What I Want to Know Is Why You Hate Porn Stars

What Is It About Us that You Don't Like?

Comments

106
I have the utmost respect for anyone -- male or female -- who works in the "porn" industry.

I mean, let's face it. Porn wouldn't exist if there was no market for it, but that's not something "normal people" want to admit. (And frankly, people who won't admit to being sexual and having sexual desires shouldn't be classified as normal.)

So my answer to the question posed by your subject line is... I don't hate porn stars. If anything, I love you. Not you personally, because we've never met, but you know what I mean.

There is nothing to hate in what you do. Not any more so than I would hate a doctor or lawyer or chef for doing their job well.

The problem is that we live in a society that has very little problem with showing dead bodies on TV, or guns being used to kill people, or bombs exploding... while that same society is violently opposed to any expression of sexuality and sexual pleasure. We're happier showing naked aggression and hate than we are about showing naked bodies and enjoyment.

I haven't seen any of your films (yet), but I want to thank you for your post here... and for being so very unapologetic.

The more porn stars apologize or even seem sheepish about their work, the more 'society' feels free to point and say "See? Even so-and-so knows it's wrong!"

I'm so happy that you've said all that you did in such a head-on manner. Thank you for that.

Oh, and by the way? If I were male (and gay, obviously, though I'm pretty sure I would be if I were male), I'd totally date you. I'd probably want to hear stories about your shoots, though. :)
107
I have the utmost respect for anyone -- male or female -- who works in the "porn" industry.

I mean, let's face it. Porn wouldn't exist if there was no market for it, but that's not something "normal people" want to admit. (And frankly, people who won't admit to being sexual and having sexual desires shouldn't be classified as normal.)

So my answer to the question posed by your subject line is... I don't hate porn stars. If anything, I love you. Not you personally, because we've never met, but you know what I mean.

There is nothing to hate in what you do. Not any more so than I would hate a doctor or lawyer or chef for doing their job well.

The problem is that we live in a society that has very little problem with showing dead bodies on TV, or guns being used to kill people, or bombs exploding... while that same society is violently opposed to any expression of sexuality and sexual pleasure. We're happier showing naked aggression and hate than we are about showing naked bodies and enjoyment.

I haven't seen any of your films (yet), but I want to thank you for your post here... and for being so very unapologetic.

The more porn stars apologize or even seem sheepish about their work, the more 'society' feels free to point and say "See? Even so-and-so knows it's wrong!"

I'm so happy that you've said all that you did in such a head-on manner. Thank you for that.

Oh, and by the way? If I were male (and gay, obviously, though I'm pretty sure I would be if I were male), I'd totally date you. I'd probably want to hear stories about your shoots, though. :)
108
Ownership, possessiveness, jealousy are all human emotions and a natural part of a relationship. Some guys argue that we are by nature polygamous but actually I believe that we are by nature monogamous - or at least we men have a double standard where I might want to fuck a bunch of people but the person I'm interested in had better only be sleeping with me.

So if your job is to fuck others, that's not going to work out. Many men don't like to share.

It also speaks to your qualifications in life, that you took a job that only someone with nothing to lose would take. That you aren't embarassed for your mom or sister or grandmother to see you online, naked. Or that you have a troubled family past so those relationships don't hold you back from doing such things - poor family relations usually yield poor relationships.

There is also a very strong chance that you, as a porn star, are doing porn to feed a need for attention or validation or love that you haven't gotten until now, which is not a good sign in a potential partner or spouse either.

There's another chance that you will bring home a disease. If that's offensive to you, then you are living in denial. Accidents happen, and with the increase in bareback production, porn stars who cross over from safe to bb porn and back again, and with the unpredictable and unknown private lives of your colleagues, you could get something, no matter how cautious you think you are being. A boyfriend doesn't want to deal with that.

Being in porn is a lot of red flags. That doesn't mean you are hated. But you admit that you knowingly chose a profession that would tag you undateable. Why then, did you choose it?

I love watching porn but I would never recommend somebody actually do porn. Double standard? Unfair? Maybe. But it's the game you signed up for. Consider quitting.
109
@skeptic101, if you think porn is "new to society", look up Fanny Hill.
110
This is trivial writing.

I don't care about porn and whether it's effects are detrimental. This argument is the equivalent to violent media, and how there are no true ways to prove negative consequences of watching it.

The point is, everyone has rights and autonomy to do what they feel is right for themselves.

There are only set exception to a few prohibitions of murder, drugs, etc. ... and even still, those are crimes against the state and not people/humanity. Besides that, the ethical considerations of those acts are inconsistent: you give drugs to treat pain for sick people, you kill to protect freedoms you have in war. Contrariwise, porn consumption is not an ethical consideration, since porn watching really isn't an active behavior. You are passively watching sex between two Martymachlia fetishists/exhibitionists. Besides that passive act, what two adults do in their personal sexual lives should not be a discussion point for attention. And you know who those people are, who "lay it all out on the table"...drama queens and a attention whores - those who feel insecure when no one is paying attention to them. To those people who do these antagonistic actions, I just treat them like the flasher who drops trow to get your offensive reaction. When you look at that person, and don't react it is more of an insult rather than yelling or hitting.

And frankly if you can't accept personal right or autonomy, whatever side of the ethical fence you fall on, then you are just an asshole.

You are an asshole Conner. Plain and simple. When you sit and proselytize just as much as the anti-porn crusaders, you are no better.

If someone doesn't want to endorse your choices, who the fuck cares. They aren't meant to be in your life then.

And when you date men who are skirting the issue altogether, as you pointed out, you interpreted the relationship to be something it wasn't - long lasting. To be fair, guys like you aren't the monogamous type which really makes it harder to sustain a relationship. There is no loyalty to each other there. And no, the mental space you occupy, your heart, internal thoughts do not make something true. Actions do.
111
This is trivial writing.

I don't care about porn and whether it's effects are detrimental. This argument is the equivalent to violent media, and how there are no true ways to prove negative consequences of watching it.

The point is, everyone has rights and autonomy to do what they feel is right for themselves.

There are only set exception to a few prohibitions of murder, drugs, etc. ... and even still, those are crimes against the state and not people/humanity. Besides that, the ethical considerations of those acts are inconsistent: you give drugs to treat pain for sick people, you kill to protect freedoms you have in war. Contrariwise, porn consumption is not an ethical consideration, since porn watching really isn't an active behavior. You are passively watching sex between two Martymachlia fetishists/exhibitionists. Besides that passive act, what two adults do in their personal sexual lives should not be a discussion point for attention. And you know who those people are, who "lay it all out on the table"...drama queens and a attention whores - those who feel insecure when no one is paying attention to them. To those people who do these antagonistic actions, I just treat them like the flasher who drops trow to get your offensive reaction. When you look at that person, and don't react it is more of an insult rather than yelling or hitting.

And frankly if you can't accept personal right or autonomy, whatever side of the ethical fence you fall on, then you are just an asshole.

