Thursday, March 18
10:00 5 ER: Dr. Greene gets initiated into the paramedics' club--and cries like a goddam baby!!

11:25 TBS Movie: Raging Bull (1980). Robert DeNiro stars as former heavyweight (and often very heavyweight) boxer Jake LaMotta.

Friday, March 19

8:00 13 Guinness World Records: Guinness moves to Friday night with more highbrow entertainment. Tonight, a contest to see who can blow the most spaghetti out of their nose.

11:30 USA Movie: Dazed and Confused (1993). Director Richard Linklater's tribute to the bong-huffin' '70s!

Saturday, March 20

8:00 USA Movie: Barb Wire (1996). Pamela Anderson Lee makes her brilliant film debut in this naked remake of Casablanca!

12:05 5 Saturday Night Live: Hosted by Hollywood's most overrated actress of the moment, Drew Barrymore.

Sunday, March 21

5:30 4 Academy Awards: Featuring a tribute to Elia Kazan, who's famous for directing films and ratting out commies.

8:30 4 Barbara Walters Special: Babs asks Celine Dion, Susan Sarandon, and Elizabeth Taylor for a definition of phone sex.

Monday, March 22
8:00 13 Road to Fame: Embarrassing early footage of celebrities when they were eating out of garbage cans, like you and me!

9:00 13 Ally McBeal: "A Tribute to Skinny McAss," featuring clips of Ally's skinny ass, as well as the cast commenting on Ally's skinny ass.

Tuesday, March 23
8:00 22 Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Vampire Spike returns and causes the gang to catch Xander and Willow dry-humping in a cellar. Recommended!

Wednesday, March 24
8:30 4 It's Like, You Know...: Debut! A new comedy starring Jennifer Grey (Dirty Dancing), and not starring Patrick Swayze (Dirty Dancing) or Jennifer's big nose (Dirty Dancing).

8:00 28 Seattle Citizen: Live call-in show featuring Mark "Darth Vader" Sidran! Call 684-8828 and let him know how much he SUCKS!