Food & Drink Mar 21, 2012 at 4:00 am

Three New Places to Get a Patty on a Bun


It's a little sad that the only things reviewed at Blue Moon were the overly simple cheeseburger and the impractically massive double bacon cheeseburger. There are some impressive selections in the mid-range on their menu.
@1 The problem with that, in my mind, is that you're then judging the merit of the burger on its toppings. My problem with Blue Moon is that the meat is never as good as it should be, and the burgers that are good are only good because of all the other shit on the burger. It's the same reason I judge the quality of pizza on its crust and sauce. The cheese and toppings are nice, but you can cover even the most dismal crust and the blandest sauce with a lot of yummy components and make up for it.
@2 The complaints in the article were that the cheeseburger's lettuce and cheese weren't special enough and that the double bacon cheeseburger had too much stuff on it. I'm not a connoisseur of hamburger meat, but I've enjoyed the burgers I've gotten there because I've picked things on the menu that were a complete package. If there are toppings there that make for a good burger, then I'd like a review of the place to say so.
The Blue Moon Burgers article written by Mr. Paul Constant is appalling in its "stinginess." Mr. Constant begins his review by criticizing the grammar of a BURGER COMPANY's slogan...what the fuck Paul?

I'm fairly sure the implication Mr. Constant was attempting to make was that the creator of said slogan should have utilized a semi-colon as opposed to the often ill-advised and overused comma. My only issue with Mr. Constant's critique, besides being snarky and overly judgmental, is that he commits what I believe to be a cardinal sin (if you're going to write for a paper like "The Stranger") of missing the irony in the slogan. The fucking statement is meant to be ironic - not so syntactically impeccable that Mr. Paul "sat on a stick" Constant needs to get his thong in a twist.

Mr. Constant goes on to say that Blue Moon's lettuce is "bland and copious." Fuck, if we've already begun a grammatical witch hunt, shouldn't it be "bland yet copious?" - Can I get an Amen folks? - Secondly, how can lettuce be anything other than bland? It's a vegetable made up largely of water! At this point I'm not quite sure, maybe Mr. Constant would prefer some peppery arugula to really add extra flavor to a non-essential, non-focal point ingredient of ANY BURGER…EVER MADE.

I could continue but there's really no point. I COULD point out that in an article that begins by highlighting Dick's Restaurant (who also only uses one piece of cheese on ITS cheeseburger and none on its Dick's Special) Mr. Constant complains about the lack of cheese on several of Blue Moon's presentments.

I COULD point out that the only difference between the Dick's Special's sauce and Blue Moon's sauce is...wait for it...wait for it...fucking nothing. Every burger in America's so-called "special sauce" is some combination or mayonnaise and Thousand Island dressing (with possibly a hint of pickle juice) so why Mr. Constant are you picking on these guys? They're nice people.

I love to veg out on their burgers and while they keep my stomach happy, they turn my asshole into a Door's song (that's a "Ring of Fire" reference for all you fucktards out there who didn't it).

Bottom line: Blue Moon is a fucking burger joint, so that's what I expect, not to have every one of my taste buds caressed like I'm an 18 year old girl on prom night whose joker-ass boyfriend is trying to convince her to give up that ever-so-tightly held v-card.

Feel free to give me a job, or just fuck off, because this review is the type of flaming dog shit that only Billy Madison ought to leave on someone's doorstep.
How the hell could someone confuse Johnny Cash "Ring of Fire" with the Doors "Light My Fire", FUCKTARD?! And what a FUCKTARD you are to spend so much time commenting on a harmless review of hamburger joints. you're angry and sad that you don't write for The Stranger. We get it, FUCKTARD.
@5... NICE!
Fair enough, we all make mistakes, but in taking the time to actually comment on a "comment," you've only furthered the discussion and helped my cause...FUCKTARD.

Secondly, I wouldn't write for The Stranger if they offered me Jamie Dimon's salary, tossed my salad every day and gave me one of their corner offices with a view of one homeless person pissing on another.

Peace up, A Town down.
Oh and lets not forget that we have all now participated in the proliferation of the word FUCKTARD, which personally, I am more than excited about.

Oh, and is the fact that I listen to both Johnny Cash and The Doors really all that for thought...maybe over a tasty Blue Moon Burger with Special Sauce and arugula.
#4... Also please look up "its" vs "it's". I consider that more obvious than semicolon use.

Was that supposed to be some sort of "gotcha moment?" If so, you're wrong. I had hoped the last comment was the final one I'd be forced to make but your idiocy has once again dragged me back into the fold.

Now, had you graduated from middle school, you would know that you DO NOT EVER use an apostrophe unless you are creating a conjunction.

Unfortunately for your dumbass, "it" is a pronoun, not a noun and therefore requires no possessive apostrophe when used in reference to another noun.

