Thursday, April 1

8:30 5 Jesse: In this season-ending cliffhanger, Jesse must decide to either marry Diego or deport his ass back to Cuba.

11:00 TNT Movie: Network (1976). Oh. Did I mention that I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!?

Friday, April 2

8:00 13 Guinness World Records: A gross-out classic! Flesh-eating bacteria devours the chest hair off beefy college students. Recommended!

8:30 11 America's Greatest Pets: A tribute to pets who have been maimed by farm equipment. It's NOT funny!!

Saturday, April 3

8:00 TNT Movie: Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's The Lost World (1998). Which will probably make Steven Spielberg's The Lost World look a like a big pile of dino poo!

9:00 USA Happy Hour: Another soon-to-be-failed variety show, starring America's most annoying brothers: Dweezil and Ahmed Zappa.

Sunday, April 4

8:00 13 The Simpsons: The Simpsons imagine themselves as Bible characters. Jerry Falwell must be so pleased!

9:00 A&E Horatio Hornblower: Literature's dirtiest-named character gets his own mini-series.

Monday, April 5

8:00 13 Melrose Place: The final countdown! Only eight more episodes left before this once-great show is put out of its misery!

9:00 13 Ally McBeal: It's an anorexic catfight when Georgia rips Ally's hair out, just for smoochin' her man!

Tuesday, April 6

9:30 13 Family Guy: Remember that dumb new cartoon they showed after the Superbowl? Well here it is, and it's still dumb.

10:00 4 NYPD Blue: In an effort to prove he isn't a racist, Sippy performs his "minstrel show" act for the squad.

Wednesday, April 7

9:00 13 World's Sexiest Commercials: Horny commercials from around the globe, including Ronald McDonald NUDE!

10:00 COM South Park: Season premiere! Jennifer Aniston guest-stars as an environmental activist who takes the kids to Costa Rica and gets beheaded by a snake.