8:30 FOX THE TICK

Debut! Patrick "Puddy" Warburton stars as the hilariously stoopid superhero.

9:00 FOX GONORRHEA PENINSULA 2

Debut! Four couples vs. 26 strains of gonorrhea... in a fight to save their relationships!

9:00 FOX 24

Kiefer Sutherland stars as a counterterrorist agent in this new show, in which every episode is set in "real time" (not counting the douche commercials, I guess).

10:00 VH1 THE GO-GO's IN CENTRAL PARK

Perky '80s gal group the Go-Go's perform in Central Park (not for an audience, just to get spare change to ride the subway).

8:00 TVLAND FACTS OF LIFE MARATHON

Take the good and take the bad in this multi-episode salute to Blair, Jo, Natalie, and Tootie!

8:30 ABC MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE--Movie

(1996) Tom Cruise stars as a secret agent who gets his drawers in a knot when the agency comes after him.

8:00 FX ELECTION--Movie

(1999) Reese Witherspoon runs for student council president in this dark, evil comedy that my Christian sister hated--and I, therefore, loved.

9:00 FOX THE X-FILES

Season Premiere! Scully gets pissed when the aliens who promised to steal her baby fly off, leaving her with a pile of dirty diapers.

9:00 COM ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS

Season Premiere! Brand-spanking-new episodes featuring the further adventures of Patsy and Edina, Britain's favorite lushes.

9:00 CBS MICHAEL JACKSON: 30TH ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL

An all-star salute to Michael Jackson's 30 years of scaring the shit out of children.

8:30 FOX THE BERNIE MAC SHOW

Debut! One of the original "Kings of Comedy" gets his own sitcom family--but this one might actually be funny!