Food & Drink Aug 16, 2010 at 4:55 pm

Pop-Tarts: The Retail Experience

Bethany Jean Clement
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Comments

1
Pop-Tarts : Cookies poorly disguised as breakfast
AccidentalKate on August 16, 2010 at 4:57 PM Report this
2
Toaster strudels.

Because you can get all the goo all over everything.
Will in Seattle on August 16, 2010 at 4:59 PM Report this
3
Sand. You could replace them with a mouthful of sand, with a little boiling hot jam mixed in.
Fnarf on August 16, 2010 at 5:04 PM Report this
4
Sweetened cardboard. Just buy a box of real cookies and quit the pretense.
keshmeshi on August 16, 2010 at 5:14 PM Report this
5
the cherry flavor had its appeal
Max Solomon on August 16, 2010 at 5:20 PM Report this
6
I like Pop Tarts, and if they didn't make me fat I would eat them.

There, I said it.
Hover Dog on August 16, 2010 at 5:30 PM Report this
7
I'll eat the shit shit outta some Pop Tarts, but usually out of desperation, and because I'm at my second employer that stocks them free for the office. I don't even remember ever having one as a kid. Who the fuck would buy those for their kids?*

* I realize the answer to that is, sadly "lots and lots of people."
Dougsf on August 16, 2010 at 5:31 PM Report this
8
My hippie Mom would never, ever buy these for me. I would drool over the ads - they're hot! They're sugary! I WANT THEM!! I still remember the profound sense of disappointment I had when I finally got to try one.
teamcanada on August 16, 2010 at 5:36 PM Report this
9

PopTarts commercials could send any 60s kid in to fits of hypoglycemia, but the actual product disappointed. No hot flowing icing and soft cake with melty fruit layers, just a cardboard brick.

Supreme Ruler Of The Universe on August 16, 2010 at 5:44 PM Report this
10
I can't get over the fact that the nutrition professor they brought on to badmouth junk food is named Nestle. After each sentence, I mentally say "well YOU'RE one to talk, spreading your delicious Toll House Cookies everywhere!"
stuckie on August 16, 2010 at 5:45 PM Report this
11
It would be nice if tomorrow BJC and Mudede could swap topics. She would post something about breasts and he could post an analysis of poptarts.
stinkbug on August 16, 2010 at 5:46 PM Report this
12
The only time I had some was a box of I think Blueberry pop tarts I stole from the local IGA when I was in second grade. And even with the 5 finger discount they were way over priced pieces of crap that I could only eat one bite of before throwing them all into a garbage can.

Cato the Younger Younger on August 16, 2010 at 5:47 PM Report this
13
My favorite breakfasts were the monster cereals (Count Chocula, Booberry, Frankenberry, Fruit Brute), and Lucky Charms. Always saved the marshmallows for last.

Pop tarts? Meh.

seandr on August 16, 2010 at 6:34 PM Report this
14
@8 I had the same experience, but with Marshmallow Fluff, thinking it would be sooo much better than the soy flax granola and vegetarian meatballs that my (also) hippie mom made us eat. I didn't try Pop Tarts until I was an adult with kids of my own, and my dad gave them to my toddlers...they spit them out and then tried to wipe off their tongues.
Canuck on August 16, 2010 at 6:38 PM Report this
15
What to replace Pop Tarts with?

Um.. actual pastry?
Pope Buck I on August 16, 2010 at 6:38 PM Report this
16
I thought television was childhood memory in a rectangle?
Urgutha Forka on August 16, 2010 at 7:12 PM Report this
17
toaster strudel or gtfo.
34x42 on August 16, 2010 at 7:32 PM Report this
18
This should have been covered on New York Sucks Friday.
mackro on August 16, 2010 at 7:48 PM Report this
19
I always thought Nabisco Toastettes were so much tastier. Sad that you can't find them anymore.
Judith on August 16, 2010 at 7:53 PM Report this
20
"They are way too sweet and way too dry. Putting them in the toaster merely adds a molten element to the unpleasantness."

Absolute truth. The only reason kids eat Pop-Tarts is because lazy-ass parents buy them, and then the kids want something sweet to eat and the damn "pastries" offer the most sugar of the available options. They're gross but when you're 15 and you got the jones for sugar somethin' fierce, you're not long on options.
balderdash on August 16, 2010 at 8:47 PM Report this
21
I think it was in 1980 I was watching the Olympics on television, and I saw dozens of commercials that ended "[Brand Name Y], the official [generic product description] of the 1980 Olympics!"

Turns out the 1980 Olympics had an an official truck, and official beer, an official watch, etc, etc.

