1. Cirque du Murrây Soufflé Buffet Mystery Dinner Theater
Overview: It's a multiuse dinner-theater arena with a paintball maze, a sheep-petting zoo, and 30 brand-new Skee-Ball machines. It will also have a sports-book gambling quadrant and nine miles of electronic track for slot car racing.
Specs: Each evening starts with some light appetizers, such as bacon-wrapped dates, and $19 vodka sodas. The play begins, as do mild skate-park activities. Train sounds are pumped throughout. It's Murder on the Bertha Express. An actor playing the inspector announces, "Someone in this tunnel has committed a murder, and no one is leaving until we find out who did it." Toronto mayor Rob Ford is lowered in and pumped full of crack cocaine. You can hunt him with an elephant Taser gun for a price. Actors do scenes, while butlers mingle and serve crackers with Gouda and pimento spread. All of the butlers are short and bald, and one of them is Jeff Bezos. You don't know which butlers are actors hired to shave their heads every day and which butlers are butlers who just happen to be bald and which butlers are Jeff Bezos. Likewise, you don't know which sheep are real and which ones are actors in sheep's clothing. If you don't like the way a butler/Bezos is serving your crackers, you can pull out your automatic paintball weapon, which you rented for $85 when you came in, and splatter the butler/Bezos with bright-colored pellets that cause bruises and welts on contact. Then you can dive behind a padded baffle. All butlers wear protective goggles. For a nominal fee, they will engage you in a paintball skirmish. This is a gold mine.
Downside: The smell of sheep.
2. Giant Conveyor-Belt Sushi
Overview: You sit there, and spicy tuna and spider rolls slowly roll by.
Specs: The largest conveyor-belt sushi ever constructed. There's not another one that even comes close to being this big. You take a napkin and write "Fuck your mother in the eye socket" on it, and you prop it up against a cucumber roll going by to see if it can make it all the way around.
Downside: It takes two days for the sushi to go around. Also, the conveyor belt may get stuck forever. You will never find out if your note makes it.
3. Giant Penis/Wang
Overview: The tunnel is made up to look like the inside of a giant penis.
Specs: It's just covered with peach-colored carpet. Like the inside of a van. With some tubing for veins. For $99, you can put on a white sperm suit and get shot out of a circus cannon into a dumpster full of foam cubes made up to be an egg. (VIP members can get shot out as many times as they like.) For $999, you can shoot any city council member you like out of the circus cannon.
Downside: There are no downsides.
4. Dentist's Office
Overview: A really big dentist's office. But it's like a normal dentist's office. They have six or seven chairs and minimal office furniture. Bad nature art on the walls, like a lake with geese taking off. There is one coffee table in the middle of the whole tunnel with science magazines on it. You sign in on a clipboard at the little sliding glass window where a receptionist sits. Then you have to walk like a tenth of a mile to sit at the waiting-room area where the coffee table is. The bathrooms are half a mile away.
Specs: When you're finished, you get a new toothbrush, a thing of floss, and a travel-size tube of toothpaste.
Downside: You thought there'd be more pizzazz (or gusto?). It's a dentist's office where an interstate was going to be, 60 feet underground. They could at least have a picture of Bertha on the mini-toothpaste. Or have it say, "Since Bertha isn't digging, she can help you fight cavities," or something.
5. Svalbard Global Priest Vault
Overview: The tunnel is purchased by the Catholic Church as a solution to the problem of molester priests. Because they don't like punishing the priests, the Catholic Church has decided this is a workable option: a place they can stash the priests and not have to worry about any more children being abused.
Specs: It's designed like summer camp. There's a smallish man-made lake called Lake Ponchatoo or Lake Algonquin where they can canoe. There's an arts and crafts hut. They can do archery. And they sleep in bunk beds. Each priest has to do his share of kitchen duties and trash detail. No meat is ever served, only tofu. Most priests want meat, though. They may start warring for food and eating one another. You can safely view activities from the Starbucks Priest Viewing Platform and SkyBar. The latest aquarium-glass technology. It would sort of be like the Lingerie Football League, except it would be priests eating other priests. Reserve a table today.
Downside: After a while, the priests will resent being there. Why can't they just be reassigned to another parish where they can continue to freely molest children? They want to molest unmolested, like priests have done for thousands of years. Lake Ponchatoo sucks: It's only like three feet deep. They're sick of archery. They're sick of Tofurky and cannibalism. Collective frustration builds. Within six years, the surviving priests are like rats in a cage. Diseased, rabid, molesting one another, and shitting on one another's pillows. None of which will harm the rest of us, thank God, unless feces-borne disease spreads from the tunnel into the water table and wipes out humankind.
6. Fill the Tunnel
With all the money already spent on it, and then people could throw it around like piles of leaves in the fall.
Illustrations by Joshua Boulet