"A weak person takes offense when it is intended, but only a fool takes offense when it is not."

While the this article appears to make an appeal to people's goodwill, it's rhetoric will only serve in training people to take innocuous assumptions from total strangers and apply a needless sinister motivation to it. This does not help people embrace others from distinct backgrounds, races, genders, cultures, sexual orientations-- and develop relationships. It shames people into silence for fear of unintentional offense. Everyone is disrespected, everyone is dismissed, everyone is objectified and everyone has felt alone or left out. Writers have to develop certain sensitivities to become aware and develop insight. That sensitivity, however, becomes easily martyred if it's not tempered by genuinely putting forth the effort to understand another's perspective. This article was a complete dismissal and condemnation of this "White Waiter" as a human being and turned him into a caricature (the illustration-- an added racial stereotype). Rather than give us an anecdote that demonstrates how to deal with other people's ignorance or poor judgement with grace and maturity, this article props up an effigy then pretends its oppressive. As adults we can have a bit more of a sophisticated discussion than this.

Don Lee is insulted that he's mistaken for a visitor or immigrant. Where is the negativity in that? It lies in Don Lee's sense of superiority to Korean nationals on vacation and recent immigrants. There is the "ism". This is Lee's insecurity, manifested in KoreanAmerican-on-Korean bigotry, repackaged and blamed on provincial Nth generation Americans. Why not ask white ex-pats living in Asia how they're accepted into society if you want to hear about prejudice and stereotype. This "writer" and his friends don't come across as deep thinkers. Why is he identifying himself and his entire group as Korean, and demanding that his servant pretend to not notice that? When will this culture recognize that prejudice is not "racism"?

Your an American. You are sitting in a table full of Americans and all of you speak unaccented English. Then you have a waiter think you are a tourist group. Yes, it would be damn annoying. What? Yellow man can't be American too?!?!?

in our modern world, all strangers are reduced to stereotypes or tools for someone else's purpose. individuality is lost when we are forced to encounter strangers on a regular basis. people who are "minorities" may experience this more consciously, but it happens to all. (the waiter has become the caricature of "white liberal clueless server". where is his individuality? where is his personal history?)

Don Lee is insulted that he's mistaken for a visitor or immigrant. Where is the negativity in that? It lies in Don Lee's sense of superiority to Korean nationals on vacation and recent immigrants. There is the "ism". This is Lee's insecurity, manifested in KoreanAmerican-on-Korean bigotry, repackaged and blamed on provincial Nth generation Americans. Why not ask white ex-pats living in Asia how they're accepted into society if you want to hear about prejudice and stereotype. This "writer" and his friends don't come across as deep thinkers. Why is he identifying himself and his entire group as Korean, and demanding that his servant pretend to not notice that? When will this culture recognize that prejudice is not "racism"?

This reflects and media culture and educational system that promotes the idea that we should first jump to conclusions/assumptions and then learn, rather than putting learning first and holding judgement or conclusions.

This does seem really unfair. We all know that a big group of white folks eating in a restaurant in a smaller city in *any* Asian country on the planet would receive nothing even resembling different treatment from the waitstaff...

To Iamaniceperson and Don Lee. I wish you wouldn't equante ignorance and provinciality with racism. But there are more nuances in this story that explain why this non-racist, non-aggressive, outgoing waiter said what he did.

This waiter encountered a group of 9 (in the cartoon) Korean-Americans acting in a clearly un-American style. Americans in "liberal, cosmopolitan" cities like Seattle do not typically gather in large groups of people of visibly similar backgrounds. Imagine you're a waiter encountering a table of 9 bearded Chasidic Jews or 9 blonde white people, all of a similar age? Most Americans would correctly understand that these people have assembled because of their shared racial and ethnic background. People born into modern American culture do not habitually do that. Many Americans would even feel self-conscious about publicly joining racially exclusive, mono-ethnic parties such as this one. It looks foreign.
At this point you might be infuriated by the word 'foreign'. Do you deny that there is an American culture?
Of course, liberal, outgoing Americans like this waiter are justifiably curious about foreign behaviors. And it is this guy's job to connect with strangers, to make them feel at home.

The waiter is guilty of not noticing that this party of Korean-Americans all spoke perfect American English or possibly he's guilty of not knowing or believing that such an accent is unassailable evidence of their American-ness. Or maybe he didn't have time to analyze their situation properly.

I find this story to be completely unconvincing as an example of "aggression", and in fact the story is harmful to our American community of shared understanding and acceptance.

Agree with you #116. The Stranger excels at undermining the American community, shared understanding and acceptance. They won't rest until people of color are granted full diplomatic immunity by the state and white, straight Christian men are sent to the gulags for breathing, because it offends someone and reminds them of the manufactured "oppression" media outlets like the stranger have worked so hard to create.

"One hates in others what one hates in one's self."

Don Lee is a troll.

He segregates himself with his fellow Koreans and gets belligerently surprised when others notice that.

Recognition of repeating patterns (e.g. faces or body parts) is a fundamental function of human mind.
Suppressing it is not healthy and even dangerous.

Stopped reading as soon as I saw the reference to the Colbert fake 'foundation'. Someone who does indeed believe that such episode is a display of racism (rather than a denouncing of it) simply does not understand what racism is nor its manifestations. Disappointing.

