Golly, what a year! You know, lots of folks keep walkin' up to me and sayin', "What do you regret, Sarah?"—thinkin' I have a bushel of regrets for 2008. Bulldoodie! So I'm an eensy bit of a shopaholic. So what? And if the liberal media can't handle a few turkeys gettin' axed, maybe they oughta go back to tofu!

Truth is, I have one regret: writin' those columns in September and October for The Stranger. When Tim Keck, Todd's hunting buddy from way back, offered me that space, I thought I had the opportunity to say what was on my mind without the filters of the mainstream media. In "What's That Wailin'? by Sarah Palin," I talked about my daughters and my poor blessed angel Trig who has the Downs and my other son Track who is currently kicking brownie butt in Eye-rack. In "Darkies Need Jailin' by Sarah Palin" I got a chance to clear up somethin' I said that made a waitress think I had a problem with coloreds—never said I had a problem with coloreds. And then since I was on a roll, and I went ahead and did "I Got Drunk and Blew Three-Fourths of Van Halen by Sarah Palin" because Tim told Todd how much Stranger readers like the rock 'n' roll stuff. Next thing I know, Mr. McCain is yellin' at me so hard his face is turning the color of that kicky little leather jacket I was wearin'. Turns out, this paper is nuttier than Great-Grandma Palin's fruitcake, and twice as fruity, if you catch my drift!

So you can be sure as shootin' I've turned over a new leaf in this respect. From now on, I'm only writin' for magazines that I love and read, like Highlights and Field & Stream. In conclusion, I have a message to gays of America: I hope that the next time I see you, it will be in 2012, when I am banning your homosexual magazines (like the Nation, that Ebony one, and any newspaper that doesn't run Marmaduke) from our nation's libraries. And you can bet the first one out the door will be The Stranger!

Love, (Future) President Sarah Palin

P.S. Happy birthday, Jesus!!