You are an asshole Conner. Plain and simple. When you sit and proselytize just as much as the anti-porn crusaders, you are no better.

If someone doesn't want to endorse your choices, who the fuck cares. They aren't meant to be in your life then.

And when you date men who are skirting the issue altogether, as you pointed out, you interpreted the relationship to be something it wasn't - long lasting. To be fair, guys like you aren't the monogamous type which really makes it harder to sustain a relationship. There is no loyalty to each other there. And no, the mental space you occupy, your heart, internal thoughts do not make something true. Actions do.
112
@92 - I never said I hated that inauthenticity on porn stars, and I didn't say it was ok in "regular" actors. I said I prefer pron that seems authentic, and I said that the inauthenticity involved in porn - inauthenticity about an act most people think of as deeply personal - might be a legitimate source of unease for people who interact socially with a porn actor.

Real actors can suffer from the same thing. I don't know any famous actors personally, but I do have negative feelings toward actors who start buying their own bullshit. Take Tom Cruise - I don't trust anything about him as a human being. He seems inauthentic all the time.

I would say I hate Tom Cruise. I wouldn't say I hate anyone in porn (although I do feel a twinge of pity for Jenna Jameson - she seems like a bit of a train wreck).
113
I liked the article but I think HATE is a strong word. People can find it hard to see the reality behind the fantasy that is porn, so it can be hard to think of it in terms of a regular 9 to 5 job. We are such possessive creatures that it can also be unsettling to think that somebody that you consider to be "yours" is sharing themselves with the world in such an intimate way.
114
What you choose to do for a living will always deflect potential partners. You don't often see an attorney marrying a bus boy, but that doesn't mean that one hates the other. It means that people can't always identify with each other's chosen career paths. Personally I know that I'd likely never date a porn "star." I look for a partner to challenge me and to help me to think bigger (in terms of my happiness in life, and my career). If my potential partner's biggest and most fulfilling career & life choice was to be in porn films, I'd imagine that he'd have little to offer me. That being said, a jet-setting entrepruenerial mogul would probably be less inclined to date someone like me stuck in the corporate grind. People tend to gravitate toward others who are like minded. Everyone has different ideas about what it is to think "bigger (no pun intended)" in life.
115
I think a lot of people's discomfort with porn amounts to a variation on the third-party effect hypothesis--an old communications theory that says people tend to overestimate "the effects of a mass-communicated message on the generalized other" while downplaying the effect of that message on themselves. Combine that with our Puritanical heritage and you've got a recipe for some seriously skewed views on the damaging nature of mass media devoted to the depiction of sex.
116
Thank you for the article Conner!

I would really to see some more perspectives on the matter in publications like The Stranger. It is dangerous to place this perspective as the majority viewpoint of those in the industry.
117
I started reading this, then wondered, WTF do I care about the Very Important Deep Personal Thoughts of a porn star? (A porn star who, apparently, does not have the inclination or finances to hire an editor) So I went over to Redtube to bust a nut to one of his videos instead. Seemed like a better use of my time.
118
I started reading this, then wondered, WTF do I care about the Very Important Deep Personal Thoughts of a porn star? (A porn star who, apparently, does not have the inclination or finances to hire an editor) So I went over to Redtube to bust a nut to one of his videos instead. Seemed like a better use of my time.

Stick to slurping semen in lieu of water, writing is not for you sweetie. And I know that the whole point of you attempting to write your Very Important Deep Personal Thoughts was to try to challenge attitudes like mine, I simply don't care.
119
This story broke my heart. I hope you find happiness, Connor.

People might look down on what you do, but at the end of the day you bring a little joy into their lives. Maybe it is just difficult for some to admit that they want and need and enjoy what you do? I don't know. But I, for one, don't hate porn stars.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences here. <3
120
people don't generally enjoy the thought of their significant other fucking other people.

is it that hard to explain?
121
Connor, do you date in the industry? Why or why not?
122
Just like to say: it was definitely the porn. Much like bad sex, or some other major issue in a relationship, that sort of thing will inspire one to seek reasons to get out of a relationship. It was the porn, and it will most likely always be the porn.
123
It was an interesting read.

But if it's any consolation, I'm a research scientist in computational linguistics, and I haven't met a guy yet who wants to talk about my job.

But that doesn't mean they hate computational linguists.
124
Its not hatred but a dislike of narcissism. And not all porn stars are narcissists.
125
I don't know about other porn stars but this one has a chip on his shoulder the size of a tree. This meandering ill-formed demand for acceptance uses a number of false equivalences in an attempt to prove porn's (and porn stars') normalcy. I sense that there is something clear to all this but that only CH, so self-aware but also self-involved, knows what that is.

The central problem with CH's position is that he wants it both ways: to remain a fantasy object (one could never accuse CH of a lack of narcissism) and to somehow normalize the fantasy that is porn to the extent that CH's work would be no more extraordinary that having a Big Mac. But then he wouldn't be the fantasy that porn compells him to be, and he'd like be out of work.

The most condescending thing about this windy piece is the assumption that people hate him. That's silly. But you can be disgruntled with Mr Habib's reduction of a complex subject to the dumbed-down simplicity of Thumbs-up, or -down. Maybe if he got out a bit more he'd lose the kind of boring self-regard that sucks all the oxygen out of the room.
126
reviewing Your Comment
Re: What I Want to Know Is Why You Hate Porn Stars
I don't know about other porn stars but this one has a chip on his shoulder the size of a tree. This meandering ill-formed demand for acceptance uses a number of false equivalences in an attempt to prove porn's (and porn stars') normalcy. I sense that there is something clear to all this but that only CH, so self-aware but also self-involved, knows what that is.

The central problem with CH's position is that he wants it both ways: to remain a fantasy object (one could never accuse CH of a lack of narcissism) and to somehow normalize the fantasy that is porn to the extent that CH's work would be no more extraordinary that having a Big Mac. But then he wouldn't be the fantasy that porn compells him to be, and he'd like be out of work.

The most condescending thing about this windy piece is the assumption that people hate him. That's silly. But you can be disgruntled with Mr Habib's reduction of a complex subject to the dumbed-down simplicity of Thumbs-up, or -down. Maybe if he got out a bit more he'd lose the kind of boring self-regard that sucks all the oxygen out of the room.
127
This is perfect. Well written. Well done.
128
Conner,
I love you!
What you wrote is beautiful and honest and unfortunately sad. I'm not a big porn "consumer" but I like it, it's fun, and probably contains its part of complications and dirty stuff like everything else.
I imagine though that it might be more difficult for you guys to find a relationship, but listen, all relationships are difficult to find and cultivate and go through, especially when they are based on conventional values. Take your "difference" as your pride, and somebody will like it, and love you more for that. Porn or not. And again, you are such a great guy!!
All my best, from Italy
129
Conner,
how can I pin your letter/article on my Pinterest page? I put there a lot of your pics and vids, so it would be important to let people know also this piece, which i love and support, thanks
130
j
131
First, I'd like to vehemently disagree with my earlier comment (#130). Second, the rest:

Where to even begin? The title of the article itself, I guess. Appearing in a porn movie doesn't make one a "porn star," any more than appearing in a non-porn movie makes one a "movie star." So already the author displays an inflated sense of self-importance, and we haven't even gotten to the meat (no pun intended) of the article. Then there's the word "hate," which just seems to be an attention-seeking exaggeration. I know a lot of people from various political and religious stripes, and I don't know anyone who "hates" people who have sex in movies. If there is any hating going on, it would be directed at the people who run the industry. This is mainly because, rightly or wrongly, they are seen as exploiting the people who work for them. It's no different than those who "hate" Wal-Mart for the various reasons that Wal-Mart should be hated.

