Thursday, July 10

8:00 HIS COMIC BOOK SUPERHEROES UNMASKED A historical peek into why certain men sometimes feel the need to dress up in spandex.

10:00 TNN REN & STIMPY ADULT CARTOON SHOW Just like the old Ren & Stimpy, except with a LOT of references to anal sex.

Friday, July 11

8:00 ABC AMERICA'S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS Tonight, a monkey yanks off a woman's wig. I'm sorry, but there's nothing funnier in the world.

10:00 MTV SPIDER-MAN Debut! A new animated version of the web-slinger's adventures, with vocal talent provided by... Doogie Howser and Lisa Loeb?!? Ka-BOINGGG!

Saturday, July 12

8:00 AMC SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER--Movie (1977) John Travolta stars as a hot Italian stud who just wants to dance, dance, dance!

10:00 FX RIOTS: MOBS OUT OF CONTROL Video clips of actual riots (which if you didn't know are "mobs out of control").

Sunday, July 13

8:30 FOX BANZAI Debut! Viewers try to predict the outcome of crazy stunts, and whether or not this show is "racist."

9:00 MTV BASH! For some unearthly reason, celebrities spend an hour making fun of Carson Daly (which is just about as challenging as tipping a cow).

Monday, July 14

10:00 NBC WHO WANTS TO MARRY MY DAD? Debut! Meddling siblings try to hook up their unattractive single father. EWWW!

Tuesday, July 15

8:00 FAM CASPER THE FRIENDLY GHOST--Movie (1997) Why can't they simply tell kids the truth and call this movie Casper the Dead Baby?

9:00 WB SMALLVILLE A mysterious flower blooms, causing all of Smallville's residents to lose their inhibitions and hop on the horny train.

Wednesday, July 16

9:00 WB PEPSI SMASH Debut! A concert series starring Evanescence, the Black Eyed Peas, and the most delicious soft drink in the world, PEPSI! (This television listing paid for by Pepsi.)

9:00 TNN OCTOPUSSY--Movie (1983) James Bond is disappointed when he discovers that "Octopussy" is actually a cat with eight legs.

Canadians have bad breath, too.