@199. I said IF one is curious, not that it's foremost on one's mind.

I was trying to ask an honest question and you found a way to get it twisted.

I reread your comment a few times and I still can't tell how you got there. Maybe the story and comments put your head in a warped and myopic space.

Btw, where your people from?

@202: Sometimes I think that's the only reason I come here.

A few comments above have sort of gotten at this, but it seems yet to have been clearly said: the mistake both the waiter and Lee have made is that of being presumptuous. I remember Don Lee, who taught my creative writing class at Macalester (hi Don), as being a nice and pretty understanding person and yet, for a somewhat complex and maybe not totally obvious reason, he was annoyed by this waiter. He also wrote a book (Country of Origin) featuring a character who's in the service industry, suggesting that Lee might actually have not only sympathy for, but something of an understanding of what it's like to be a server. And yet, he's temporarily forgotten these sympathies and made a little blunder.

It is possible that the waiter is generally a decent human being, maybe even with the mental capacity to understand racism, bigotry and oppression-by-a-thousand-cuts. It is quite possible that this waiter has an obvious immigrant in his family, that he's got an Asian partner, that he's an assiduous reader of pop-social justice blogs. It is possible that this waiter was exhausted (not because he was smoking pot, but because waiting tables can be hard work); it is possible that he was distracted by something going on in the kitchen; hell, it's possible that he had another table full of diners who all had thick, Bukharan accents and had been waiving around their Uzbekistani passports and he got the tables confused.

It is possible that this waiter made a stupid mistake, that when called on it, he was too flummoxed to think to simply apologize, that he was at work and thus in waiter mode, which means acting upbeat all the time, or just that he misread the situation and the party having initially laughed suggested to him that this was a lighthearted moment and a somber apology would ruin his clients' mood.

Or maybe he really does need to be taught a lesson, but I sure wouldn't presume any such thing. Presumption is what got him into trouble. Why repeat his mistake?

145 and 154
seems I'm often misunderstood here. I brought up the issue of legal status for foreign born adults living in the USA since childhood because it involves the SAME core conflicts that Lee brings up on his soapbox, except it has real consequence for many people, rather than just inconsequential annoyance. You might say, fine, but it's a separate issue and he's describing something else. The problem I have is that he is asking for our attention to effect a cultural change to defend his feelings, when he could use the same arguments to defend the rights of nonwhite, English-only, USA-raised, statusless people. In this light he can be seen as a self-absorbed narcissist.

Don Lee, you wrote that African Americans are told: "You don't act like you're black." People of different racists and ethnic groups cause us to lay unique images on them. That critter "acting" black is different from that dude or broad "being" Black.

To "be" black, African Americans would have to speak a unique Afrikan language. If they speak only a European language -- as 99.9% of African Americans do -- they'er locked in the European world; can't understand anything unless it's brought to them in the European language that they understand; and the European world is a white world.

There're tens of thousands of black-skinned people in the USA whose dress, religion, names, and customs show that they prefer an identity with Arabs. Others, though they, too, are black-skinned choose names and languages that identify them as tag-alongs to the English, Spaniards, French, and Portuguese.

"I wish he could’ve grasped why his remarks were so objectionable, why Asian Americans are still so touchy about questions like “What are you?” and “Where are you from?” and “No, where are you really from?” when we were born here, when we’re as mainstream as anyone could be. No matter how long we’ve been in this country, we keep being regarded as foreigners, aliens, people who aren’t real Americans—the possibility precluded solely on the basis of our Asianness."

So why the fuck didn't you tell him? The microagression here isn't the assumption that a group of Korean-Americans might be from outside the country, it's all the passive aggressive bullshit that didn't do anything to resolve your problem for you. Sorry, but upon reading the article, I have less and less sympathy for the author and his cohorts, and more and more sympathy for the waiter that didn't do anything wrong.

And fuck the term "microaggression".

"I wish he could’ve grasped why his remarks were so objectionable, why Asian Americans are still so touchy about questions like “What are you?” and “Where are you from?” and “No, where are you really from?” when we were born here, when we’re as mainstream as anyone could be. No matter how long we’ve been in this country, we keep being regarded as foreigners, aliens, people who aren’t real Americans—the possibility precluded solely on the basis of our Asianness."

So why the fuck didn't you tell him? The microagression here isn't the assumption that a group of Korean-Americans might be from outside the country, it's all the passive aggressive bullshit that didn't do anything to resolve your problem for you. Sorry, but upon reading the article, I have less and less sympathy for the author and his cohorts, and more and more sympathy for the waiter that didn't do anything wrong.