As we move deeper (no pun intended) into the article, we learn about Alex. Poor Alex. He's a slut-shaming, sex-shaming, Moral Majority-belonging maniac, all because it bothers him that his boyfriend has sex with various dudes every month, in an industry in which the chief workplace accident is the acquiring of HIV. Alex, you big jerk! Why do you hate porn stars?!

Just reading this article has made me start to hate porn stars, because now I'm (probably unfairly) assuming that all porn stars are this hyper-sensitive about their work. Crazily enough, it reminds me of Christian conservatives who accuse everyone of "hating" Christmas, because some people acknowledge the existence and value of other wintery traditions and beliefs.

Mr. Habib, if you're reading this, I don't care if you want to be a porn star. Go ahead. I hope you make a ton of cash, *don't* get an STD, and find a good man with whom to have a rewarding relationship. But if I have to hear more about how I "hate" you or how I'm "shaming" you because you have sex as part of your job duties, then yes, I will begin to hate you for saying so.
132
I almost forgot one of the most annoying things about this article! It's this: Not only am I a sex and slut-shaming jerk for hating porn stars, but I *cause porn stars to hate other kinds of porn stars*! With this kind of power, I'm pretty sure I'll be conquering the world by next Tuesday.
133
I don't think anyone "hates" porn stars, but there is general perception of them as being self-absorbed and ridiculous.

Conner, if I went on a date with a musician who, when asked what he does for work, said: "I'm a rock star," there wouldn't be another date and I'd be laughing about it with friends for weeks. So you might try toning it down a little and see if that helps.

Also, lots of people love talking on and on about themselves and their problems, etc. but they're not good listeners; they're not genuinely interested in what anyone else has to say. Judging by what you've written here, and its length, you may be one of them. When meeting someone new, try asking lots of questions; see if you can generate a level of interest and excitement in others that's equal to your level of interest in yourself.

Try the above, and I bet folks will start reacting to you in a more positive way.

Good luck!

134
thanks, Conner. Now that I understand a little more about how your mind works, it makes your porn so much hotter!
135
Beautiful and insightful Connor. Thank you
136
@123 - My sentiments exactly. He goes on and on and on so much that I suspect the problem is really him, not his job. Personally, porn doesn't tend to do much for me, but I wouldn't really care much either way if my partner worked in that industry. I would, however, find it a turn-off if my partner kept steering conversations in that direction and basically endlessly talking about himself.
137
I had the misfortune of getting into a brief twitter exchange with Mr. Habib awhile back and the instant I expressed an opinion he disagreed with the wise and learned "teacher" image he tries so hard to project quickly vanished and was replaced by that of a typical mean and bitchy queen,very disappointing to say the least since up to that point he came across as very smart and likable.
138
My problem with porn stars, coming from a woman trying to succeed in a male dominated industry, is the stereotypes of women you perpetuate. Women are placed on sexual pedestals. Society see's us as nothing but sex objects. When I go to work, I face the constant struggle of getting my peers in engineering to take me seriously as an engineer and not look at me as just a girl. (BTW, I'm in the top 10% of my class, so it has nothing to do with underperformance).

Us women in STEM fields face an uphill battle. Women in porn do nothing to make the conditions for women in professional fields better. You keep us in place as sex toys. If you're not a part of the solution, you're a part of the problem.
139
I notice that any discussion of your parents has been conspicuously omitted. Maybe you should clean up the rough draft you've given us and send it to your folks in a letter. How do they feel about their fine young son taking cock from every direction and swallowing cum, all for the world to see? Start with your parents. Ask them why they hate you, then test their reaction against the prevailing attitudes of the public. Maybe people hate you because you are, quite literally, a fucker. You're a person who fucks, for a living, as a contributing member of society, and you want people at cocktail parties to pat you on the back for it. For all the hard work you put in at the gym. For all the care you put in to shaving your balls. For the workmanlike ethic you bring to cleaning out your ass? Well, fuck you, fuckface. All that crap about bringing sexual joy to people is bullshit, because what's so joyous about furtively wanking in front of a computer screen? What you are is a shallow prick. Maybe people hate you because while you're blithely fucking away they're struggling just to get laid, feeling undervalued at a job that's truly beneath them, and striving, striving, striving for something their parents can be proud of.
140
I guess the take home message is that it's difficult to date if you work in porn. Not very surprising--lots of people in unusual occupations have this probelm. I'm sure being a mortician is not dating catnip and there probably are more mundane occupations that are dating buzzkill like long haul truck driving, on-call emergency medicine, or life insurance sales. And people have misconceptions about porn. Also no surprise. If one wants to leacture at college campuses (or anywhere else), one will get some rather misinformed if not outright dumb questions. None of this necessarily rises to the level of hate. Life is filled with tradeoffs--Habib gets adoration from people for his pron work, as well as scorn. Such things happen to the rest pofus--a college boy like me is likely to receive scorn from a random blue collar worker who doesn't know that my dad was an auto worker and that I'm no uncritical fan of educated professionals even after becoming one. The world works that way and we learn to live with it.

As for poor Alex, he's both the subject and neglected party in this ramble. He seems to have ended things with a "it's not you, it's me" speech that more or less means that he had no faith in Mr. Habib's willingness to realize the depth of some of their problems. Given how much Mr. Habib likes to lecture and talk about himself, it doesn't take much imagination to consider what contributed to the demise of the relationship.
141
Conner -- I admire your work both on screen and on the page; thanks for doing what you do. I wonder, though, where envy enters the picture here? Surely, part of the reason Alex had a hard time with your chosen profession was because he felt envious of those other guys who, too, got to be intimate with you? Or perhaps he was also envious of you, getting some on the side, on the regular? If you dated another porn star -- have you ever? -- might you feel a little jealous, too? Do you like to talk about your off-screen hookups with your boyfriends? (I don't.)