Oh, good old "I am white inside... What did I do, so be so and blue?"

Who wants to be American nowadays, anyway?

I would rather be associated with my evil ancestors (whose rocket science is still being used), than with people who elected Obama.
At least my grandfathers were good engineers.

Can't one be a proud Korean? (They had Nogeun-ri i - something to be proud too).

Clearly #123 has never encountered real persecution or racism in his life, or he wouldn't cry wolf at every uncomfortable social situation or misunderstanding he reads about. My ancestors, like many other peoples, have endured exclusion, subjugation, persecution and genocide. And I will not allow you to equate the decadent whinings of insecure status seekers to obscure the dangers of true racist persecution that exist in our world. There are societies seeking to humiliate and destroy others. You seem to not care about that, and are content to redefine and dilute words to elevate your own preposterous sense of struggle. Humans are prejudiced; it is our adaptation and our gift (as #119 points out). It is not the same thing as racism.

Clearly #123 has never encountered real persecution or racism in his life, or he wouldn't cry wolf at every uncomfortable social situation or misunderstanding he reads about. My ancestors, like many other peoples, have endured exclusion, subjugation, persecution and genocide. And I will not allow the decadent whinings of insecure status seekers to obscure the dangers of true racist persecution that exist in our world. There are societies seeking to humiliate and destroy others. You seem to not care about that, and are content to redefine and dilute words to elevate your own preposterous sense of struggle. Humans are prejudiced; it is our adaptation and our gift (as #119 points out). It is not the same thing as racism.

Just about every other comment in this thread, summarized:

"As a white person, let me explain to you Asians what constitutes racism towards Asians..."

How do you people fail to realize how idiotic you sound?

OK, Bonefish. Seems you're saying my skin color makes my logical arguments worthless. Racism against Asian people is so intrinsically mysterious and difficult to observe and discuss objectively, that only Asian people are welcome to the discussion. If that is your framework, I have no answer to that objection.

Imaniceperson, sorry that my remarks seem irrelevant and repetitive. I know that to you, this is simple. It's racism, or it ain't! And if'n ya don't know, it prolly is! You are a simple person, and call it like you see it. Bravo, nice person! You're concise!

If you speak with non American accent, it's natural for people to be curious as to where you are from, but assuming you are not American just based on the looks - Asian in this case - is prejudicial.

I have lived in Seattle area for many years, working for the largest software company with many Asians, but I still get 'do you understand English' from people outside of Seattle downtown. And, yes Seattle is just a small hub of of liberal thinking, and few miles outside of it will get you into your typical hick town mentality. So, waiter must be from Tacoma :-)

Andefiance, your whiteness does invalidate your arguments, they're bad for other reasons. But what your whiteness does is prevent you from encountering the specific forms of racism/prejudice/ignorance that other races in America do. And so, rationalizing why someone else shouldn't be upset by something you've never experienced is ludicrous. To think that your imaginings of what a lifetime of someone else's day-to-day interactions looks like is enough to judge whether they should or should not be offended is pretty arrogant.

Here's the bottom line—as white people in America, we're automatically assumed to be Americans on sight. Try to imagine how frustrating it would be if you were routinely assumed not to be American, if your part of your actual identity was automatically denied on sight. This wouldn't be as bad as say, being called an ethnic slur, as the author pointed out, but it would still be aggravating if encountered week after week, year after year. They *are* American, and it is really easy to phrase things in a way that doesn't implicitly deny their identity. All it takes is a little bit of sensitivity, and the recognition that you can't really know what it's like to walk in someone else's shoes, so if *a lot of people from another group* tell you to change how you treat them, then change. Only assholes insist that the other people shouldn't be offended.

I work in a restaurant by the way, one that gets a lot of tourists. The easiest way to phrase the question is, "Are you from [this city], or visiting? Visiting? Where from? What brings you here?" See how I can still show interest in their background without making an assumption about their nationality, or ability to speak English?

Dhawk, your admirable script of unassuming questions is probably very effective because it minimizes the chance that you will make a mistake about someone's origin. You would prefer that others live their entire lives without expressing the pretense of their own experiences and judgments. But we live in a diverse, rich world of cultures and languages. And you are in a place and time where people are free to use their understanding of the world to experience it without censorship. So I think your bland, deliberately ignorant restaurant script should not serve as a model for others.
Now, since you brought me and my skin color up, I have traveled extensively in Asia. I have been denied entry to establishments when I was a party of two with my white friend to Japanese-only places. That could be described as a racist decision. In the US, that might trigger a legal and media firestorm. As a Jew living in a rural all-white all Christian small town, I think I know something about racial intolerance.
Korean people are new immigrants to this country. How many Koreans can you name who were born here before 1970? They have a beautiful, rich culture and as Americans, exemplify some of the best things we have. But for you to demand that white people like me pretend to not notice details about recent immigrants is both Orwellian, and also betrays your own insensitivity or disinterest in these people. Dhawk, please do not take the eccentric and writer's-blocked Don Lee as your model. He looks down upon Korean nationals and needs to be recognized as American so he can feel superior to Koreans and other Asians, whom he proudly excludes from his parties. Most proud Korean-Americans recognize that immigration and assimilation is not a single event, but a process over generations.