And fuck the term "microaggression".

Ask Goldy about his "Think Diffelent" witticism from back in 2012.

http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archive…

He's the reason why I stopped reading the Stranger. Only happened here today because of a cross-post about SPU.

It can get old always having to explain yourself to people who make assumptions. Since the waiter was kind, and attentive, I'm sure the group didn't want to make an evening awkward. After all, they were just enjoying themselves and unexpectedly found themselves having to explain themselves as "The other." It wasn't a designation that they sought. The author clearly pointed out that he didn't want to make the waiter's day crappy. But it does call for a larger discussion on how all of YOU people "other" folks who don't look like you.

I'm Alaska Native and I get the same questions. "What are you?" And "where are you from?" Most of the time people believe that I am either Asian or in other parts of the country, that I am Latina.

Once on a radio show, trying to do an announcement for a Native arts fair, the radio host kept trying to engage me on a discussion about Indian gaming. Almost nothing I did could steer the conversation back to the topic at hand. His name was Dick and so when I finally said well, DICK (big pause) I'm here to talk about the fair, not about casinos....Then I could finish my statement.

If it was a group of all Swedish people or of all Saudi Arabians, or any homogeneous group and the waiter asked that question, would that too be microagression?

Yes, the waiter should have known that you were not a tour group based upon his previous interactions with your group. But I got to tell you honestly that when I see big groups of people of all the same nationality (especially Asians)wandering and dining around Seattle, I kinda assume that they are tourists. And I don't believe that assumption has anything to do with racism.

It would never cross my mind that they they were (as in your case) a Korean exclusive professional group. But now I know.

And usually, in these discussions, as with this one, Native Americans are left out. You want to see racism? Go to any story about changing the name of The Redsk*ns. It is a racial slur, but people find their damned sports so important that marginalizing an entire race and culture is supposed to be 'okay'. We are told to shut up, sit down, 'get over it', and all manner of other garbage and rationalizations. Don't believe BS polls that tell you 90% of us are OKAY with the name, or you desecrating sacred items like the headdress (which is something you EARN...you have to earn each and every feather), or the pipe (it's NOT for smoking weed). I was never asked in these polls, no one I know was asked in these polls. You can find a poll to go whichever way you need to fit your argument. Imagine being told to 'go back where you came from', or seeing the "Pocahotties" on Halloween. Black face is not cool, yellow face is not cool, but red face? Sure, go ahead...the Indians are all dead, right? We are stereotyped and caricatured by media and Hollywood even today. We are reviled as bloodthirsty savages, or romanticized as the noble warrior. Sleazy fringed outfits, and assholes like Wayne Coyne who gives a 'fauxpology' to Rolling Stone, then goes on to desecrate our culture further. Then there are the new age idiots who think they're so 'in sync' with us, see the crystals? But suggest to them they really learn or immerse themselves in the ways of our people, and "EW, no! I won't go to reservation, that's gross! I'm just going to continue chopping up your culture into manageable bites, smash 'em all together, and claim to be a shaman! And CHARGE for it!" We have the highest rates of alcoholism, drug abuse, domestic abuse, suicide (especially in our youths), rape, and lowest life expectancy. We're forgotten, except when we speak up, then they pretend they never heard us before (the mascot issue has been going on since the 60's), and then they tell us to shut up, they'll tell us when to feel insulted. Racism in any form is WRONG, but no one wants to face it head-on, or realize that maybe the way they think, feel, or act towards someone who is 'different' might just be wrong.

I always wonder if what I say is hurtful or not because sometimes I ask the same questions merely to try to relate to the people I talk to. Where are you from? If the answer is the US, I pry a little further in hopes of finding out if they have closer ties to their heritage. I spent half my childhood overseas and adored some parts of the cultures of the places I lived. Many of the kids I went to school with had mothers who were Korean, for example. We noticed a pattern of slapping from our mothers. It also happened that Korean soap operas had noticeably more slapping than the American ones. So this was a connection for us, a conversation that led to a friendship. Is it wrong/hurtful/racist to ask if a person has lived or spent time in their country of ancestry?

test

It's kind of pathetic that the author allowed this to annoy him so much. I'm going to throw out another stereotype: English majors have way too much free time on their hands. As a young homosexual black man I have learned you cannot live your life obsessed with these insignificant events.

