When the Bough Breaks, the second-highest-grossing film last weekend, is the story of John and Laura Taylor (portrayed by Morris Chestnut and Regina Hall), a rich and beautiful couple desperate for a baby. After many failed attempts at conception, they decide to put all their hopes, and their ālast viable embryo,ā in the uterus of Anna (Jaz Sinclair), a young surrogate with the vacant stare that reminds you of the most drug-addled folks of the 1970s cult films. The film opens with Laura staring at a video of Anna discussing with the surrogate screener why she wants to be a surrogate. Anna looks sedated and dim, her eyes in a crooked squint and her mouth in a vague smile. She looks like a stoned deer. This is the face Anna makes during the entire movie. Itās her innocent face, her scheming face, her scary face, her sexy face. I did a Google Image search of āstoned deerā to ensure the accuracy of my description, andātrust meāitās spot-on. āLook at her eyes,ā Laura says when sheās explaining to the surrogacy service why she wants to choose Anna, as if thereās anything to be found in those eyes other than quaaludes.
The Taylors invite Anna and her fiancĆ©, Mike (whom Iāll call CreepyMurderFace, because apparently thatās his go-to look), over to dinner. Anna sits there looking like a stoned deer while Mike creeps everyone out with his murder face, and the Taylors think: āYes, these are the people who should have our baby for us.ā Unbeknownst to John and Laura, the complete stranger they have just met and decided to trust their only embryo to is not the vacant, squinty, emotionless innocent she seems. Sheās instead a vacant, squinty, emotionless murderer who is planning with her boyfriend CreepyMurderFace to use the surrogacy to scam the Taylors for moneyābefore she abandons the scam after falling madly in love with John and decides to replace Laura as the mom in their soon-to-be family. Danger, seduction, and intrigue areā¦ mildly suggestedā¦ as Anna weaves a very meandering web that she hopes to ensnare John and Laura in.
What follows is two hours of vacant/menacing stares and vacant/menacing threats, some really pathetic attempts at seduction, even more pathetic attempts at sabotage, a few unnecessary and uninteresting plot twists, a bonkers amount of pet-murder foreshadowing (spoiler alert: the cat dies), a lot of bad decisions by everyone involved, and a really horrible made-for-TV soundtrack as Anna tries to steal the worldās most boring husband from his equally boring wife. By the end of the movie, you just donāt care. You donāt care about boring John or his boring wife, you donāt care if John loses his job, you donāt care about CreepyMurderFace (and itās obvious the screenwriters didnāt either), you donāt care about Annaās weird and unchanging stoned-deer face, you donāt care about the baby, and you donāt care about the doomed cat. All you will care about is the strange nature of time and how the people who made this movie managed to pack so much nothing into 107 minutes.
This movie is bad. Itās not bad in a funny way, or bad in a campy way, or bad in an educational way. Itās just bad. Bad from the very first scene until the very lastāa boring, wasteful bad that has you wishing you had stayed home to stare at the wall instead.Iām sad thatāeven though this film is very, very badāpeople will still see it. Iām sad that studios know that they can throw a shitty script and some shitty production and a shitty soundtrack together and they can count on making a profit because this is how desperate we are to see black people in film. Iām sad that the talents of Morris Chestnut and Regina Hall are wasted on such an unoriginal mash-up of every ācrazy sexy stalkerā movie thatās ever been made. Iām sad that Sony has been able to build a franchise with Screen Gems that consistently provides lukewarm, formulaic entertainment to black audiences desperate to see black faces on their screen (see Obsessed, No Good Deed, and The Perfect Guy), while talented black filmmakers languish unseen and unpaid. But mostly Iām just bored. I want more, and Iād be willing to spend money on more. I donāt think Iām alone.
You shouldnāt see this movie. You shouldnāt pay money for it and you shouldnāt see it for free. Itās not an outrage to see this movieāit is not offensive or amoral to waste your time on thoroughly subpar artābut just know that if you were instead to light your money on fire, youād at least have some pretty flames to look at.