Film/TV Nov 18, 2008 at 10:46 am

The Leaked Guidelines for How to Make Sure Your Movie Is Kinkadey Enough

Jen Graves
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Comments

1
Wow.
on November 18, 2008 at 10:50 AM Report this
2
how can you make a movie based on fecal matter?
on November 18, 2008 at 10:51 AM Report this
3
So....straight to DVD?
on November 18, 2008 at 10:51 AM Report this
4
I think you can learn a lot about a person from their art. For example, I knew that Kinkade was a douchebag before I even read this post.

Does anybody else look at his name and think about a cool, refreshing beverage for kinky people? Kink-ade? Or is that just me?
on November 18, 2008 at 10:52 AM Report this
5
"Every scene is the best scene." Barf.
on November 18, 2008 at 10:53 AM Report this
6
Is it sponsored by the makers of Saccharin?
on November 18, 2008 at 10:53 AM Report this
7
Poor Peter O'Toole.
on November 18, 2008 at 10:53 AM Report this
8
How did this ever happen to Peter O'Toole?...
on November 18, 2008 at 10:54 AM Report this
9
I'm SO excited for this film! I've been waiting FOREVER!!! Yay!
on November 18, 2008 at 10:54 AM Report this
10
Who would play in this shit? It can't possibly be "paying the bills." This is just gross.
on November 18, 2008 at 10:56 AM Report this
11
The Hallmark Channel presents...
on November 18, 2008 at 11:00 AM Report this
12
this may very well be the most amazing fucking list ever compiled.
on November 18, 2008 at 11:02 AM Report this
13
Did you notice:

"This starts with Michael Campus as a Director who feels great love towards this project, and should filter down through the ranks."

He hasn't directed a movie since 1976. I reckon that sense you're picking up on is love for a paycheck, not the this movie.
on November 18, 2008 at 11:02 AM Report this
14
For fun, notice how much of a talentless douchebag I am.
on November 18, 2008 at 11:03 AM Report this
15
I went on a few dates with a guy before I found out he had a huge Thomas shitty Kinkade "painting" prominently displayed in his tiny apartment. He was so proud that he had payed those shitheads to "professionally" install it with crappy lighting and all. I made an excuse and RAN.
on November 18, 2008 at 11:04 AM Report this
16
forget Mormans...lets protest this self-promoting painter of shit
on November 18, 2008 at 11:04 AM Report this
17
EW EW EW EW I googled it and found this: http://www.thechristmascottagemovie.com/

It auto resizes your browser to fit the horror of the background and then starts playing some frightening intro movie from Tommy himself.

I think my soul just fled my body and entered that stelee in the morning news. It says it won't come back until the painter of light has been brutally murdered with a stick.
on November 18, 2008 at 11:06 AM Report this
18
I hope #8 was "Make sure Jared Padalecki takes his shirt off a lot." If so, I'm in.
on November 18, 2008 at 11:09 AM Report this
19
This is the case against God
on November 18, 2008 at 11:13 AM Report this
20
Peter O'Toole has been doing shitty movies since before most of us were born.
on November 18, 2008 at 11:14 AM Report this
21
He wants it to be just like "Barry Lyndon!" That's adorable! He thinks he's Kubrick!
on November 18, 2008 at 11:19 AM Report this
22
Perhaps I'm remembering this wrong, but didn't Kincade have a series of retail stores that were at Tacoma and SeaTac mall? No shopping centers, huh? That might ruin the concept of love maybe? Deconstruct at your leisure.
on November 18, 2008 at 11:24 AM Report this
23
Didn't you people fucking hear him? "LOVE THIS MOVIE!"
on November 18, 2008 at 11:31 AM Report this
24
Wow, now I have all the info I need to "Kincaid Up" my office space. Who knew you could use Kincaid like a verb?
on November 18, 2008 at 11:33 AM Report this
25
If there is any justice in the world, Thomas Kinkade will fall into a vat of boiling battery acid. Soon.

