Thursday, Sept 28

8:00 CW SMALLVILLE

Season premiere! Clark is sentenced to jail in another dimension, where the inmates think he has "real purty mouth."

Sunday, Oct 1

8:30 CW THE GAME

Debut! Just in case you're ever in a really tough trivia match, this show is a spinoff of Girlfriends. Which you've never heard of.

Monday, Oct 2

9:00 ABC THE BACHELOR

Season premiere! The bachelorettes are ecstatic to be in Rome with a handsome guy—until half of them are sent home for being too ugly. HAW!

Tuesday, Oct 3

8:00 NBC FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS

Debut! A small high-school football team prepares for their first big game with some locker room ass grabbing.

Wednesday, Oct 4

9:00 ABC LOST

Season premiere! Jack, Kate, and Sawyer are imprisoned—until they can figure out some way of making this show interesting again.

E-mail: Not for old people! steve@thestranger.com