I was also thinking to myself while reading -- gosh, I am certainly not the person Conner is addressing here, I don't have all these biases against porn that he's getting from the moral right or second wave feminists (side note: wish you had something good to say about feminists here, rather than contributing to the common misconception that feminists are anti-porn and anti-sex -- I HIGHLY doubt the instance you note here is typical of your encounters with feminists, most of whom I know are pro-porn and pro-sex work). But then I thought: you know, there actually is something I hate about porn stars -- it's that I can't help but feel envious of them! Come on, getting to have sex with conventionally hot guys for a living?? Being conventionally hot to begin with is enough to warrant envy, but doing porn really takes the cake. Which is why, at the end of this article, it was still hard for me to feel sympathetic with you, despite the pain and alienation you're expressing here. You think it's bad being a porn star? What about all those gay men who are "ugly," balding, disabled, fat, femme, old, short, all those gay men who could never possibly make a living doing porn in the first place because they are unwanted and untouchable in mainstream gay culture? Not trying to discredit your feelings or experiences here, but just trying to put it in perspective. In a lot of ways, the porn industry reinforces stigmas that you're neglecting in drawing attention to stigmas against porn. Might be worth acknowledging once in a while.

Keep doing what you're doing! <3
142
silly boy--most of us don't even think about porn stars, let alone hate them.
143
A really interesting story.Makes one think. Maybe the biggest problem is just peoples ignorance which makes them fear.
144
I don't hate porn stars. But I have been guilty of some of the same ignorance that you wrote about. Thank you for helping me see that people in your line of work are not fucked up or gross or drug addicts. I watch porn every day and I didn't realize how judgmental I really was. I've seen a few HBO specials, I'm sure you know the ones I mean, but I never really thought much about the issue until now. Thanks very much for giving me this opportunity to learn.
145
I got a kick out of the idea that porn stars hatred of each other is not their own fault, but the fault of the outside world who hates them, causing the porn stars to internalize that hatred and take it out on each other. That's fairly representative of the general thought process behind this whole article.
146
I am amazed by the amount of comments ;the vast majority of these comments are negative.And there's a reason for that.
First of all,these negative feelings in comments are not hatred.HATE is a very loud word,in the context of the article above the word HATE should be substituted for "DON'T CARE".Porn actors,performers,strip dancers,escort,street prostitutes are all SEX WORKERS,even if coitus is not a part of their job responsibilities,they are still sex workers (in our minds). It is a very old job (occupation),it is older than world itself,sex workers (SW) existed in all cultures. In some cultures SW were not allowed to live around general public and were considered 'dirty' and in some cultures were wealthy and had a social position,but,all of them were a part of community,community needed them;hatred never was a descriptive word for a relationship between sex workers and their 'consumers'.
Important part is that almost all sex workers were not married (not by choice) and in some cultures were rejected by church.Why? It's about innocence and purity,it's dictated by our natural instincts to choose a pure,innocent match/partner,since these type of 'mates' are the best for reproduction and raising children.This theory is carried by many religions and has different names for it.Monogamy has partially a same principle in it. Good reputation and a respectful spot on a social ladder were almost never associated with sex workers in the past and having a sex worker as a life partner was a sign of extreme poverty and thus inability to find a life partner with different type of occupation.
It's 21 century and modern sex workers might not have multiple partners or might not be involved in actual physical coitus, but our instincts dictate us to choose a pure partner and it is enforced by religious views. Porn actors smile at us from blue screen and we love them,we need them;but our sex instincts are not letting us to choose them as future husbands or wives.This is not intentional and it's not a hatred or disrespect,it's the power of instincts
147
Connor,

As always a thoughtful article!

I think the hatred for porn stars can generally be summed up into the idea of projective identification. To put it very crudely, others people put their own shame, hatred for their own sexual desires onto an easy target. It's done with African Americans, the LGBT community, and as you pointed out those working in the porn industry.
148
I understand the reason and function of porn, but don't get confused. The REASON you get paid so much for it is because of its nature. You are taking a private part of yourself and selling it like a commodity, and for that you enjoy high profits. I waited tables for years, and got great tips. Much better than working in an office. Why? Because "a pretty girl is bringing you a beer", and it paid well. Did I complain when I got sexist comments or disparaging glances? Nope. I was happy to have that job. Walking out the door with 200 bucks cash made me feel just fine. And I didn't have to take off my clothes to pay off my college loans. Its free trade, its america, so get over it. I have NO sympathy for porn stars. They should probably have "real" relationships with others in their industry if they want to be openly and truly understood. Say what you want about being an equal person with valid feelings all you want, but it takes a certain distance, coldness, and lack of emotional intelligence to CHOOSE that line of work and then defend it in such a pathetic way.
It would be more honest to say, "I'm a wild woman, and opportunistic, and I don't care."
My advice? Move, change your name, deny all involvement and then try to forge a real relationship with a normal person.. if that is what you really want….that is your only chance. IF you even have the relationship skills to begin with.
Honestly, sex workers: SEX is POWER.
Do you think you can function in a relationship where you do not have that upper hand, or only hand? How caring are you? How giving are you? What are your issues that come up after a one night stand? Come on. It shouldn't be any mystery why you are having problems with relationships. EVERYone has problems with relationships. Join the friction club! You are not special, and thinking so is probably your first problem.
And Don't argue with male logic, the very idea is an oxymoron. You got into the industry capitalizing on male logic, so don't complain about it now. Take your cake and eat it too.
I've enjoyed a certain amount of porn myself, but frankly the real thing is infinitely better. I see it as a necessary evil of society. As old as any human business. If it curtails rape in any way, that is good.

149
Why are so many porn stars so self important? I like to watch porn, but lets call it for what it is. Jerk off material. By being in porn you are choosing to objectify yourself so people can whack off. Thats it. Its not art, and its not meaningful. I certainly dont hate porn stars, as I said I watch it so Im glad their are girls willing to do it. But if you are choosing to objectify yourself- and there is no other way to describe being in a porn video- then I dont think you can realistically expect people to not look at you objectively.
150
Conner I remember the two of you would come to the cafe and get tea and coffee and huddle in the back. I had no idea what the two of you did for a living nor did I care. You were both so in love it was lovely to watch you. Later i saw one of your films and thought wow, Kid you look good. Sorry about the break up. You two always brightened up the cafe
151
Eloquently written. Thank you for an insider's perspective on one of my favorite entertainments. Thank you for clearing up the difference between sexual abuse/sex based crimes and porn. Very disturbed by the venomous comments I've read. You've done your job as an artist if you are getting such visceral responses to your words.

Keep up the good work! On page and screen.
152
I love you
153
It seems to me that the reasons we hate porn stars are pretty simple. Most (I'm guessing; I don't have data) people have sex under fairly private conditions. Sex is often restricted to one's romantic partner. Even when it's not, it is restricted to a relatively small number of people and is generally done in private. For physiological and cultural reasons, sex is often associated with feelings of emotional closeness.

But, it also is NOT. It's also associated with our rawer, more animal selves. That's why we watch porn, after all. We like to think about sex.

