AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! I am so ANGRY! Way to suck dick, Hollywood. Way to squander a golden decade of ME, Diane Keaton, in my sexual and sensual and homosexual and pansexual prime! And my professional prime! Listen. I understand. Accidents happen. Man is flawed. I, Diane Keaton the Great and Terrible, have regretted many, many things in my millennia of existence. The Great Chicago Fire, for instance. My biznad! And remember the song "Who Let the Dogs Out?" I wrote that for Haley Joel Osment for his bar mitzvah. (I was hoping he'd introduce me to M. Night Shyamalan. Turns out, not Jewish.) Also, lupus! I invented that. Sorry. (I was trying to figure out a way to kill Meryl Streep without damaging her cool, creamy, porcelain skin. Didn't pan out.) But ANYWAYS, Hollywood, now that the decade is grinding to a woefully Diane Keatonless close, I think it's time for YOU to take a look back. At all the shit in which you failed to cast me, Diane Keaton. Bitchez.

1. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)

Oh god, this piece of shit again. You know the part when Éomer, son of Éomund, is all, "What business does an elf, a man, and a dwarf have in the Riddermark? Speak quickly," and then Gimli is all, "Give me your name, horse-master, and I shall give you mine," and then Éomer goes, "I would cut off your head, dwarf, if it stood but a little higher from the ground," and then out of nowhere Legolas goes, "You would die before your stroke fell, bitchez!!!" BAM! That scene is lifted wholesale from my acclaimed autobiography These Boots Were Made for Fucking: The Diane Keaton Story (by Diane Keaton, America's Sweetheart), only instead of Éomer, Gimli, and Legolas, it was Robert Evans, Abe Vigoda, and me, Diane Keaton. Classic. But did Peter Jackson come knock-knock-knockin' on heaven's door when casting time came around? Not once. That fat hobbit. Hairy hole-dwelling fuck.

2. Cthulhu (2007)

This was a real slap in the face, dicklickers. Everyone knows that H. P. Lovecraft based his character Cthulhu—gargantuan protoplasmic squid god from the blackest depths of the human soul—on ME, Diane Keaton! But did they even contact me for the movie? NOPE. Way to forget which side your doomsday cult is buttered on, humans.

3. No Country for Old Men (2007)

QUESTION. Why doesn't Diane Keaton get cast in any respectable movies anymore? You know, films? The kind that win awards? The kind that get Diane Keaton some respect? Remember when I was in the fucking Godfather? WHAT THE FUCK! Now it's all Nancy Meyers this, and sidekick-to-Queen-Latifah that, and smile-through-your-tears this, and I'm-an-older-lady-but-still-a-sexual-being that. What am I, a doily? Answer the question. Am I a doily? AM I A DOILY. ANSWER THE QUESTION.

4. Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire (2009)

Come on! I can play fat! And black! Give Diane Keaton a chance!

5. It's Complicated (2009)

JUST TELL ME WHAT I HAVE TO DO, HOLLYWOOD. WHAT IS IT!? DO I HAVE TO KILL MERYL STREEP AND WEAR HER SKIN!?!!? BECAUSE I WILL. I AM DIANE KEATON AND I SWEAR ON THE BOUNDLESS DAEMON SULTAN AZATHOTH THAT YOU WILL ALL GET LUPUS AND REGRET THE DAY YOU DID NOT CAST DIANE KEATON!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!