...I'd do Rebecca Stevenson too...oh, and Monique Ming Laven...
I know its not local but FOX NEWS has the finest looking hot women in the industry.
kiro 7 has the babes- i wanna do them all
Rebecca "chief bimbologist"Stevenson is an idiot. I would not do her, even when hammered-her or I. Shannon Oh Donnel makes me puke in my mouth every time I hear her shrill voice. I especially love how she always looks at the camera from an angle and now that she's at komo, something tells me no other market will put up with her crap. Jeff Renner and his pack a day Pall Mall infused voice makes me wish he does not have children to carry on his creepy genes. Erin Mayovsky, Gaard Swanson's missus, is hawt! Smoking, aluminum ingot melting hot. Not sure why Q13 picker her up, but who cares. She's my version of a wet dream convergence zone.
Wow. The constant state of denial that liberals live in is amazing. I'd rather be an honest ten year old than a delusional moron, who would stop reading a publication, because they do not want to acknowledge the true nature of humans. There is a reason we do not see many ugly news anchors anymore, and Adrian has hit it right on the head.

Joyce Taylor is my favorite. I don't even know why. I am not normally attracted to the Amazon type. She reminds me of those Catholic girls. They put forth an exterior of innocence, but are absolute freaks.
Let's go national...RICHARD ENGEL on NBC!!!!!!
Monique Ming Laven and Mimi Jung. I don't even have an asian fetish, they just are the hottest in town. Period. Jean Enersen?? Good god no. I'd rather do my grandmother...who happens to be dead. Lori Matsukawa??? Again, NOT attractive by any stretch of the imagination. But it's the Stranger, and you "reporters" are probably all on dope anyway
This "thread" is worthless without pictures!
Meg Koyle....imho Seattle hottest anchor. She has that touch of nastiness in her eyes. She tends to ramble on a bit and mutter ad-libs...it all just makes her hotter.
For those of you wondering Jim Foreman is Mr. X.
Maybe KING otta dump Matsukawa & replace her with Jung. That would be a good move. It's too bad that Channel 7 had to cut it's Noon News from 60 back to 30 mins. back in 1997 on the day that CBS returned to KIRO after that two-year absence to Channel 11.
I always had it big for Mark Wright, although he seems very hetero which gives me less of a chance.
This has to be one of the most disgusting abuses of the Fourth Estate I've witnessed in a journalistic career dating back to 1976. As far as I'm concerned, The Stranger is an embarrassment to the profession and certainly does NOT speak Seattle. Merritt Scott Miller, editor, The Northstar Journal
Adrain, You are one sick bastard.
Jenny Hogan all the way. I would fuck her til we were both bleeding to death from rug burns. She's lost most of her sexy Aussie accent, but it slips out (like I wish her nipples would) every now and then, and it drives me nuts. Mary Nam at KOMO is pretty hot too. Jean Enersen? Fuck No! I think it was Dan Savage who described her as as looking like a pissed on corn flake (I still laugh when I think about that). I think that comment must have gotten to her cuz shortly thereafter she began showing signs of the bloated, bulging Botox syndrome. She's gotta be pushing 90, so the Botox is doing something. Maybe her complexion is more like shredded wheat now. Kathy Goertzen is fair game too, tumors or not. She doesn't need to talk for what I'm interested in, like those jugs! Megan Black is appealing too. Ever since I saw a momentary open blazer bra shot some years ago, I've wanted to see more. And I want to see her beating the shit out of that gardening freak Cisco (something tells me he'd love it). Cisco, on all fours, bound and gagged, and Megan just going ape shit on him with a really stiff riding crop, maybe a bamboo cane. Brutal beating ensues, Cisco jizzes, Megan pisses all over him and a bowl of his favorite brussel sprouts and smashes them in his face. Might have to go pay per view on that one. Jean Enersen is still the corn flake bitch. No amount of Botox, or tequila, could make her attractive. Eewww.
Jean Enersen in 79 is no real improvement. She still looks like a stuck up conservative cunt. Granted, her hair is a little better, and the corn flakes are still young, but she's still an elitist conservative twat that needs a good beating, or a good train pulled on her by a bunch of homeless dudes down under I-5 in the Jungle. That might wipe that snotty bitch look off of her face, but nothing can ever take away her corn flake complexion. Evil old twat needs a job in some aids infested African country where there's no tv for her to be on. Washing pus from infected blisters and buttholes might give her some humility, and may even improve her complexion (nah, that could never happen).
I'd like to see Joyce Taylor interview Ren & Stimpy creator John Kricfalusi.
Now that Lily Jang has bolted for Houston, maybe Q-13 should hire Audra Schroeder, who is a fill-in anchor on NWCN & was previously morning news co-host on Bellingham's KGMI-790 AM. Perhaps Q-13's next news set will be chroma keyed,except for the weather center set & the desk will be a see-thru desk. Schroeder also worked for KIRO-TV.
I didn't know the local news had so many hot Asian babes! I'll have to start watching again.
KIRO's Monique Ming Laven ... indescribably and unbearably HOT!!
A second (really, only two?!) vote for Meg Coyle.
Anyone who remembers her reports from the top of the Space Needle, the year the fireworks didn't work, will forever have that image of her in that gold dress forever seared into their memory.
She's definately more than a pretty face!
Jenni Hogan's not really "all that" in real life, but she sure cleans up nice on the TV!
Whenever I'm up early on the weekdays, I make sure to take in a little KIRO 7, just to see just how hot she's made herself up to be that day.
...and no votes for Denise Whitaker?
What the heck is wrong with you people?!...!!!
I wish she'd climb MY mountain! That woman will always be hot.
I want and need to 69 the shit out of Joyce Taylor as shes wearing some serious leather High heeled boots. Need to feel my hands all over that ass while my tongue goes to work. I wonder how her knees are ?? !!

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