Cecil B. Demented, The Cell, Criminal Lovers, Five Easy Pieces, Girl on the Bridge, Godzilla 2000, Kings of Comedy

*Alice et Martin
Opens Fri Aug 11; see review this issue. Broadway Market

Autumn in New York
Richard "Cradle Robbing" Gere gets jiggy with Winona "Cow Eyes" Ryder. Statutory rape ensues. Opens Fri Aug 11. Meridian 16, Oak Tree

Bagdad Cafe
Quirky German fable about a Bavarian tourist stuck in the Mojave desert. The whimsy is overdone, but Jack Palance saves the day in the first of his "I'm just a really weird guy" roles. Fri-Sat Aug 11-12. (Jamie Hook) Fremont Outdoor Cinema, West Seattle Walk-In Cinema

Bless the Child
Kim Basinger is part of a Satanist conspiracy--no duh! Is this a documentary? Opens Fri Aug 11. Northgate

eKsperimen[e]nto 2000:
A festival of experimental film and video from the Philippines. Features eclectic short films by first-time directors. All on video. Thurs Aug 10 & 17. Filippino Cultural Center, 911 Media Arts

The Eyes of Tammy Faye
Opens Fri Aug 11; see review this issue. Egyptian

Funny Old Films
A summer series of lighthearted silent films with live musical accompaniment. This week includes the quiet hilarity of Modeling (1921), starring Koko the Clown; and Fast and Furious (1924), a film crammed with action and comedic violence for maximum audience desensitization. Tues-Wed Aug 15-16. Hokum Hall

Hard Candy
John Holmes' big business comes out at you in 3D in this exceptional work of pornography. Fri-Sat Aug 11-12. Egyptian

Incredibly Strange Films Vol. III
The Acme Cinema Group presents a collection of bizarre films from 1945-1980, past editions of which have included weird Satanic stag films, propaganda films about how safe DDT is, drivers ed films, weird drug scare films, and more. Wed Aug 16. Linda's Tavern

The Little Rascals
The Grand Illusion's Summer Children's Film Series is back for a fourth season. This week: Spanky, Alfalfa, Froggy, Buckwheat, and Porky raise black and white hell in four episodes of The Little Rascals. Sat-Sun Aug 12-13 & Tues Aug 15. Grand Illusion

The Misfits
Marilyn Monroe and Clark Gable's farewell. Directed by John Huston, it is considered by many to be Monroe's swan song. Sat Aug 12 Fremont Outdoor Cinema

*Monkey Business
Thurs Aug 10; see Stranger Suggests.

Open Screening
Aspiring filmmakers, enthusiasts, and armchair critics gather and enjoy wacky homemade shorts. VHS tapes only, 10 minutes max (first come, first served). Mon Aug 14. 911 Media Arts

The Opportunists
I could nitpick (for instance, who hired Christopher Walken's hairdresser?), but why? It's hot. You need air-conditioning. This is a pleasant caper movie, with good chemistry between Walken and Peter McDonald (not quite the idiot he was in I Went Down, but still fine), a chance to see our beloved Cyndi Lauper, a few full laughs and many smiles, nice-looking Vera Farmiga, a Buick Riviera, odd fantasies about Irish Americans (Walken and Farmiga look about as Irish as Sophia Loren), a deliciously seedy cameo by Tom Noonan, and superb set dressing--enough miscellaneous junk to launch a major career on eBay. Opens Fri Aug 11 (Barley Blair) Varsity

The Replacements
So I had lots of wine, and what do I think about this fucking film? It's impossible to believe that all that money went into it. Now my parents were in town from Africa last week, and they told me things are getting worse, people are hungry and starving. Well, what does this have to do with this film? Waste! That's what. Waste. Waste of time, waste of food. Waste of money. By the way, the pizzza [sic] we had just now with Andy was excellent! Now that is not waste. Opens Fri Aug 11 (Charles Mudede) Factoria, Grand Alderwood, Meridian 16, Oak Tree, Pacific Place 11

Revelations: Paradise Lost 2
Thurs Aug 10; see review this issue. Little Theatre

The TAO OF STEVE
The Tao of Steve is a film that demonstrates the fortune of matching a charismatic actor to a role that might have gone wrong in any other hands. Chunky, attitudinal Dex (an extraordinarily charming Donal Logue) teaches kindergarten. He's great with women and drifting a decade out of college when an old college friend shows up and doesn't fall for his line. Hyperarticulate and hypersexed, Dex must learn the meaning of his words and his heart. Funny stuff.Opens Fri Aug 11 (Ray Pride) Harvard Exit