128: If your "logical" arguments include strawman arguments like this one, they're not as logical as you think. Same with your bullshit in #125 that implies that, unless it's genocide and large-scale tragedy, you're not allowed to complain about it. Bullshit. Mild complaints are the EXACT proportional response to mild discomfort. Unless you can show me where Don compared his experience to the Holocaust or internment camps, your bickering over the exact magnitude of racism behind this incident is irrelevant and dumb.

I never implied that white people can't comment on racism against other racists. My point is that a white person's lack of offense over racism aimed at a DIFFERENT GROUP is not exactly a compelling argument on whether or not something is racist.

Assuming that a group of Asian diners must, by default, be from abroad (despite a lack of accents and a large Asian population here in the US) is not "logical." While foreign Asians (obviously) exist, you would have to establish that literally all Asians are indeed citizens of foreign countries before you can claim that any defense of this waiters' mildly racist assumption is based on objective logic. It was racist. Sure, a cross wasn't literally set on fire in front of their table, but I did some research and it turns out that burning crosses aren't actually required for something to count as racist.

Besides, the author wasn't calling for a pitchfork mob against this waiter. The waiter said something mildly racist, and the author wrote an article that, in turn, described how that makes him feel mildly shitty. Not sure how that constitutes an overreaction, but then again I'm not the type to become breathlessly defensive at the drop of a hat.

So the scenario here is that something mildly racist happened to an Asian guy, he wrote a slightly downtrodden article about it, and a bunch of commenters are taking it upon themselves to angrily tell him that he shouldn't dare be offended. By and large, their rationale boils down to the idea that this Asian stereotype doesn't offend them, so it shouldn't offend Asians (somehow they can't think of annny reason that Asians might legitimately be more pissed off than white people over an Asian stereotype). Other times, like in your case, they argue that unless someone is getting shipped off to a camp somewhere, it ain't racism.

Call me illogical, but I think that whether or not a stereotype is directed at you is going to play a pretty big role in how much you've had to deal with it, how much thought you've given it, and how offensive you find it.

So yes, when two groups disagree on whether or not a stereotype is racist, I'm going to give a bit more weight to the people that the stereotype actually involves than to those who have 0 experience being on the receiving end of that same stereotype in that same context. Especially if those people are essentially basing their argument on their own apathy towards a stereotype that doesn't involve them and erroneously identifying this as "objectivity."

132: Inaccurately lumping in recent immigrants with American citizens because their ancestral race is the same is the EXACT OPPOSITE of "noticing details about recent immigrants." It's IGNORING details (such as immigration status and individual variability) in favor of a disproportionate focus on their blood ancestry. There's a word for that...

When you assume that every Asian you see is an immigrant, you're not acknowledging the nuances of the history of Asian immigrants of the US. If you truly valued that approach, you would simply ask someone where they're from with no pretense (i.e., without asking which foreign country they must be from) and accept their answer, whether they tell you Korea, Wisconsin, Texas, Mexico City, or Mongolia.

That is the difference between ASKING someone where they're from and TELLING them where they're from. When that waiter phrased the question that way, he was effectively telling them where they were from: elsewhere. And inaccurately so.

That Don expects people to avoid lobbing assumptions at him based on his eye shape does not suggest that he feels superior to first-generation immigrants. Nor is it an Orwellian demand on white people to expect them to stop defining non-whites rather than listening to how non-whites wish to define themselves.

OK, maybe we're getting somewhere. I take your argument to be that people of different ethnicity than a complainant have no basis in which they can evaluate his conflict or put it into perspective. So these people (let's call them white for clarity), who seek to understand the conflict and avoid future conflicts, have a responsibility to look for and wholly accept the strongest individual expression of offense available as the most valid response to conflicts. I take this as a summary of your point; is it correct?

No. They do not have to wholly accept the strongest individual expression of offense. This is another strawman. You have to stop resorting to those (and honestly, Don's reaction wasn't even that strong. Again, he's not calling for the guy's head or claiming that his life his ruined).

Obviously, opinions are going to vary within any community. But this objection to assumptions on their citizenship status is very common among Asian Americans. It's not something that only the most over-sensitive people care about. A huge portion of Asian people in the US (Americans AND immigrants) take offense at this.

And that's my point: when a huge portion of a given population has an issue with something, you should assume that there's probably something to it. Even if the connection isn't obvious to people who do not share the experience that the issue pertains to.

#136

"Don's reaction (a published article claiming 'aggression' and 'racism' from his well-intentioned hayseed restaurant servant) was not strong": please explain.

I think this whole thread is misguided, and I'm partly to blame. You and Don think that cultural senstitivity means keeping your mouth shut, fearful of mistaking a bona fide card-carrying American for a loathsome foreigner, and that you've done your part.

It's too bad Don doesn't turn his sympathy toward people who were brought here as children and have lived their entire lives in the USA but are denied status. This is persecution we are all complicit in.

But he'd rather put out books about characters with identity crises to mirror his own typical identity crisis as a Korean having lived in Japan until college.

