Thursday, June 5

9:00 WB THE JAMIE KENNEDY EXPERIMENT Jamie goes to Las Vegas disguised as the rudest gambler ever and gets his legs broken by the Mob.

9:00 MTV 2003 MTV MOVIE AWARDS American Pie's Seann William Scott and *NSYNCer Justin Timberlake host this annual salute to Vin Diesel.


Friday, June 6

8:00 FOX FASTLANE Though canceled, you can still catch up on this hee-lariously cheesy action show, starting with tonight's pilot!

9:00 ANI PET STAR Really bored owners teach their pets ridiculously useless tricks. Tonight: a xylophone-playing pig!


Saturday, June 7

8:00 ABC SOUTH PACIFIC--Movie (1958) American naval forces spread syphilis to the natives of a South Pacific island in this feel-good musical.

8:00 FAM THE BAD NEWS BEARS--Movie (1976) Walter Matthau teaches a bunch of losers the fine art of playing baseball (starting with cursing and drinking beer).


Sunday, June 8

8:00 VH1 RISKY BUSINESS--Movie (1983) A Chicago youth (Tom Cruise) raises money for Princeton the old-fashioned way: setting up a whorehouse in his parents' place!

10:30 MTV JACKASS It's another normal day when Johnny gets doused by a fireman's hose, and Steve-O gets his butt cheeks stapled together.


Monday, June 9

8:00 FOX TEST THE NATION The studio audience and viewers at home are given an IQ test; hosted by the smartest woman in America, Leeza Gibbons.

8:00 HBO CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM Larry gets unwanted attention for his offensive pants, and for calling his wife "Hitler."


Tuesday, June 10

8:00 WB SMALLVILLE Sweet and innocent Clark goes buck wild after slipping a red kryptonite class ring on!

10:00 FX LUCKY Lucky begins to wonder if living in Las Vegas is the wrong thing to do if you're a compulsive gambler.


Wednesday, June 11

9:00 TRAV THE WORLD POKER TOUR It's fast-paced high-limit poker action on the high seas, when professional card sharks play for one million smackers on a cruise ship.

Making booty-scratchin' predictions since '94. steve@thestranger.com