Captain America: Civil War Is Such a Fucking Mess, I Don't Know Where to Start

Comments

1
"You MUST sit through all the credits for the bonus scene!"
2
So, because you think that the main character's choices are wrong (a proposition that is wonderfully debatable), that means the movie is a mess? Cause to me, that shows it as something with more depth than your average "good guys blow up the aliens" blockbuster. Also, his actions aren't always shown to be correct: protecting Bucky never actually helps anything, causes all sorts of problems with the government and the other Avengers, and they just end up putting him on ice at the end of the movie anyway.

And Ant-Man's presence is problematic because it make the fight scene what? - more fun? There were never supposed to be deadly stakes in that scene. Because the stakes in that fight were not life-and-death, It leaves the story with somewhere to go when it gets narrower later in the movie - it's just Cap, Iron Man and Bucky, but they're not holding back anymore. If they had been trying to kill each other at the airport, you'd be complaining that it's a mess because the final fight is a huge letdown.

So, to sum up, you're complaining because the plot was well-structured to make the stakes get consistently heightened over the course of the movie, and because the main character's actions were in a moral grey area. Oh, and you still think the movie is "entertaining as hell." Putting a bad movie review into speech bubbles in a comic strip doesn't make it any better than just writing it out as an essay.

Oh, if you don't like the mid-and-post-credit scenes, then skip them. I don't think they put guards at the doors of the movie theater, and you don't need to see any of them to understand the next movie that comes along.
3
"Oh, he just directly caused a building full of civilians to blow up."—No, he did not. Scarlet Witch directly caused it by heaving the explosion skyward. Which she did to protect the many civilians on the ground (and Captain America) from blowing up. Which she had to do because *the villain was blowing himself up* to kill Cap and anyone else who might be around. Which the villain was doing because *Cap beat him and was about to take him into custody, ending the conflict and preventing further harm to the general public*. Cap is the least at fault in that situation. But, good job demonstrating how the Sokovia Accords come about in the film—by the public not knowing or caring to know the real story of what happened.
4
Even better than the police blotter. Callan should do the whole blog.
5
This movie drove me slightly batty, too.

The "good" guys and the "bad" guys fight at the airport -- and destroy vast quantities of buildings and equipment? To what end? Maybe that little detail was buried in there somewhere, but these huge fight scenes bore the pee out of me. How many different ways can you hit someone?

The very definition of insanity -- repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result.

And the Bechtel test... was anyone paying attention? I wasn't, until it was all over. Did the women even make fricking fracking EYE CONTACT, much less talk to each other? If they did, it was extremely minor.

Lazy screenwriting. Lazy penis-centric screenwriting. Can't even come up with ONE SCENE.

I may be wrong about that -- please enlighten me if I am. There is no way I am sitting through that again.
6
Homer was pointing out how silly it was when the gods joined the fight in the Trojan War, because, being immortal, they had nothing to lose and nothing really at stake. Only mortals, risking actual death in battle, could fight with dignity. But Achilles had the same problem, since everyone knows that Hector isn't going to kill him. And of course everyone knows who will be alive in all of the books after the Iliad, so there's that.

So yeah, this kind of thing, creating tension and trying to get the audience to care about what is happening in the show, has been a problem since always. But, since always, people have really wanted stories with invincible heroes they know will be alive in the next episode. So there's no real answer.
8
@6 - Forsooth. The ground is thick with examples of stories that are compelling and satisfying without the tension of wondering who's gonna die. Episodes of Star Trek or Doctor Who or whatever - you know for a fact none of the principles are going to die because that's not a convention of the genre. And yet some of the episodes are really good. Others not so good.

And if a weekly TV show can pull it off, then so can a blockbuster.
9
I'd love to be more supportive of you here, but Spiderman really is worth it.
10
It's a very good Iron Man movie. It's not a good Captain America movie.
11
Jesus fuck, I can't believe supposed adults are arguing about a bunch of comic book "characters".
Grow the fuck up.
12
Isn't helping a crusty fugitive friend and not wanting the US government to regulate your action the plot of most of the Police Reports Illustrated?
13
Who fucking cares so much about this that they need to write a stupid internet comic about it?

--posted by a guy who gives enough of a fuck to make an internet comment about it
14
@10 has it right. Great movie on the Iron Man franchise scale, and pretty great even on the Avengers scale. But Cap's movies have been the gold standard; more grounded, with minimally noticeable CGI and stories that owe more to '70s era political potboilers than typical comic book tropes. You can tell in the opening fight sequence they've lost that thread; it's a mess. Everything is amped to 11, like a goddamn video game.

There are some good moments, but it's nowhere near the standard set by the first movie, or Winter Soldier...easily the best of all the Marvel movies. Civil War is just not in that class.
15
@14, no everything is amped to 11, like a goddamn COMIC BOOK.

16
It's kinda funny that you indirectly referred to Trump in regards to this movie.

Because Trump is actually why I think Iron Man's argument is awful.

In the real world if you actually had something like the Accords no matter how it is written the US would have a lot of influence on how it is actually implemented.

One of the areas that the POTUS has a great deal of influence would be..foreign policy.

So it isn't exactly a stretch to say that in what the Avengers did, the POTUS would be a pretty significant stakeholder.

Which means that Donald Trump could order them to fight immigrants. Or Ted Cruz could send them against transgender kids who want to pee in peace. Or Bernie Sanders could use them to fight the 1%. Or Hillary Clinton could do..whatever it is that would make conservatives super upset that she would do.

Even within the movie itself they proved this point when Stark found conclusive evidence that Captain America was right. The government guy's response, "So? They are staying in prison."
17
Wow, Is this one of those "first world problems" gags?
18
What the fuck do you expect from Disney, the Comcast/Microsoft of "entertainment". Bunch of MBAs turning the crank, extruding this garbage.
19
Fuck this guy. He didn't understand what he was watching.
20
I loved this movie, it was non-stop action, humor, and super powers, and all delivered high speed Marvel style. No Hulk or Thor, though, but we did get to see Ant Man do his Giant Man thing, just like in the comic, and we met Black Panther and his vibranium suit, very cool.

This is what I love about Marvel's movies, they're the comic books I read as a boy in the 60's, coming to life right before my very eyes. We finally have the tech to do it right and for an old comic book guy like me, it's kind of like having a dream come true.
21
#5 You failed the "Bechdel" test by spelling ot incorrectly.
22
...and I just failed the call-out test by spelling *it wrong.
(Walks into operating propeller)