Time Capsule: Message in a Bottle
Local gal Cathleen O'Connell's documentary about the phenomena of time capsules and our attempts to capture time and culture in the form of objects. While the approach is fairly un-original, the subject matter is oddly compelling, and the film's ample craftsmanship shines through. Fri Aug 11. (Jamie Hook) 911 Media Arts

The Valley of Gwangi
If there was ever a movie that demanded to have its original dialogue and sound effects replaced with live improvisation by Jet City Improv, surely it was 1969's The Valley of Gwangi, in which a group of cowboys try to corral an Allosaurus for fun and profit. Fri Aug 11. Fremont Friday Night Outdoor Movies

*The Woman Chaser
Opens Fri Aug 11; see Stranger Suggests. Varsity Calendar

Big Momma's House
In this weak comedy, Martin Lawrence plays the good guy; handsome Terrence Howard, from The Best Man, plays the bad guy; and sexy Nia Long is the lover of a heartless bank robber. (Charles Mudede) Lewis & Clark

But I'm a Cheerleader
Shorts director Jamie Babbitt's feature debut is a disappointment--strenuous stuff that seldom rises above frail, second-rate camp. There should be a few more inspired laughs in its tale of Megan (Natasha Lyonne), a top-notch student cheerleader thought to be lesbian who's sent to a camp where homosexuality is "cured." (Ray Pride) Broadway Market

Chicken Run
Chicken Run is about chickens trying to escape. It all starts when Rocky the Chicken comes blasting over the fence and everybody thinks he can fly. Meanwhile, something fishy is going on--Mrs. Tweedy (the farmer's wife) has a machine that lets the chickens go in and pies come out. The chickens do whatever they can to resist becoming pies. (Sam Lachow & Maggie Brown) Aurora Cinema Grill, Lewis & Clark, Metro, Pacific Place 11, Redmond Town Center

Coyote Ugly
I'm going to list all the great things about this latest "Jerry Bruckheimer feel-good flick": 1) Melanie Lynskey (who plays the "goofy best friend") does a fabulous New Jersey accent. 2) John Goodman is adorable as Funny Dad. 3) There is a cute cat in one of the scenes. 4) The outfits are pretty. 5) There's this one part? When the Coyotes are dancing? And Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me" is playing in the background, and... that was pretty funny. (Min Liao) Factoria, Metro, Oak Tree, Pacific Place 11, Redmond Town Center, Southcenter

Croupier
A bottle-blond exponent of God's lonely man takes a job in a private London casino and gets embroiled in some serious heist-related trouble. Mike Hodges, who directed the semi-obscure British new wave classic Get Carter, brings grace and severity to what could have just been neo-pulp. (Sean Nelson) Broadway Market

Disney's The Kid
Yet another switcheroo movie about an aging robber baron achieving redemption by literally massaging his inner child. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll drain your body of the dangerous pus that makes knocking down artists' lofts to build condos so darn hard. (Tamara Paris) Aurora Cinema Grill, Grand Alderwood, Meridian 16, Metro

Dolphins
Gentle and understated--a masterpiece. Pacific Science Center IMAX

The Eruption of Mount St. Helens
A stunning visual poem--a masterpiece! Omnidome

Everest
Towers over Citizen Kane--A masterpiece! Pacific Science Center IMAX

Extreme
Riveting and very funny--a masterpiece! Pacific Science Center IMAX

The Five Senses
True, the masseuse, the man going deaf, the baker of cakes, the man with the sensitive sniffer, and the ophthalmologist account for each physical sense, but the film isn't about senses at all; it's about sensuality beyond the senses... a delicate, lovely portrayal of the spaces between people. (Evan Sult) Harvard Exit

The Girl Can't Help It
Was it cruel of director Frank Tashlin to make Jayne Mansfield the butt of so many jokes in The Girl Can't Help It aimed at her breasts? Are the exploding milk bottles really funny? Do the numerous musical numbers (Fats Domino, Abbey Lincoln) fit in with the story? My answers, respectively, are: yes; yes; and no, but who cares? Fri-Sat Aug 11-12. (Bruce Reid) Grand Illusion

Gladiator
War hero General Maximus (Russell Crowe) is stripped of his position by a scheming new Caesar. Escaping too late to save his family, Maximus falls into the hands of a slaver, and with the help of a former love, seeks his revenge by finding glory within the Coliseum. (Tom Spurgeon) Aurora Cinema Grill, Varsity

Gone in 60 Seconds
To protect his little brother from an injurious limey, master car thief Nicolas Cage comes out of retirement, recruiting his old friends to help him steal 50 fancy cars in one night. The film is not actually good, but it's so much better than you expect it to be that it seems good, or feels good. (Sean Nelson) City Centre

