MOST FUCKABLE WHITE-HOUSE OFFICIALS
The surveys are in, the responses have been tabulated, and we begin with some shocking news: Many Stranger readers find Sarah Huckabee Sanders fuckable. It must be noted: When we asked readers to rank eight members of the Trump administration in terms of fuckability, Sarah Huckabee Sanders had not yet said that the Bible justified ripping children from the arms of their parents. Only among gay men did she not rank in the top three.
The only group of people who voted Betsy DeVos into their top three were trans women. Trans men had the same top-three preferences as cisgender women, except that Sarah Huckabee Sanders came in first place. Here are the top threes for four different groups of people among our 8,776 respondents:
SEX ACT WITH DONALD TRUMP
Across the board, Donald Trump came in last place on the fuckability index. However, we also forced respondents to name the sex act they would perform with Trump. "Pee in his eyes" was the clear winner. Second place: "Pee in his hair."
SLEEPING WITH LYFT DRIVERS
SEX ON WHEELS
ORGASMS ON AIRPLANES
NUMBER OF SEX PARTNERS
The most common response among all respondents was "fewer than 15" people. But among gay men, "I don't know—numbers don't go that high" was the most common response (a whopping 35 percent). That's right: More than one in three gay men have no idea how many people they've slept with.
FORCIBLE KISSING AND RAPE
A horrifying 2,230 people told us they have been raped (26 percent of all respondents). Twice that number—4,489 people (52 percent of respondents)—told us they have been "forcibly kissed without consent." Only 202 people (9 percent of the respondents who've been raped) said they'd reported their rape to authorities.
FUCK, MARRY, KILL: TECH BRO EDITION
Overwhelmingly, respondents said they would marry Jeff Bezos (43 percent) and kill Peter Thiel (43 percent), probably because Bezos is rich and Thiel is a Trump supporter. (Even though Thiel is gay, 51 percent of gay men would kill him.) This meant most people resigning themselves to having to fuck Mark Zuckerberg—even though no one really wants to fuck Mark Zuckerberg. He only got 33 percent of the "fuck" vote.
MOST POPULAR KINKS
For more insight into the different kinds of kinky people, see the story here.
SEX WITH ANIMALS
Just shy of 70 percent of respondents chose to have sex with a centaur if they had to have sex with an animal. Among non-mythical creatures, dolphins won. But among landed creatures, dogs are considered more sexy than horses, sheep, cats, and pigs combined. What?!
Wait, so who are these people who want to have sex with dogs? The majority of them (51 percent) are cisgender women. The next largest category (37 percent) are cisgender men. Please, just don't do it in the restaurant where the rest of us are eating, okay?
ARE TREES SEXY?
Whoa! Almost a third of all people (slightly more than 30 percent) have seen a tree that they thought was sexy. No wonder that "sexy tree" Facebook group The Stranger created is so popular.
BI BY THE NUMBERS
2,055 respondents told us they identify as "bisexual" (out of the 8,776 people who took the survey).
MONOTONY. I MEAN, MONOGAMY.
44.63 percent of all survey respondents said they want "to be monogamish" when they're in a relationship. 42.93 percent said they want "to be monogamous." 12 percent said they want "nonmonogamy." For a breakdown of this data by gender, click here.
of all respondents have had a sex dream about a family member. You can't blame them—literally. They were asleep!
55% of people who have worn diapers in an erotic context are men (49 percent cisgender men, 6 percent trans men). Only 2 percent of people who have worn diapers in an erotic context are lesbians.
WILDEST THINGS YOU'VE DONE IN THE LAST YEAR
✅ "Hid under a desk to get face fucked."
✅ "Fucked on the top level of the parking garage by the Triple Door while some guys watched from a balcony across the street."
✅ "Filled a crockpot with paraffin wax and lavender oil and my partner ladled it over my naked body."
✅ "Had a guy cum while frotting between my thighs, grazing my butthole, while I fucked my wife."
✅ "Finally visited Seattle's nude beaches."
✅ "Had intense sex with my girlfriend while a raccoon watched through the window."
✅ "Weekly nude volleyball."
✅ "The man of my dreams ate me out for like an hour and a half solid while cooking beets. My legs were jelly afterward and I literally couldn't walk."
✅ "Fucked a guy bent over a bar while the bartender and patrons watched."
✅ "Fucked my twin brothers."
✅ "Filmed my girlfriend giving me blowjobs and fucking on I-5 while driving and in the rest areas all the way up to Bellingham."
✅ "Got fucked on a boat in the middle of Lake Washington."
✅ "Role-played with a local domme that I was a Trump supporter she caught wearing panties. She then pegged me to teach me a lesson."
✅ "A visit from a jerk-off buddy while I was recuperating from orthopedic surgery and couldn't walk. Masturbating and edging for two hours while he pretended to be a wartime nurse. A-MAZ-ING."
THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
"A gang bang in the remodeled observation deck of the Space Needle."
"Bisexual piss orgy."
"Airplane sex, I guess. That airplane question made me feel like I'd missed something."
"Fuck a grandma."
"Watch my wife lustfully sleep with another man."
"Fist myself while sucking my toes."
"Sex in the forest in Scotland."
"Fuck a major league baseball player."
"Find a long-term sex slave for my wife and myself."
"Make my own dungeon in the spare room."
"Getting swallowed whole."
"Fuck Chris Pine, Pratt, and Evans."
"Fuck one person from every continent. Only South America to go!"
"Direct a film and submit it to HUMP!"
"Start an ethical sex cult. Something small and not isolating like harmful cults, but with metaphysical rituals and elaborate titles and holidays."
"Find a true-blue bi guy for me and my guy to have sexy fun times with on a consistent basis."
"Bang a centaur."
The online survey that produced these results was completed by 8,776 readers of The Stranger. Of those, 49.5 percent identify as cisgender women; 41.3 percent identify as cisgender men; 8.24 percent identify as genderqueer, nonbinary, or other; 0.55 percent identify as trans men; and 0.34 percent identify as trans women.
No matter who you are or how you identify, please consult a doctor before attempting to have sex with a centaur.