8:30 5 Jesse: In this season-ending cliffhanger, Jesse must decide to either marry Diego or deport his ass back to Cuba.
11:00 TNT Movie: Network (1976). Oh. Did I mention that I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!?
Friday, April 2
8:00 13 Guinness World Records: A gross-out classic! Flesh-eating bacteria devours the chest hair off beefy college students. Recommended!
8:30 11 America's Greatest Pets: A tribute to pets who have been maimed by farm equipment. It's NOT funny!!
Saturday, April 3
8:00 TNT Movie: Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's The Lost World (1998). Which will probably make Steven Spielberg's The Lost World look a like a big pile of dino poo!
9:00 USA Happy Hour: Another soon-to-be-failed variety show, starring America's most annoying brothers: Dweezil and Ahmed Zappa.
Sunday, April 4
8:00 13 The Simpsons: The Simpsons imagine themselves as Bible characters. Jerry Falwell must be so pleased!
9:00 A&E Horatio Hornblower: Literature's dirtiest-named character gets his own mini-series.
Monday, April 5
8:00 13 Melrose Place: The final countdown! Only eight more episodes left before this once-great show is put out of its misery!
9:00 13 Ally McBeal: It's an anorexic catfight when Georgia rips Ally's hair out, just for smoochin' her man!
Tuesday, April 6
9:30 13 Family Guy: Remember that dumb new cartoon they showed after the Superbowl? Well here it is, and it's still dumb.
10:00 4 NYPD Blue: In an effort to prove he isn't a racist, Sippy performs his "minstrel show" act for the squad.
Wednesday, April 7
9:00 13 World's Sexiest Commercials: Horny commercials from around the globe, including Ronald McDonald NUDE!