Peter O'Toole? WTF? That's just sad...
on November 18, 2008 at 11:35 AM Report this
26
He lefturinating on Winnie-the-Pooh off the list.
on November 18, 2008 at 11:38 AM Report this
27

If you think Kinkade is a douche for this, just be glad you didn't move into one of the houses here:



Ticky-tacky houses from "The Painter of …



Only consoling in knowing that plans for this development failed. Badly.

on November 18, 2008 at 11:40 AM Report this
28
@26: "Codpiece!"
on November 18, 2008 at 11:42 AM Report this
29
@24: Why can't you spell Kinkade correctly even though you presumably read the post, looked at the cover of the movie in the post, and read at least some of the comments?*

*I can't say I'm surprised.
on November 18, 2008 at 11:49 AM Report this
30
Hidden N's throughout — preferably thirty N's, commemorating one N for each year since the events happened.

What does that mean? I'm not well versed in anything to do with Revelations, but I just don't get this statement.
on November 18, 2008 at 11:54 AM Report this
31
@29: *huggles*
on November 18, 2008 at 11:58 AM Report this
32
One can only hope Thomas Kinkade dies in a fire started by his beloved candles. My mom used to really like his crap until she found out he was such a big Jesus freak.
on November 18, 2008 at 12:00 PM Report this
33
You're absolutely right @23 -

I am so going to love - NOT SEEING - this movie.
on November 18, 2008 at 12:00 PM Report this
34
Wow, what a complete twit.
on November 18, 2008 at 12:01 PM Report this
35
I live around the corner from the Thomas Kinkade National Archive. It's a gorgeous historic building that has been desecrated by being associated with that Douche of Light (tm). Anyway, I walked by it the other evening and they were having a world premiere for this film. From what I could tell, it was fancy-schmancy, with soft lighting and hor d'oeuvres and everything.
on November 18, 2008 at 12:02 PM Report this
36
I just threw up in my mouth a little - in soft, muted colors.
on November 18, 2008 at 12:11 PM Report this
37
The Stranger needs to host a holiday screening of this film, maybe as a Slog Happy event. I have never been certain as to whether Kinkade is a believer or an amazingly successful performance artist. I suspect that he is more of an L. Ron Hubbard-like figure: a modestly-talented person who created a monster after making a crazy bet with a friend in a bar one night.
on November 18, 2008 at 12:42 PM Report this
38
@33, I'm way ahead of you. I've already not seen this movie, and I loved it. I'm loving it now, in fact.

Peter O'Toole was a great actor once, but he's always been the biggest whore in pictures. He probably called his agent and said "I want this villa in France; hook me up with something. No, I don't give a shit what it is".
on November 18, 2008 at 12:42 PM Report this
39
Maybe this will be one of those things where no one who worked on this film will ever work again, and/or die horrible and unusual deaths. Hell, if I had the power I'd personally lay a curse each and every person working on this travesty.
on November 18, 2008 at 12:52 PM Report this
40
Wow. A world of no thank you. Also, I hate that stupid boy from the Gilmore Girls. He made that show worse, which I know doesn't sound possible, but it is true.
on November 18, 2008 at 1:33 PM Report this
41
Thomas Kinkade, Painter of Shite (TM).
on November 18, 2008 at 2:19 PM Report this
42
I'm sure it will be Kinkade-tastic!
on November 18, 2008 at 2:37 PM Report this
43
His children's names sound like a variety carton of cigarettes.

And sheesh, seeing this list reminds me of musician riders on TSG only cheesier and slightly creepy.
on November 18, 2008 at 2:43 PM Report this
44
I so want to see the David Schmader-Showgirls or the MST3K version of this...
on November 18, 2008 at 2:59 PM Report this
45
@3 Uhm, it's already available on DVD at Mr. Kinkade's website, OMG
on November 18, 2008 at 8:41 PM Report this
46
And.....how about the soft, muted colors of his NASCAR print?
http://www.thomaskinkade.com/magi/servle…
on November 18, 2008 at 8:43 PM Report this
47
Peter O'Toole and Marcia Gay Harden. Oscar winners. Actors who need money.

