8:00 FAM WILLY WONKA--Movie
(1971) Naughty children are viciously disposed of by singing orange midgets.
8:00 OXY THE BIRDS--Movie
A party-time fun gal gets pecked by angry birds in this film from misogynistic weirdo Alfred Hitchcock.
8:00 TNT THE MATRIX--Movie
(1999) Keanu Reeves knows kung fu and can run up walls.
5:30 ABC ACADEMY AWARDS
All I'm gonna say is that if Patrick Swayze doesn't get a Lifetime Achievement award this year... I'm gonna go FREAKING PSYCHO!!!
9:30 NBC THE COLIN QUINN SHOW
A new live comedy show hosted by the former SNL cast member and brother of MTV veejay Martha Quinn.
10:00 ABC THE COURT
Debut! Christ! Another freaking show about the Supreme Court? Apparently they think we're interested in a bunch of old fat conservatives with hemorrhoids!
9:30 FOX GREG THE BUNNY
Debut! Nasty-ass puppets find work on a kid's show. Co-starring Seth "Oz" Green and Eugene "SCTV" Levy!
Send your odes to Tony Slice-a-Baloney to steve@thestranger.com.