Eventually I hope this culture will see the differences between prejudice and racism. Prejudice is a natural, healthy, adaptive human approach to uncertainty. We use our experiences to pre-judge what a new situation might be. The flexible, intellect able to do this successfully also grasps probability and variability.
Racism is oppression and denial.
Cultural competence is a course taught to bring functional prejudice to mid-level health care workers.

@andefiance, you're missing the point. Prejudice is part of being human, but prematurely or unnecessarily acting on prejudice is what we should avoid. In this case, what reason does the server have for presuming in his question that the group was foreign, even if that may have been a relatively plausible assumption at the outset? Doing so ignores the variability within a race, and unconsciously denies their individuality and ultimately their humanity. They're Other, and able to be summarized by their superficial characteristics.

It's the same problem with acting on the assumption that because someone is gay, he must love musicals and fashion. It is certainly more common among gay men than among straight men to have those interests, so it's not unreasonable a priori. But how often is it necessary to *act* on that assumption? It usually shows up in a throwaway comment, a thoughtless joke.

Bottom line, though, you cannot experience what other races or minorities do, and so should listen when they try to tell you what bothers them. It's called being polite.

Respectfully, Dhawk, you're probably a very nice person. Maybe even nicer than the other commenter who goes by imaniceperson and constantly derides me with ad hominem attacks.
Thank you for suggesting I listen to people and be polite.

I do agree with you. If you hope that others see you as deeply American, it's annoying to be asked a stupid question over and over throughout your life. But Dhawk, that is not unique to Asians. It's not unique to questions of citizenship. It's not unique to America. Most every immigrant anywhere in the world, at every time in the past has endured stupid questions. But it's not racist and not aggression. I'm sure there are much more vibrant testimonies on the web addressing experiences of people with unusual bodies, unusual styles, unusual voices, fame, gaits, accents, disabilities, facial features, sounds, smells, styles, religious restrictions, and countless other OBSERVABLE DIFFERENCES. When they hear that same annoying question over and over, is it racism? And are you even fit to consider that question if you don't have the same unusual characteristic? You sound like we're describing a subatomic particle. Grow up. Every day, actions are judged, rewarded, or punished by others. It's called civilization.

@andefiance,

Not sure what your point is. No, this is not unique to Asians, nor to America. It doesn't make it right. And no one, not the author, nor those of us defending the article, is saying this is the worst example of prejudice or racism. It is an example of unconscious and unexamined racism picked up organically from the culture; the idea that Asians can't be *really or fully* American. Stated explicitly, I'm sure the server would instantly reject that overtly racist statement; nevertheless, he operated under that assumption when he spoke to them.

But let's put aside the question of whether it "counts" as low-level racism, or a micro-aggression. Can you at least acknowledge that it was ignorant and off-putting? Can you acknowledge that acting from prejudice *unnecessarily* is wrong? Yes, every day, actions are judged, rewarded, or punished by others. This man pointed out an example of a question he and others of non-white heritage get all the time, and how it *mildly* aggravates him. The server's actions were judged to be mildly offensive, and the author implored him and others to stop doing that. Is that not exactly what you call civilization?

Yes, dhawk, I think I've acknowledged several times above that the waiter's comment testifies to his provincial, unsophisticated view of what Americans can look like, and his possibly dimwitted inability to process the likelihood that an American accent implies American origins.
My problem, though is not with the inarticulate redneck who thinks America looks white. My problem is with the decadent irony of Don Lee, who harvests weak, debatable outrages related to his unquestionable citizenship, while ignoring the serious abuse of undocumented childhood arrivals by the USA, denying status, security, and the right to work to people who actually grew up in the US (unlike Lee).

That was the racist incident of which you couldn't let go without spilling an article complaining about your mistreatment? Being mistaken for a foreign tourist? Seriously?

That's one mighty thin skin you've got there.

Anyone here know where Mr. Idontity Crisis was born? Hint: it's not USA, and not Korea.

No, that's not the point. I hope you're pretty, because you're dumb as bricks. <3

@andefiance,

How do you know Mr. Lee ignores those things? And even if he does, how does that invalidate what he admitted was a minor grievance? I don't want to accuse you of insincerity, but what you've done is often referred to as "concern trolling". In other words, you're attempting to dismiss as irrelevant someone's complaint that you've already conceded had merit, because there are worse things in the world, and "why isn't he or she concerned about [the plight of undocumented immigrants, the starving children in Africa, the women being killed or abducted for getting an education]?"

It's a total red herring. Addressing the small things does not preclude also addressing the large ones. If someone is rude to me, and I complain about it, pointing out that other people around the world are being killed does not constitute a defense of the rudeness. It does not make my complaint "decadently ironic" or mean that I'm "ignoring serious abuses."

Don Lee pointed out several times that it was relatively minor, but explained that hearing that all the time is demeaning and hurtful to many, and can be easily fixed by just making people more aware. What exactly is the problem with that?

"Don's reaction (a published article claiming 'aggression' and 'racism' from his well-intentioned hayseed restaurant servant) was not strong": please explain.