Please don't bother responding as 1) I won't check because you're a waste of time and space and 2) If you consider that more obvious than semi-colon use than once again: YOU'RE A DUMBASS, no wait...I think FUCKTARD is the word we were all working on proliferating.

Thank you and goodnight.
@10 It's a contraction. The "it" doesn't own the the "what," (so the possessive doesn't have anything to do with this), but it is contracted with "is." I believe that trytempo36 is correct in that this is the perhaps most obvious error. /dumbassfucktardery
Actually, #4/10 was correct in all three uses of it's/its.

In the first paragraph, it is a possessive pronoun. Therefore, no apostrophe is needed. The same goes for its use in paragraph four.

The only time he uses "it's" as a contraction is in paragraph three. Therefore, the apostrophe is appropriate.

Am I missing one or something?
@12: Yes. Yes you are.

(The "its/it's" grammatical error is the one Paul is alluding to in the review. Nevertheless @4 BoyInterrupted --quite indignantly-- is "fairly sure the implication Mr. Constant was attempting to make was that the creator of said slogan should have utilized a semi-colon as opposed to the often ill-advised and overused comma" thus ensuring BoyInterrupted his vaunted place in the annals of fucktardery.)
@13, Oh, I thought they were referring to BI's own usage.

I didn't actually read the article. I don't even know what BoyInterrupted is so upset about. Don't ask why I was even reading the comments here.
haven't tried 8oz, love lil' woody's, blue moon is ok (better than, say... kidd valley)...

but none can outrun or equal... the power... of RED MILL.
Lil' Woody's has the worst buns I've ever tasted. And their horseradish sauce is 90% mayo. Yuck.
Holy hell -- BI is certainly the supreme master idiot, isn't he! Wow.
I'm loving the incoherent grammar comments here. In an attempt to keep it going, I'll note that BoyInterrupted passed the its/it's test but fails on the same topic by typing "Door's song". Yowtch.

He also misses the point of lettuce, which not only does have flavor, it also has texture, which is why my burgers, like a sushi restaurant salad, always have iceberg on top (next to the ketchup).

But a burger should never be taller than it is wide. That's just incompetent. Unless you're going to eat it with a knife and fork, in which case you should be crushed by a falling wall.
@16 I love Li'l Woody's buns. I think they're potato buns?

lol u 2 r so fnny
Try the Fire Burger at Fire Pit BBQ in Fremont.
Oh lordy, I'm pretty sure I went on a disastrous date with BoyInterrupted a few years ago. *flashbacks*
"Feel free to give me a job, or just fuck off, because this review is the type of flaming dog shit that only Billy Madison ought to leave on someone's doorstep."

I have a friend in an open relationship. Recently she told a story about an acquaintance who had decided that the best way to get into her boyfriend's pants was to talk shit about her.

I was very confused. How could that be advantageous? If you already know that it's possible for you to get what you want, why would you not go get it and stop wasting everyone's time? If you aren't sure whether it's possible, how would that action help your goal? Dude might just conclude that she seems like unnecessary drama. It's creating competition in a situation where no competition exists.

When I read a rant about this review followed by "Feel free to give me a job..." I thought "Whoa, people try to use that technique in their professional lives TOO?"
How am I missing out on this so-called "Seattle's snooty obsession with fig-and-bacon appetizers."?

You talkin' about date-n-bacon? If not, please link a review so I can go try.
"Fuck, if we've already begun a grammatical witch hunt, shouldn't it be "bland yet copious?"


The way I usually think about it is to decide whether the words are opposites in some way. More specifically, if something is flavorless, would you expect it to automatically be a certain size? Not really... blandness unfortunately occurs in all shapes and sizes of food. A bland thing could be minute or it could be copious. Copious isn't the opposite of bland.

"Secondly, how can lettuce be anything other than bland? It's a vegetable made up largely of water!"

The cliche "you are what you eat" has some truth to it. Animals who eat grass vs. corn produce beef with different flavors. That's part of what these new burger joints are attempting to use. Vegetables eat nutrients and chemicals from soil. A popular old science project for kids used to be putting a white flower in a glass of water with food coloring and watching it change color. If vegetables grow in soil that's full of awesome, they are more flavorful. If they grow somewhere crappy, they have a different texture and taste. I grew up believing that all vegetables were bland, flavorless piles of disgusting mush. My mom bought whatever she could afford at the local chain grocery store and it usually came from a can.

I have always enjoyed Blue Moon's burgers but I have only ever been to the SLU store. I like Lil' Woody's quite a bit. Get the Big Woody as the Lil' Woody is shy your basic one with everything. Also their buns are pretty awesome in that they do not disintegrate under the stress of the burger. Also that one with the queso and hatch chili is fantastic.
@24 I was all ready to list off a bunch of places offering bacon & fig, but just realized I'm thinking of bacon & date dishes. Guess I can't help you there.
"Blue Moon's chili is meaty and just the right temperature..."

(Not too hot nor too cold?)

Review much?

Please wait...

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