8:00 MTV VIDEO AWARDS

The favorite award show of 13-year-old boys (who'll be watching to see if Lil' Kim's boob is hanging out).

9:00 AMC ZIGGY STARDUST AND THE SPIDERS FROM MARS

David Bowie gets androgynous in this 1973 documentary featuring 17 of his hit songs.

9:00 COM SOUTH PARK MARATHON

Multiple episodes including Big Gay Al, Jesus, and an answer to the eternal question, "If I stick food up my ass, will I crap out of my mouth?"

8:30 TNN OBLIVIOUS

A video-rental clerk, a gas-station manager, and a salon shampooer answer questions to win money--without realizing they're on TV.

9:00 ABC ALIAS

Sydney and the gang have to pull Will's fat out of the fire! (New episodes start Sept 29!)

9:00 HBO CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM

Larry cuts the hair off a doll belonging to the daughter of an ABC executive, yet still finds time to accidentally trip Shaq during a Lakers game.

9:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL

It's down to the final two contestants, and to everyone who didn't vote for Tamyra--thanks a pantsload for making me look like a JACKASS!!!

10:30 MTV REAL WORLD

A new cast of sociopaths is chosen to live for six months (and lose their asses at the crap table) in Las Vegas.

Okay. Who needs a tampon? steve@thestranger.com