Gladly. You see, when somebody makes a common, inaccurate assumption about you based on your race, this is an example of racism (what with the racial stereotyping and all). When this happens, mild hurt feelings are a perfectly appropriate response. He didn't name the waiter or the restaurant, nor did he call for any sort of retribution. Yet again: something mildly shitty happened to him, so he wrote an article about how it makes him feel mildly shitty. In this case, the mildly shitty thing was also mildly racist. According to your logic, mild racism is a special case of shitty encounter wherein the recipient is obligated to keep his mouth shut until somebody gets lynched or else he's overreacting. It's not enough that he responded to the waiter with nothing more than a couple stern corrections (the guy still has his job, for example); apparently, Don even daring to correct a white guy when he's objectively wrong is too much for you. Gee, I wonder where anyone gets the idea that white people have been spoiled by society...

You and Don think that cultural senstitivity means keeping your mouth shut, fearful of mistaking a bona fide card-carrying American for a loathsome foreigner, and that you've done your part.

The standards I've laid out only require you keep your mouth shut if this is literally the only way you can manage to avoid saying something racist, condescending, and stupid (mild or otherwise) to ethnic minorities. And if that's the case, then maybe it's a good idea. The other options include learning up on people before you decide to dictate their own history and immigration status to them. Or, if this isn't too much of a stretch to you, recognizing that they're humans and that their self-definition is not required to take a backseat to the definitions that white waiters "innocently" bestow upon them, regardless of accuracy. Really, if you want to consider yourself "culturally sensitive," I really don't think it's too much to ask that you avoid expecting other races to quietly smile and nod their heads at you as you rattle of condescending inaccuracies about them right to their faces. Even if you're a bright faced young hayseed of a waiter.

Racism doesn't have to have the type of malicious intent behind it that you see in movies like "Mississippi Burning" in order to qualify as racism. A lack of malicious intent is not enough to require all these pesky minorities to just shut their sensitive mouths let us pigeonhole them in peace.

Dhawk, as I wrote that post, I was concerned that you might find it too awkward of a shift ('concern trolling') as you put it. I assure you I don't comment on the web much, and certainly have never before written about such matters to strangers. But I beg you to hear me out. I don't think I'm trolling or that it's at all a red herring. Here are your interpretations of Don's requests:
"[Be] more aware"
"listen when they try to tell you what bothers them
"Stop..mildly offensive..actions"

I agree with you, he wants attention and to make a change. He wants Americans to be sensitive to the possibility that bona fide citizens may look or act different than the way we expect, based on our experiences. I am asking you to look at the larger picture, which includes hundreds of thousands of de facto Americans who are viewed as "Other" not just by people on the street, but by our own government. Those people speak American English, and typically speak no other language, have never left the USA since they were children, work hard, obey the law, avoid trouble, live in fear of deportation, and live in poverty because they are not allowed the jobs that status-holders have. If you can consider their plight, you'll suddenly see the entitled, sniveling, selfish Don Lee wallowing in decadent self-pity and demanding the thoughtful attention of strangers to recognize his potential to be an authentic Korean-American.

I have considered their plight, and think that it's terrible that they're treated this way. It still doesn't excuse the bad behavior of others in different contexts. Just because Mr. Lee has chosen to write this *single article* about this topic, does not make him "entitled, sniveling" and "selfish". If you take it for what it is—an attempt to explain to other people why they would feel upset when a clueless white boy assumes they're not American—it is a perfectly legitimate call to greater awareness and mindfulness of all the ways, big and small, that prejudice can infect and affect us. He's not asserting that his discomfort is on par with the difficulties undocumented immigrants face. He's not asserting anything other than, "some people unwittingly insult us on a daily basis, and it's aggravating."

Again, leave the other topics for another conversation. What exactly is wrong with presenting an offensive encounter, and explaining why it was offensive to people who might never have considered it before? How does that, by itself, assert that Mr. Lee's encounter is "just as bad or worse" than the various problems immigrants encounter, here and around the world? He never mentioned those things. He never talked about any of that. Why? Because that wasn't the point of the article. Did you expect a 500-page treatise on all the ways immigrants and their descendants are mistreated, complete with a ranking of each kind of mistreatment? He wrote about a specific encounter, and didn't make any judgments about its importance relative to other kinds of prejudice, just its effect on him and his peers. You are adding in all the negative connotations, and presuming his indifference to more serious forms of racism. An unbiased reading of the article does not yield those messages.

andefiance: if you really believe that one's suffering has to surpass that of all others before they're allowed to criticize anything, then what are you doing criticizing Don? There are starving children to feed! Wars to end! Put your money where your mouth is and hop to it!

And if you don't believe that rhetoric, then quit bringing it up as though it's an argument. That waiter was either racist or he wasn't. People either have a right to be miffed when people are racist towards them, or they don't. You can dislike violent racism AND mild racism. You can care about nuanced academic discussions of race in America AND famine. You don't have to pick one, so quit basing your arguments on the idea that you do (and show me where Don argues that this incident should be at the tip-top of everyone's priorities list). Just today, I complained about dangerous drivers. I guess, by your logic, this means that I think my walk to work is more important than climate change.

Don expects people to avoid making racist assumptions about Asians they see. This doesn't mean he thinks he's above other Asians or that his suffering is as great as theirs (you need to work on your reading comprehension if you're getting that impression from this article). To pigeonhole everyone who looks Asian together is insulting to ALL Asians, not just the ones that have American citizenship.

