Conspicuous Consumption

How I Became the Sort of Person Who Can Eat 23 Spring Rolls in Two Minutes


This was riveting! And I just have to say, as someone who once at 32 cupcakes in one sitting in fourth grade (while ostensibly home sick from school), I can totally relate.
I asked people to read Eli Sanders' Was This House Worth Her Life? and Jen Graves' Black Kids in White Houses, but I never expected to be profoundly moved by an article about Paul Constant stuffing his face. However, this is going to be the third Stranger feature that I try to get lots of people to read so I can talk about it with them. Congratulations on the article, if not on the contest.
I'm with Enjua, I've already forwarded this article on to several people just so I can talk about it with someone. Very funny and very compelling.
I heart you Paul... I am sending this to friends as well, Congrats!
for a 'puffy, sprawling alt-weekly' piece this is pretty damn good, Paul. "I'm eating dinner at your house!" is hilarity itself.
Congrats, you magnificent bastard!

The most I ever ate in one sitting was something like 30 oranges. By accident too, I was just sitting outside watching the lake and eating oranges and next thing I know, the bag's empty, and it was one of those large burlap sacks of oranges. Weird. How'd that happen?!?
Nice, thanks for sharing. I just read a book last night called "Unlikely Passages" by Reese Palley that contained the first treatise I'd ever read on how puking up your food can actually be quite awesome. How strange to see the same topic the next day. I really enjoyed this, your humility is humbling.
Nice, thanks for sharing. I just read a book last night called "Unlikely Passages" by Reese Palley which contained the first treatise I ever read about how vomiting up all your food can actually be somewhat pleasant. How strange to see the same topic the very next day. I really enjoyed this, your humility is humbling.
help! I refreshed and refreshed, no comment. Please delete the second one?
dear paul- i ued to shop at the meadow glen mall, pre 2000, very ghetto. My auntie lived in the apartments next to the mall- medford penthouse, certainly a move up from being near tufts. nice shoutout to rossi. what a douche.
A feature with a Decision at its ending. That is nice. The description is so vivid that I feel I ate the greasy, vertiginous mass myself, and now I must go vegan for 3 days
to rid myself of it. Btw, did you read in NY Times about the lawyers' Burger of theMonth Club? They're asses.
It was also nicely written.
My record is 47 fish sticks in a single sitting. That was a bad afternoon at daycare.
Back when Mark Wahlberg was Marky Mark!
Paul Constant is dweamy.
Fantastic article, Paul. I think it's a instant Stranger classic.
I enjoyed reading this so much
Oh, Paul Constant. You are boss as fuck.
Paul Constant, you're adorable.
This is great. I'm such a fan.
I can eat 50 eggs.
oh sweetie. Everythings going to be ok.
Hot damn! What a story. You had me reading quotes out loud and reenacting scenes for Margi.

By the way, you may have won that hot dog eating contest we once had, but I was the only one with the balls to drink the water they were boiled in. HA!
Loved the article -- but what I loved even MORE? The photo that accompanied it! So funny, I couldn't stop laughing and had to show a bunch of co-workers.. the triumphant look on your face, the Superman T-shirt, the headline .... so great.
I am disgusted with eating contests which waste food by stuffing the overfed. Why not a contest to see who can get the most food to homeless children or who can cut their energy usage? Best recycler or who can cut their carbon footprints the most? Do we have to show the world that we are the pigs they think we are?
This is the best article I have ever read (and I'm not even done reading). I relate very well to each experience and thought, though I will have to say that puking (horking!) is completely ametuer, though I do understand not wanting chicken fried steak in your system. My rule is only contest eat something you'd eat anyway.

Ted - SF, CA

Undefeated in eating contests:

2009 Marin County Fair Vermonster champion (team, but I carried them)
2007 826 Valencia Pie eating (had to slow down to not embarass the competition)
Way to go, Paul! Great story! Best wishes.
"I'm a force of nature, I'm Katrina witha wiener" LMFAO
Nice win, and hilarious imagery, then I watched the video.

Good job trashing that god-squad jock-geek Huard, what an annoying fuck, he was an overbearing self-important piece of shit the day he hit UW Campus.
His brothers, remarkably were cool, and way better
quarterbacks. Brock has always been a fraud, wait 'til he inevitably runs for local office!

Nice to see the geek-writer triumph!
The book was better than the movie, and the movie was pretty good.
Paul Constant: Is it an actual job requirement that you have to look like a dweeb to work at the Stranger? Wow. I would hide these shots.
Congratulations! I'm so proud.
. . . hilarious coverage, paul bobby . . .my gut hurts from laughing . . .
Should this really be the prominent article on the stranger online?? I could care less, self indulgent bullshit..
this article gets an a+
First the greatest ever movie review written - for Crank 2 - and now this?!

Paul! You're becoming one of my favorite Stranger writers, keep it up!
The more we learn about Paul, the more disgusted we become. Paul treats an event to raise money as a real competitive eating event. I can't read SLOG anymore. When I see Paul's name, I get this uncontrollable urge to vomit.
@3: You can't read SLOG anymore. Noted. Cool.
Paul, great article. Hilarious. And wonderful that someone who once publically doubted his own manhood (in _another_ great article, btw) bested the famous quarterback in a feat of physical skill! And as for trash talking, "I'm eating dinner in your house!" sets a new standard. Having said all that, can I just say that eating contests kind of gick me out? My issue isn't really the sanctimonious "conspicuous waste while people are starving" thing (although that's part of it.) It's more like "eating is a great pleasure, like sex, while competitive eating is more like a two-second hard-core filmclip running on endless loop." So by that token I suppose then I come round to end back on a high note: when it comes to non-stop all-night teeth-rattling pornographic grinding, you totally bested Huard.
Er, re @38, I meant, "@37", in first line.
@25 it takes all kinds oberon- piggies and kitties and puppies and bunnies...
As a loomingly huge leviathan of a man who would never in a million years enter an eating contest, I applaud you. That was a great great article.

I've eaten 6 dozen oysters at one sitting, but that was just because I was hungry.
Wow I live down the street from the Old Country Buffet in Medford. Oughtta go down and see what's shakin'
I laughed so much at this story I nearly had to go puke behind the mall. Thank you for deciding to chipmunk.
Paul, I picked up the latest Stranger to read on a long bus ride and this article was not only far and away the highlight of the entire issue, it was the only thing worth reading at all in the entire issue.