Features Apr 2, 2009 at 4:00 am

A Complete List

As originally printed Photos by Kelly O and Mike Wilkes

Comments

202
I appreciate the part about "People Who Claim to Be Afraid of Clowns".
203
BAH!!! Ab-so-fucking-lutely. My favorite part is the part where people miss the joy in any literary moment. THAT is just so cool. Oh...no...GOSH I am so sorry but it isn't.
204
I have the attention span of a chimpanzee on zanex (see chimpanzee rips of woman's face, youtube) yet I made it all the way through this very special article. Soooooo good.
205
Thanks Lindy! Can I get this in a coffee table book?
206
People that "know" whether or not God exists.

Or, for that matter, people that like to pretened that Science has all the answers.

Guess what??! If scientsist knew everything and were never wrong, there wouldn't be anymore scientists...

207
Loved it! Spot on. Especially liked the ones about clown phobias, mean bloggers and evolution-haters. The clown phobia hit home for me. My ex-BFF felt compelled to develop a "cute" quirk for nearly everything imaginable, including her pregnant-women phobia. Not only that, but I had to listen to her blather on about herself and make the sale to everyone in the immediate vicinity (or across the bar or in the bar across the way...whoever is within earshot) for why her personality quirks were so fun and cute. It's one thing to hear her spiel once or twice, but I got to hear it every time we met new people or went out for a drink. All the while, all I could do was sit their with my mouth shut, because who can get in a word edgewise with someone so in love with themselves? After you've heard someone describe how fascinating their psychotic quirks are for the millionth time it gets really hard to take. Hence, we are no longer frenemies forever.
208
yawn
209
p.s i hate survivor man
210
its already been said...

but i love you too.
211
This is the best thing on the internet. I hope you don't mind this being quoted forever.
212
so good.
213
God invented scientists
214
I don't know what "Best Of ___ Writing" book this would fit into, but I hope it gets to live there.
215
Thank you for finally stating the falling down the stairs is a real danger. That sort of thing is totally taken for granted.

ps. elephants cry.
216
Ewe people who don't get it and talk about sheep are so very funny to me, and thank you! Oh...and BAH! HA ha ha ha haaaaaaaaa...
217
Thanks Lindy, but don't forget when I got the clap because I had to share a catheter with Kevin Bacon. That was cruel hard.
218
Your article made that dump i took this morning just that much better. Keep it up. :)
219
hobo:
1. One who wanders from place to place without a permanent home or a means of livelihood.
2. A migrant worker.

so a hobo is some one without a home that travels from town to town for work.
220
I had to hold my sides and stifle my laughter so as not to wake the sleeping people in my house. Thanks for the laughs, you big, fat, raging hiptard! ;-)
221
This is one of the best things I've ever read, in the Stranger or otherwise. This is better than 99% of the shit in the New Yorker. You truly are gifted. I coughed up a lung laughing. Even the title is brilliant.
222
Great! The only other writer on the subject of absurdity of human existence that's this good is Albert Camus, coincidentally in a publication called The Stranger.
223
Awesome. What a great idea. What about: People who give you the stink eye for no apparent reason other than you're having more fun they are.
224
Huzzah!
225
Wow, 100+ comments amounting to "I love you Lindy, can I bear your children?" Do people in this town like to jump in line or what.
226
I love this list but I have more: People who call themselves "environmentalists" yet they smoke; People who fart in public and look around or stand there as though nothing happened; People who do pilates to lose weight; People who step out in front of your car-Hey, even though there's a crosswalk: car, BIG, MOVING, METAL, MACHINE.
227
this brought smiles and laughs, thank you. I can really say I get the point and I love you too...but in a friendly social kinda way not a creepy guy at 7-11 kinda way...
228
Why does Bill Paxton miss the point? He was the only one who knew when demons were among us!

Oh, and everyone who likes the Beatles, puppies, Stephen Colbert, pizza, Van Gogh, etc. is a SHEEP!
C'mon, people, there are some things that are so objectively good that everybody likes them. Liking something popular does not automatically make you a sheep.
229
Go, Lindy, go!

Thank God and Goddess that my cat's too old and plump to jump up on the counter!

