Thursday, July 31

8:00 CBS THE AMAZING RACE One contestant asks another to hit him in the face in this episode entitled "Just Hit My Face. Hit My Face!"

9:00 FOX 101 THINGS REMOVED FROM THE HUMAN BODY Actual clips and stories of unusual objects pulled from people's bodies. The imagination reels.


Friday, August 1

10:00 MTV SPIDER-MAN Spidey gets the "shock" of his life when he discovers that his proctologist is actually Electro.

10:00 VH1 HOOTERS' 20TH ANNIVERSARY COUNTDOWN The famed restaurant chain celebrates 20 years of big boobs, tight shirts, and wearing shorts with panty hose (Eaaghhh!).


Saturday, August 2

8:30 NIK MY LIFE AS A TEENAGE ROBOT A robot faces the same challenges as normal kids while attending high school. This episode: An oil change gives our hero zits.

8:30 FOX COPS Girls go both wild and violent in this special episode entitled "Cops: Bad Girls Edition."


Sunday, August 3

8:00 E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY A behind-the-scenes peek at the relationship of Matt Damon and Ben Affleck (AKA the Siegfried and Roy of Hollywood).

10:00 FX NIP/TUCK Thinking about getting plastic surgery? You won't after checking out these down-and-dirty docs!


Monday, August 4

8:00 FOX ANYTHING FOR LOVE Get ready for some hilarious boo-hoo-hoo when participants share their true stories of heartbreak!


Tuesday, August 5

8:00 BRAVO QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY The "Fab Five" change the life of another beer-drinkin', ball-scratchin' breeder in this terrific new series!

9:00 FOX THE O.C. Debut! A bad-news East Coast kid moves to the rich 'burbs of Orange County in this new teenage soapster.


Wednesday, August 6

8:00 FOX THE 2003 TEEN CHOICE AWARDS Unlike the far more prestigious Humpy Awards™, the judging for this show is based solely on hormones.

9:00 ABC THE REAL ROSEANNE SHOW Debut! Roseanne Barr returns from the professional grave in this reality show about Roseanne creating a new reality show. How meta!

I Love Television™: the last true democracy. steve@thestranger.com