Shallow Hal
dir. Farrelly Brothers
Opens Fri Nov 9 at several theaters.

Here's a warning for the dense, but not helplessly moronic, women out there who believe a skunky guy can change his stinky stripe: It's not going to happen. No shallow guy having experienced anything short of a catastrophic, maiming near-death experience--by the consequences of his own actions (and that's KEY)--will ever change into a sensitive, enlightened, standup individual, no matter how hard the makers of Shallow Hal attempt to convince you otherwise. I've got a succession of ladies who have gone out with the same flawed guy, against not only their own better judgment but against the tried-and-true advice of all who went before her, in hopes that he'd suddenly, inexplicably become the guy who offered up his heart of gold. It didn't happen, and it won't happen, because those "grass is always greener" types will always, no matter how fine the landscape is, be on the lookout for new turf. It's a fact. Just ask my ladies.

So the Farrelly Brothers (who directed, co-wrote, and produced not only Shallow Hal but Dumb & Dumber, There's Something About Mary, and Me, Myself & Irene) have handed out a whole load of horseshit in the form of Hal (Jack Black), a short, chubby jackass who, along with his loser sidekick, Mauricio (Jason Alexander), dates only fine, physically flawless women. After a chance encounter in a jammed elevator with motivational guru Anthony Robbins (who plays himself in the film), Hal gains the ability to see inner beauty as outer beauty, and falls in love with a 300-pound Peace Corps volunteer he thinks looks like Gwyneth Paltrow with falsies in her bra. Thanks to Mauricio's jealousy, however, Hal soon loses his new goggles. But does he go back to the way he was? Of course not, so all the heartbreaking fat gags and shameless, manipulative use of actors in burn-victim makeup is acceptable, right? Because we all got enlightened? Horseshit.