Thursday, May 1

8:00 CBS SURVIVOR: THE AMAZON The tribe kicks its scheming and backstabbing into high gear when the 11th person is voted off.

9:00 NBC WILL & GRACE Karen knows she's hit rock bottom when she's forced to hire Macaulay Culkin as her lawyer.

Friday, May 2

8:00 FOX BIG MOMMA'S HOUSE--Movie (2000) FBI agent Martin Lawrence dresses up as a grandma to catch a crook! You so craaaaaazy!

8:00 ANI PET STAR Weirdly talented animals strut their stuff. Tonight, a parrot drives a police car (while eating doughnuts and beating the shit out of black people).

Saturday, May 3

4:00 E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY The life and cocaine binges of Gimme a Break! star Nell Carter (partially narrated by yours truly!).

8:00 WB GLADIATOR--Movie (2000) Russell Crowe strips down to kick ass in this sword-swinging thriller.

Sunday, May 4

9:00 ABC ALIAS Season Finale! In this two-hour episode, Will gets charged with espionage, and Sydney puts on a lot of bikinis to make up for the crappy last few shows.

9:00 HBO SIX FEET UNDER The Fishers' father spins in his grave when the family learns about Ruth's new affair.

Monday, May 5

8:00 NBC FEAR FACTOR In a particularly subtle episode, the female contestants are forced to swim in a vat of dead mice.

Tuesday, May 6

8:00 UPN BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER Faith finds a chink in the First's armor, which is great, but they should really be working on a way to stop me from getting bored to death.

9:00 FOX 24 It's 5 am, and Jack finds the man who forged the Cyprus tape--which means he's three hours away from a shower and shave!

Wednesday, May 7

9:00 WB ANGEL Angel is given the opportunity to take over the evil law firm of Wolfram & Hart, which is certainly a step up in blood-sucking terms.

10:00 COM SOUTH PARK The kids discover that all life on Earth is actually an alien reality show that's about to be canceled!

I've got testosterone to loan!