Features Apr 2, 2009 at 4:00 am

A Complete List

As originally printed Photos by Kelly O and Mike Wilkes


I love you, Lindy. It's just too bad you're not Asian.
regarding clowns: I fell down the stairs a few weeks ago and sprained my ankle! perhaps I will re-think my position on clowns.
I don't know the Jimmy Stewart story, but I *do* know the story about Errol Flynn and the duck necklace, which he made by feeding fat-covered string to a series of ducks in a chain, then feeding the string again to the first duck.
AhhhH! This was hilarious!!
How much overweight are you?
OK, this is just brilliant. Thank you SO much!
Boring and unfunny.
That was fucking grand.
Forgot -Hipsters who just wannabe ---
lindy, you are my favorite person of ever. please publish your every thought in the stranger. i will not complain.
I love this! I'm only about $100 from total financial devastation and homelessness! Hooray! And hooray for you! This shit is funny.

Have you met Gabe Morgan? If not, it's probably time...
Hey there are some pretty scary clowns in this town though. It is possible that one could become genuinely traumatized by them.
A lot of that was good but too much of it was "quirky for the sake of being quirky" which kinda poisons the well. SECRET HOOKERS LOL OMGZ HAHAHA nope.
Yeah, WTF about the clowns, huh? Tacky, sure. Unfunny, yes, usually. Scary? Please.
I'm the new president of the Lindy West fanclub. Who's in?
I love you too, but in a platonic way because I'm not having sex with fat chicks...

...for at least another 2 months.
I feel compelled to point out that 7% unemployment does not imply that 93% of people are employed.
Oh this was so damn good! Hands down the best thing Ive read in the stranger-ever.
It killed me..you maam are a funny fuck.
Lindy West you always make me smile.
Funny stuff.
This was awesome and made me laugh more than once. Thanks!
thank you for making me laugh tears, which burned as they rolled down my dried out face. hurts so good.
Smart, funny, and amazing, as usual, dear, dear LW.
I laughed out loud - OUT LOUD.
Thanks Lindy, best article I've seen in the Stranger in a while. Reminds me of those insurance ads about Northwest Profiles.

I can't say I don't watch TV because I'm addicted to The Office. And I'm not afraid of clowns, I just don't think they're funny. Lots of people climbing out of a SmartCar, throwing a bucket of confetti into the audience, spritzing other clowns with a seltzer bottle, it's been done. And the clown in It, of course, really wasn't a clown...
If you didn't like this piece, it doesn't make you an asshole, but it sure helps.

(after Sean Nelson)
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I really enjoyed this.
Lindy! Because I am a straight girl, I don't know how to give cunnilingus. But if you would like it, I would learn.
Yes, bullshit about sums up your hazy thinking and logical leaps. Thumbs down...You'll have a very niche following with that writing style. If it's enough to keep you happy though, go for it.
what's a hobo...
oh yeah... fuckem...
bahaa,a ahaha...
i sincerely almost peed my pants laughing at this article. OH MY GOD. funniest thing ever.
It's funny because we're all those people, and not at the same time. Relatable!
i hate people that have truck nuts hanging from their bumper. i mean come on, isn't your truck enough to compensate for your insecurities? or do you honestly need the truck nuts to feel like a real man. go smoke a pack of marlboro reds.
Some of those "hoboes" make more money than me. That's why I don't give em a dollar. (Except for the one with shit in his pants who talks about the FBI. Hell, if he is acting, he deserves your buck anyway. Bravo!). They probably make more money then you too. You should give more of a chance (datewise) to such an eligible professional.
Not bad for a hiptard.
"I'm sooooo cunty and fat."
And it's still hilarious on the fifth rereading. Thank you Lindy!
Waaaayy too Vice. Your fat because you've always taken what you've been given. Give it away. Give it all away and then go get some good-times herpes to spread around ole Cap Hill. Just don't move to Beacon Hill.
Kitty foot washing station. Heh.
You just inspired me to watch TV (on Hulu) all night long! I don't have a TV now, but I sure do miss it sometimes.
that was fun. if i ever see you at a four way stop...i will let you go first.
fuck! babies ALWAYS miss the point. geez
I never comment. Ever. But this is funny in a way that is both funny (ha ha) and funny (ha ha). It gave me hope for humanity, because our salvation lies in self awareness...or fewer nuclear weapons. It's a toss up.
Pretty good article, but seriously, television is shit. Why waste money on a tv and cable when you can get all the same stuff online, and without half of the commercials?
this is amazing!
Hi Lindy West,
After 10 years of being a Stranger reader, I thought I'd seen it all. Many a time I wanted to never read the Stranger again ( but what else is there to do in this shithole town!) Then suddenly, this thing you wrote...I liked it! I laughed! I never liked anything you ever wrote before, so I must congratulate you. Is it the fear of layoffs? That sure brings out the best in me. If not, did you have a brush with death? Why are you suddenly entertaining? Although I can't say I "agree" with it all, this was really well done. Whatever happened, please keep it up! And thank you for becoming yourself, and please share the drugs you are on, or whatever. You know you are lucky to write for the Stranger, now you can rest assured you actually deserve it too! No, I really am impressed, even tho' this must seem sarcastic, I am the most bitter, cynical, mean old bitch ever to read this thing (don't believe me? start a contest!) and you have won me over! Thanks!
-Ilira Walker
also--people who stare off into space!!!
Fuckin' babies, man.
Does Quebec count as a 3rd world country?
I love you too.
mm, i don't think it's unjustified that people get upset with others who don't have jobs and yet still ask them for money.