So, we have this conflict between how we feel about sex and, well, how we also feel about sex. I think mostly we can segregate those conflicting attitudes. Meeting porn stars, or even just thinking of them as more than just their bodies, forces those conflicting thoughts to the front. It's just dissonance and we take it out on people like Conner.

Further, most of us hold to, to varying degrees, the story that sex is mostly an intimate act that is bound up with romantic love and affection. Even when it's a chore, it's not a job. Except for porn stars, it is a job. We try to understand how they can be so different from us on this. We come to that understanding by constructing a story that says they are able to do what we are not because something went wrong for them that did not go wrong for us. Even, that they succumbed to damage that we were able to overcome. Then we get enough confirmatory evidence to maintain that belief.

Hating porn stars makes it easier for us to understand porn stars and keep our world views intact. Hard to be nice when we are protecting our world view.
154
I'm a feminist! I don't hate you! That's all!
155
Beautifully, passionately written. Thank you, Connor. For what it's worth, I'd date you in a jiffy and I wouldn't have a problem with you working in porn. It's worth remembering that people in general feel uncomfortable about anything to do with the body and sex. I am very open about how the body works and I tend to speak about sex acts in the way I'd mention a meal I'd eaten. But over time friends have brow beaten me into not doing it. It's not appropriate, they say. And I'd get chastising looks. So now I curb what I say. I'm glad you spoke up and got it off your chest. And I hope you don't mind if I put your pic on my computer wallpaper : )
156
@146 >>> I am amazed by the amount of comments ;the vast majority of these comments are negative.

Clearly you were so amazed that you lost your ability to count. Of the 145 previous comments, 58 were positive, 34 were neutral, and 43 were negative. That's only 135 because there are 8 duplicates and 2 were deleted. Even if we assume the 2 deleted were negative, that's still 45 out of 135, or 33%. It's been a long time since I cracked open a mathematics textbook, but I'm pretty sure that 33% does not constitute a "vast majority."
157
People hate porn stars because they feel thy have to force their agenda on others. They would be the far religious right. The majority of men hate porn stars because they wanna be one but it's more. Both figuratively and literally it's much more.

Male porn stars are all hung like stud horses and the female porn stars all report, over and over, that they love those huge _________.

Sex as an industry is huge and invisible. Sex is bad. Certainly having sex with more than one person at a time or gay sex is very bad. That is the way in this country.

Now, I'd be willing to bet that men who say they are against porn would not hesitate to do a porn star if she offered it up.

Most all of us guys would love it if our wives acted like porn stars. Few of us get it. Or they may act like porn stars before we marry them then......

I like porn, I don't have the time to hate anyone for most any reason. In fact all girl porn stars are invited over to my house, one or more at a time.

Boys. the closest I've come to a porn star I found in this paper. That would be hetro boys, but it appears gay boys can find them as well.

Conner, there are a lot of people who HAVE to find ways to make people feel small. They feel big and important and better than you.

I learned that even thought you ignore them and go on with your life it still hurts. We all want to be accepted and when we are not, no matter what the reason, it hurts a little.

Finally those who hate porn stars are the most vocal. Those of us who like porn stars have to get back to the movie. I am watching Jesse and 2 black guys----wooooooooow!

Doug Ufkes
West Seattle
158
I don't think people hate you, I think people feel sorry for you.

And I think people who are monogamous wouldn't feel 100% comfortable with it because you're not, that's all. I wouldn't date one for that reason.
159
But there are some people like tranny dominatrix princess sierra aka bitchy beauty who has ruined many people's life's because they had a fetish. We need to stop such people.
160
Yes Justin. I too know that bitchy beauty 'princess sierra' is a scamster. She popularized a new genre of fetish she says and is responsible for the life of many guys. Strange thing is she claims to be epitome of woman after a sex change surgery!!
161
I don't hate sex workers or porn performers, or whatever terminology you prefer.

What I hate is your industry, and the entertainment as a whole. Your industry exploits people BEYOND anything an abusive employer does and once that said employee's usefulness is over, or you find someone younger, tighter, in better shape, your employer tosses them to the curb.
162
The question of what's wrong with porn is different from the question of why your date might look askance at you after you say you do porn. Many people don't want to be told on a first date, or at all, by the person s/he is dating that s/he routinely has multiple sex partners. Does this even need to be stated?
163
The question of what's wrong with porn is different from the question of why your date might look askance after you say you do porn. Many people don't want to be told on a first date, or at all, by the person s/he is dating that s/he routinely has multiple sex partners. Whether you do it in the course of "making a living" or not would strike many as irrelevant.
Does this even need to be stated?
164
A really interesting and well-done article. Here's where I'm coming at this from. We can probably agree that porn makes a lot of people uncomfortable, and that when it's made more visceral, more present, because that's a real person who does porn that we're talking to (gratuitous aside: I DESPISE the term 'porn star' unless the person really is a 'star'), then the discomfort level increases. Why? Lots of reasons, of course, but at the highest level because it creates conflict and confusion inside ourselves, about ourselves. I see a porn, or I see a porn actor, and it stirs up uncertainties inside myself.

I'm an active member of the sex-positive movement, and I watch porn from time to time, and it creates uncertainty and confusion inside me. Here's my short, top-line explanation for this. I'm not persuaded that porn is sex-positive. I suspect it may be more sex-normalizing. In Game of Thrones, the Dothraki do it in public, at feasts. Not in the road but in the fields and plains. Do I want sex to be like this, in my psyche? Or do I want it to be special, magical, mysterious? Do I want it to be special, magical and mysterious when I do it? Absolutely! (I know: Ego, ego!) And porn seems to be telling me something else, and porn actors as the bearers of this message seem to be saying something else.

Conner, I don't hate you. Part of me admires you, actually, for the courage you've shown in following your bliss. But you're modeling something and I'm not sure how I feel about it. There's a message in this I can't quite find my peace with, that makes me want to squirm.

Porn normalizes sex. It makes it a herd activity. I guess it's the romantic in me, or maybe the insecure boy, or maybe the egotist -- but I'm not sure I want to be a member of this herd.
165
This is awesome, thought-provoking and articulate. I feel that you did miss a reason people hate porn, though. Jealousy. People do stupid, strange things when they're jealous. The cut off their noses to spite their face when they're jealous. They rally and rail against things because they're jealous. Regardless, this article is brilliance. Thank you. :-D
166
janitors, maids and dishwashers are more valuable to society than what you do--- it's not that we hate you...at least I don't... I nothing you.... just nothing... maybe you should get a real job...yeah, I know...honest work is HARD (sniffle sniffle)...poor baby...
167
That's my favourite piece of writing I've read from you. It was really beautiful and well enunciated. I have always been into porn and if I had the discipline to maintain a body for it I would jump at the chance. But I see even in my really liberal-minded friends that they're really not okay with it. One of my friends goes on massive rants on Facebook whenever he comes across something a porn star's written that shows they're a person because in his mind being in porn means you give up your right to call yourself a person.

