Over the course of my medium-length life, I have wanted many things. Pizza, for instance (right now). And the widest bell-bottoms possible (7th grade). And a "beading loom" (you were right, Mom). And world peace (psych, I'm totally a war profiteer!). But never, ever have I wanted anything as much as I want to reveal the ending of The Beaver to you in this column right now. Uuuuuugh, life is HARD. Now I know how Precious from the movie Precious feels!
The Beaver—in case you've missed the past year of pop culture because you're, I don't know, the Helen Keller of baby oysters—is supposed to be Mel Gibson's big "comeback" movie, in which he "proves" that he's "not" crazy by "pretending" to be an alcoholic who thinks his arm is a beaver. Specifically, Gibson plays Walter, a family man and toy-company CEO whose life unravels after he plunges into a deep and sticky depression. While at a Dumpster throwing away his memories (he needs the trunk space for more vodka), Walter spies a disgusting garbage-beaver and promptly sticks his arm up it. The garbage-beaver promptly takes over Walter's life.
The Beaver should be commended, at certain moments, for its unromantic, nonsensationalized grasp of mental illness—that people's brains really do turn on them, people really do behave in fucking outlandish ways beyond their control, and other people really do still love those people. That said, The Beaver is, at best, a boring and rather uncreative study of White Male American Malaise (did you know that depression is "a black hole"? And that graffiti is "like art, just illegal"?). At worst, it's an unintentionally hilarious failure.
Now. The ending. In keeping with The Chicago Manual of Style, I have opted to disguise the spoiler in the form of a centaur chief giving a motivational speech to his battalion of centaur troops who are under siege by a wizard and forced to survive on oats and hay like common beast-horses. Just take the first letter of every word, string them together, and you'll find out the secret ending of The Beaver starring Mel Gibson!
Hello, Eager Centaurs. Understand, This Siege Has Ignobly Sullied Our Warlike Nature. Aaaaaaaahhh! Really!? Munching Oats For Food? What?! It's Truly Humiliating. A Folly Unprecedented. Cats, Kings, Imps, Newts! Great Shame. All Weep.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT!? AAAAAHAAAHAHAAHAAHAHAHA!!! And then... and then he gets his family back. Ha-ha. SERIOUSLY. Now, I know times are tough for you right now, Real Mel Gibson, but please don't get any ideas. Also, chin up, centaurs. You too, Precious. Peace (psych).