Features Feb 14, 2018 at 4:00 am

Here are some tips and my condolences.

Illustrations by Derek Erdman


Having been born at Ballard hospital a million years ago, everyone I meet is *new* to Seattle. Stop trying to define the city. Just shut up and be a decent human being.
I was born at NW Hospital and lived on "Cap Hill" for 14 years. I guess that gives me the right to call it whatever the fuck I want.
I haven't owned a car since moving to Seattle over 20 years ago and I'm still alive.
The Stranger endorsing car ownership? Seriously? I moved here at the same time as this author and I have never owned a car. I pay less on lyft each month than my friends pay on monthly car insurance alone. It’s expensive to park everywhere, probably including where you will live. Public transit is mediocre, but getting better and it’s better for your soul to tune out to a podcast on the bus watching the world go by than silently curse traffic in your single occupancy vehicle. Ride share, car share, and bike share is everywhere. Most of the neighborhoods where newcomers are moving to are very walkable and increasingly bike-friendly. Do not get a car! Bug your wealthy friends with cars to take you out to the mountains instead and/or use zip car!
Bitter and newly divorced. You aren't biased at all.
I was born in Maynard Hospital and I found this funnier than shit.
I thought we got rid of Erdman.
Seattle is obsessed with dogs and bikes even though only 3% of the city actually bikes to work
@5, You're not car free if you use zip car, ride share, car share or bug friends to take you places with their car. You use the car, you just don't own it and your life insofar as getting around would be severely crippled if you did not have the option of a car via friends, shares, or rental to get to a far away place.

As a non native/long term resident, I like Dicks Deluxe burgers, but cream cheese on a hot dog is an abomination.
FYI "This isn't your neighborhood" means "What the fuck you gonna do?"

Sounds like the dude read you to a tee.
Seattle has taken a turn for the worse over the past 5 years, but I’m curious where in the Midwest is better. There are decent pockets, but I couldn’t live there.
@7 Yep
@13 I'd say the road to this point was pretty obvious starting around about '93 or '94. But, yeah, I too have noticed a general maturing of the driving forces, as if thousands and thousands of well-meaning, and increasingly high income, lefty-liberals have voluntarily jacked themselves into a Matrix-like grid so developers can parasitize their life force. What's left feels less and less organic. But, weirdly, I'm on the flip side from the young people I've talked with recently who love it here and also can't figure out a way to afford to stay. I can't afford to move. On the other hand, I've been enjoying Seattle more the last few years, while simultaneously feeling like someone transported from another time and place.

Minneapolis/St. Paul is the only place between here and the east coast I would even consider living - MAYBE Austin, but that would entail living in Tejas, and I'm not sure I've got the stamina or patience for that.
Fun story about your life, but it's not the life of the new Amazon guy you're nominally talking to. The people he meets do not believe in vibes.

Midwest: I recommend Pittsburgh, and I'm not kidding.
@17 @18 can you really deal with 4 months of snow each winter? and not like, the fun stuff, the ruin-your-car-gotta-build-a-special-room-in-your-house type of snow.
@16 It seems to me that a key element in arriving at a critical mass of kind of creativity you are talking about is an environment with some form of cheap housing.
Oh fuckoff back to Kansas, you sourgraped whineboy.
Almost Live! did it better: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HLIpuTuR…
Okay, here goes.


Been here 10 years, which makes me a fresh off the boat immigrant to some folks around here, but fuck 'em. I pay my taxes and keep the peace.

@11 Quit being such a Seattle pedant. The connotation of "car-free" is "not owning a car". Of course car-less people rent Zip cars, call Lyft, get rides from friends, etc. etc. Like I have for the past 10 years. And Mr. 5 is spot-on...podcasts and headphones are a Godsend for those interminable bus rides. As long as you can score a seat. Oh, how my arms ache holding on a bus bar for an hour and half during rush hour! You just don't understand the First World Problems I must endure!

In conclusion: I LOVE SEATTLE. And your whining about how Seattle sucks makes me love it even more, like a puppy you like to kick around. I prefer to pet it. Did I mention salmon, Holy Mountain beer, the 520 Bridge bike 'n' stroll trail? SEATTLE RULES THE WORLD. And I don't use all-caps frivolously, I'll have you know.
I was born in Northwest Hospital a zillion years ago. The last 5 years of boom have indeed been shocking, along with the lack of affordable housing. Seattle is not what it was when I was a kid.
@15 & @16: It's interesting to get your views on how neighborhoods are changing with the influx of newcomers and generations.
@18, I agree about Pittsburgh. But also, it is not the Midwest, it’s considered East Coast.
Seattle is (in the minds of Millennials and GenZ) a tech super-city where there's money to be made. Gone are the days that made it a GenX haven. Times change. And Seattle was a city ripe for change, catalyzed by the Great Recession, Amazon relocating to SLU, the rise politically correct niceties of Fakebook and Twatter, Macklemore's hipster anthems, pedophile Ed Murray's mayoral cronyism, the Seahawks winning the Superbowl (and subsequent commercials luring millennials to Seattle), and the legalization of marijuana. All these played a massive part in making a new city culture. And whether you can except that or not is 100% your prerogative. There are other wonderfully creative cities (yes in the midwest) that are cheap and beckoning for new blood, like Pittsburgh, Cincinnati, and San Antonio. Just remember that these places ARE NOT Seattle, therefore leave your precious pooches (aka: children compensators, parentile dysfunctors, lesbian lemmings) at home and not in restaurants or grocery stores.
I was born in Seattle and inoculated myself early in life by living in SE Virginia (Officer Basic Quarters and strip malls), Kuwait, rural Japan, Tokyo and Taipei (the latter locations as a teacher). I love it here, there are tougher places out there to get by.
Derek you rule.
I know your trials well.
I loved the genx ruins of post 90s apolocalypse seattle. The cheaper rent, the music and the clubs.
Although I'm younger than you, being from the northwest i had a feeling of belonging to seattle and had pride in my shitty city until all my male friends in bands who ever slept with a woman (even their own girlfriends) got "#metoo'd" on face book and every negative fake lesbian with too much to think about after their long hard day at the bar spending daddys trust fund drunkenly decides to weigh in heavy on strangers lives.
I decided to leave the cold damp land of the birthplace of the court of social media as well.
I hope it crumbles into the puget sound and maybe amazon could market it as a really hip aquarium.
Good luck growing up you neon haired perpetual pre teen (future aquatic mammal) idiots.
If you are thinking about moving to Seattle be forewarned!: most of the residents are from somewhere else -- and they brought their Racism and uptightness with them!

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