Before we get to the topic at hand—internet porn—let's talk a moment about watching porn outside the internet. While my legal department is suing The Stranger for stealing my trademarked name, I am a big fan of HUMP! for two reasons: (1) It gives me an opportunity to look at you naked and (2) if I'm sitting next to you at HUMP!, you may give me a handjob.

Hey! IT COULD HAPPEN.

But that cannot happen when I'm sitting at home, online, diddling my fiddle. Which is why nothing beats watching porn in a theater filled with happy hornies. That's how people used to watch dirty movies—together, in dirty-movie theater palaces, like the Apple Theater, the Midtown, and the Cinerama. And that's why I say, "Thank you HUMP!—even if I am going to sue your asses off—for reviving the retro pleasure of sitting in a theater with strangers, watching porn, and getting (or giving!) the occasional handjob."

But back to internet porn. Here is a fact: Everybody likes to watch porn, but NOBODY likes to pay for it. That's why in the old days I almost drove myself crackers searching for free porn trailers on the internets. And when you did find them, most wouldn't work, took forever to download, or lasted only 30 seconds—which is five seconds LESS than it takes me to ejaculate!! THE TIMING WAS COMPLETELY OFF!!

Thank god then for YouTube.com, who—while not sullying their site with pornography—inspired others to offer websites where horndogs could watch and SHARE pornos. Here are my faves:

PornoTube.com: The new "PornoTube.com" is a warehouse of smut. But it only has three major categories: gay, straight, and "all content." (Sorry bi- and asexuals!) On the other hand, it's easy to find and quickly download clips under subclassifications such as "Young Slut," "Webcam Girl," "Shemale Masturbation," "Ass Gape," "Cum Swap" and "Doublestuff Twinks." HOWEVER! Type the word "romance" into the search engine? You come up with a woman making her cootie squirt into the camera. (So much for dinner and dancing!)

eVideoShare.com: For those who love the idea behind HUMP! (homemade porny goodness), eVideoShare.com could be the site for you. This site allows Grandma and Auntie Maybelline the opportunity to share videos of baby taking her first steps—unless of course, they click the "adult viewing" button, where they can watch "Interracial Wank Off," and "Two Cocks in One Ass." (Like baby's first steps, something Auntie probably hasn't seen.) Almost totally amateur videos and hot gay guys banging the crap out of each other, eVideoShare displayed an alarming "no results found" when I typed in the word "cheerleader."

xTube.com: My personal fave! Even though this site has a lot of dirty-DVD ads, it's the easiest and most comprehensive free porn site. It's got tons of kinky categories, an easy-to-use search engine (I found "footjobs" in a flash!), and a vaginormous library. Plus their titles are more descriptive, such as "Undies Down!" "Teens Having Fun," and "Mr. Horsecock & Friends." Thanks, xTube!