*High Fidelity
John Cusack plays the cynically introspective Rob Gordon, the owner of a small record store who, for various reasons, has shit luck with women. He's a jerk, basically. (Kathleen Wilson) Crest

Hollow Man
Kevin Bacon delivers another fine, nuanced performance as the megalomaniacal scientist who uses his newfound invisibility to act out his sick, twisted sexual desires. Hey, it's a Paul Verhoeven film... what did you expect? Not a good time, I hope. (Bruce Reid) Factoria, Grand Alderwood, Neptune, Oak Tree, Pacific Place 11

The In Crowd
It's important for film scholars and fans alike to see all types of movies, but this will be the worst you'll see all year. Lower-class Adrien is befriended by Brittany, queen of the "in crowd," but soon learns wealthy people have problems too. They are all alcoholics and drug addicts, and we learn one of them has committed a couple of murders. In the great Hitchcock tradition, the resolution hinges on the damning evidence of an everyday item: lip gloss. (S. R. Burford) City Centre

L'Humanité
L'Humanité sometimes seems a risibly pretentious film, sometimes a needlessly shocking one. It is neither. Above all this is a film that believes deeply, and sees the beauty in every human soul--which it proves by examining in-depth an act of the greatest evil: In the Northern French countryside, someone has raped an adolescent girl and dumped her half-naked body for the ants to crawl over. (Bruce Reid) Grand Illusion

Loser
Small-towner Paul (Jason Biggs, the pie-fucking guy from American Pie) gets a scholarship to a New York City college where folks make fun of his silly hat. At school he falls for Dora (Mena Suvari, the rose-petal girl in American Beauty), who's busy shtupping her professor, but eventually... oh hell, it's a romantic comedy, what do you think happens? (Scott McGeath) Meridian 16

Mad About Mambo
Who is this William Ash kid? He's so charismatic and cute, he miraculously carries this entire formulaic reworking of Dirty Dancing (bizarrely strained through a sweaty Trainspotting football jersey). Unfortunately, he is paired with Keri Russell, who is so hideously unlikable, her own demographic turned against her because of a bad haircut. (Tamara Paris) Grand Alderwood, Pacific Place 11

Me, Myself and Irene
Dildos, dog shit, the suffering of children and animals, physical disabilities, graphic violence, and Jim Carrey's rote performance beamed to the camera via satellite while he was taking a nap all conspire to make this a film that future generations will undoubtedly study as a sort of Rosetta stone of our cultural sicknesses. (Tamara Paris) Lewis & Clark, Meridian 16

Michael Jordan to the MAX
Wonderfully cast, beautifully acted--a masterpiece! Seattle IMAX Dome Theatre

*Mission: Impossible 2
Criticizing the finer points of movies like Mission: Impossible 2 is like picking gnat shit out of pepper. I loved this movie. I loved the profligate back flips in the fight choreography; I loved the preposterous motorcycle chase/joust. But most of all, I loved the giddy sense of hyperbole and spectacle that coarsed through the whole enterprise. (Sean Nelson) City Centre, Meridian 16

Mysteries of Egypt
The twists and turns keep coming--a masterpiece! Omnidome

Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps
Stupid, but not without its moments. Eddie Murphy deserves some kind of special award for playing six characters, all of whom interact with (and even perform oral sex on) one another, but the screenwriters deserve to be banished for all the lame gross-out jokes that litter the story. (Bradley Steinbacher) Factoria, Grand Alderwood, Metro, Oak Tree, Pacific Place 11

The Patriot
Mel Gibson stars as Benjamin Martin, a sweet single father of seven who refuses to enter the brewing Revolutionary War because of his troubled past. But after being outraged when son number two is gunned down by a nasty Brit, you know the Gib will soon be unpacking his deadly tomahawk in the name of "FREEEEEDOOOMMMM!" (Gillian G. Gaar) Aurora Cinema Grill, Lewis & Clark, Meridian 16, Metro, Redmond Town Center

The Perfect Storm
In its favor, The Perfect Storm has two superlatives: George Clooney and some fine, boiling seas. Unfortunately, the film itself--fraught with ham-fisted drama; painfully stupid dialogue; downright insulting characterizations; and some of the worst accent coaching ever--is awful. (Jamie Hook) Factoria, Grand Alderwood, Metro, Oak Tree, Pacific Place 11

Pokémon 2000
Pokémon 2000 revolves around a vaguely evil scientist on an island, who's scheming to unleash the powers of various mystery pokémon on the world. He is ultimately thwarted by that plucky pokémon master-in-training, Ash. (Gillian G. Gaar) Factoria, Grand Alderwood, Meridian 16, Metro, Oak Tree

