And this time you didn't get away with it. Now comes the arduous task of writing a public apology that, while pretending to accept partial responsibility, doesn't actually make an apology at all—but gives the impression you (maybe kinda) did! To help, here's a one-size-fits-every-harasser boilerplate apology statement from our experts at Mandate Image Rehab... where all you have to do is fill in the blanks! You're welcome, men!
To the people I've hurt, I truly want to express my [regret/sorrow/personal discomfort/confusion] about the pain I [allegedly/am told I/definitely] caused when I [groped/grabbed/tickled/assaulted/verbally abused/made lewd remarks about/installed a secret button in my office to trap] the women I have [worked with/collaborated with/stalked on the street randomly/called menacingly at home demanding nudes].
In fairness to myself, I did not realize that [walking around the office in my open bathrobe/asking interns about their sex lives/requesting that young employees massage my shoulders/whipping out my dick for no reason] would be so upsetting to some, nor that it wasn't just a fun joke for all.
In fact, my recollection of what happened is different from that of [the accuser/my employees/my friends who told me to "knock it off" many times over]. I mean, I'm not sure I even remember it at all? Did it really happen? Who knows! I was [drunk/high/under a LOT of work pressure/going through a divorce] at the time. Or maybe I was actually on vacay or at jury duty? I mean, are we even sure it was me?
Regardless, my deepest regret is that my actions have negatively impacted perceptions of my very serious [movie/TV show/book/political career/high-profile media job]—and I'm so very thankful for those who have [supported me/protected me/kept my indiscretions on the DL/still talk to me/represent me in court/offered me a book deal, to be published in 2018].
I've had a lot of time to reflect in the [two days/seven hours/22 minutes] since these stories became public, and a good opportunity to take a hard look at my [troubling/grotesque/all too human/youthful/frankly damning] flaws. Which is why I ask for your patience, and to consider my feelings at this challenging time for me. I am so [sad/devastated/shocked/confused/perturbed/weirdly proud?] right now, especially since I actively tried to avoid and bury these accusations for years. It's disheartening that the well-deserved fame I've rightly gained from my incredible [movie/TV show/political office/play/music/book/artisan soap-making business] has cast me and my [coworkers/family/pets/female friends I DIDN'T harass] in such a poor light.
To be honest, this experience has caused me to do a lot of [soul-searching/self-examination/calling crisis-management agencies/pouting dramatically for show]. I choose now to live as a [Nice Guy™/pariah/professional online gambler/guy with a memoir coming out in 2018, so save the date!].
While I refuse to use the words "I'm sorry," I will commit to reflecting on my actions, and promise to be far more careful in the future to avoid getting caught.