8:00 WB GILMORE GIRLS

Omigod... I love this show! (And, btw, NBC's Ed is full of crap!)

10:00 NBC E.R.

Season Premiere! Carter returns from rehab just in time for a riot in the E.R.! Whoopee!

8:30 WB GROSSE POINTE

Hunter (the Shannon Doherty character) starts stuffing her face when she gets the leading role in The Monica Lewinsky Story.

9:30 MTV FEAR

Six post-teens are invited to enter a haunted prison and "pull that bitch off!"

8:00 ABC MISS AMERICA PAGEANT

The annual salute to three all-American favorites: sexism, lip gloss, and boob jobs.

10:00 COM SOUTH PARK

In a "very special episode," Cartman makes first contact with alien life in "Cartman Gets an Anal Probe."

9:30 WB THE PJs

Thurgood has some good advice for special guest Snoop Dogg: "Snoop Doggy Dogg needs to get a jobby-job!"

10:30 FX ACTION

Sandra Bullock knocks Peter on his ass after he casually mentions she might need some mustache bleach.

8:00 CBS KING OF QUEENS

Doug makes the startling realization that he is a goddam tub of lard.

10:00 COM STRANGERS WITH CANDY

Controversy erupts when Jeri writes a derogatory word on the school's wall.

8:00 WB BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER

The life of Buffy's b-friend, Riley, is threatened thanks to some lingering effects from the Initiative. Boo-hoo-hoo!

9:00 FOX DARK ANGEL

Max winds up in the slammer, and it's up to her lesbian buddy to bust her out!

8:00 WB DAWSON'S CREEK

Pacey is in the soup (but good!) when he sails into a rip-off of the movie The Perfect Storm.