Features Jul 3, 2013 at 4:00 am

Here's What I Don't Have to Worry About Now That the Supreme Court Overturned DOMA

Robert Ullman


Lovely article, Dan. CNN reported this morning that Edie's tax and interest refund will be about $700K. http://money.cnn.com/2013/06/28/pf/taxes…

Well punned.
If only we could get back to traditional Amurikin marriage, in which married women couldn't own property or sign a contract.

Nice, Dan. I've respected your work a lot since I heard you speak at a NORML conference a few years back and have never stop being impressed since then.
The snowball is rolling down the hill now, picking up size and strength with every turn. I can easily see 3-6 more states granting marriage equality this year alone. It doesn't take much imagination to see a tipping point within 5 years, that so many states have approved marriage equality that SCOTUS will almost surely have to rule on the constitutionality of it. At that point, it will become the law of the land across the USA.
This is a tangent, but you have an interesting natural experiment going on in your family regarding the fear of death. You could find out if your siblings and/or biologic or adoptive nieces (if you have any) have it; and then if you son has it. You might find out it was environmental. Of course, we're basically talking an n of 1, but still...
Look at all the trouble that letting black folk marry white fold caused. Mixed Race amrriage destroyed straight marriage. God thing this supreme court struck down DOMA 5 to 3-3/5.

Tradition is for shit in the country.

Going to go get the wife and go to an orgy and suck me some dick while see muff dives! See!!!!!
Another battle still to be fought, though: getting the Voting Rights Act reinstated. Otherwise the bigots will have even more of a stranglehold on the South.
Look at all the trouble that letting black folk marry white fold caused. Mixed Race amrriage destroyed straight marriage. God thing this supreme court struck down DOMA 5 to 3-3/5.

Tradition is for shit in the country.

Going to go get the wife and go to an orgy and suck me some dick while she muff dives while getting sodomized! See!!!!!
I really couldn't be happier for you and all the families this ruling has affected. As a fellow oh-shit-is-this-going-to-kill-me worrier, I can't imagine living with the additional concern of what disasters my death might put on my husband. I'm glad you can rest more easily, even if there's still work to be done elsewhere.

Don't hold your breath on Mississippi, though. That really would kill you.
Well said Dan!
Dan, if I ever catch you riding your bike over the Ballard bridge, you won't have visions of hit-and-runs anymore; you'll have visions of me slapping the sh*t out of you. Please don't ride a bike on that death-trap of a bridge again. Promise?
The sad thing is that your passion in defense of your family should be held as an example to anyone who supports a family unit, not punished. Well done.
I expect this is already being linked to and referenced from all parts of the Internet. And rightly so.
Wonderful column. Left me all melancholy and sniffly, though. Why are people so fucking wretched to each other, just to make a point? Living life is hard enough without having people hating on you. A little common courtesy among humans would go a long way.

Do you hear that, Brian Brown, Maggie Gallagher, Rick Santorum and the rest of you uncharitable, self-appointed, moralistic, rationalizing, cruel tormentors of peaceful people who just happen to be different from you? And for those of you self-described Christians (I'd call you something else) who make a living at it, I almost wish that Hell was real, because you would certainly end up there.
It makes me laugh, imagining what evangelical, hard-core, asshole conservative Christians think when they have to hear Edie & Thea's love story being told and re-told, and will continue thus forever to be told. All their conservative hatred is left in the dust by true love.

Let us proclaim it "Edie & Thea Day" and keep it in our hearts forever.

Okay, NOW you've made me cry (though the graphics were kinda gory-silly). And @1's Christmas-in-July for Edie makes me cry, too.
I don't think I have the WCSD but as a lesbian and a parent, my heart does skip a few beats every time we travel from our home the states of Virginia and Alabama - two states we visit for my partner's side of the family. When we travel to see friends and family in MN and NY, I don't feel anxious or any version of WCSD.

What if we get sick in those states? What if our kids do? How will we be treated?

We have a lot of work to do. People living in those states deserve to be protected. And so do their kids.

The most recent DOMA ruling was encouraging but it is still inadequate.
Dan, good article. I hope your tax lawyer has encouraged you to amend your returns for as many years as possible prior to the IRS recognizing that income is community property in Washington for domestic partners. That should save you a shitload.
Great article, Dan!
Life insurance: We got the shock of our lives when my dad died in a car accident. His life insurance saved my stepmother from poverty and helped her to continue with her life. It still stuns me how many people don't have it when it's so cheap and prevents so much misery and suffering, straight or gay. (gets down off soapbox)
Legal Gay Marriage was not going to be as difficult to get as many think, at least for the blue states. It doesn't threaten the profit margins of the oligarchs, so they don't really care if it happens or not.

The bigger problem will be getting the bennies for gay married couples.
She had two words of advice for me: "Don't die."

