RuPaul's Drag Race is a twee show that highlights the systematic problems the gay community must endure. This week: the Kardashians.

Well, at least it isn’t Wicked. RuPaul, increasingly more concerned about optimizing the show for search engines than creating interesting challenges, makes the girls perform a musical based on the Kardashians this week in "Reality Stars: The Musical." Musical is a generous word for the challenge, although Todrick Hall jokes that their performances deserve a Tony, which only reinforces my suspicion that all YouTube sensations have poor taste. (YouTube stars are just Disney stars, but for adults.) You know what? I take it back. I actually wish they did Wicked instead. Nina Bo’Nina Brown would totally rock it as a thic Elphaba.

Valentina and Farrah are too hot for the clap.
Valentina and Farrah are too hot for the clap.

This week, mini-challenges return! After plenty of online griping, fans get the beloved mini challenges back this week, only to be disappointed because it's a... selfie mini challenge? Lame. (Highlight: Valentina's "quick drag" is 10x more flawless than most queens' "3-6 hour prep drag.") For some reason that isn't clear, Alexis Michelle wins the mini-challenge, which means she gets to cast "Kardashian: The Musical." Everyone's chill with their parts, except Nina, who is adamant that she should be Blac Chyna. I truly, really, honestly never expected to hear the name Blac Chyna so many times on RuPaul's Drag Race.

During rehearsals, Farrah reveals another thing she can't do: clapping. (For those of you keeping track, she can't vacuum, hot glue, or clap.) Farrah and Valentina then spend a day getting into makeup but somehow don't have time to practice a very basic clapping routine.

Meghan Trainor guest judges. Wait, is she the one responsible for the Great Big Godawful Animal Onesie Trend of 2016? If so, that explains my inexplicable dislike of her.
Meghan Trainor guest judges. Wait, is she the one responsible for the Great Big Godawful Animal Onesie Trend of 2016? If so, that explains my inexplicable dislike of her.

WTF Is Her Trajectory In This Competition? Peppermint continues her producer-given path of being the queen to give face whenever someone says something problematic. Oh, Eureka has something to say about being ghetto? Cue Peppermint. Oh, Eureka has something to say about eating disorders? Cue Peppermint. Basically, Peppermint is a sane foil to Eureka's endearing belligerence. But when will Peppermint give us something other than ill-fitting pink skirts? (It's not just young queens who can't sew, y'all.) With the show already crafting a narrative around Shea, Sasha, and Valentina's success, is it too late for Peppermint to push through? Next week is Snatch Game, so it'll be a make or break moment for Miss Peppermint.

OMG Valentina! Last week, Valentina asked the girls if she could talk about a few disorders she suffers from (because on RPDR the only appropriate thing to do while putting on makeup is talk about past trauma). Eureka interrupted her with "eating disorders," which then made Sasha jump to Valentina's defense. Looking back, it might've been a truly catty moment, because Valentina confesses this week that she has (and does) struggle with an eating disorder (and Eureka might've known this when she made her snide comment). Eureka, now in crutches because that cheerleading challenge fucked everyone up on week two, apologizes profusely this week. Shea and Sasha also confess they've struggled with eating disorders. While tearfully watching, I was reminded of this thing I found on Reddit:

I will name her Valentina an love her and squeeze her and hug her.
I will name her Valentina and love her and squeeze her and hug her.

For the main challenge, we get a strange, musical history of the Kardashian media takeover. It all started at Les Deux Nightclub in Hollywood in 2006. Britney and Paris and Lindsay were hanging out, showing off their cooters (this is the RPDR interpretation, not mine), when Kim Kardashian came on over and was like, "How do you get famous?" She didn't get answers, but then her mom decided to create a media empire. Blah blah blah Kim has a baby that looks like Eureka on crutches and baby Eureka takes over the galaxy. (Yes, that's the narrative.) Highlights from the challenge: Alexis Michelle is killer as Kris Jenner. Shea slays as Blac Chyna. Everyone else waddles around aimlessly.

For the runway, the girls are asked to serve “Faux Fur Fabulous.” Trinity Taylor delivers straight up swamp rat. Nina Bo’nina Brown gives “Mary J Blige in the ‘90s goin’ to get milk in the middle of winter in Chicago” (as described by Carson Kressley). Eureka hobbles down the runway in crutches as RuPaul yells, “There’s a whore in Whoville!” (Eureka, by the way, doesn’t look like a who, but mayhaps a whore.) And Mama Ru reminds us that she’s the motherfuckin’ queen of a judging panel when she asks Nina (who complains she was sabotaged by not being assigned the role of Blac Chyna), “What we just heard, [Nina], was a conspiracy theory that sounded more like paranoia. Is this an ongoing theme throughout your life?” Nina gives a single, eyeliner-filled tear, which I assume means, “Duh, Mama. Of course I’m paranoid. My outfits are something a high person makes after reading too much Art Spiegelman.”

Cynthia and Farrah end up in the bottom two for their lackluster performances and runways. Continuing with this theme, they both deliver an equivalently lackluster lip sync. Farrah's is a bit worse, but Cynthia shouldn't even be here this season. BUTTTTTTTT! Trickery happens, y'all. A big bamboozle. A producer comes onstage and Ru goes offstage. She apparently talks to Eureka's doctor, who says, "Girl, you broke Eureka's leg when you made them do Bring It On." So... Eureka gets SENT HOME.

WINNER WINNER: Shea Couleé. Her performance in the challenge is brief but she gives us perfect Blac Chyna, and her Jeremy Scott-inspired runway look is très club kid meets Jaymes Mansfield.

BYE BYE: Um... Eureka? But don't worry, that whorish who will be back on season 10 with more problematic commentary.

And the local queen says…

Old Witch is a drag queen who wouldn’t watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians. You’re more likely to find her creeping around restricted sections at the Seattle Public Library or performing a Marilyn Manson lip sync in West Seattle. And that’s exactly why I asked her to summarize the plot of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, a show she’s never seen. Here she goes:

"Seemingly harmless matriarch Mama K and her children, Kimberly, Karla, Kankersore, Kathy, Klapback and The Kid, open a store in Calabalakhakiasses, CA, called “OK, Things.” Curiously, Mama K doesn’t accept cash for purchases. She allows her customers to pay by playing small pranks on fellow celebrities and professional sports men. While the pranks start out as innocuous jokes, they quickly devolve into mayhem. Mama K and her brood’s influence soon has this once peaceful gated community in the midst of murderous turmoil. Featuring a cameo from Caitlyn Jenner because IDK."

Sounds about right.

You can find Old Witch performing regularly at Art Haus 3.0, as well as other spooky gigs throughout town.