You're not convincing anyone that making racist assumptions about Asians is some sort of act of solidarity with the most marginalized Asians in our society. If anything, the nuances of what Asian Americans experience is erased when you lump them all together and assume that their experiences have all been the same because hey, they LOOK the same. That's the opposite of compassion and solidarity. It's a feeble excuse for lazy pigeonholing.

You seem to be operating under some unwritten rule you've made up where writing about something, anything at all, counts as an implicit declaration that it's The Most Important Thing in the World and every other cause and concern can go fuck itself. You're going to have to do a way better job convincing me of this before I continue taking your arguments seriously enough to waste my time on.

One last question, then I'll go (for real this time!): when a black person gets annoyed at people who assume he's in the NBA, do you think that makes him a selfish snob who hates athletes and doesn't care about other issues facing African Americans?

By addressing the public with his complaint, Don takes up our time and energy and assures white people that they're at risk of doing something 'racist' if they don't pay attention and modify their worldview. Rather than focus on more important denials of Korean-American identity (which he is fortunate enough to be spared), he ignores them and spends our time and attention on this petty indignation. He does everyone a disservice, in the hopes of having less annoyance in his daily life. Don has a soapbox and he wasted it on his silly vanity. This is so obvious I neglected to spell it out before, but there you have it.

Look, I feel for Don. He admits to suffering from multiple identity crises. He was born and raised in a collectivist Eastern culture that encourages conformity, where he was undoubtedly mistreated as is so common for ethnic Koreans in Japan. Perhaps living on an Army base in Seoul with his parents exposed him to our Western individualism that you commenters are obsessed with. I demand you recognize my uniqueness! And now he (or maybe his publisher) "feels the need ..to start pushing beyond (racism and identity) .. because we have said our piece". He needs to find some persecution pronto, or poor Don will have nothing to write about.

OK, Bonefish, I'll bite. If a semi-famous black person published an article highlighting the personal trauma of being mistaken for an NBA player, then, yes, I think we might draw some conclusions. For example, he must think that this behavior is a dangerous and common trend, AND ALSO that curbing such ignorance is possible and would benefit society AND ALSO that his article will effectively raise awareness and educate people to not do that. Alternatively, he might hate when others mistake him for a BB player, perhaps because he craves to be seen as some other type of athlete. The latter is a less convoluted and therefore a more probable explanation.

@49: I think you forgot to add "cis" and "heterosexual" to your comment. They are just the WORST aren't they?

So...this waiter who "seemed intelligent" should have known better? Clearly his racial microaggressions should have clued you into the fact that perhaps this waiter wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed and perhaps the fact that he was about 30 and waiting tables. Don't mistake ignorance of the masses with attacks on you or your race. Seems like you guys attacked this poor ignorant waiter. Stop looking for reasons to go after "the help".

#164. I'm humbled by this clear thinking. What anaisninja said.

Bonefish, I read your posts carefully. This is for you. You have advocated for silence on the part of well-meaning Americans when at risk of offending others with potentially ignorant questions. I wonder how you could have ended up so tortured and insecure, lacking confidence in interpersonal communication. I have a hypothesis. Of course I don't know you but please tell me if I'm close.

You notice generalities, patterns, trends along divisions of the world. Young vs middle aged, poor vs middle class, Seattle vs Tacoma, Korean vs Russian vs Indian vs African. But that last one bothers you. The stereotypes your own mind has constructed about people who look different than you reminds you of persecution by racists who may promote or be driven by prejudice. This conflict in your own mind puzzles, tortures, and exhausts you. If you have prejudices, will you empower racists? Will you be seen as racist? Or will you actually become racist yourself? The solution you and millions more so afflicted come up with is to pretend you cannot see, hear, or think about cultural differences.

167: Wow, that's a whole lot of baseless psychobabble. Even you might not be surprised that you missed by a mile. No social insecurities here, and no epic internal conflicts about my own hatred of racism and my own tendency to generalize. Part of why is because I don't expect others to defer to my misconceptions, so if they correct me when I'm wrong, I don't take that as them being oversensitive or "uppity." Instead, I learn from it (and if it sounds like bullshit to me, I might not take it seriously, but this is never based on the mere idea that they have no right to correct misconceptions). Another part of it is simply because, contrary to what you believe, not everybody generalizes other races to the extent that would lead them to balk at the idea that some Asians are actually US citizens. Most people have the humility (not to be confused with insecurity) to avoid putting that much faith into their generalizations.

And yet again: I haven't advocated for silence at all. I'm getting very tired of explaining the very simple difference between "staying silent" and "thinking before you speak." These two are not at all the same thing (it's becoming more and more clear to me that reading comprehension, mixed with a grotesque sense of entitlement, is your problem here).

Especially since "thinking before you speak" isn't something I'm advocating as some sort of Orwellian law. Say all the ignorant shit you want, to whatever ethnic groups you please. Go nuts.

It's only a practical "requirement" if you want to avoid saying something stupid, racist, or downright inaccurate to someone who might then embarrass you by correcting you. If you do say something ignorant to someone, they are perfectly justified in correcting you. This only equates to "silence" if you are both ignorant and lack the humility to deal with the idea that someone might refuse to pretend that your every word is a gem of wisdom.