Let's be honest: that's three words.
Great article that makes an extremely important point about how awful the now unconstitutional parts of DOMA were.

Death by suffocation from a rim job gone terribly wrong? That is terrifying.
I have often worried about you at public speaking events and wish you didn't give them. Granted, someone in your line of work, probably has to do these events, but so many of those opposed to equality are reacting with such hatred (see the latest string of hate crimes in NY, for example) as they realize they're on the losing end of this fight that I worry, now more than ever, about the safety of folks like yourself who put yourselves out there in front of the public.
[non-BJ] With that style of thinking, Mr Savage really ought to start worrying about my scenario and considering what will happen when Mr Brown and Ms Gallagher either get desperate (or show their true colours, if that's one's interpretation) and plant a dead teenager in his hotel room. Easily done, and enough to ensure the passage of the FMA. I really half-expect it any week now; my guess is that the only thing that stops them is the risk.
Actually, marriage equity is up for grabs in my state, New Jersey, because Governor Road Rage wants to run for president. He signs the legislation and he'll lose the 2016 South Carolina GOP primary.

It doesn't matter that 60 percent of all New Jersey residents support marriage equity. It's all about Chris Christie's political ambition. Bleh. Welcome to a "half-baked" hater state.
I worry about terrible things to ward them away, just like Dan. I call this 'prophylactic worrying'. The trick is to know when you have worried ENOUGH to avoid the danger. ;-) Unlikely events should only be worried on for thirty seconds to a minute. Extremely likely and terrible events need only be worried about for ten minutes, tops. Once you have worried enough, you can turn your mind to more pleasant things, certain that what ever terrible fate was in store has now been avoided. You should try it, Dan!
"Worst casing" is a verb at our house My husband was sure I was the only one so afflicted, and I always blamed it on being an ICU nurse. Good god, when you see all the crazy, rare, lightning bolt out of the blue shit that can happen to people, the only miracle is that it hasn't - yet!
Every time the phone rings, I'm sure a loved one is dead. I'm kinda glad I'm not the only one.
The Way of the Samurai is found in death. Meditation on inevitable death should be performed daily. Every day when one's body and mind are at peace, one should meditate upon being ripped apart by arrows, rifles, spears and swords, being carried away by surging waves, being thrown into the midst of a great fire, being struck by lightning, being shaken to death by a great earthquake, falling from thousand-foot cliffs, dying of disease or committing seppuku at the death of one's master. And every day without fail one should consider himself as dead. This is the substance of the way of the samurai.
Given the estate tax threshold and the unified credit, I think you're overstating this just slightly; anyone who's paying estate tax doesn't have a whole lot of money troubles. Though it was still horribly fucking unfair.

I keep thinking of Thea; her bones are in our legal foundations now. Her death is why this law was struck down, and that's pretty amazing.
congrats bro, you've done too much for equality and everything you gain is so well deserved. in the future you will be, as you are now, a pillar. keep up the work, dan you are a son of something bigger than us. bigger than you. my hats off to you, I love you. the world is a much better place because of dan savage. much love, your huge fan, a new world republican. thank you brother
((hugs)) I'm glad you don't have that burden anymore.
Dan, I am so happy for you and all of my friends who now have legal recognition on all levels. Of course most of them choose to live in places that validate their love...why *wouldn't* they. For those fighting the good fight in less tolerant places, we will keep fighting. :)

But worry-warting will wrinkle you and cut years from your life. I'm not trying to be a dick, I promise, but there are effective, non-drug therapies out there that can help with some of this. I went through cognitive-behavioral therapy to overcome a DEBILITATING (like, couldn't THINK of an airplane without having a panic attack) fear of flying, and it worked, and I've seen a few continents because of it. Sure, there's a legitimate worry about crazies at your appearances, but some of the other stuff you mention is not really all that dangerous. But, of course for you and for me previously, it's not about the *actual* danger, but what you perceive. I get it, I've been there. I couldn't fly, or use elevators, or stand on a balcony more than 2 floors up for about 10 years (I spent 2 months at one time hiking up 14 flights of stairs to my office...). Yes, it's natural to want to take care of your family, I'm just saying that, with the right help, you can be more comfortable doing the harmless things that scare you. 6 months of therapy changed my life, and all...
Yeah, what 34 said.

I'm also a bit of a compulsive worrier & had 13 years of Catholic school. Gee, I wonder if those things are connected..;)

Dan, the sense of relief must be huge.

Also, thanks for being so nice to my friend, when she lost her hubby; this article reminded me of that.

(@26, Mr. Vennominon - "non-BJ"? I keep thinking, no blowjobs? But why..? :D )

I'm a little relieved I'm not the only one afraid of suffocating while giving a rimjob.
I can sympathize with your fear of death, but the part that has me worried is the whole 5-4 ruling. To me this is black and white, and for the highest the Court of our Judicial Branch of Government to have damn near half of them literally clueless, straight up blinded by bigotry ignorant, that scares the shit out of me.

