It's difficult for me to admit this, but up until two months ago, I had never eaten a single thing from Jack in the Box. Since July, I have been to see Jack at least 10 times. What the hell was I thinking all these years? I am filled with regret when I think about how, when I lived just behind the post office on Broadway, I once awoke, horrified and hungover, to find a half-eaten Dick's Deluxe in my bed. To think I could have been spooning with Jack! I've always had a strange and inappropriate crush on Jack, what with the suit and fancy commercials, and the silhouettes of him holding a megaphone.

I will always vividly recall my first (late-night, drunken, sloppy) encounter with Jack's Sirloin Cheese Burger ($2.99, or $5.99 for combination meal with fries and a soda)—dense, potato-y bun, seasoned moist ground sirloin, lettuce, tomato, bracing and creamy peppercorn mayo, pickle fillet, red onion, and cheddar cheese. I really believe that Jack in the Box offers the highest-quality fast food around. I've heard rumors that this quality turnaround is due to a horrible E. coli problem Jack had in the 1990s—but I don't care about the past. I'm looking forward to a long and happy future with Jack. recommended