Welcome to college. Welcome to Seattle.

On a related note: College is terrible and Seattle is terrible.

Wait! No, they're not terrible, but they are full of people, and people are the worst—full of shitty, unsolicited advice that's way more about them than it is about you. In many ways, the most important thing you can learn in college is who to trust and who not to. For example, don't trust anyone who tells you it matters that the previous sentence didn't read "whom to trust." They're correct, but that doesn't mean they're right.

Do trust The Stranger. Always. Pick up a copy every Wednesday. Make thestranger.com your home page. Want to see a show? Find out what's happening in the news? Learn where and how to properly insert a butt plug? We are the only Seattle media outlet you will ever need.

Is anyone else going to tell you how to seduce a professor? We will. You're welcome.

You may have noticed that Seattle is full of restaurants, more restaurants than you'll ever be able to visit, and full of foods you've never heard of and might be scared to eat. Our food critic Angela Garbes is the best there is, and the 10 places she thinks you should try are here.

We also have a list of clubs you can get into if you're under 21.

If you're intimidated by the idea of cooking for yourself, see here.

As for drinking, you'll never find a more knowledgeable expert than Kelly O, who goes out all the time and crowns someone Drunk of the Week in each issue of The Stranger. This week's Drunk of the Week is here, and Kelly's advice about having fun with booze—without going over the edge—is here. (Trigger warning: If you're blacking out regularly, the edge is behind you.)

If you prefer to inhale your intoxicants, Brendan Kiley has all the weed advice you'll need.

Since most of college is writing papers, and since writing is awful even for people who are paid to be writers, Rich Smith, former college writing teacher, has some advice.

If you are a woman, Rachel Kessler has advice about using your breasts for power and magic.

You need to know how our city works. Our city hall reporter Heidi Groover has you covered. And while your dumb friends are walking in circles trying to make their parents angry, you'll learn the most effective and provocative forms of activism by reading Sydney Brownstone's piece.

And if you are a post-college adult feeling jealous that all these asshole kids get to be all excited and engaged by learning—Kathleen Richards has a few ideas about classes you could take.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves. Start with Emily Nokes's comic. Find it in print. Tape it to your wall. The advice in it will be valuable for a long time.

Welcome to college. Welcome to Seattle.

Here's hoping we can make it a little less terrible together.


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