You are the one advocating silence with your convoluted, nonsensical arguments that ethnic minorities are obligated to keep their mouths shut when slighted by whites unless they can justify the global importance of their anger to your personal satisfaction.

So far, every single one of your posts goes from what is not true to what does not follow. It's getting boring, frankly, just watching reason slip in one ear and out the other as you merely jump from one feeble excuse for arrogance and ignorance to the next.

… Or we can go with your ridiculous little theory that ignorance of cultural nuance is the result of giving cultural nuance more thought. Boy, this waiter sure is something: a simple, innocent hayseed who is merely ignorant of the nuances of race AND an enlightened being who is above our petty belief in individual variability among members of each race, all simultaneously rolled into one!

You came from all around the country for a literary conference. Then you assembled an exclusively Korean group for a night out. That sounds just a little racist to begin with. You claim, "overt racism—slurs, bullying, discrimination—isn’t something we experience as much as we used to." That's because you are the perpetrators, not the victims.

Hi Bonefish. Thanks for your response. Sorry that my writing is often terse or otherwise unclear. I learned more abouthow you think and agree with some of it. I am curious though. I like that you write "I don't expect others to defer to my misconceptions, so if they correct me when I'm wrong, I don't take that as them being oversensitive or "uppity." Do you think Don Lee feels that way? Don misconceives that he appears obviously American to strangers. And he earns your sympathy by lashing out at the stranger. Or does your approach only apply to you and other whites?

Well, firstly, I really don't think Don "lashed out." If you pay attention in the article, nothing about his reaction seems extreme or punitive; it's not like he poured a bowl of soup over the guy's head or called in a manager to get him fired.

Second, I don't think the onus is on Don to appear "obviously" American to strangers. It's a known fact that the US population, despite having a white majority, is essentially multiracial. Therefore the idea that some races are "obviously" American and other aren't is inaccurate. So Don's insistence that he's not obviously a foreigner is not a misconception; the misconception lies in the belief that his looks are inherently foreign. Hence, the waiter turned out to be wrong, didn't he?

Asian Americans are diverse enough that no single blanket assumption should be given universal confidence, and denying that diversity is the problem here. It's dehumanizing.

And yes, I expect everyone to avoid blanket generalizations of other groups that ignore within-group variability (at least, in order for them to expect to avoid having those generalizations corrected when they're inevitably aimed at someone they don't apply to), not just white people.

I get that it's annoying when someone who is not your race asks you "where you are really from" but c'mon, you're writing this elitist so soo offended rant about racism when you've probably accepted it from older generations in your family. So it's acceptable when it's woven into culturally homogenous societies, but omg never at a restaurant? I understand that this article is important for posterity, to have that moment of "This is not right I am Asian American, my nationality American, and you can not do this to us" (thnx btw), but for the general progress of racial dialogue, not that groundbreaking. The whole unknown race/identity/nationality/heritage/culture smorgasbord has SO MANY DEFINITIONS. So how can you possibly lump an infraction against any one of those categories as automatic racism? I'm a Korean woman. I don't have to say Korean American. I can't tell the difference between a Swede and Swiss person. Am I prejudiced? No. At what line do we define it as racism? when we are not minorities for ivies? When your enlightened writer friends have to degrade a server while cooly sipping wine? At what point is your article enlightening and what parts are bullying?

Btw, my husband is a part-time server and a begrudging 20% for a large party, great service, 1 dummy comment doesn't make you any one racial acceptance type, it just makes one CHEAP.

I get that it's annoying when someone who is not your race asks you "where you are really from" but c'mon, you're writing this elitist so soo offended rant about racism when you've probably accepted it from older generations in your family. So it's acceptable when it's woven into culturally homogenous societies, but omg never at a restaurant? I understand that this article is important for posterity, to have that moment of "This is not right I am Asian American, my nationality American, and you can not do this to us" (thnx btw), but for the general progress of racial dialogue, not that groundbreaking. The whole unknown race/identity/nationality/heritage/culture smorgasbord has SO MANY DEFINITIONS. So how can you possibly lump an infraction against any one of those categories as automatic racism? I'm a Korean woman. I don't have to say Korean American. I can't tell the difference between a Swede and Swiss person. Am I prejudiced? No. At what line do we define it as racism? when we are not minorities for ivies? When your enlightened writer friends have to degrade a server while cooly sipping wine? At what point is your article enlightening and what parts are bullying?

Btw, my husband is a part-time server and a begrudging 20% for a large party, great service, 1 dummy comment doesn't make you any one racial acceptance type, it just makes one CHEAP.

And i hope to whatever deity that your books are better than disappointments delivered by 'asianally groundbreaking' chang rae lee. there are times when u need to stand ur ground and there are times when u realize that the zuckerberg kids will be half asian and the second round of murdoch kids already are. That alexander wang and vera wang are major players.that all sci fi characters in the future speak chinese. that even people on welfare have samsung galaxy phones.

This comment thread is a lot easier to read through if I presume everyone involved in it is doing so satirically.

#180 Thank you for concluding that it's not racism, just prejudice.

You know what's racist, Don? The fact that you don't have any non-Korean friends, and you think it's an insult to be considered natively Korean.