Rocky Horror Picture Show
The boy-meets-girl, boy-turns-into-girl, nerds-act-out-the-movie classic. Admiral

Saving Grace
Brenda Blethyn stars as a sheltered, small-town woman who turns to growing marijuana as a source of income. If you've seen a Cheech and Chong film, you've seen every gag here. This film won the Audience Award at Sundance; no surprise, as it drags out every lame crowd-pleaser in the book. This kind of tradition we don't need. (Bruce Reid) Guild 45th, Uptown

Scary Movie
In addition to quick parodies of dozens of teen horror flicks, Scary Movie is largely a satire of the Scream films--which are already satires (go figure). Director Keenen Ivory Wayans may have wanted to repeat the success of earlier physical comedy/sight gag films like Airplane or Animal House, but he wound up with something as torturous as an overwrought skit from SNL or his own Wayans Bros. sitcom. (Melody Moss) Meridian 16, Redmond Town Center

Shaft
John Singleton's Shaft is uninspired; it just pushes black macho beyond the limit of good taste and utility. The way Shaft brutally beats up the drug-dealing teenager with the butt of his gun, the way he calmly guns down the Latino gang members or nearly kills the judge with his badge--it's a little too much, you will agree. (Charles Mudede) Uptown

Shanghai Noon
Even the presence of Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson can't save this revisionist Western action comedy from the musty odor of the second-rate. Wilson and his co-star are to be credited for occasionally rising above the material, but there are much better ways to spend a summer afternoon. (Tom Spurgeon) Admiral

Shower
Contrary to what the lady's bottom in the advertisement promises, this film is populated almost exclusively by melancholic old men who predictably complain about youth and argue amongst themselves. Shower is comfort food for the cinema--bland, but soothing. (Jamie Hook) Seven Gables

Small Time Crooks
Woody Allen's 2000 entry is one of his unambitious, hoping-only-to-amuse movies. Too bad it's unoriginal, not very amusing, and a near waste of some of this world's greatest comic talent: Tracey Ullman, Elaine May, and Jon Lovitz. (Eric Fredericksen) Admiral, Crest

Space Cowboys
Along with voting and worrying about your body, one of your duties as an American is to see every Clint Eastwood film released, regardless of individual failures, hyperbole, plot holes, or any other mitigating factors whatsoever. So you, dear reader, should simply trust us when we say that Space Cowboys is a very good film that you will greatly enjoy. Factoria, Lewis & Clark, Meridian 16, Metro, Oak Tree, Redmond Town Center

T-Rex: Back to the Cretaceous
Probably the best film ever--a masterpiece! Pacific Science Center IMAX

Thomas and the Magic Railroad
Of all the villainous acts committed by the evil diesel locomotive, none is as blasphemous as when he mocks a verse from "I've Been Working on the Railroad": "Who," he asks "wants to work a lifelong day?" All right, no one gets sent off to hard labor, and it's not like there are signs hanging around reading "Arbeit macht frei"; but can't anybody, even a little blue steam engine, dream of doing more than just hauling coal around all day? (Bruce Reid) Aurora Cinema Grill, Lewis & Clark, Meridian 16, Metro, Redmond Town Center

What Lies Beneath
A well-preserved pair of thoroughbred movie stars find that all is not well in their gorgeous New England home, what with the dead girl in the tub and all. The whole damn thing is ripped right out of the Hitchcock how-to manual, so of course it succeeds fantastically at its admittedly simple goal: scaring you so badly you throw your popcorn all over the people in the row behind you. (Tamara Paris) Factoria, Grand Alderwood, Guild 45th, Meridian 16, Oak Tree

Wonderland
Wonderland finds Michael Winterbottom working in Super 16mm handheld, slinging the frame around as he follows intriguing actors like Ian Hart, Gina McKee, and Molly Parker through a London-set roundelay of not-that-intriguing, circumstance-befouled yuppie romance. Michael Nyman's insistent score weighs intensely on the general clutter. (Ray Pride) Metro

*X-Men
Most of the main characters are dead-on. Cyclops (James Marsden) is a total prig and Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) is badass--it's obvious why they'd gut each other just to kiss the lovely Jean Gray (Famke Janssen). The villains also work very well. Rebecca Romijn-Stamos barely says a word as the blue-gooed Mystique, but the evil in each sinister, slinky move says enough. Only Halle Berry screws the pooch, coming off as way too frail to play the African goddess, Storm. (Jamie S. Rich) Cinerama, Factoria, Metro, Northgate, Pacific Place 11, Redmond Town Center