Five Rough Drafts

A Few Articles I Tried to Write That Didn’t Pan Out

Comments

1
5 STUPID ARTICLES THAT DIDN'T WORK CRAMMED INTO ONE DON'T MAKE THEM SUCK ANY LESS. WHAT'S THE MATTER , DO TOO MUCH HEROIN THIS WEEK TO EVEN "PHONE ONE IN"?
2
I like the ghost flying out of the flying penis.
3
That was awesome, Lindy! I love you, and I hate everyone and everything!
4
Pandas are not bears they're..
Oh who gives a shit about any of this.
5
This is the front and center story for today?

Just pathetic, c'mon Stranger, you're better than this.

Save the narcissistic hackery for the bottom of the page.
6
Your Andre the Giant should be drunk, and asking the wine steward why they don't sell vino by the barrel. Dude was THE world champion drinker.
7
It's like TV that I read and I LOVE IT
8
The bears one was kind of funny, but got lame real quick. I was kind of a fan of the andres. maybe you should go watch some movies and then tell us about them...
9
Are you sure you were not channeling Wm Steve Humpy for some of this?
A lot of fun, thanks.
10
I too admire the ghost-spewing penis angel. Very much in awe of the way you put together the Andres.
11
And for everybody that the stranger employs, a hundred others kill themselves.
12
Pandas are too bears! The scientists had a big scientist meeting and re-admitted them to beardom. It's true.
13
You're correct in all those stories Lindy. All the haters get a Honey Bear stuffed into a suprise orifice.
14
As I sit here in the waning twilight on the slopes of Mauna Loa, I thank you for the humorous rantings the made it possible for me to spend a moment laughing before return to finishing my latest novel. Bravo!
15
Wow, it’s like a mental turd that just won't flush. It just keeps circling the drain, much like this once vaunted paper.
16
@15 TRUE DAT !
17
Why is there a ghost coming out of that flying penis?

That is basically the most terrifying thing.
18
i like it when the stranger doesn't pretend to be a real newspaper. =)
19
I love seashells. I love things with seashells on them.

Your writing makes me happy.
20
A few comments I tried to make but ultimately determined were a waste of time:

Your writing gives me a heada

Couldn't you have fucked at least one famous per

Such a gay site and a discussion of bears fai

Your "friend" can now tell people about this aborti
21
Nicely done. By sheer number of comments you at least got some people thinking. Keep calm and carry on!
22
Nicely done. By sheer number of comments you at least got some people thinking. Keep calm and carry on!
23
I love you Lindy West!! The Panda Bear peehole comment is pretty much the best thing I've ever read. You fucking rock.
24
@ CLetus, deep belly laugh thx
25
Good try, but even the magnificent Lindy West can experience the occasional bad day.

Now, for some really good stuff, the best vids of the 21st Century:

[Swedish Prosecution Authority on Wikileaks’ warrant: Weird]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLy2UOaA0…

[Chris Hedges]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bYCvSntOI…

[Russ Baker v. George Bush: Family of Secrets]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=03ZkqfRsi…

[The Federal Reserve]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTUY16CkS…

[Media and Propaganda]
http://metanoia-films.org/watchonline.ph…

[Must read economics paper which clarifies where the economy disappeared to:]
http://michael-hudson.com/2010/07/from-m…

26
So Lindy West thinks she can get away with dissing pandas in the latest issue of The Stranger, does she? "A lot of people think panda bears are the best, but I think panda bears are boring and they have a bad attitude"? Bullshit, dude, bullshit! We, Rosemary's Baby Pandas, do now hereby declare WAR ON LINDY WEST!

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/page…
27
Hey Rosemary's Baby Pandas, I wanna click your link but you gotta be a registered commenter for links to work.
28
Look, I agree that it's kinda cool and funny to do metaarticles about how much you suck at writing articles - but now that half the Stranger staff have used the trope recently (Brendan Kiley on how he couldn't write a review for that book, Paul Constant about how he couldn't find a title for that movie review, Dan Savage on how he's giving bad advice cause he's on drugs, etc.), maybe it's time to drop this scene?

