Thursday, May 16

8:00 NBC FRIENDS

Heart-rending hilarity ensues when Rachel finally drops 8 lbs. of ugly fat (her baby, that is).


Friday, May 17

8:00 FOX M*A*S*H 30th ANNIVERSARY REUNION

Please. If you absolutely must watch this show, make sure there are no loaded weapons in the house!


Saturday, May 18

10:00 TBS ENTER THE DRAGON--Movie

Bruce Lee infiltrates the secret island of an opium lord and kicks 47 people in the nuts.


Sunday, May 19

8:00 FOX THE X-FILES

Mulder returns to the show, and is forced in a court of law to explain why his movie career has been so disappointing.


Monday, May 20

8:00 NBC FEAR FACTOR

Former champions return for an opportunity to win money and swim with crocodiles.


Tuesday, May 21

8:00 WB BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER

The moral? Never make a lesbian angry.

9:00 FOX 24

Jack solves the case and decides it's time for a change of clothes.


Wednesday, May 22

8:30 FOX CELEBRITY BOXING 2

Eight new wash-ups duke it out in the ring, including Joey Buttafuoco vs. John Wayne Bobbitt!

To all the girls I've porked before... steve@thestranger.com