This was really well written and made me feel as if I've been there, so that I never have to actually go myself. I don't want a girl with a Batman tattoo.
Almost none of this is true. We've never waited in line to get in. You don't need to pay for parking, just park on the street a block or two away. I've never seen any real "security", we always smuggle in booze with no problems. You don't need to rent a raft, just get a free one. We (adults) have always gone in Hooks Lagoon with no problems. We've never not gotten a locker deposit back either. We usually find tickets on Craigslist or elsewhere online for $10-15 each and maybe buy one large (refillable) slushy to poor some booze in and that's the total cost for the day!
I haven't been in probably 20 years, always thought it'd be fun to go as an adult. But aside from the wave pool, I don't think I know what any of these other attractions are.