To be fair, this was still better than that one about the popes.
29
I thought this idea sounded stupid, but gave it a shot anyway, because of how deeply some of Ms. West's writing has touched me.

The bear part was funny, but honestly, I expect more from Ms. West.
30
Frizzelle,

Log onto Facebook and search for "Rosemary's Baby Pandas." Then you shall know the glory of our ruthlessly ironic ursine onslaught!
31
Dear Lindy West:

No. That did not work.
32
Please tell me why Lindy West has a job when so many others do not?
33
this is a fucking crime. do your job.
34
Awesome except for the celebrity sightings one. But it does raise the question of whether pandas are actually bears or not. I tend to say "no." Aren't they more like cats?
35
OK, this is one of my favorite things ever now. Lindy, I love you so much. In a totally platonic way, of course.
36
"It's okay—later that winter I got back at my "friend" by telling everyone about her abortion. Ha-ha!"

Ha-ah, right on. You sure showed her up! That was really mature of you to slander a friend because you are too stupid to wipe bird shit out of your eye, then passively blame her for your getting teased by other people. WTF.

Your ignorance astounds me.If that other article bashing this one didn't link to here, I never would had read that tripe. And FYI, after the seashell "story" I quit reading.
37
@36 - Numberone - do you really think that happened? Do you really think that polar bears are virgin grizzlies? Are you stupid?
38
Just so's Lindy's column wasn't a complete waste, if you happened to be ticked off at the fascist posturing and actions of America and other countries, contact Swedish prosecutor Marriane Ny at the email below.

marianne.ny@aklagare.se

And Swedish Justice Skarhed promised an investigation was in order as to why prosecutor Maria Kjellstrand unlawfully leaked Assange's dossier to the Swedish tabloids.

Ask her what's become of that investigation?

anna.skarhed@justitiekanslern.se

And evil Tableaux Software, which pulled its software license from Wikileaks (making life considerably more difficult to disseminate all those incriminating -- and verified -- documents, should be contacted at:

cstolte@tableausoftware.com

efink@tableausoftware.com

jmackinlay@tableausoftware.com

39
THIS ONCE PROUD PAPER THAT I SWEAR I HAVE READ SINCE ITS INCEPTION HAS BECOME A CESSPOOL OF HUMOR, MOCKERY AND INFLAMMATORY REPORTING AND NO LONGER SUITS THE PROUD STANDARD OF "THE STRANGER"
40
Dear Lindy:

So many comments are from people who either hate you, or pretend to love you. They may be pretending to hate you as well, but only they are not so sure. But I am sure. They do not understand the REAL Lindy West, the woman who has given so much to Seattle to be the woman she is today. They wish only to tell their friends, "Yes, that is Lindy West passed out on my couch. I know her well. She is MY friend. I am HER friend." They lie! They lie so that they may bask in the heat of your flame! Hear me Lindy, I will never denounce you to Justice Skarhed! I say to the world, "I am HER friend!"
42
i dug that article; I thought it was funny and clever, and had a good concept, too. And do you ever notice how some people always comment negatively on stranger articles, but keep on reading anyway??
43
I thought it was great. Really.

Just something weird: I have an unnaturally strong crush on Bill Nye. Sorry to hear he (somehow) didn't look right at an airport.
44
Was it a slow news week? Is that why this made the cover?
45
Wow. What a waste.
46
Pardon my ignorance, but it would seem to me that Lindy West is either:
a) a foul-mouthed eleven year old girl
or
b) mentally retarded
I'm stumped...
47
Grr! I hate it when people take a lighthearted approach to their work! I want my money back!
48
Ah! So THAT'S what you do with your unpublished rough drafts--publish them! I love it.

Very funny stuff. Favorites were seashells and grizzlies.
49
I'm glad this nonsense wasn't printed. Everyone knows that apartment bears aren't invisible... they're just very, very stealthy.
50
@43: That's not weird. He was one of my Future Husbands in middle school. Rose Last name-name of crush-Nye-Duchovny. My nerdery knew no bounds.
52
I vote for Expose! and My Dinner With Andres.

53
I don't know what it was but this article made me feel pretty good overall, like reading an entry from my gurnal.
54
This is a hilarious dump of poo. I love it, but the celeb one got boring.