8:30 FOX THE TICK
Debut! Patrick "Puddy" Warburton stars as the hilariously stoopid superhero.
9:00 FOX GONORRHEA PENINSULA 2
Debut! Four couples vs. 26 strains of gonorrhea... in a fight to save their relationships!
9:00 FOX 24
Kiefer Sutherland stars as a counterterrorist agent in this new show, in which every episode is set in "real time" (not counting the douche commercials, I guess).
10:00 VH1 THE GO-GO's IN CENTRAL PARK
Perky '80s gal group the Go-Go's perform in Central Park (not for an audience, just to get spare change to ride the subway).
8:00 TVLAND FACTS OF LIFE MARATHON
Take the good and take the bad in this multi-episode salute to Blair, Jo, Natalie, and Tootie!
8:30 ABC MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE--Movie
(1996) Tom Cruise stars as a secret agent who gets his drawers in a knot when the agency comes after him.
8:00 FX ELECTION--Movie
(1999) Reese Witherspoon runs for student council president in this dark, evil comedy that my Christian sister hated--and I, therefore, loved.
9:00 FOX THE X-FILES
Season Premiere! Scully gets pissed when the aliens who promised to steal her baby fly off, leaving her with a pile of dirty diapers.
9:00 COM ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS
Season Premiere! Brand-spanking-new episodes featuring the further adventures of Patsy and Edina, Britain's favorite lushes.
9:00 CBS MICHAEL JACKSON: 30TH ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL
An all-star salute to Michael Jackson's 30 years of scaring the shit out of children.
8:30 FOX THE BERNIE MAC SHOW
Debut! One of the original "Kings of Comedy" gets his own sitcom family--but this one might actually be funny!