Then on comes an announcer to say, "Poptarts, the official..."
and I'm thinking, "shit, what on earth could be the generic class that Poptarts belongs to?"
and the announcer concludes "...toaster pastry of the 1980 Olympics!"
Eric from Boulder on August 16, 2010 at 8:50 PM Report this
22
Aren't Pop Tarts made with cracker meal, and thus basically just a frosted Saltine and jam sandwich?
Peter F on August 16, 2010 at 8:59 PM Report this
23
You could always replace them with... wait for it... toast and jam.
Greg on August 16, 2010 at 9:22 PM Report this
24
Yeah, I never got the Pop-Tart thing at all (and I was around when they were first introduced - when food companies would send samples in the mail or leave samples in a bag on your front door knob). When someone would start drooling at the mention of its name, I'd always ask, "Man, don't you know how to make toast and jam?"
Bauhaus I on August 16, 2010 at 9:48 PM Report this
25
I think the asterisk next to the "Made with Real Fruit!" tells you everything you need to know.
Grist on August 16, 2010 at 11:02 PM Report this
26
They have a hard time coming up with anything because Pop-Tarts aren't food.
Queen of Cups on August 17, 2010 at 12:26 AM Report this
27
STOP SAYING MEAN THINGS ABOUT POP TARTS YOU FUCKERS

They're the only reason I bother getting out of bed in the morning
horatiocain on August 17, 2010 at 12:53 AM Report this
28
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8JlvcFLeP…
horatiocain on August 17, 2010 at 12:55 AM Report this
29
You guys are fucking idiots; pop tarts are the pinnacle of human achievement, culinary or otherwise
horatiocain on August 17, 2010 at 1:00 AM Report this
30
If there weren't pop tarts i would have to put sugar in my coffee, and then I would be an assclown like you
horatiocain on August 17, 2010 at 1:02 AM Report this
31
Meals of the day: breakfast, lunch, pop tarts*, dinner

* spelled with a space between 'pop' and 'tarts', just like on the box, asslick
horatiocain on August 17, 2010 at 1:04 AM Report this
32
pop tarts have vitamins in them, also
horatiocain on August 17, 2010 at 1:05 AM Report this
33
To deconstruct: Pop Tarts come in lots of flavors, dessert or breakfast, and you ALWAYS GET TWO OF THEM. The implied understanding here is an incremental acceptance of alternative pairings: the number is a constant, the flavor a variable. Will Kellogg's ever begin offering pairs of Pop Tarts in different flavors? Will they ever come in packs of one? Three? Five?

Fuck
horatiocain on August 17, 2010 at 1:10 AM Report this
34
Hippies are people who don't worry about money and they are epicureans of simple and honest pleasures. My mom is a hippie now but she was far from it when I was growing up. I think I've made it clear that I am IN FAVOR OF pop tarts, but I don't think I got to try them until I was like 20. When I fly back to Baltimore, she's got a box of them waiting cause she knows I like them. That, and cranberry juice. Why does she get these things when I come home? Because they're a celebration of plenty.

Seriously, guys, please enjoy them. They are, in the best scenario, the last thing you'll ever taste.
horatiocain on August 17, 2010 at 1:25 AM Report this
35
@1: Do you eat cookies for breakfast? Or do you eat something other than pop tarts? If you are eating something other than pop tarts for breakfast, then you are an assclown
horatiocain on August 17, 2010 at 1:27 AM Report this
36
@2 They're bourgeoisie, sure, but ARE THEY DELICIOUS? Can I take them hiking?

No.
horatiocain on August 17, 2010 at 1:29 AM Report this
37
@4 Show me where I can buy toaster-ready oreo flavored cookies with sprinkles.

YEAH, I THOUGHT NOT.
horatiocain on August 17, 2010 at 1:31 AM Report this
38
@5 Yeah, it's a lot more exotic than strawberry.
horatiocain on August 17, 2010 at 1:32 AM Report this
39
I have this theory that the sprinkles are all of different sizes and shapes - the cherry flavor is sprinkled with cubic grains of sugar, while strawberry has lumpy ass sprinkles.

A real Pop Tart connoisseur, in theory, would be able to tell the flavor of a pack of tarts by the feel of the tars through the foil wrapper. I'm not there yet, but I'm working at it really diligently.
horatiocain on August 17, 2010 at 1:35 AM Report this
40
@6 Eat them, and then walk to Ballard and get some donut peaches. They are useless for breakfast or pop tarts (the meal) though.
horatiocain on August 17, 2010 at 1:37 AM Report this
41
@7 :*
horatiocain on August 17, 2010 at 1:39 AM Report this
42
That's a kiss btw
horatiocain on August 17, 2010 at 1:40 AM Report this
43
@8 Have you had them before your PRA/dev retrospective/other team meeting? I assure you they will animate your mouth to the degree that you can barely restrain yourself from reiterating last week's Dilbert. Worth it at any flavor.

EVEN THE SHITTY OFF BRAND FIBERRIFIC TOASTER TARTS that they sell at PCC and whole foods.