I went to Folsom street fair a couple of years ago and met a few porn guys...one was staying in the same hotel as me and I went up & said hi with the guy I was travelling with, and that guy I was with was so supremely uncomfortable acknowledging him but then spent the entire rest of the day taking as many photos of naked guys being sexy as he could get.

I don't understand the double standard and I think it's fucked up. To me on one level porn stars are like my celebrities. I get excited to meet them, I like following them on twitter/fb, I fantasise about fucking them....so I don't get why there's such negativity around porn when it should be such a fun healthy thing for everyone. And thanks for making it! :)
168
I personally think they have no respect for themselves...any idiot could get naked and fuck for money...that's what it all boils down to...just as celebrities will never escape the fame...you'll never be respected in society...you chose that life...get over it..
169
Wow, Connor. I'm in tears. That was absolutely stunning.
Thank you.
170
Sexual needs are so biological,so natural that it´s amazing that in the 21st century even our Western societies are still tainted with the patriarchal puritanisms and intellectual prejudices against porn.If it´s well done or not,artistic or just low quality films,it will always be the response to this erotic need for images and scenes to either boost (no pun intended) couples´ pleasure or give some relief from the sexual tension to those who can´t have it at the moment !
171
I couldn't agree more with you Conner!
I love and support porn.
172
Thank you for sharing your experience!
173
@27 @Skeptic101 - First off, he DOES mention female porn stars' perceptions in the article: "When I wrote an article explaining that most people in porn wanted to be in porn—after all, these days you have to apply for the job—many commenters furiously replied, "A man wrote this article! How could he understand what women go through?" I figured I'd get that response. Even though I knew from countless conversations with women in porn that they chose to be in porn and that many of them enjoyed the experience, I knew I'd have to substantiate that. So in the article I included the voice of a friend—a woman in porn—saying just that about her personal experience and the experiences of women she knew. The commenters probably didn't get that far in the article. Or if they did, that woman's voice was irrelevant to them.

Second off, porn is NOT "relatively new to society." A recent article from The New Yorker covers sexual scenes in novels over the years and provides an excellent overview of pornography in literature: http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/bo…

Third off, the author DOES address the potential of porn "causing" violent sexual behaviors in watchers: "So then you bring up the studies that say porn leads to sexual abuse. There actually aren't many of those, and the ones that exist have also been debunked. Did you know that sexual violence is more likely to occur in places that have sexually repressed atmospheres—including the banning of pornography? And did you know that there's no sociological data that clearly links pornography to sexual violence? Don't take my word for it. Just look it up."

And, lastly, just saying that someone should be ashamed because children are being unfairly exploited directly (or indirectly) by your career field of choice (i.e. "you are still in the SAME industry where children are being forced to have sex on camera, and I do not see how that is OKAY in your eyes") is illogical. What about the Walmart workers that sell garments made by children factory slaves??? (I could go on)

Clearly you did not read the entire article and provided your opinion regardless of what the article actually says.
174
Most people are OK with porn as long as it's fantasy. But when they come to know a person doing porn, it's way to personal. Most people don't want to watch people they know having sex - it's a violation of intimacy the way most people know it. You have become inured to it, so you need to find that small fraction of the population where your partner can watch you have sex with other people.

As to why most people don't like porn stars - most people value fidelity and you practice infidelity as an occupation - to most people's minds, you can't be trusted. Too many people's lives are damaged by infidelity and you, basically, embrace the concept.
175
Most people are OK with porn as long as it's fantasy. But when they come to know a person who's doing porn, porn becomes way to personal. Most people don't want to watch people they know having sex - it's a violation of intimacy the way most people know it. You have become inured to it, so you need to find that small fraction of the population where your partner can watch you have sex with other people.

As to why most people don't like porn stars - most people value fidelity and you practice infidelity as an occupation - to most people's minds, you can't be trusted. Too many lives are damaged by infidelity and you, basically, embrace the concept. I find it hard to believe that you haven't realized this yet. Or maybe you want to fantasize about how the world should be, instead of accepting it as it is.
176
I find it very frustrating this idea of male sexuality- the unbridled no strings attached myth that men can have sex and it will end there. There are so many emotions and feelings that erupt from simply being human- it's just annoying that some men can rationalize their desire as something primal and natural, yet condemn the feelings of jealousy, desire for monogamous sexual relationships as absurd and unnatural. No. Feelings are natural. Jealousy, anger, confusion all a very natural part if the human condition that has served multiple valuable purposes in our evolution. Yet people nowadays want to shame people for being human and having human desires- jealousy when your partner has sex with another, pain, anger, whatever. You have to accept the good emotions with the ad and you have to accept that monogamy is just as natural to some people as having multiple lovers. It's personal choice and I'm sorry but to condemn someone as too puritanical or conditioned because they are more attracted to a certain kind of relationship isn't logical. It just isn't. People have evolved to be many things from many instincts. We are just going to have to get over that people have different desires and views on sex and the amount and who hey want in their lives.
177
"Why are you always fantasizing about children being raped?"

WTF?

And people do get back together but the reasons for the conflict whether fear of intimacy, promiscuity, conflicting life goals, or bad communication need to be resolved. "I'm not feeling it," isn't a reason, it's a polite break up.
178
Maybe because we've been taught that sex is a secret, special act you only do with those you love and trust. Some people still have traditional values and morals, not everyone is a left-wing "progressive". Another is that sexual intimacy with one person is one of few things that separates us from other animals. It doesn't feel good to think we're as equal as a cow, or pig, or other less evolved being. People are hurt when a person has sex with someone else whilst being with them, whether its just a job or not. And you never know what you could carry back to that person, no matter how strict the standards and practices. And what about the drug culture in porn, probably from the crippling stress? You write from a point of view of a person who has ignored their rightfully induced shame.
179
I'm not sure if you know this, but my Communication and Sexuality professor has this as an assigned reading for the course. And I'm quite glad. I loved reading your story and I hope you get to share it far and wide. <3
180
Thanks for this. I was hoping you and Alex would still be together today... People are getting better about sex especially young ones. I'm 53, grew up in a small Midwestern city, gay. Few role models back then. It was definitely safer to stay in the closet for me. Today I'm amazed at the change in attitude surrounding gayness and sex in general. What a relief it is....
181
I've always considered porn stars to be performing an extremely important service--helping people celebrate and feel good about sexuality. Who doesn't love porn? Who hasn't enjoyed it? Who hasn't experienced the intense rush of pleasure and aliveness that porn enables?

In the U.S., we have a Puritanical relationship with sex, so anyone who celebrates and enjoys it is automatically suspect. And yet sex is what makes being alive so good and appealing. So we judge and condemn those who feel the most alive. That's tragic. People's relationship with porn mirrors their relationship with their sexuality.

Conner, somehow I've managed to have never seen your work. If you're as good at porn as you are a writer, I'm sure I'll love what I see.