For a man whyo works hard for his money, every dollar he owns is rightfully his and no other man should ever possess the right to force another to give him money.

I give money hoboes, but only if i understand that they honestly don't possess the power to get a job and work for themselves.

My money is my money, noone but me has the right to it unless i decide so.
here's a little plugging for people who miss the point in a much more lovable way, without conviction, a la people who don't know how to drink. love us, too. we're more capable of understanding it than, say, pigeons.
BWAAAHAHAHAHA! This is teh awesome.
I love you, Lindy. Please marry me, you fat hiptard.
Totally love you, even though I have bad clown dreams, ferreals.
Best. List. Ever.
Hooray for this article. Best ever.
I think I fit the description of at least one of your lists. Congrats on a truly entertaining article.
Re: Belief in Evolution/Science

I'm an atheist (small-a type, i.e., independent of any non-belief system/organization) who doesn't believe in Evolution and who never will. Evolution (and science in general) is not a belief system. Science is about evidence, observation, proof and disproof. Religion is not provable, and more importantly, it is not disprovable—hence, it demands belief; no questions allowed—no progress of—or, I suppose, no evolution of thought. So please don't refer to Evolution as something to believe in. Belief in science/scientific principle is antithetical. I accept Evolution as a great theory for all life because it makes sense, is rational, and is made evident by repetition of patterns throughout nature. "Belief" is a very poor choice of word.
so good. I too believe that the area outside of Capitol Hill is like the space desert in Beetlejuice. I have yet to confirm my theory that sandworms originate in Tukwila, though. One day.
loved it. what about people that are on their 4th day of quitting smoking?
I'm sorry but clowns are slightly scarier than scissors, but not that other stuff. Also if a clown has a knife, it's scarier than a regular guy with a knife. Also Wizards are nice.
This offset's Mudede's retarded post about the Tauntaun birth bullshit. What the FUCK does that guy smoke? And don't EVER put that shit in my joint. Who wants to sound like a 21-year-old, trenchcoat-wearing, D&D playing philosophy major who just got high while watching Empire for the first time? UUUUUGGGGHHH.
dear lindy,
one day i discovered you in the film section. before that, i'd only come to this website to read dan. now i sometimes read you before dan. i love your sensibility, sensitivity, snarkiness, wit, the whole contradictory lot of it. don't worry about all the haters man. let them drown in their own misery-- don't take it upon you. and if you ever need a place to stay in SF, mi casa es su casa (not meant creepily -- just friendlyly).
I believe the humor in this lies in all those who hate it.
You really 'don't get it'
I knew you were my favorite for a reason.
I heart this and will send it to everyone I know who will Get It.
This is all I have to say about wizards:

Thank you Lindy West, you are a National Treasure in a non-Nicholas-Cagey way. The next article I wish for you to write is an article about good swear words with a non-religious origin. Swear words like "Fucktard" and "Shitsicle." Because ALL of the good curse words can't be taken by religion, right?
Some of this stuff is not accurate. For instance:

Hobos smoke cigar butts and hop rails. Transients do not, but have been known to steal bikes and crash them into polls.

Calista Flockhart.

The Seattle PI went out of business as a noble sacrifice for our need of a charming, bitter sweet story, according to Jean Enerson.

Re: Jean Enerson.

