Elimidate
Open auditions

Sat Aug 17 at the

Last Supper Club,

10 pm-2 am,

and at Polly Esther's, 10 pm-midnight.

We were downtown at the Lava Lounge. A couple of girls approached my buddy and asked him if he wanted to be a contestant on the reality TV dating show Elimidate. He said no, but that he knew somebody who would. That would be me.

The producer had me do a telephone interview, asking questions like, "What's the craziest thing you've ever done with a girl?" and, "Where's the craziest place you've ever had sex?" Then we did a video interview, with the same questions. Then I got a call telling me I was in, and asking me not to wear for the show what I wore in the video interview.

The "date" started at Anchor Tattoo in Ballard. I was one of four guys taking out this one girl--plus three camera guys, a couple sound guys, a producer, an assistant producer, and an assistant to the assistant producer. But the contestants are kept away from each other. They don't want you talking unless you're being filmed.

At Anchor, the chick pretended like she was going to get a tattoo. But after she dragged us all in there, she turned it around and said, "Be spontaneous and get a tattoo for me." I didn't do it, but two of the other guys did.

Physically, the chick was attractive, 5' 6," blond, definitely above average in looks. But beyond that I really couldn't describe her. She seemed intelligent enough, but the questions coming out of her mouth made her seem less intelligent. My opinion is they were leading her, because they sure as hell were leading us. They had a duffle bag full of booze--four or five fifths of different hard liquors. I think they figured, "Let's get 'em sauced up a little bit," so we'd act up. I didn't see anybody else drinking. As far as I know it was just me. I got drunk. Someone else got eliminated.

We end up going to the Ballroom in Fremont. By this time, the date had been going on for six hours. Aside from the contestants and crew, everyone at the Ballroom was a hired extra.

A band came in and played. During a break, the singer said, "I hear we have some people in the audience that play music." One of the other guy contestants jumped up: "Yeah, I play drums!" He got onstage and played this insane drum solo. He was incredible. When he was done, the singer said, "All right, we know there's somebody else here that plays drums." In the interview, I told the producers that I play drums, but there was no way I was going to play at the Ballroom. I told them, "No. This is ridiculous. I'm not doing it." They forced me. I played for about 10 seconds and sat back down.

The band started playing again and the producers shouted, "Time to dance!" I told them I didn't want to dance. They pulled me out of my chair and pushed me on to the dance floor. I told the chick, "Get rid of me. Elimidate me."

I ended up walking off the set. I left halfway through and got bitched out by the producer: "This is a $40,000 production!" She called me an asshole. I said, "Pay me a hundred dollars and I'll stay for another 10 minutes."

They paid me in cash. Normally no one gets paid. During filming I asked, "What's the prize if you win?" They said, "The girl's the prize." Well, it turned out that the girl lives in Arlington. I don't know if you know where Arlington is, but I painted a house there once.

Before they let me go I had to do a "post cut" interview. They asked, "Why do you think she eliminated you?" I said, "Because I told her to." The producer screamed, "Cut!" but the camera guy was shitting his pants laughing. His name was Bruce.

They asked if I had any parting words for my date. I remember I said, "Yeah--go home and watch Road Warrior." I don't know what it was supposed to mean. I was tired and drunk.

I haven't seen the episode yet, but a friend of mine taped it.

Interview by David Schmader