Thanks for this insightful piece.
182
I'm a woman, and I'll tell you why I hate porn stars, female ones. I have a boyfriend who used to watch porn once in a while, but doesn't really anymore because 1.) he doesn't really care either way, 2.) he has me, and 3.) I asked him if he does watch porn, if he could stop watching. He had no problem not watching it, and he loves me, so he wants me to be happy. Anyway, before we had the conversation of him not watching it, we had a conversation of what he used to watch. He said white, blonde (he is not white and I am), so I got really offended. First of all, I was jealous that he watched it before, and second, I was jealous because I'm not blonde, I'm a brunette, so what? He likes blondes more? Eventually, I told him it bothered me, and he was surprised that that was the thing bugging me. He said that's what was bothering you? I don't even watch that stuff anymore, I don't need to watch it. So I was happy that for me personally that I didn't have a boyfriend with the porn addiction issue. You ask a lot: "Why do you hate us?". Well, for one thing, men get porn addictions and it messes up real relationships they had or could have with women, it sets an unreal standard of how women are supposed to look and how sex should be with all women, and frankly, I'm sure a lot of women wouldn't like their significant other to watch porn and get off to it. It's cheating if a girl sends your bf nude pics or videos, but it's not cheating if they get off to porn? Where is the line drawn here? It ruins men's perception of women, it ruins relationships, and it makes women's self esteem lower if their partner enjoys porn often. I don't have a problem with males in porn or gay males in porn, more power to them, but when it comes to the females, I can't help but feel upset. The younger generations of men are growing up watching this, then expecting to have women give them sex right away and makes them have unreal expectations. I also don't agree with strip clubs. There are married men that could go there and have a good time, while their nice wife sits at home. Don't get me wrong, the guy is then a douchebag for doing that to his wife, but our society allows this, and pushes a lot of men to be douchebags. Look at me, I am in a perfectly happy relationship with an amazing guy who I love, and yet, the porn industry still bothers me. What I want to know is if the female porn stars know that they ruin relationships and men's perspectives of the rest of us NOT in the industry? Fine, be free, do what you want, but please stop ruining others' relationships, and I won't fuss over the porn industry anymore.
183
KLB123 I agree with you. Porn has ruined a lot of relationships. Because of addictions developed and I have personal experience with my husband expecting me to look and act like what he sees, even for things I can't change about myself. What then? I am who I am and he wants what he sees and it's something I can't change about myself. It has created desires that he will keep chasing. Same with other women and their husbands. I love sex. I'm all for expression, but are we meant then to just never commit to one person with porn around? People will always want something else that they see and one person isn't going to be able to act out all the qualities that are craved. i'm tired of porn making men tell me what they want. It used to be that a woman could be exactly as she is and that was enough.
184
Wow, way to make me want to watch your porn - clever, sensitive, funny, as well as handsome and ripped. Will definitely look you up later! More porn stars should show off their attractive characters and minds in addition to their bodies. If I can imagine myself as you or with you in more depth and more personally then it's far more exciting. That's why "amateur" style porn is so popular, people can imagine themselves in it more. I'm pretty sure I don't hate you, btw.
185
I don't know if you were looking for an answer, or if you would still be reading for one at this point, but here's my experience:

I'm female, and like you, I wanted to do porn in high school. I never told anyone about this, because I grew up shamed for sex (I was told, after I told my parents I wanted to go visit with my second-ever boyfriend, at age 17, that I wasn't allowed because I might "lose my virginity again" - the type of people who really cling to nothing.) This cultural shame around sex never let me be as open as I wanted to, and I'm telling you I wanted to.

So you could say I'm jealous. I'm on a different path now. I want my parents' support as I go to medical school and make people's lives easier in other ways. I still wish I could do porn. And here's where axis two comes in: I'm still dating that second boyfriend. Things, regarding porn, were great at first. Like I said, I want to be open. He shared with me and I shared with him all the silly porn we've seen and it was great. Then I made some off hand comment while watching him watch porn. I said they look really young. I laughed. He laughed. He didn't tell me, but he felt ashamed, and he stopped sharing with me. Instead of talking to me, he started watching porn in secret, and treated me like I was an enemy to his desires.

We were having sex less often, by this point. Yeah, that happens in every relationship, I guess. I knew he was still watching porn, because it would be on his computer's history. It would be quickly exited when I walked in the room, though his dick was still out. So I blamed porn. "You don't want me any more because you watch too much porn" I would say. I was probably wrong. I did feel threatened, though, because it was a secret, and it wasn't before. Why was it a secret now? Why can't we share things like we did before?

Again, it's the cultural shame surrounding porn. He felt the need to hide it from me because he felt threatened by my judgement, and in turn I felt threatened by its significance relative to mine in his life. Realizing this took about 3 years. In the meantime I just hated porn for what I couldn't have and for what I felt it was taking from me. Now I'm trying to learn how to have a healthy relationship with porn - maybe like I never have before.

I hope you can forgive me, but it was never you I hated, really.
186
@156 I was just about to figure out the math, too! :)

In all honesty I don't hate porn actors but I do understand how others might. I think enough people here have explained the issue. Sex has historically been very private in the U.S. and people are likely jealous that your career is making money doing what might be considered an enjoyable hobby. I do think there is an underlying issue that at least one person brought up about making our parents proud which I think was spot-on, and of course the issue of young eyes and minds (or even just mentally ill or unstable minds) viewing something that has been labeled "adult" and "graphic." Most porn probably won't "fuck up" a child's view on life, but there are some (a lot? I don't pretend to be an expert) that mix violence with sex and that could be potentially damaging for children/adolescents who are already at-risk for sexually violent behaviors due to childhood traumas and abuses.

I watch porn, but there is definitely a stigma associated with it. My college classmates don't admit to watching it and it wasn't like I was throwing it out that I do either. I've heard of men watching porn together, or even couples, and honestly it just seems weird to me. I am one of "those people" that views sex as private. This doesn't mean I shame porn actors but it does mean I don't go around telling people I watch porn or that I would ever dream of watching it with another person. If someone else is there, then why do you need porn? Watching with others seems synonymous with watching dancers at a strip club. The patrons are there because it's a turn-on, but they're surrounded by dozens of other people....so you wait until you get home to release that sexual energy?

Anyway, I'm getting off-topic here. Porn is fine. Do whatever makes you happy. I don't necessarily see the point of mixing the political issue with your personal relationship but I suppose it got the point across. I agree with the former waitress who mentioned how you're in that career, you chose it, so deal with the consequences. If you want to change or eliminate the social stigma of being in porn, go for it. But remember that there are lots of stigmas here, including one of mental illness, and that seems like a more pressing matter to me...you know, considering you're making a decent living while there are thousands of adolescents not being treated for their diagnosable mental disorders due to the stigma of therapy.