But I do keep him and my apartment clean.

p.s. I love you, three.
230
Old pigeon feeding people?!? Ever thought they might deliberately be aiming to create a carpet of birdshit for you to walk through. Seems they are not as dumb as all that...
231
Please move George Burns from the "Notable Old People" column to the "Notable Dead People" column.
232
you're stupid and I can't believe that you are getting paid to write this drivel.
233
Lindy West, I think reading your writing makes me a funnier person, sort of like how cleaning up vodka with a paper towel makes it a more appealing paper towel.
234
what about "doctors who don't believe in evolution"? ooh yeah... they do exist and do they ever get my goat..!
235
APPARENTLY THE ONLY KIND OF PEEPS IN DA WURLD ARE ITCHY STUPID HIPSTER-PUN-KRANK-FUCK-WANKS.

I WISH DERE WERE MORE PEEPS, AND THAT OLD DUDE IZ SOOO BORED. HE'S LIKE "WTF BITCHEZ, WHY DONT U TOKE OR DO FUN SHIT?" AND THEY R ALL LIK "FUK U DAWG, WE IZ HELLA COUNTERCULTURE. HUH HUH, THAT SHOULD BE THE NAME OF A BECKETT PLAY, HUH HUH."
236
I loved this!
237
What about the kind of people who wish they could get a date with Lindy but can't and that makes them sad :(
238
LOL @"People Who Don't Believe in Evolution but Love Antibiotics"

More seriously, this actually isn't too much of a contradiction. Since it unfortunately describes most people in America, it's how we end up with things like MRSA.
239
People who can't think of a decent idea for a column?
240
people who got suckered into reading this from a punk rock blog
241
"People Who Are Pretty and Smart and Funny and Nice" are WIZARDS!
242
i'm pretty sure clowns ARE scary. that's why they end up in just about every horror movie and also are frequent molesters/serial killers.
243
"Human nature, Mr. Allnut, is what we are put in this world to rise above!"
244
Perhaps the British just lack the capacity to love Yanks. Some kind of bitter genetic memory maybe?
Also, what's with these people who comment just to say how shit they think something is? Surely they are some of the most miserable cunts on the planet.
245
More please.

Love, Sean.
246
I love it , so true
247
Fucking awesome, I laughed out loud the entire time! Thank you.
248
People who believe in the tree squid.
249
What about: People who don't realize that SMART people who believe in a higher power do so largely beCAUSE of their appreciation of science.

And: People who state that a higher power cannot exist as though it is a fact WHILE calling people close-minded who don't believe in aliens.
250
SNARKALIOUS!!!
251
Who the hell would give money to a hobo? You give them food IF they look legit, but never money. They could either be a con artist or just end up spending it on drugs.
252
...and then when in the tingly clutches of an Ouzo induced hot Greek waiter love trance, one can become a shrill-laughing clown that falls down the beyond dangerous island stairs to the terrace where, btw, one can still at that point be propositioned by Greek attendants and then wake up with no breakfast Sprite or good TV because London is far away (ps the boob-tube is how the Brits give us love) and still by some wizardly-god-science pull together a special hooker-hobo style that gets ones almost vomiting self packed and off to the next departure line headed for another pigeon poop town.
253
Best. Article. Ever.

Thank you.
254
Definitely the very best thing I've read in awhile. I love it, thanks!
255
Holy fart. Epic hilarity.
256
Ridiculously entertaining.
C'mon people, laugh and get over yourselves; you know this is true.
I felt as if I was watching a History Channel or Animal Planet documentary in print.
Bravo Lindy West, bravo.
257
hehe i loled...and i have nothing witty to say. :)
258
Is there a taco bell around here?
259
I didn't read anything about nose picking. Nose picking has to be in there.
260
I think it shouold clowns/dolls.
261
you dont have to be pretty and funny and smart and nice.

but you can definitely have my babies
262
This is absolutely fantastic. Made my day bearable.
263
Amazing! Seriously too damn funny! Thanks for a great laugh.
264
This was so much fun to read and SO TRUE! I especially love the part about "people who pretend to be afraid of clows and people who studied abroad in a 3rd world country"
265
Oh,and I also agree...there needs to be a section about people who talk about moving back to "Cali" all the time.
266
Amazing.
267
I HATE the word Whimsey and all associated with it! Somebody,(other than me)finally said it Thank you, you totally get me, let's hold hands!
268
I thought this article was boring as shit. I don't know why I read it.
269
How about: People with no sense of humor that cream their pants over mediocre writing.