We are all citizens of the world.

Agree with last 3.
Behold 201. I have killed our troll!

Don, as a first-generation Malaysian-Chinese immigrant living and working in a predominantly white country, I am aggrieved and offended after reading your article. Your article reeks of the elitist sentiment that I have experienced from many foreign-born Asians - the refusal to identify with other Asians of the same ethnic origin but from a different nationality.

Unlike you, I have no problem telling someone "where I'm really from" when asked, and proudly as well I might add. My forefathers were immigrants from China themselves, and I do not have a problem stating this fact either - For me, there has always been a fine line between your ethnicity and your nationality, and while your nationality may change, your cultural roots are one that you can't dispose of.

I happily indulge in 'stereotypical' Asian behaviors and activities - think walking around the house barefoot and the occasional bowl of noodles - tendencies that are frowned upon by my foreign-born counterparts as FOB-by (Fresh Off the Boat) behavior that reinforces prejudices and impedes them from assimilating into their predominantly white communities.

And yes, I do identify myself as a 'Citizen of the World'.

Was the waiter in question ignorant? Yes, absolutely, for being unable to accept that there are people of Korean descent born in America. Racist? Probably not. In fact, I applaud him for not assuming that only Asians who have grown up in English-speaking countries speak perfect, unaccented English.

I'm sorry Don but in this case there was more than one person in the room indulging in racist microaggression - and it certainly wasn't the waiter.

Don, as a first-generation Malaysian-Chinese immigrant living and working in a predominantly white country, I am aggrieved and offended after reading your article. Your article reeks of the elitist sentiment that I have experienced from many foreign-born Asians - the refusal to identify with other Asians of the same ethnic origin but from a different nationality.

I find that many foreign-born Asians are quick to dissociate themselves from Asians born in their country of origin, as if being lumped together with this group will subject them to racist stereotypes and prejudices.

Unlike you, I have no problem telling someone "where I'm really from" when asked, and proudly as well I might add. My forefathers were immigrants from China themselves, and I do not have a problem stating this fact either - For me, there has always been a fine line between your ethnicity and your nationality, and while your nationality may change, your cultural roots are one that you can't dispose of.

I happily indulge in 'stereotypical' Asian behaviors and activities - think walking around the house barefoot and the occasional bowl of noodles - tendencies that are frowned upon by my foreign-born counterparts as FOB-by (Fresh Off the Boat) behavior that reinforces prejudices and impedes them from assimilating into their predominantly white communities.

And yes, I do identify myself as a 'Citizen of the World'.

Was the waiter in question ignorant? Yes, absolutely, for being unable to accept that there are people of Korean descent born in America. Racist? Probably not. In fact, I applaud him for not assuming that only Asians who have grown up in English-speaking countries speak perfect, unaccented English.

I'm sorry Don but in this case there was more than one person in the room indulging in racist microaggression - and it certainly wasn't the waiter.

"In other parts of the country, we might still gird ourselves for people thinking we—an all-Asian group—had just stepped off a tour bus, but not here. "
Micro-aggressive much?
Projection thy name is liberal.

Oh, I think he did "get it", after all the comments and put downs your group gave the waiter - he slunk away, head down, didn't you say???

Yes, insensitive, not aware of his clients, and surely must be a chore for your group to put up with.... but.... do you realize the guy probably mistook your big group of all asians for a group of Mainland Chinese, probably as someone above suggested, maybe off the cruise, but anyway, visiting your city.

You can deduce, from the waiter's initial behavior, a group of Chinese tourists visiting the US for the first time coming to his restaurant is much more common than a group of ABKs, no? And the visiting Chinese tour groups, I'd hazard to guess, with their limited English, limited international travel experience, enjoy the type of banter the American waiter was initially engaging in.

Although, the Chinese are probably not that used to a 20% mandatory tip, being tacked on their bill. A policy perhaps implemented by management btw, because, otherwise the Chinese tourists would not be so generous or may not leave any tip to a server (tips are not given to servers in China).

But rest assured, your group got the message across to your server.... I bet he will try to be more sensitive to try to discern the cultural semantics of the next big group of Asians he serves.

I was in a restaurant. by the Space Needle, when I overheard a waitress asking a group of Native Americans whether they were here for a convention. Think about that one for a while.

A while back I was in a Seattle restaurant when a group of Native Americans entered. The waitress asked them whether there was a convention in town. Think about that one for a while.