Ah, a tangent again. Forgive me.
187
@182 Your issues with the porn industry stem from jealousy. Is that really fair to the actors that they should stop their careers because some brunette doesn't have enough self-confidence to deal with her issues on her own without projecting them onto others? I'm glad you're in a stable relationship now but just a heads up that that doesn't magically mean your insecurities are gone, it just means you've covered them up.

@182/183 Relationships can be "ruined" due to anything- porn, video games, alcohol, drugs, ANYTHING. If your partner has an addiction you either help them or you move on. But don't blame the addiction for your relationship problems when the problem is actually grounded in your partner's psychological health.

If you don't want to be compared to the women in porn then find a man who won't do that. That seems pretty basic to me. Not every guy watches porn, and not every guy who watches porn has unrealistic expectations of women. Some women, including myself, have used porn to better their skills. This of course isn't a requirement but I don't see much in ("normal") porn that is really that over the top. Actually, I have heard from a lot of guys that they can't ever find girls who give blow jobs. WHAT?! That completely blew my mind, pun intended, that women aren't even trying to please their men. This is pretty basic stuff. If you want to be pleased, expect to do some of the work yourself. Porn shows just that- two (or more) people pulling their weight. Seems all right to me.
188
I don't know you, but Conner, I just want to give you a hug. *HUG*
189
I love porn stars. I love them more than porn itself. I think they are courageous. I think they help us love our partners more passionately. They make the world a better place. A more loving place.
190
I watch porn and enjoy some of it. But there is a lot of awful porn needs revamping. Many porn videos showcase extremely aggressive, violent and painful penetration and gagging; not to mention gang bangs, in which the woman often takes upwards of five dicks simultaneously. No human body was made to handle that, and you'd have to be a delusional moron to think any woman or person could enjoy that. Many videos highlight the brutal and cruel nature of the videos as some sort of kink. It's disgusting and very wrong.

And everything you take in from your environment is molded into your brain, which is constantly re-wiring itself. Anything in moderation is OK, but many men watch these ruthless videos daily and may replicate the behavior, as we've seen. Look at the Vanderbilt football players, who drugged and gangraped some poor girl and laughed their asses off throughout. They had no regard for her as a person but solely as a sex object, similar to these types of porn, in which the woman's personality is nonexistent. Constantly seeing women in this fashion causes desensitization and promotes this kind of sex as normal. And the hormones that are released upon ejaculation make men desire what they see.

And why would anyone listen to a PORN star about his opinions of porn? Would you listen to an oil company about CO2 emissions? Of course anyone in porn is gonna promote it because that's their job. Duh. To get the truth, listen to ex-porn stars like Jersey Jaxin or Vanessa Belmond, who talked about having their insides ripped out of them and forced on drugs and sex to continue.

There is some porn that is good, but a large majority of it very brutal and gross. I think the standard should be much higher because porn does have a value. But I'm tired of just watching some low-quality garbage of a dick being stimulated. Where's the passion, heat and intimacy? We need to demand better porn, and until that happens, all you need to do is go on a free porn site to see why people look down on such gross junk. Link to one of them below.

Porn producer Bill Margold: "I'd like to really show what I believe the men want to see: violence against women. I firmly believe that we serve a purpose by showing that. The most violent we can get is the cum shot in the face. Men get off behind that because they get even with the women they can't have."

http://www.xvideos.com/video6112769/mand…
191
You didn't mention, so I will just ask straight out. After reading your essay (which I think is brilliant as writing (plain old writing, not "porn" writing), I wonder how many times you been told, or asked it as a question implying the same thing, "Why do you do porn? You're way too smart for that"?
192
This was amazing to read. I just can't understand why some people.... Let it be the stupid, annoying radfems, let it be the people who CARES ABOUT THE CHILDREN!!1, let it be any other normal person who happens to not like it.

I don't know, it's like they feared sex, right? Not the sex act per se, but any mention of it. Its presence. It's something I can't quite understand.

It's like they feared the people who enjoy it, in any way, in any form. Not even directly, but watching it. And they constantly looked for some way of demonizing it..... Maybe it's my problem that I am a little perverted and pornography has always fascinated me in many ways, but I can't get why someone would hate it so bad until the point of persecuting it like some kind of witchunt.

No, wait, I'm lying; there was a moment I had just so much gay porn that when I tried to get further into straight I just couldn't get used to it, and I started hating it. Then I realized I didn't find the way to enjoy it properly, I didn't looked at it in a way I could like it. And know I'm consumming it just fine with gay porn. May it be something like that, they can't find a way to enjoy it? Since they cannot understand, do they get grossed out by people who does and look them down as freaks? So they do with people who work in some way in the porn industry?

It's a total mystery. I think we may never have an answer for this one.

Thanks for writing this anyway. It's just amazingly well written. I have been reading so many articles and opinions today, and the only one of a similar lenght that kept me reading until the very end was yours.
193
I just want to see some beautiful naked body´s women have, but it´s always porn to see.
Nothing but women sucking dicks and close up cunts - but i don´t want it!
Just want to see some naked tits - may i?
194
I don't hate porn stars, I hate the porn that many of you are asked to make. Het porn that doesn't just objectify women, it subjugates them. Porn that is violent, in tone, in action, in language. Porn that shows that sex somehow is all about violence against women. If that's what floats your boat and your partner is into that free of will and without coercion, great!

But I'd hazard that most people don't choke their partners all the time, don't hold them down with an arm across their throat, don't put a hand over their mouths. Don't pull their hair, don't make them gag, don't call them dirty names. Don't force them, without any visible foreplay, preparation, or added lube, to take a beating via cock or hand in one orifice or another. I hate that some men see this and try to emulate it because they don't see a lot of variation and it's seen as the norm, as expected, as what sex looks like, as what women are expected to look like. It didn't always used to be like that.

I hate that it's now seen as a fetish to show a woman with more than a trace amount of pubic hair. Again, not saying that Brazilians are bad but most adult women come with actual body hair and it's not bad or shameful! I hate that we're telling both men and women that women should have the vulva of a prepubescent girl! God forbid you have hair or visible labia minora. I hate that most of the women (well, the ones that aren't pretending to be nubile 16 year olds) have had breast implants.

Where's the sex positive porn? The non-violent porn? I get that the audience is largely men and thus you're going to get 15 minutes of pounding in all sorts of uncomfortable-looking positions but it is necessary to have most male actors in het porn committing acts of violence or degradation against their female partners? Where's the sex-positive, the mutually pleasurable porn? 'cause even if the man gets off on camera, most of what is shown is not going to do if for most women and I doubt very much that the woman is actually getting off no matter how loud and long she shrieks.

I don't hate porn workers, I hate that your industry normalizes dangerous and degrading behaviors. Not talking about the sex, I'm talking about the violence during the sex. I don't care if people are having sex before marriage, having multiple partners, having non-vanilla sex as long as both partners consent and enjoy it. But I hate that normal sex and normal bodies are verboten or fetishized. I don't hate your working, I hate what your work portrays.