So sad they have to be affiliated with tripe like this.
on November 19, 2008 at 6:22 AM Report this
48
peter otoole? marcia gay hardin? WTF? is there nothing people won't do for money???
on November 19, 2008 at 6:28 AM Report this
49
A terrible painter attaches his dubious name to a terrible movie. Great. Just what we need. (Is this what those nutty end-timers have been talking about?)
on November 19, 2008 at 6:29 AM Report this
50
Rats, I'm sorry the development "inspired" by Thomas Kinkade never got off the ground. I'd have moved to California just to live there. It would have been like spending the rest of my days in a life-sized Thomas Kinkade Christmas Village. Read the description below and you'll understand my bitter disappointment. I myself would have been illuminated from within at the prospect of meeting Mr. Kinkade down by the skating pond.

Meticulously handcrafted of artist's resin, recreating a charming "village" based upon Thomas Kinkade's original art and filled with intricate details - you can even see the artist, seated by the skating pond

• 12 buildings and 40 characters are all hand-painted, embraced by lifelike pine branches covered in sparkling "snow"

• Illuminated from within - light glows from every beautiful building and the translucent golden crystalline star tree topper for the perfect Thomas Kinkade holiday home decor

on November 19, 2008 at 6:41 AM Report this
51
Oh wow, Peter O'Toole? Geez, Laweez. I can't wait to see this winner!
on November 19, 2008 at 6:50 AM Report this
52
OMG, I don't think I have ever needed to run to the bathroom faster than at this very moment......I think it started when I read his kids names.....WTF.....The endtimes can not happen fast enuf!! Mean it.
on November 19, 2008 at 6:55 AM Report this
53
#16 is hilarious. Especially if you read it with the voice of the great aspiring screenwriter/director/actor from "The Office"...

Michael Scott: Most important concept of all — THE CONCEPT OF LOVE. Perhaps we could make large posters that simply say "Love this movie" and post them about. I pour a lot of love into each painting, and sense that our crew has a genuine affection for this project. This starts with Michael Campus as a Director who feels great love towards this project, and should filter down through the ranks. Remember: "Every scene is the best scene."
on November 19, 2008 at 7:40 AM Report this
54
Well it has Jared Padalecki in it, is it too much to hope for that the movie is about a demonic painter / faux Christian that lives by preying on stupid people and making them buy his horrific paintings, each of which is coated in a brain retarding substance that makes people shop at Walmart? Maybe Sam and Dean are the stars of the movie and the grand finale involves the decapitation of the demonic painter by an angry Sam Winchester.

Also, maybe Sam and Dean hook up with highly attractive young "hunters" somewhere during the movie and both of the Winchester boys end up naked.
on November 19, 2008 at 7:48 AM Report this
55
This is the most horrifying thing I have ever seen.
on November 19, 2008 at 8:24 AM Report this
56
Why does Marcia Gay Harden look like a dude, and Jared Padelcki look like a woman? Maybe this movie isn't as wholesome as we're led to believe.
on November 19, 2008 at 8:39 AM Report this
57
I looked at some of Kinkade's appalling paintings on his web site, as I'd never heard of him before (thank god). On the two I viewed, both had major problems with perspective -- his Brooklyn Bridge, if constructed as he painted it, would bend in the middle, and Manhattan Island would be oddly bulbous, with outsized buildings downtown looming over midtown. The quaint church I saw had a chimney that leaned precariously forward. The guy can't even get basic perspective right -- and he's filthy rich. 1) that's repulsive; 2) how can I replicate his success?
on November 19, 2008 at 9:54 AM Report this
58
It is now safe to say Hollywood is being sent to the concentration camps. Hollywood is dead.
on November 19, 2008 at 10:11 AM Report this
59
You people act like you never ordered you art from the TV.
on November 19, 2008 at 2:18 PM Report this
60
The faker of light's "paintings" make me ill, this movie would probably damn near kill me!
on November 19, 2008 at 7:23 PM Report this
61
Marcia Gay Hardon. That's gotta be fake.
on November 20, 2008 at 12:57 AM Report this

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