"The best thing on the internet."
Jesus.
270
Awesome. You made me smile several times while reading. If only you were able to see them (I'm a stranger).
271
P.S. I've been victim of the "hobo" debacle as well. It's annoying.

You may want to add to the list the people that pronounce "supposedly" as "supposably."
272
This is the stupidest thing I have ever read in the Stranger. Why was this printed?
273
The funniest, laugh-out-loud thing I've ever read....in ANY newspaper!!
274
See also:
People who are Librarians
People Who Get Tribal Tattoos and Have Never Been in a Tribe
People Who Dye their Pets' Hair

[fantastic article, by the way. absolutely in love.]
275
This was wickedly funny except for the toss-away line about Asians. Why is that there?
276
Love you too.
277
I was having a shitty night and this made me laugh really hard. Thanks.
278
The best thing I've ever read. Please write my wedding vows.
279
Fuckin' babies, always missing the goddamn point.
280
The cover story? Seriously?
281
Love, love, love this. My only complaint is there are more "types" you haven't tapped in to ... could this PLEASE be part 1 of 2???
282
p.s. The random LOL that people put in the middle of a sentence... that totally irks me. Right on, LOL!!1
283
You know who believes Sasquatch just MIGHT exist? Jane Goodall. Yeah, the scientist one. She's still on the fence.

Otherwise, right on, sistah!
284
This is one of my favorite things I have ever read in the entire world. Thank you for all eternity for writing something brilliant and awesome. Also, pitbulls are nice.
285
It just goes to show, you can't be too careful!
286
"People who aren't gonna tell you how to do your job, but..." and then tell you how to do your job.
287
Jesus, there are some funny commenters here. I just reread all 250,000 of them, and laughed my ass off all (or most) the way. Thanks for writing this, Lindy, and getting all this shit started. You & Savage Dan make my day, just about all the time.
288
Bravo! Made my day. Well done!
289
I WAS going to say this is the best thing I ever read in the Stranger, and the dumbass commenter at position #1 beat me to it! YOU FAT BITCH!

Just kidding!

Seriously tho- best ever! And I read A LOT!
290
You are perfect.
291
the stranger is only interesting when it's drunk...
292
This made my day. I sent this to all my Friends Who Get the Point. But I didn't send it to most of my friends because they fall into the category of People Who Miss the Point. Also I am friends with lots of babies but I don't blame them for not getting the point.
293
To the Christian guy way up there...I don't think denying the existence of God counts as "hating on Chrisitians." That's like saying denying the existence of Pepsi is a statement against people who like Pepsi. Whether there is or isn't Pepsi is the issue. I consider myself a Christian - a sinner, nonetheless, like all of us - and I am not offended when people deny the existence of God. Disappointed, sometimes. Afraid for their souls, maybe. But it's not a personal affront.

I think may have missed the point...oh, drear. Better look into getting that Eeyore tattoo. Great work, Miss West. You are funny and talented.
294
this article was so funny! How about "People who think that they are so incredibly intelligent, when it is so obvious to the rest of the world that they are the biggest dumbass on the face of the Earth". I have one of those individuals at my job. Kinda sad, actually.
295
this article was so funny! How about "People who think that they are so incredibly intelligent, when it is so obvious to the rest of the world that they are the biggest dumbass on the face of the Earth". I have one of those individuals at my job. Kinda sad, actually.
296
I havne't laughed this hard in so long. You took the thoughts right out of my head and made them funny. Thank you!

- Janina, Seattle, 26
297
RE: People Who Don't Believe in Evolution but Love Antibiotics

This has been my favorite frustration for a long time. Thanks you for making it so funny when it is actually really, REALLY scary. See Religulous if you haven't already.
298
i never write comments on blogs, but felt compelled to do so now because this is hilarious. i have sent a link to all the people i know who will think the same thing, then they will be as overjoyed as i am. thank you.
299
hysterical.
300
How about 90% of the educated population that do not know the difference between "your and you're" and "there and their" and the list goes on....LOVE the article...one of the funniest things I have read this year...masterpiece!
301
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