I've got to hand it to you for being so gentle and un-insulting, but am I the only one who doesn't why the lowest court should have no problem understand that the ONLY legal leg those fucking idiots would have had to stand on is if they were trying to prevent same sex committed partners from using the term "marriage" and even then this type of shit a court shouldn't even be bothered with unless they were going to grant same sex "unions" every tax break, every power of attorney, and every health care/life insurance coverage/benefit exactly equal as any other family is allowed.

I am happy for you Dan, this is a baby step in the right direction, but this learned, bigoted denial has such a firm grip on people that I keep thinking there has to be a hidden camera
Terry, the sometime DJ, stay at home dad and underwear model (May I just say he sounds like a gay version of an Orange County Housewife) should be protected by life insurance no matter the SSI rights you've gained. SSI barely covers living expenses, and unless you've put some cash away, I suggest you get some to protect your son and spouse.
I thought "traditional marriage" died when somebody decided that each man (presumed straight) should have only one wife. Or the point at which they decided that people getting married, especially women, should have any say whatsoever in who they were marrying.

And yes, there are some people that still practice that kind of marriage. I've kind of wondered what it might feel like to experience: "Jane, this is William. He'll be your sole sexual partner, your legal guardian, and your sole source of income for the rest of your life. Have fun!"
Thank you for writing this. I've been feeling a little bad since last week because while everyone I know has been planning wedding showers and honeymoons and exploding with glittery joy, I've just kind of sat back totally gobsmacked by the fact that I'm suddenly good for a green card...that one day social security survival benefits might keep me out of a 60 Minutes type nursing home. I've been so completely obsessed by practicality and paperwork that I felt a little bad that I wasn't as blinded by the joy of it all as some others.

Don't get me wrong. There is joy here and lots of it. But a green card? Inherited pension benefits? Joint taxes? I'm completely blown away by joys of a jointly filed 10-40 and next of kin hospital visitation.
Nicely written, Dan. I, too, am glad you have one less worry.
Beautifully written article, Dan! I'm so happy for you, Terry, and your son!
Isn't it wonderful to find peace and simply be able to go on living your lives? Hooray to the death of DOMA!!
BTW, I LOVE Robert Ullman's artwork!!
...and I mean because it's so well drawn and well stated.
Lovely article Dan.

The federal govt. should make anonymous internet death threats a federal crime and prosecute it across state lines. No one should have to deal with that and since they already read all our email and "anonymous" comments anyway, they should put that monitoring to good use.
@38 said "Terry, the sometime DJ, stay at home dad and underwear model ... sounds like a gay version of an Orange County Housewife..."

Nothing wrong in my book with a traditional relationship where 1 parent stays at home. The economics of it make sense given that USA doesn't have tax-supported childcare (nothing wrong with both parents working either).

The irony of the Christian haters who dislike Dan Savage is that actually Mr. Savage is quite traditional in many ways. They probably hate him more because he's way better at "traditional" marriage than most of them are!
This article was perfect, except for one thing.

It needed to be written about four years ago. Probably earlier.
Thanks Dan! But take the hint about buying some life insurance. SS doesn't keep people out of poverty, just barely off the street,even if you've paid off most of the mortgage. Put some money away for your joint retirements and the kids college fund. The only one who is going to take care of your family is you. Just another street dyke who'se learned the hard way....
Very well worded, Dan. As a queer living in Texas, thanks for not giving up the fight for the rest of us just because you got yours (not that you ever would!). xoxo
I hear you guys re: life insurance. Tried to buy it three different times. Debated including that in the piece. Explaining why I was uninsurable would've required a massive tangent. Frizzelle, who edited the piece, advised against including it.
Your excellent article comparing to gays' denial of the AIDs epidemic of the 1980s in perfect comparison to midwestern ranchers' denial of global warming and human created climate change was also sheer brilliance, Dan.
While it sadly wasn't what a lot of people want to admit, it had to be said.
Bravo and kudos to you, Terry, and DJ and all the best!

p.s. I'd like to see one of Terry's underwear ads!
@50: Now I am really curious about why no one will sell you life insurance.

Did you have to take a second job as an alaskan crab fisherman or lumberjack to support the household?
Those sissy boys seeking social approval of having it off in a loving way while responsibly raising children are soooo much more un-Christian than those who usurp the Judgement Seat on the Right Hand of God from Christ...wonder which one God hates more?

Incidentally, I initially became aware of Dan thru his advice to the love-lorn column in a local Cleveland entertainment weekly. I gained great respect for him because his moral judgements were always based upon the concept of equity in human relationships (if it's good for Joe and Sandy, it's also ethical for Tom and Andy, Mary and Joan, or anyone else). Very refreshing for a guy born in the great sex desert of the 50's to see ethical advice on graphic sex!

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