You forgot to mention Rush Limbaugh is a sow. Always mention that.
That was a great article! It really made me laugh. Keep up the great writing! I don't remember the space desert in Beetlejuice though; maybe I can re-watch it on Hulu since I don't own a tv:)
People who write and bring up a race issue and make it as though the white person is somehow un hip when in fact perception exists for it's own reason so after writer and reader get over their original guilt for being white and their laugh if reading this while next to another white person they go back to looking retarded.
I want to read much more by you. Much more. I just had a hernia laughing from the realness. Its funny because its true. xoxo
i do agree. great stuff.

one of the more humorous things I have ever read in the stranger. oh seattle.
That... made my life. Or explained? Probably both.
Wow..easily the funniest thing i have read in a very very long time. Lindy, kudos to your brilliance.


hopefully a 'People Who Are Pretty and Smart and Funny and Nice', (but more likely a 'People Who Are Only Interesting When They're Drunk')

This is the best article EVER!!!

Reminds me why I love living here (not just in Seattle, but on this planet).

Thanks for making my totally shit-filled day just that much better.
Responses over 10 words don't get it.
I prefer the term "tramps" rather than "hobo" - it implies a certain theatricality! Also, I am tired of so many walking dildos not smiling at other people on the street I have lived on the hill for 7 years and have been running my own little campaign of trying to engage my fellow pedestrians with a smile, and sometimes my boldness will compell me to expel a quick HI! Give me some back!
I am not clever enough to post here. I thought this article and entire edition of the Stranger was garbage.

Can we try something better please?
I now regret posting here. Isn't this space meant to be for commenting on the article, not commenting on eachothers comments? Whaddaya think this is, facebook?
i like to read the comments and imagine them said with funny voices.
LOL. I love this article. It is all so true. Especially, people who are only interesting when then drink. I get so aggravated by those types.
This was amazing. Thanks for: 1) Giving me a distraction on a Friday that let me at least look like I'm working...well up until all the laughing, 2) Making me laugh out loud in my quiet office, 3) Making everyone else in my office laugh because, hey, I had to share. You can't get away with laughing that hard at your desk and not sharing ;)
You forgot people who can make skin out of suits, like that dude from Silence of the Lambs.
please promise that you'll at least think about adopting the much funnier "urban outdoorsman"
You forgot to mention: People who equate Christians with people who hate science, even though there are Christian scientists, and evolution is just a part of science. Lot's of people didn't believe in phrenology when it came out. Didn't mean they didn't believe in science. They just didn't believe in phrenology. Evolution works the same way. How hard is that to fucking figure out? Are those people bigots too?
Just sayin'.
Pigeons do not love you. Much like robots and the British, pigeons do not have the capacity to feel love. They only have the capacity to desire croutons.

the best type of person (girl) there is -"I take it in the ass because I want to stay a virgin and I have found the dirty holy loophole."
nailed it! lindy, you are the funniest bizzo i know. you write the funniest shit ive read. thank you.
Wow. That's about all I can say... Wow. The Stranger can die and go to heaven now, cause nothing is going to beat that.
Dear Lindy,

I like you're writing. You're funny. Though do you ever wonder about readers who don't hate, and who don't write mean things to you? Doesn't representing the relentless refractions of (self-) perception get tiresome?
whoops. :)
You know, when I posted my LustLab thingie last year, one of the silly questions was, "What Do You Turn To First When You Read The Stranger," and my totally hipster answer was, "WTF is the stranger?" But today my answer would be, "Lindy West." I am SORRY young lady to have to mention your name in the same paragraph as LustLab, OR The Stranger for that matter, but your column, Concessions, has made me happy for a really long time now. (Oh...PSSST! I am one of "the old people," but I'm not nearly as old as some of them.) So I even WENT TO YOUR WEB SITE, so at least 10 of your recent hits there are mine, but I'm one of the nicer strangers too, and I like to smile in a non creepy way sometimes, and I am smiling at you. Thank you. You fucking RAWK! Love from ooppoddoo
Oh yeah...and two more things (a seriously "bad" part about the getting older thingie is forgetting WTF yer saying...) ~ number 1 ~ this column made me laugh when I was having a REALLY BAD NIGHT. I was rolling on the floor laughing, or what some people call...ummm...ROFL (which is gauche. There's just no other word for that), and thank you. And no problem about getting sick all over my bathroom and I'm sorry I didn't have any Sprite in the house when you woke up on the floor. Ha ha ha...please keep writing lots. I just love you! ~ ooppoddoo
Yep, I pretty much agree with the first comment, that was about the funniest thing I have ever read in the Stranger. Thanks!
Wow. That was really dumb. REALLY dumb.

Just as ridiculous are all of these people commenting about how "great" it was.

You are all sheep.

    Please wait...

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