THEY DONT HAVE ENOUGH SUGARS IN THEM YOU CHOCOLATE THEIVES
horatiocain on August 17, 2010 at 1:43 AM Report this
44
@9 Yeah, they are what they are. You say 'cardboardy', but that's like calling l'ecole 'honeyed'. I feel as though somehow you have an aversion to carbs and sugar. Are you on the Atkins diet? The caveman diet? Are you vegan? I respect your opposition to the gelatin in pop tarts, but I don't see a reason for dismissal here. Cardboard is a good texture for breakfast, so long as you're in an office.

Otherwise you wouldn't be awake in time for breakfast, emiright?
horatiocain on August 17, 2010 at 1:50 AM Report this
45
@10 delicious
@11 deliciouser
horatiocain on August 17, 2010 at 2:06 AM Report this
46
@12 The nature of whatever you steal is tied not to its value but to the risk entailed. No pop tarts would taste better than those stolen from Ft. Knox. They're just cardboard and sugar, or something
horatiocain on August 17, 2010 at 2:10 AM Report this
47
The Regressors strike again!
schmacky on August 17, 2010 at 8:42 AM Report this
48
pop tarts are like disneyland.. it's looks great on t.v and then you get there and it's like all wtf and stuff.. same goes for beefaroni..( or spaghetti-o's ..or anything made by chef
boyardee )
reverend dr dj riz on August 17, 2010 at 9:18 AM Report this
49
@13 I never had them as a kid, and only started eating them with coffee to balance the texture and taste. I have no doubt that milk carries the marshmelllows well; I find that the sweetness and hardness of untoasted tarts balances out creamed but unsweetened coffee well. I won't eat the fuckers without coffee.

@47 DUH
horatiocain on August 17, 2010 at 9:57 AM Report this
50
Apparently eating too many pop tarts makes people unable to shut up.
shabadoo on August 17, 2010 at 10:00 AM Report this
51
Never had them. I always thought they looked like they were growing white mould.

@20: "They're gross but when you're 15 and you got the jones for sugar somethin' fierce, you're not long on options"

If you're 15, you really can do better. I thought Pop Tarts were for small children.

But aside from all that, if you're *really* jonesing for sugar, you're probably better off just eating a spoonful of sugar. Seriously. Why bother with all the pastry shit, and a toaster? Spoon, sack of sugar.

If you think that's gross, you're not jonesing that hard.
Gloria on August 17, 2010 at 10:23 AM Report this
52
The only Pop-Tarts I'll buy are the ones made with whole grains---and they're quite hard to find.
brendan on August 17, 2010 at 10:36 AM Report this
53
@ 37 They make cookies and cream Pop Tarts which are essentially Oreo flavored you Pop Tart mong.

That said I remember liking the brow sugar and cinnamon Pop Tarts when I was a teenager and only after lots and lots of pot.
McGee on August 17, 2010 at 10:55 AM Report this
54
@53 THAT WAS EXACTLY MY POINT
horatiocain on August 17, 2010 at 10:58 AM Report this
55
@50 This
horatiocain on August 17, 2010 at 11:00 AM Report this
56
When I was 10 or so I saw them on TV and asked my mother to buy some, she did. I ate one and never asked for any more. I don't understand the appeal. Some people seem to enjoy bad food the way others enjoy bad movies.
thatsnotright on August 17, 2010 at 11:51 AM Report this
57
1,000 point for @13 for mentioning Fruit Brute.
Dougsf on August 17, 2010 at 1:08 PM Report this
58
@56 if they were bad, I wouldn't eat them. Do you listen to bad music? No, nobody does.
horatiocain on August 17, 2010 at 3:10 PM Report this
59
When I was in high school I invented a food called pop tart casserole for a class party. You take at least three different chocolatey flavors of pop tarts, cut them up into decorative triangles tesselate with alternating patterns of frosting, and stack them in layers with mini-marshmallows and chocolate chips. Bake until you have essentially a gooey mega-s'more with pop tarts instead of graham crackers and cut into bars.

My friend ate almost the entire thing after everyone else sensibly decided it was too sugary. A week or so later he was hospitalized; he didn't know he was diabetic. He was definitely genetically predisposed, but I still feel bad about the pop tart casserole...
sacculina on August 18, 2010 at 6:56 AM Report this
60
I definitely made pop tart casserole again after that, by the way. I just told everyone that if they eat it they might get diabetes.
sacculina on August 18, 2010 at 6:58 AM Report this
61
@59 This is the best thing to ever happen
horatiocain on August 18, 2010 at 4:27 PM Report this
62
Horatio Cain, you made me literally laugh out loud with your first comment. Thanks.
lalilolly on August 18, 2010 at 8:06 PM Report this
63
@61 (or any other number really)

I love you.

I also love the Smores Pop Tarts.

Also I just went to that store in times Squares, ITS DISGUSTING. Yes pop tarts are the divine offspring of jesus and mecha-jesus, but when you make it into an unruly sundae with a pound of shit on top, YOU HAVE INSULTED THE BEAUTY AND SIMPLICITY OF THE OREO(tm) COOKIES AND CREAM POP TART, SIR.
Fenrox on August 20, 2010 at 9:30 AM Report this

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