#184: "no uncelestial he never said that, think before you lie"

It's immaterial whether he said it. Of course he's not going to say "I didn't know any non-Koreans at this conference, for some reason." But there was a literary conference, somehow (at least according to the illustration) this guy has 9 friends who are Korean, even though it's a gathering of authors from all over the place. Why? What are the odds of that? I couldn't put together a group of 9 of my friends who all work in my profession and have them all be my race, and I'm white -- not Korean, which is a subset of a group that makes up only 14% of Seattle's population. Self-selecting friends based on race because "it's comfortable" is racist, no?

I'm not saying they deserved to be singled out, mind you, or that the optics of their gathering should have given anyone pause -- I'm saying what right does this guy have to throw stones when he doesn't even bother making friends with, or offer to socialize with, non-Korean authors? And what shame is there, truly, in being actually from Korea vs. living here? How is it an insult to be compared to someone who doesn't live here? Isn't that a bit elitist?

As a "fox news wacko ...coming out of the woodwork":
1) I respect fellow Korean and Japanese nationalists defending their identities and cultures in their countries.
2) I do not have respect for human species projecting their identity confusion on others.
Confused individuals will suffer less if they receive help from specialists, not the general public.
As my fellow Indian nationalists put it: life works in cycles.
We, wackos, are patiently waiting for the pendulum of multiculturalism to swing back.
And watching France, the 1st country to awake.

#189: Cool post. I already addressed points #1 and #2 in mine, which also takes care of your rant about me trying to shut down the objection to being asked that, because I'm not doing shutting anything down. I can see that striking one as weird to be asked when you're native. On the other hand, it's also weird to only have Korean friends and to be born and raised in America. And I didn't see sufficient address of that issue in this thread. Your big statement on that is: "If he wants to do that it's his business" -- sure, but it's also racist. This guy grows up here and somehow nobody of any other race interests him, even though they were growing up in the same place at the same time? Okay.

In a lot of ways, the waiter is giving these guys the benefit of the doubt. It is not the norm in America to have a large group of friends who are all one race and are all American -- not that it doesn't happen, but it's not the norm. It's far more understandable, and less racist, if you *are* coming from another country that is more ethnically homogenous. I'm blessed to have a wide diversity of friends - why would I invite only the subsection of them that is of my race to any social event?

Note: You're not going to make many friends assuming someone who has an opinion that differs from your own is a troll, so I would knock that off.

#191: The main thing I have to say that hasn't been said is that you, personally, are a paranoid moron who doesn't seem to be able to handle people having different opinions than you without attempting to dismiss them on made-up rules of conflagration that you invent on the spot, or by summarily judging them as a troll. You should get out more, breh

Clueless whiteguy here. Sorry if I missed this, after post 100 it became a bit TL&DR...

Anyway, say someone is curious as to the ethnic origin of the person or persons they are speaking to. What is the most appropriate way to discover their heritage without coming off as a clueless white guy, or worse, kinda racist?

Or did I miss the point? (again, clueless) Since white people have been responsible for much of the worst race-based atrocities in recent history, and are thereby inextricably tied to and stained by that history, then perhaps no white person should ever make an inquiry into the ethnicity of another person, no matter how tactful?

They assert power and privilege, demarcating who’s an insider and who’s an outsider, who’s normal and who’s abnormal. a few members of the group needled him about his earlier comments, but they did so teasingly, not (too) belligerently, and he played along, laughing. They assert power and privilege,Another poet arrived later and someone told him what had transpired. He asked the waiter if he’d actually said what he did. The waiter nodded, and the poet said, “Man, that’s kind of racist.” The waiter drooped his head and slunk away. They assert power and privilege, He was an excellent server—friendly, attentive, and swift—and at the end of the evening, as requested, he patiently took photo after photo of our group. They assert power and privilege, We didn’t really begrudge having to leave him a 20 percent tip, which was automatically tacked on to our bill because our party was so large (okay, maybe some of us did begrudge it). I’m not interested in seeing him reprimanded or, God forbid, fired.

They assert power and privilege, demarcating who’s an insider and who’s an outsider, who’s normal and who’s abnormal. a few members of the group needled him about his earlier comments, but they did so teasingly, not (too) belligerently, and he played along, laughing. Another poet arrived later and someone told him what had transpired. He asked the waiter if he’d actually said what he did. The waiter nodded, and the poet said, “Man, that’s kind of racist.” The waiter drooped his head and slunk away. They assert power and privilege, He was an excellent server—friendly, attentive, and swift—and at the end of the evening, as requested, he patiently took photo after photo of our group. They assert power and privilege, We didn’t really begrudge having to leave him a 20 percent tip, which was automatically tacked on to our bill because our party was so large (okay, maybe some of us did begrudge it). They assert power and privilege,I’m not interested in seeing him reprimanded or, God forbid, fired.

imaniceperson, you have such respect for individuals and diversity. just curious, can you give me an idea of your travels? Or languages, or cultures you've studied? Might give some context to your confidently expressed opinions.

Sometimes I come to the Stranger just to troll myself.

This is a comment for Gern at #9 in comments.

So because someone serves food for a living that makes them less intelligent? You are beyond clueless. Most servers I know have a degree and choose serving because it pays better than any of the jobs they could get with said degree. Really I find your comment more offense than this silly article.

If you are going to pass judgement on someones career, please educate yourself.